post 70

They're convinced if I work continuously and cut corners, I can finish all my courses. Completely convinced. They're under the impression that I can complete two and a half entire courses worth of work in the next week and a half. If you don't want this to happen again, why can't you listen to her? She's not lying. Please.

That's all. Sorry if you feel like I'm snubbing you or ignoring you but I'm really busy. I can't afford to sleep or eat, but you know, I'd like to stay concious enough to work. It would be nice. So I've got to make up for that sleeping/eating time by working doubletime. Technically, 980x doubletime would be good.

Bye. See you in August, y'all.

(bitter)sweet sixteen

Thanks everyone!

(Wow I look soooo dumb in that vid...)

i kind of hate you

I guess you- whoever you are, reading this- think I'm talking directly to you. Well, like the average Little Black Book entry it's actually directed to several people at once, and bound to change throughout the post. But you'll never know. It all depends on where the words lead me...

I wish sometimes you weren't around. Tiptoe. I wish that I wasn't such a closed-mouth-fool around you. Do you realize what you're doing to me? Can you hear through thin walls that every night I go through my day and try to figure out what I did wrong? Doesn't anyone notice these things? Or would you rather not know?

I'm sorry. Let me grab my smile so that I can protect you from the truth you never wanted to hear.

Especially there. It was more than a year and a half ago but these things stick. And back again we go! Wendy's, anyone? Or maybe dinuguan.

I should never have said anything. You see, in your case, there's really no wrong to what happened. But in mine, I could have happily kept my mouth shut for forever. Gotten married. Had kids. Never told a soul but maybe a few people I trust. But NOO. The mouth opens the brain gets carried away the bitterness never leaves and I wishwishwishwishWISH! That I could leave that behind.

You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Neither do I.

Wow, what a great riff.

Rift.

Drift.

I remember I used to worry about "drifting" a lot. "We can't drift! PULL HER BACK!!!!!" And yet it was probably better in the end, though painful. Why did I keep trying to preserve what she didn't want? Jackass.

I know a lot of jackasses. Intolerance. Insecurity. I should talk about insecurity, right? But it's true. Suddenly half the people I know are people I wish I could beat the crap out of.

But ask plgy and you'll get a different view. They haven't turned into people I want to beat the crap out of, I just like imagining that I could hurt you. Give all the shit you gave me ten times over then piss on your face and throw you in the pond with a rice bag tied to your skinny/fat neck.

But then the pond would smell worse and I would go to jail. So instead, I'm going to sit quietly- don't move!- and clear my face so that no one can tell I'm seeing you ripped limb from limb behind my eyelids. That I'm laughing while it's happening. That I'm simultaneously shaking with rage.

Squeeze my fists.

Nothing's happening there, by the way. I know you think there is, walking in on a laugh. But there isn't! It's a growing friendship. And a difficult one, not because it's unwanted but because it comes with baggage. We all cart our baggage around. Mine fits in a pen. Yours fits in a clock. Yours fits in file folder. Travel sized convience, like mini shampoo or tiny brushes.

Bell!

Hell.

Do you think there's a hell? Today I said, "I think the ____ can burn in hell." I think you can too.

Isolation.

Please, end this.

i didn't ask...

The cliché. Backporch, a cup of tea, and bare feet. It's partly a veneration of the spring, partly a moment to gather yourself together, partly to personally look your fears in the eye. It's when you're alone that you cannot lie to yourself.

Things happen so fast. Thinking back, so many things were turnpoints in my life. I can pinpoint moments that could have gone so differently...a simple decision, a projectile, a phone call, a moment of tense silence. A door to run through. Then...then what? Life moved on, I didn't pass through. Trust. Eye contact. A door, locked shut, and tunnels moving too fast and I was blind to what lay in them. I waited on the outside. We did. Things streamed by, I stood still. And silent.

So much for sp.eak.

But there are things we cannot combat. You may think you bring them on yourself but it's something else that does it. That tells you it's right. That you HATE for the little while after. Hate yourself.

Are you confused? Probably. I bet you I'm more confused, go12. Minus plgy. Things move on, eventually. It just takes a little while.

double post- drowning

So many people have tried. I'm afraid to disappoint you, although it's too late for some. I don't know how to fix some things, and I have to. There are things you can't just leave alone- although maybe it's easier to. I'm confused...it's MAY. It's MAY! Oh god it's MAY. Almost. Can anyone help me?

AUGHHHHHHH THERES A SPIDER ON THE WALL....I really, really don't like SPIDERS......AUGHHHHHH it's SO FAST!!! OH GOD IT'S CRAWLING EVERYWHERE....

