Fighting the Relapse Beast

Part of why it's so difficult for me when people say that I'll get better and I'll be so close to remission again is because I was so close. I was about to rock a college certificate, I had proved to myself that I was ready for university, but it all came crashing down two weeks before I would have finished that achievement. It just makes me think that there's no point to moving forward from this because I'll have another relapse and become completely capable of anything again. And when that's over, I'll have to start all over again.

Life isn't linear, it's not like once you've failed college you can't go back and try, but it does go on despite whatever is happening in your life. I can work so hard and not really get significantly better and time is going to keep on passing. I'm never going to catch up to my age mates in the rat race and that's something I think I'll feel badly about for a long time. They have had so many different experiences while I am having a completely different one that really gets me nowhere in the calculation of success. I haven't completed any level of education past grade 10, I haven't lived away from home, I haven't dated, all because of this damn illness that's going to dog me forever. There is no cure for depression. I can deal, I deal with my anxieties and my OCD, but to be completely honest that's not the life I want. I don't want to deal, I don't want to be afraid that the next week somethings going to conk out and my life is going to grind to a halt again for reasons that I can't really explain. This summer everything stopped because I was exhausted, and that led to a million other things. Next time maybe it'll be the anxiety which will lead to the other things. The uncertainty of not knowing when or if a relapse is going to strike bothers me quite a bit.

My urgency to find something now is because I know with my history it's most likely that I'll have more relapses throughout my life. I've been so close to the edge this time that if I were to get that close again I don't think I would have the strength to fight it, and with that experiences I`ve gathered of the adult mental health system there are strong barriers to seeking help for it. You don't know...even when you've experienced it, once you're healthy and you're part of the world again you always think it's not going to be that bad. Next time you'll be stronger because you have the perspective of having been healthy. It doesn't work like that. Once it's back, you're in it. It's all consuming, overwhelming, there is no thought that doesn't lead back to it. If I don't find something that will work now and in the future, I'll die because that's just how strong my episodes are. I truly don`t know if I can face more jagged edges like that and come back from it. It`s taken a lot to be at a place where I want to come back. Even now I`m extremely hesitant, I can`t see a future for me that I want to live through.

what's going on here? (aka the post with names)

You know how teachers lean over your shoulder when you're clearly not working and say, "What's going on here ladies?" I feel like I should be saying that to myself. I think, with enough work I'll be able to lean over my own shoulder. But I'm keeping my physiotherapist on speed dial. ("Hey Dr Ho? Yea. It's me again.") Half the time I don't know what my brain is doing. Yea, I know, I've been talking about my brain and mind like a seperate entity from myself for a while now. But I feel that way. They just decide like some kind of weird Kat's brain/mind meeting and I get filled in later . And not even the whole way.

And I've been so open about it. I mean, papers lying around, wordless smiles, everything. I've become a lot more open- like all of you know now that I've got a few mental disorders, and it was such a relief to not have to hide it. Sometimes I talk about it with a bitter voice- like, "Yea, well it's just this pesky clinical depression eating at my heart!" and I must admit, I am kind of bitter. I wonder why it had to be me, why it had to come at a time where people still hold a stigma against mental illness. I can see the change now. A few decades ago, if I had told all of you guys I had OCD, you probably would have chucked me in an institution. Hell, the school would have chucked me in an institution. It means so much to me that you accepted that, and that you guys are trying to understand how difficult it is.


That is something I'm not confused about. (One of the few things.) I have a decisive label there. Although it's definately a bad idea to label people, I do kind of like the simplicity of it. It's not so complicated when it can be summarized in one phrase. "Mentally ill." "Non-Catholic." "Hungry." It's not simple at all, but sometimes...it's nice to be, just for a little while. But there is so much I want to know. I'm not talking about quadratic equations or trig or shit like that, but about myself. How can I grow up to help other people if I cannot help myself? (Well obviously I can't right now...but...eventually?) I want to be sure. I want to have a label so when I'm out there, I know what I am. I know who I am.



I'm glad I have so many people to love. So many people who love me back. go9.5, you guys support me through so much. Y'all one letter teachers help me sort things out without having to make an appointment. My doctors are definately huge in my support system. My parents are big too, especially my daddy. Karl, you take care of me so well. You know what I need and what I want and the difference, and you have been there for me in so many ways. Pau, you let me be myself without treating me any different, and you've been there for me throughout all the shit. Christine, you've accepted me for who I am, and were there to show support and go trick or treating. Val, you GUESSED at so many things and after those guesses, you treated me normally too. You helped me sort things out and know when I don't have to yet.

See? No codenames this post.

All of you, in some way or another have helped me get by. Jess, Michelle, Vivian, Vanessa, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Pauline, Karl, Dr. G, Larry, Mr Candi, Mr F, Mr D, Dr. Peter, Mommy, Daddy, Tito Joe, Janice, the other Mr F kinda, Richard, Melissa, and chocolate. Some just by hearing my story, or bits of it, and not judging or yelling, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!!!" Or whatever people yell for that. Some by talking to me about it, some by sharing their own stories, and all of you for being my friends. Cheers, to friendship.