Hillary Clinton on Ellen

Of course y`all know that I LOOOVE to watch Ellen. Season Five of the Ellen Degeneres Show, (TEDS) opens up in New York, with Hillary Clinton up as the first guest. Watch the first video to see Ellen ask the Big Question on MY mind and hers.

Hillary Clinton on the Ellen Degeneres Show - Part 1
Uploaded by ellenhillaryvid

Queerty gets it right when it tells us that it`s great to see Ellen talking about queer issues. It`s been tough for Ellen after she came out- let`s take a quick tour of the past ten years.
1. Ellen Comes Out
2. Ellen`s sitcom character comes out with her
3. Ellen`s sitcom is stuck with a warning label on several episodes.
4. The sitcom is criticized for being too gay, and taken off the air.
5. Ellen disappears for a bit, re-emerging to pilot The Ellen Show, which never really got off the ground.
6. Ellen disappears again, but rumours that she`s going to do a talk show circulate.
7. The Ellen DeGeneres Show starts and continue to get rave reviews, but the gay community wonders, `Where`s gayEllen?"

So obviously it would be pretty difficult for our best girl to talk about being gay- first she`s too gay, then not gay enough, then too gay, then not gay enough, and finally in Season Four of TEDS her viewers saw more and more gay references.

In the fourth season Ellen talks to T.R. Knight about slurs on the set. Knight definitely respected Ellen as a pioneer for queer visibility, and sought out more guidance then she could offer while on camera.

Now Ellen comes out again, (those of us in the community know what an ongoing process coming out is) to Senator Clinton. Ellen expresses the need for same-sex couples to have the same rights as heterosexual couples. (Watch the saga of Kerry Weaver in ER to see this problem in action.) Watch the video and tell me what you think about it.

Why I love my Aminals.

There's a letter sized sign on my door, right next to the Positive Space one I printed off. It reads, "Welcome to Guyzeeland." We now have a population of 189, 190 including myself in our area. I explain our large family to people simply by telling them that I was a lonely child.

While this was true, I think it warrants a better explanation. Like how my brother stopped at sixty children and I stopped at...well, I haven't stopped yet. You see, we're a good family! We all love each other, and sometimes we argue, and sometimes the wait period for surgery grows and people get antsy, but all in all we're a wonderful family.

We can rely on each other. When I don't feel like talking to anyone I can just talk to them. And I don't even have to speak out loud, because we're all telepathically connected! Even though sometimes they don't get it, someone in the family will. And there's always someone to hug, when I don't want to hug a human.

And now, we'd really, really like to eat.

I am feeling anger.

There is an ugly clothes hamper in my room. I have several library books to return that are all different sizes. The vacuum is broken. I don't have curtains. THERE ARE MANY THINGS AROUND ME THAT ARE NOT PARALLEL.

I am going to try not to throw this ugly clothes hamper at a person. I am going to hold on to my library books until tomorrow morning. I will wait until the vacuum is fixed to make my nice vacuum lines. I will fix this makeshift curtain until I can purchase normal ones. I will keep writing even though I want to SCREAM and THROW and DESTROY everything in my room that is not clean and orderly.

I will try to relax without doing stupid things. I will try to relax...

She was Beautiful.

She took her own life, did you know that? They didn’t want anyone to know, so the answer always was, “a sudden loss.” Sudden. She was dying for years and no one noticed except me. I knew because she told me. Matter-of-a-factly one day she just looked me in the eye and told me that she was dying. At first I thought she had a disease or some kind of pre-teen ‘dying of a broken heart’ thing but it turns out she was serious. I realized that, after a point. I noticed from afar, (we were friends only in front of each other at the time) after she told me, all the pained looks she had on her face in between people. I guess no one else was looking.

“Why are you doing this?” I’d asked her once. School had just started for another year and we felt the breath of autumn on our backs, and she’d called to ask me if I wanted to touch its’ heart. I had no idea what she was saying until she translated that into, ‘want to go to the park?’

She turned to me, straggly pieces of hair stuck up in the wind. “I didn’t ask for this,” she whispered.

“Can’t you make it stop?” although I knew well enough that she couldn’t. I couldn’t either.

“I can’t stop it for either one of us.” She took a skip forward, her pale fingers dancing over the air and faced me, dead on. “I wish I could, you know that right?”

“I know. I’m not all stupid man/boy.”