And back to on topic. (Sorry...spiders really freak me out...) I think I'll leave it here...to the diary then.

-------------

So I blame the following people for indirectly making me obsessed with the piano I once hated;
Kirk. You idiot. I could easily have become immersed in my sewing once again, but noooo. Marjolein's brother, Bastiaan for those putfiles that I watched for forever- just staring at his fingers...he made me want to play like that. Actually, I added a Scarlatti piece to my repetoire because I "saw" him play something of his and it was awesome. It's visual too, you know. My mom's friend in the Philippines, who apparently played Liebestraum no.3 and was the cause of all of this Liszt-Love. And my lola, who loved it from the beginning.

I BLAME YOU!!!

And I'm angry at you, Mr Franz Liszt, for making it so goddamn difficult! The insane accidentals ALONE are driving me mad. The pedaling, (sp?) also insane. The SHEER NUMBER OF NOTES is mind boggling. Hello? But you, Mr Liszt, are a genius. I'd have given up last week if it didn't sound so awesome...and I never would have looked up all of these classical pieces.

Rachmaninoff. Concerto no.3. Third movement. Which sounds so full I feel like I'm drowning in it, (see the connection here) but I'm not crazy enough to try that one. Like right here...where the violins come in, and it's got this...ahhhhhhhhh.....

I'm not trying to sound like I know music. I know, I dropped out of RCM after Level Six exam which is...not anything. It's equivalent to a high school drop out not even making it to grad, let alone university. But even high school drop outs can learn, its just a bit harder after...and besides, you can't deny they're amazing compositions. GAHHHHH-making.

the real thing

I figured I might as well give you guys, (yea I know no one actually reads this...shattup!) a real update. Kinda.

To explain my second last post:

Monday- I ate something and I got anaphylaxis. (Guess how long it took to learn how to pronounce that.) Sooo I ended up at Scarborough Grace in a hospital gown. They really should just call them fabric-squares, because those things don't cover at ALL. I got new epipens though...
Tuesday- Whooo!! Passed out fourth period in the computer lab. "Are you dizzy?" (nods) *Why am I on the floor?* It's a conundrum I'm still trying to work out. When I woke up, why was I three meters away from where I last remembered being?
Wednesday- I became single again!
Thursday- Went to the doctor.

To explain the updates:
I'd been using "Slide" to shunt those pictures across the top of the page, but Shutterbook/Parazz created a slider of their own. I have nearly 400 pictures on my Shutterbook, compared to the 46 on Slide so I transferred it.
I also added several links- to my second Shutterbook account, and to my homepage. sp.eak is the title of the website, and it's pretty! But only because I used a template. Please refrain from exploring safe.ty, and go right into bre.athe if you must.

To explain myself:
Big Bunny and I are moving to Austria tomorrow, so expect a delay in new posts. I'm joking, but expect a delay in new posts. I've got a million units to do in what is it, seven weeks? Praise be if I don't fail any of my courses, but I don't know who to praise. By the way...I, Ms-RCM-Drop-Out needs help deciphering some music...(*coughKIRK) Liebesträume- which confuses me past the first page. I'm trying to figure it out for my lola. =)

I'd say back to the books but I'm tired, and I wrote a quarter of my french thing on the bus, so I'm going to indulge in some- crap I forgot what I was gonna eat. Wait! Milk. That was it. Eat/Drink whatever.

By the way...
Look what I found! It's sooo creepy...
http://random.dragonslife.org/mary-ward-catholic-secondary-school/356
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ward_Catholic_Secondary_School
And so well organized. CREEPY!!!

To: Marjolein

Re: The Survey (That you stole from Kat who stole it from Kirk who stole it from Mel)

Basics#9- I wish I was your height. 5'6 seems perfect. Just six more inches to go...
Lovers&Friends#1- I consider you one of my best friends!
#4- Ahhh, thieving can be so much fun ;)

Specifics#5- If I didn't live in Canada, and if I knew you in real life, I would call you. Also, if wasn't grounded right now.
#8- Why change? To me, you are amazing right now.
Favourites#1- YAYYYYYY PINK!
#2- All praise chocolate!
#6- You should meet my friend Michelle S- she loves monkey's also!
#7- I'm all for sports requiring hitting something very hard.
ATM.Colour of Toenails- Mine are sparkly, but I try not to look at them too. Weird, huh?
Last Person.You IM'ed- At least we still have GEE!mail.
You kissed- Big Bunny is a person just like Marlene! And also my last person.
You are- REVERSE ALL OF YOUR ANSWERS!!!!!
Who/What Makes You Smile- Marjolein's current desktop picture makes me smile too =)

Did I see a "Fez Fan" on your Fanlisting page? YEAAAAAAAAA!!! (That 70's Show comes on during the hours before church on Saturday's...I used to watch them all.)

