One of the first things I learned at Griffin was how not to take your work home with you, something I was already quite keen on. Working 8.30 to 5.00 is long enough, I didn't really feel like carrying on with that. So I know first hand that you can:
a) leave work at work
b) burn out and end up crying in a tree after stumbling off the 53E four stops too early.
And God knows I don't want to see any of my workers crying in trees near bus stops.
But I was reading this book, and I came across a passage that...(give me a minute!) ...I can't find right now. First of all, it was a really good book, but also really creepy. The book followed a girl recovering from anorexia, and although I don't have any eating disorders it was ME. What she was thinking, what she was feeling was all identical to myself in similar situations. And I thought to myself, "If this guy can write a book and be exactly the same as what I'm thinking, then all these doctors must know what's going through my head as soon as they glance at my chart!" And then I went to get some milk.
Anyways, it reminded me of this whole time thing. In my previous entry, I mentioned how the 72 hours in the hospital was years for me and minutes for my friends. The same thing goes for anyone providing counseling and care. It may be a half hour in your life, one you'll chart then quickly forget as you go on to your next patient, but it's a hell-of-a-lot more to us. The session isn't over when we leave, we replay it and process it long after we've left.
Just something to think about.
PS: Does anyone else feel weird when you see someone else who is going to your counselor? I feel like we're either all a team, or they're intruding on...on something.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Fun With TV!
Go here to see my inspiration.
and a little tweak and we have...
It's a real TV show! It's called High School Reunion, (on TV Land, not the WB) and GOD i couldn't resist. I wish I had photoshop though, using paint sucks.
and a little tweak and we have...
It's a real TV show! It's called High School Reunion, (on TV Land, not the WB) and GOD i couldn't resist. I wish I had photoshop though, using paint sucks.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
In With OD, Out with a Curse
First, I'd really like to thank you guys for all your supportive comments on my previous post. It really meant a lot to me. So, as a special treat, here is another picture of Ellen in a vest...
My, isn't that beautiful? (I'm not so big on the open buttons, and the pinstripes are almost hypnotic, but it's Ellen. In a vest. Case closed.)
---------------------------
Listen to this song while I take you back through space and time...fine. I'm taking you back a few months, to the day I was discharged.
Wasn't that a fun journey? I edited some parts out, you know, keep a little mystery going. I'm joking of course, I'm pretty open about all this stuff. But I did do some editing. Anyways, within the next few days I learned what this new half-diagnosis meant.
Here is why I'm manipulative and attention-seeking:
I've tried to kill myself a few times already, at least three times in 2007, (but they only know about two) and a lot more in previous years. So! By attempting suicide, I am manipulating the people around me to stop and pay attention.
This is pretty much true. Every other time I've tried to kill myself, I really just wanted someone to step in and help me. I didn't really want to die, at least not forever. I wanted to be able to skip all those horrible bits, and I wanted someone to really, really listen to me. I was drowning! I was sinking further and further down, and I needed a hand up. This time, it was different. But when I got to the 'lorspital, I decided, "Since I won't die, maybe...they can actually help me this time." And I knew what I was doing, when I answered all those questions truthfully. Just...some part of me thought that if I didn't lie this time, if I let them do what they had to do, something would change.
But nothing changed. I came out of the hospital with this new curse of BPD traits, and the knowledge that now nobody would listen. Nobody would help, because the next time I really need someone, and I talk to them before doing anything permanent, I'm going to be attention-seeking. Don't they see though? Don't they see that I AM attention seeking? I am seeking their help! I am telling them, "I am not strong enough to do this on my own, I know that, I need your help."
Suicide attempts are often referred to as "a cry for help." Analyst Joseph Laufer noted that, "this very apt term has fallen into disrepute because it has been used in a pejorative way about those who have attempted suicide, implying that they behaved in a manipulative way to draw attention to themselves." (1)
"...research with girls shows that dismissing teenage girls' suicidal behavior as manipulation overlooks what may have been the meaning of the suicidal act in the first place. They may have learned to manipulate, but are doing so in a spirit of hope, of getting needs met that have no been met otherwise. The original meaning of the word "manipulative" is "to lead by the hand." When suicidal acts enable girls to get help, it is inaccurate to see these acts as merely "manipulative". Treating them as such can lead girls to give up hope. And then, psychologically or literally, they are more likely to kill themselves."(2)
Can't these people see? With their years in med school, residency, clinical training, and then just plain practicing medicine and their specialty, are they now blind to the fact they we are screaming, we are shouting, and we are telling them, "I trust you, I need you, please, please, help me."
1. Laufer, J. (1995). The Suicidal Child. Madison, CT: International Universities Press, 1995, p. 104.
2. Machoian, Lisa. (2006.) The Disappearing Girl. Plume: Penguin Group USA, 2006, p.174.
My, isn't that beautiful? (I'm not so big on the open buttons, and the pinstripes are almost hypnotic, but it's Ellen. In a vest. Case closed.)---------------------------
Listen to this song while I take you back through space and time...fine. I'm taking you back a few months, to the day I was discharged.
[Fade out.]
[Fade in to our weird breakfast conversation on the unit.]
OTHER PATIENT: I'm psychotic.
KAT: I'm sui-
[Freeze frame.]
Voice Over: HOLD IT! Too far! Let's take it forward a bit.
[Fade out.]
[Fade in to Kat in the TV room, The Doctor is In!]
[Fade in to our weird breakfast conversation on the unit.]
OTHER PATIENT: I'm psychotic.
KAT: I'm sui-
[Freeze frame.]
Voice Over: HOLD IT! Too far! Let's take it forward a bit.
[Fade out.]
[Fade in to Kat in the TV room, The Doctor is In!]
DR R: So, how are the suicidal thoughts?