“More like boy/man!” and she laughed, that laugh that haunts me because I can hear it now. I can tell.

So we kept going on like that. Moments of eloquence followed by a shallow struggle to pull out of the awkward moments we created. Or she did, I was always unnerved by the way she got straight to the point. No ambling.

She called herself, “less than ordinary.”

She prayed for fifteen years then noticed she didn’t think anyone was there.

She forced me to make promises, and I did the same to her.

She stared in the mirror and saw nothing.

I’m telling you the truth. It wasn’t a sudden death. It wasn’t quick, it wasn’t painless. She was my beautiful, my silent and I don’t know exactly when it happened. It must have been years ago. But to everyone else, it was two nights ago, at 2:47 in the morning and they all thought, “what a shame” when they saw her lying there. I’m ashamed.

-written march, 2006.

Water

I know I've blogged about this before... probably a few times. My brother is having a party downstairs and I know that's kind of a trigger for me, so I was glad when my dad told me to ask a few people to come over too. No one ended up coming or calling or anything, so Bunny and I watched a few movies and ate carrots. Well, she ate her Everlasting Carrot and I had a hamburger.

I really hate this about me. That I'm so sensitive to stuff like that, that it can affect me so much. It is so easy to make me feel sad- hell, even if the characters in the books I read are sad, I become sad. The first time I read the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime I started speaking choppy and very literally. (The second time I read it I took on the British mannerisms of Christopher and his supporting characters.) Sometimes that's fun though.

Anyways, I've been feeling kind of shit lately. I don't know why...I have a solid, realistic plan for school, I have an amazing job, I have great friends, I have my aminals, I'm out, I'm open about my MI's, and because I come home so late from work and my brother was having this party, he actually cleaned the house. I love it when it's vacuumed. I remember one Christmas I would vacuum the entire house at least three times a day...mmm...cleanliness....

I'm totally on my meds. I'm actually about to dole out my week's worth in my little green container, (did you know they make it in pink and purple? Those are my favourite popsicle colours!) so you KNOW I'm staying on them. I even have my green stripy cup to match so I can take them right away.

I want to be doing more with my life. That's completely crazy, considering that I sleep 12 hours a day. (Hey! We're down from 14! Yay!) But I want to sew Big Bunny, since she's only surviving on a lot of safety pins right now. I'd sew her on the bus if she wasn't so...big... I want to be volunteering at RVC, since I've gotten so much from the hospital. I want to be getting posters and pamphlets to start off for Speak.

This hurts so much...I don't know why...I want it to go away so badly but I know beggars can't be choosers. (I've heard that three times at Griffin in the past week.) At least I feel good sometimes, instead of just shit all the time.

G'night y'all.

aHA!

Yesterday, or quite recently, I blogged about how it's weird that I'm getting better but I feel a little out of control. (To be more precise, more self-destructive.)

I got it! I'm FEELING MORE. It's been a long time since I've felt anything but self-hatred, irritation, and extreme depression. After my last episode, I felt almost nothing. Just numb. And NOW, I'm feeling angry/sad/happy and apart from having to learn what to do with those emotions, I'm also learning just to feel them again. Usually when I feel the slightest hint of anything, I'd just go straight to self-destruct to make it go away, but I don't want this to go away.

It's been years since I felt things like this, and it's horrible.

It's not really horrible. I mean, this is what I've wanted, to feel something. To feel happy and sad sometimes.

I think I have to come back to this, it's all so new!

Doing The Gay Thing

Someone asked me, "Why? Why can't you just be..." after I had told an endearing story about a PO Box and The Advocate.

Why can you just be gay? Do you really have to do this Pride/Curve/Ellen thing?

I asked myself this question a lot a little while ago, when I was trying to figure out what everyone, "in the community" was doing and trying to do it too. I thought, "Do I have to do all this gay stuff? Can't I just be gay?" And of course I can! I can do whatever the hell i want!

But I want to be a part of this community. I love that I'm working with the Compass group at the Griffin Centre now, I love that I've got the Speak thing going, I love that this is who I am and I'm living it. At some point, I realized I'm not "doing the gay thing."

Come on. Would you, my probably straight reader, want to read a magazine all about how to pick up the best lesbian? Where all the great gay bars are? NO! That's not interesting to you at all! And reading about how to ask out a guy and impress the other sex doesn't interest me. There is no such thing as the "gay thing," I'm just reading and doing and participating in things that interest me.