Did I see a "Milk Chocolate" Fanlisting? I may just join it...but I may be too lazy. Oh my Lord there are pictures...someone bring me some Dairy Milk! Please!!! (Or C1000)

I like the entire Marielaine section, by the way. The avatars, the banners, it's all awesome...

And Now, back to your regular scheduled programming. (Yooo-NITS!)


I <3 Chocolate and Marjolein.

my medical meltdown of mayhem

Oh the Alliterations.

Monday- Emergency Room
Tuesday- The Floor
Wednesday- (*blushes)
Thursday- THE ANSWERS!

And I won't tell you what they are, I'm just trying to update my blog.

Michelle's Birthday Pictures- It expires fast!! Please click now!
http://s65.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=36UI0LKA97OJQ11R3T49Z9649H

The Secret Dangers of "Laughter"

The Secret Dangers of “Laughter”

We are all prone to fits of high-pitched noises, un-regulated breathing, bursts of excessive sound waves, and sometimes, silence. These involuntary acts, (which shall hereunto be referred to as “laughter”) are much more dangerous than they seem to be.

“Laughter” masquerades as a simple physical show of amusement. In fact, “laughter” has a hidden power. “Laughter” provokes seasoned persons-of-professional-education-creation into unwonted anger. The following are some examples of how persons-of-professional-education-creation can react.

1. “I wouldn’t have come in here, but I heard you “laughing”. Now get out.”
2. “You’ve been “laughing” the entire period. I never want to see you in my lab again.”
3. “What is there to “laugh” about, ladies?”
4. “I want you out of my sight right now. This is an individual work area , not some kind of “laughing” place.”
5. “If I see you “laughing” again you’re outta here.”

It all seems quite harmless, but it’s really a lot more painful. Expulsion from a resource area during a No Movement time can spell disaster- if you run into The Admin. The Admin are much more sensitive to “laughter” and can react as such.
1. “You’re being disruptive. That’s a detention for you.”
2. “If you think you can get again with “laughing” think again, buster.”
3. “I’ll have your student card. “Laughing”, in my school!”

Of course, we must all have realized the biggest danger of these calls are their habit towards odd nicknames.

YAY hot water! I’m going to stop pretending I’m working, and go take a shower. Where I can not work, for real!

BTW, check out the vid by v3k productions at YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p80rM1wCduM

flying on angel wings

Yea, the songs from the show are stuck in practically everyone's head, but there's one line that keeps on repeating...a) I love you, A bushel and a peck b) pokemon! gotta catch 'em all (make-up room extemporaneous-ness) c) I could honestly die.

I don't know what to do...I've buried myself under these horrible circumstances and there's no getting out of it. No matter how hard I try I always end up screwing up and although I'm not always giving 100%, I'm not doing this stuff on purpose! I could choke here, I could dive, I could sink lower than ever but why should I keep on digging a hole when I could fly up?

Your words are my angel wings, you keep me hovering here, but at some point I'm going to take your wings and fly out somewhere I can be, be without turning onto myself and cold. Somewhere I'll be free. Where I don't have to keep on running away, trying to compress this all then escaping what I've brought closer to myself.

Your angel wings will be my salvation.

six shows, five days.

Yes, I'm pretty much just a lowly extra in MW's production of Guys and Dolls this year, (again) but I'm still exhausted. I can't imagine how tired the leads are.

So a lot of people agree that the "behind-the-scenes" part of Guys and Dolls wasn't as much fun as The Three Muskateers, and that we're not as well prepared this year. Onstage however, it's a lot more colourful and busy. Granted, it's a musical. The best part is backstage, right before every show.

With everyone's hands held in a circle, we say a short prayer, then gather in the middle for "ROLL 'EM!!!" and that moment is just so great...you feel like you belong then.

Back to sleep then...I'm dead to the world for the entire week! I'm busy right until Sunday night.

an'dieu?

Most of you know my stance on asking people, "How are you?" I know it's an easy question to ask and one that is said out of courtesy or lack of better things to say in all it's forms. The question is simple, the answer can be much more complicated.

How am I? I'm fine.

