what's going on here? (aka the post with names)

You know how teachers lean over your shoulder when you're clearly not working and say, "What's going on here ladies?" I feel like I should be saying that to myself. I think, with enough work I'll be able to lean over my own shoulder. But I'm keeping my physiotherapist on speed dial. ("Hey Dr Ho? Yea. It's me again.") Half the time I don't know what my brain is doing. Yea, I know, I've been talking about my brain and mind like a seperate entity from myself for a while now. But I feel that way. They just decide like some kind of weird Kat's brain/mind meeting and I get filled in later . And not even the whole way.

And I've been so open about it. I mean, papers lying around, wordless smiles, everything. I've become a lot more open- like all of you know now that I've got a few mental disorders, and it was such a relief to not have to hide it. Sometimes I talk about it with a bitter voice- like, "Yea, well it's just this pesky clinical depression eating at my heart!" and I must admit, I am kind of bitter. I wonder why it had to be me, why it had to come at a time where people still hold a stigma against mental illness. I can see the change now. A few decades ago, if I had told all of you guys I had OCD, you probably would have chucked me in an institution. Hell, the school would have chucked me in an institution. It means so much to me that you accepted that, and that you guys are trying to understand how difficult it is.


That is something I'm not confused about. (One of the few things.) I have a decisive label there. Although it's definately a bad idea to label people, I do kind of like the simplicity of it. It's not so complicated when it can be summarized in one phrase. "Mentally ill." "Non-Catholic." "Hungry." It's not simple at all, but sometimes...it's nice to be, just for a little while. But there is so much I want to know. I'm not talking about quadratic equations or trig or shit like that, but about myself. How can I grow up to help other people if I cannot help myself? (Well obviously I can't right now...but...eventually?) I want to be sure. I want to have a label so when I'm out there, I know what I am. I know who I am.



I'm glad I have so many people to love. So many people who love me back. go9.5, you guys support me through so much. Y'all one letter teachers help me sort things out without having to make an appointment. My doctors are definately huge in my support system. My parents are big too, especially my daddy. Karl, you take care of me so well. You know what I need and what I want and the difference, and you have been there for me in so many ways. Pau, you let me be myself without treating me any different, and you've been there for me throughout all the shit. Christine, you've accepted me for who I am, and were there to show support and go trick or treating. Val, you GUESSED at so many things and after those guesses, you treated me normally too. You helped me sort things out and know when I don't have to yet.

See? No codenames this post.

All of you, in some way or another have helped me get by. Jess, Michelle, Vivian, Vanessa, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Pauline, Karl, Dr. G, Larry, Mr Candi, Mr F, Mr D, Dr. Peter, Mommy, Daddy, Tito Joe, Janice, the other Mr F kinda, Richard, Melissa, and chocolate. Some just by hearing my story, or bits of it, and not judging or yelling, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!!!" Or whatever people yell for that. Some by talking to me about it, some by sharing their own stories, and all of you for being my friends. Cheers, to friendship.