KAT: [Fidgets in chair, then sighs.] They're there, but vague.
DR R: So you're still having them, but they're not as strong.
KAT: [Thinking, v/o] Duh.
DR R: Can you promise us you won't hurt yourself?
KAT: Yea. [Fidgets some more.]
DR R: Okay. [Speaking to CYW.] I'll cancel the form. [Speaking to Kat.] You should know that you have borderline personality traits. So we'll have to make sure that doesn't progress to the full disorder.
KAT: [Thinking, v/o] We? I have seen you four times in the past four years, counting today and yesterday.
DR R: Okay.
[All exit the room. Kat is excited to get out of hospital clothes, which suck.]
[Fade out.]
KAT: [Fidgets in chair, then sighs.] They're there, but vague.
DR R: So you're still having them, but they're not as strong.
KAT: [Thinking, v/o] Duh.
DR R: Can you promise us you won't hurt yourself?
KAT: Yea. [Fidgets some more.]
DR R: Okay. [Speaking to CYW.] I'll cancel the form. [Speaking to Kat.] You should know that you have borderline personality traits. So we'll have to make sure that doesn't progress to the full disorder.
KAT: [Thinking, v/o] We? I have seen you four times in the past four years, counting today and yesterday.
DR R: Okay.
[All exit the room. Kat is excited to get out of hospital clothes, which suck.]
[Fade out.]
Wasn't that a fun journey? I edited some parts out, you know, keep a little mystery going. I'm joking of course, I'm pretty open about all this stuff. But I did do some editing. Anyways, within the next few days I learned what this new half-diagnosis meant.
- I'm manipulative.
- I'm attention-seeking.
- I have...abandonment issues? What the hell?
Here is why I'm manipulative and attention-seeking:
I've tried to kill myself a few times already, at least three times in 2007, (but they only know about two) and a lot more in previous years. So! By attempting suicide, I am manipulating the people around me to stop and pay attention.
This is pretty much true. Every other time I've tried to kill myself, I really just wanted someone to step in and help me. I didn't really want to die, at least not forever. I wanted to be able to skip all those horrible bits, and I wanted someone to really, really listen to me. I was drowning! I was sinking further and further down, and I needed a hand up. This time, it was different. But when I got to the 'lorspital, I decided, "Since I won't die, maybe...they can actually help me this time." And I knew what I was doing, when I answered all those questions truthfully. Just...some part of me thought that if I didn't lie this time, if I let them do what they had to do, something would change.
But nothing changed. I came out of the hospital with this new curse of BPD traits, and the knowledge that now nobody would listen. Nobody would help, because the next time I really need someone, and I talk to them before doing anything permanent, I'm going to be attention-seeking. Don't they see though? Don't they see that I AM attention seeking? I am seeking their help! I am telling them, "I am not strong enough to do this on my own, I know that, I need your help."
Suicide attempts are often referred to as "a cry for help." Analyst Joseph Laufer noted that, "this very apt term has fallen into disrepute because it has been used in a pejorative way about those who have attempted suicide, implying that they behaved in a manipulative way to draw attention to themselves." (1)
"...research with girls shows that dismissing teenage girls' suicidal behavior as manipulation overlooks what may have been the meaning of the suicidal act in the first place. They may have learned to manipulate, but are doing so in a spirit of hope, of getting needs met that have no been met otherwise. The original meaning of the word "manipulative" is "to lead by the hand." When suicidal acts enable girls to get help, it is inaccurate to see these acts as merely "manipulative". Treating them as such can lead girls to give up hope. And then, psychologically or literally, they are more likely to kill themselves."(2)
Can't these people see? With their years in med school, residency, clinical training, and then just plain practicing medicine and their specialty, are they now blind to the fact they we are screaming, we are shouting, and we are telling them, "I trust you, I need you, please, please, help me."
1. Laufer, J. (1995). The Suicidal Child. Madison, CT: International Universities Press, 1995, p. 104.
2. Machoian, Lisa. (2006.) The Disappearing Girl. Plume: Penguin Group USA, 2006, p.174.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Different
Point One
Uhhh hello!? I think I need to get myself some more vests. That is fantastic.Point Two
I am really different from other people.
I kind of just realized that last night. At least, in those terms. I always knew I was different, I was a REALLY REALLY weird kid! And I liked that, it gave me someone to be, a personality to fit into. It made things easier if I could just be a weird kid.
But now that I am more capable of exploring different sides of myself, it's not something I'm so big on. Yes, I am a little off-centre. But I wish that I wasn't now. I mean, there's so much to fight without me being different. If I - and I can't believe I'm saying this - if I wasn't queer, it would be so much easier. It is so all-encompassing, right down to the pronouns I use. If I wasn't queer I might still go to Catholic church. I would never have met all these great people at Griffin, but I wouldn't have to think about prom and dances and my debut in all these ways. And if I wasn't sick, I might be graduating this year and not fighting so much with my parents. Or myself. Or the school.
Anyways yea, I know that being different has taught me a lot, but sometimes it really sucks. Like how it took me three hours to type this because I kept forgetting what I was doing.
But now that I am more capable of exploring different sides of myself, it's not something I'm so big on. Yes, I am a little off-centre. But I wish that I wasn't now. I mean, there's so much to fight without me being different. If I - and I can't believe I'm saying this - if I wasn't queer, it would be so much easier. It is so all-encompassing, right down to the pronouns I use. If I wasn't queer I might still go to Catholic church. I would never have met all these great people at Griffin, but I wouldn't have to think about prom and dances and my debut in all these ways. And if I wasn't sick, I might be graduating this year and not fighting so much with my parents. Or myself. Or the school.
Anyways yea, I know that being different has taught me a lot, but sometimes it really sucks. Like how it took me three hours to type this because I kept forgetting what I was doing.