No, really I mean. How are you?

It's a personal question, don't you think? Your state can be very complex, and due to a lot of complicated reasons that all seem a bit overwhelming just to keep in your head, not to mention putting them into words. And then having the courage to speak them. It takes a certain amount of trust to let them see you vulnerable.

But then, we've learned that there's one person we can tell everything. One we can be naked with. Or perhaps...one Person. The idea that someone out there knows absolutely everything that goes on in my head is off-putting rather than comforting. I'd like to keep my thoughts inside my mind, private for myself so that later on I can sort them out because obviously you're not doing ANYTHING to help me out here and I'm just drowning with all of the SHIT i see ALL THE TIME that I just can't figure out enough to get myself the fuck outta here and the problems I've created without having the foresight to see them coming, or knowing the consequences but choosing to ignore them which although it's very general can be the stupidest decision I've ever made. Granted, any decision where you see the mauvaise outcome and ignore it will probably end up in deep shit. Why haven't you been listening? Everyone tells me I'm supposed to just keep going until you can hear me and I can see that you hear me and I have to have FAITH but I've been waiting for three fucking LONG YEARS AND ALL THE FUCK YOU'VE SENT ME IS LESS FORESIGHT AND THIS FREAKISH HEAD I'VE GOT. My problems are inside my head, and if I can create them I should be able to make them go away.

Not true.

Whatever I've tried to do to convince myself that I believe in you and that I'm not this way and that things will change have been contradicted on many levels. And I think...I think I should let go of you. Or You.

holy adhesive

I can only learn from other people's and my own's educated guesses, some of which are better than others. Therefore, no one has KNOWledge, but simply speculations gathered from strict observation of pattern.

Church is a good place to be at but I'm missing the key. FAITH! It binds them and because I was struggling to regain it, I to them.

There's a lot in my head, but I'd rather not put it down here.

the naked struggle

We all attempt to cover ourselves, however crudely that may be. There are few of us willing to go out naked. It may not be necessary. We can't reveal it all to whoever walks by. But at a certain point, we've all got to disrobe, to let it all go.

We're vulnerable. And you can create all the armour you want but even if no one else can see the damage it's there, and you know it. Life pierces right through this cover-up and in the end, we're left there, bare. The struggle is over, for that moment, if you'll let it be.

I try my best not to set myself up for those little wounds that fly out of other people, but you can't anticipate it all. It's part of this, this playing out every scene just to see if we can head off any problems before it happens. It's important, yea, to look ahead to the consequences but can't we relax for a bit?

This is where I am with you. I can be naked, with you. But other times...it's not that kind of trust.

And I want you to know, [/] and segWAY and x4 that I can't save you. I can't pull you up from where-ever you are, not when I'm right beside you. But I can try. We can work it all out so that even through this, at least we'll not be singular. Solitary. Insignificant.

I don't have the answers! I don't think anyone does- even him. Or it. Or them. Or that. Things get so complicated so quickly and I don't know what's sure of anything, or if anything is.

The thing is, I'm afraid I've already lost you. Somewhere in here, you've slipped away.

what a shame

James Blunt- You're Beautiful.

Check the links on the navigation bar.

because you're never there

I love these Little Miss books.

No. Ohkay, I realize that I must be one of the most moody people on earth, but anyways...

I want to talk to you without you shifting in your chair and changing the subject.
I want to feel happy when I'm out with other people.
I want to be able to understand what you're saying.
I want to be alright with the way things are.
I want to not have to make excuses for doing what I do.
Am I just being...

?

Give Me Back My Tree.

This, is cold fury. Where are the branches I so loved to caress? The branches nearly all my friends have hesitated to put weight on? MY TREE IS DEFACED! Yes, it belongs to the City but I loved it like my own. GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.

P.S. I just completed my first embroidery project! Follow the link to my Parazz and click Afterschool Escapades. http://www.parazz.com/albums/katyerro

goFIVE gettogether!

Isn't he georgous? Kraft Dinner, the newest model in a group of young protege models shows off the Fall 2006 go12 Ready-To-Wear Couture collection. Sporting "The Sick Hat" tied fashionably with a purple scarf, he looks ready to take on the world. A sheer pink asymmetrical top layered over a checkered dress shirt, (ravishing!) layered over a long sleeved dark blue top tell us that he just can't wait to get out there. He's got a lovely pair of baggy jeans the colour of a camel, and has got a sweet bright pink a-line skirt snug under his butt cheeks. Finally, Kraft really topped off the outfit with bright green wedge sandals, and socks. Well, his sassy new look really seems to be something that could hit it off on the streets. I know I'm running out and searching for the best new under-butt skirt! You're not well dressed until you've got go12 RTW Couture.
-Aeriana Eve, Fashion Correspondant

Celebrities Come Up for Spring. Yes, it was an exciting day at Aeriana Eve's house when the supermodel Kraft Dinner showed up, along with the superb designers of Ms. Yanoanimsomething and Mrs. Celebrity Wife. These esteemed designers of go12 planned this outfit in a matter of minutes, and the photo shoot truly was an eye-opening experience. Later on the famous quartet was joined by Necro, fashionably late. After enjoying gourmet Costco bulk style pizza, they headed out to the streets, closely watched by their fans. Indeed, hundreds of recycling boxes were simply blown away at the mere sight of them. They stopped at the door of k2, not a member of go12 but a close affliation. Only people this famous could just ring the doorbell of someone this prestigious. As they connected with their childhoods and the see-saws at the park, they also stopped by several more houses, unfortunately none of their visitees were home. Surely they were off on a plane somewhere, going to meet their fans. (Right JD?)
An exciting game of Truth/Dare/DoubleDare/PromiseToRepeat/FireInTheBarnyard/
MonkeyInTheAttic/RondezvousInTheDark kept the spirit going. Such frivolities occured as- Kraft pulling out Necro's hair, a Tree/Aeriana/Animosnosomething sandwich, and a lot of intimacy with inanimate objects. The game continued as they re-entered Aeriana Eve's dwelling and sat back at their apple juice beer and super flat coke.
Indeed, it was an uneventful day for these members of go12 and their affliations but it was most enjoyable to watch, as we've heard from countless recycle bins who were witnesses to the hours. Perhaps next time we'll be joined by more than 50% of the group! But of course, it's incredibly difficult to get all these famous people together. Of course.
-Aeriana Eve, A&E Staff Reporter

chug on

Yea. The hard times are a'comin'! First weekend rehearsal- five hours of...nothing. Nothing? Nothing. Ran the show pretty fast, considering it was supposed to last an hour longer. (If someone sends me the infamous vid, i'll YouTube it!) But good times...it's an old/new feeling, one I cherish. I know I'll be glad to see the back of MW come June, (hopefully) but I also know when I walk back into that room in September I'll love the smell of drama. Let loose.

Tighten up. Yep, March Break. A.K.A., "Tell yourself you're going to work your ass off and end up spending the entire week on your ass" week. Just like Christmas holiday and Easter long weekend and that P.A. Day you swore to take advantage of. I feel sick just thinking of going to school tomorrow, (probably because I pigged out all day) just because I'd much rather be at home relaxing. Or if not relaxing, at home actually working! And I can do that, during school hours. I'll accomplish a helluva lot more sitting where I am then where I'm going to be tomorrow.

And I'm going to have to. I'm going to need to work every minute of every period until my fingers are cramped and I'm yearning for my bed at 7:30pm, and I'm going to have to keep my eyes open long enough to finish that unit a day. I know I'm not going to do that. Friday 4th and 5th periods will always be the periods I'll try my hardest to work and fail. The half hour before lunch when I'm anticipating that meal will be useless. And I'm probably going to end up hallwalking and talking a bit more as well, but I swear to God I'll finish my courses. If I don't...there is no if I don't. But it's highly unlikely.

This brings grief into my heart and desperation closer than ever. I'm afraid of a calendar, I really am.

I end with a warning- if you're msging me and I'm not answering, or I'm simply not there it's because of one of the four most important things in my life. Working, sleeping, eating, and writing.

Dedicated to Marielaine, GO12, v3, TA36, and k2.

the joy of extended ta

I'm nerrdly, I know. Chock full of TA love and irony, and words like ENIGMA. *cough*COUGH.* (mumbles...) But there's something magical in TA36, especially during extended. Have I said this already? Does it matter? Having a crappy TA can mean a hellish high school for you, and I lucked out this time. Would things be different if I had...Zidar? Kopach? Small? Oh God yes. I'd be dead, that's how different it'd be. Anyways, things are moving along...unfortunately, I'm behind. By like, 20 units. But I'm doing a unit a day, with no break day so hopefully I finish early. Fat chance. I didn't work for like, six months. Back to my essays...I love being self-directed just because I can stay home when I want to. Otherwise, I hate it.

Here are some things I love about our TA...

The music.

The food.

The smart people!! Joking, joking.

I love you guys, I really do.