I think it took that question to realize that although I tried very hard to figure out things like Xtra and the Index and OurChart and stuff like that, (and learning how to say the 5-19 instead of the five-hundred-nineteen church street community centre) I was just learning about myself, and finding things I'm interested in.

I AM just being gay.

I don't get it....

Right now, I really want to be writing in my diary but that's not going to happen. With the normal stress of June Rush usually comes a wave of anxiety, followed shortly by a shit load of OCDness. One of my compulsions is writing really perfectly, but it`s just not practical. So I`ve been typing my exams and really hesitating to write anything down, since it`s so frustrating and slow. I don`t know what`s with me. I`m so much better now...I`m feeling things that I haven`t felt in years and years. Like anger, I haven`t felt something that sharp and loud in forever so when I felt it again my first thought was actually, `What the fuck am I supposed to do with this feeling?" Then I promptly turned around and swore at the assholes talking behind me.

But even though I'm feeling things like being NORMAL sad and NORMAL happy, not the extremes of either one there are still moments...no, there are more moments when I really want to revert to my old, self-destructive ways. It's so scary to have this now and feel like this, almost terrifying. I'm more scared now than I was when I wanted to kill myself...although then, I was really just happy that I'd found a way out.

Is this is way I normally am? When I first started on the pills I wondered if I'd have any idea who I was without depression or anxiety, and I'm quite sure I don't.

Tonight at dinner I was eating my rice in a square, carefully pushing each grain into my little square of rice and trying to get the last mini grains onto my fork because you CAN'T LEAVE THEM THERE, (I also find it weird that sometimes that matters so much to me, and other times not at all) and my family was all, "You're just fucking around!" because they wanted me to get more soup. There's the anger again, and Dr. G said...I'm going to go bike.

Christ in Me

Literally, because I took Eucharist today for the first time in about a year. Y'all know I go to the United Church now, and today was a Eucharist Mass. (They only have it once a month.) Now, this is my fourth time going to Ebeneezer, and the first mass I hadn't had a panic attack for many, many months. I am glad to say I did NOT start hyperventilating today, but I didn't freak out a little when they came up with the bread and the wine. (Err...the bread and the juice.)

I stopped taking Communion when I started accepting my mood disorders and my queerness, and rejecting the Church`s rejection. I kind of...well, I get this feeling that the Catholic church really controls everything, the secular AND the sacred. So for some reason, I stayed away from Communion. Because they can revoke it, and it didn't seem like something about Jesus, it was more of a thing they could take away.

So today I just stayed in my seat, and then Billie came and tugged me up and I said that I wasn't in a state of grace, and she said we didn't have to be! And that it was okay! That we were all welcome to take Communion! And she taught me how to do it in a United Church, and afterwards I was crying. I have never felt so welcome at a Church in my entire life. People don't judge you, they don't tsk tsk when you turn around...god, I was afraid of turning around to watch people come down the aisle until someone told me it was okay.

But it was amazing. To be welcome to that again? To have people not care that I'm gay or dealing with mental illness. But it was also saddening that this experience had to be had... and that it matters so much. I will always be saddened by that, I think.

On Account of Homophobia

Let me tell you a story.

Today Pauline and I were at Timmy's after stopping by the library, talking about religion and the schisms, and how it was so weird that Henry VIII wanted a divorce so he create a whole 'nother religion... when these pleasant people who were sitting next to us asked us what we thought fundamentalism was. So we stuttered through answering that we just studied it and hmmm...it is...it's...hold on, we'll get it...uhh...anyways, they started talking about how it's great that we've accepted Jesus into our lives, (because we told them we went to Catholic school) and that Jesus doesn't take away all hardship, but rather guides us through it to pleasure and happiness. So eventually they mentioned marrying a guy...and of course, I had to wonder, "What if I don't want to marry a man?" and eventually got to saying that I'm gay, whereupon they told me that Jesus still loves me, but he doesn't love my lifestyle. And that they cannot accept someone being gay, and that I am living a life of sin and I must pray for Jesus to save me and that would pray for me...and I said that I accept who I am and whom I love, but thank you anyways, and I left.


So first I was a little shocked. I've had a few encounters like this before, but I was one guy saying, "God hates people like you" and then ignoring me, and some other people just ignoring me, this was a little bit more painful. Because they BELIEVED it, because they thought that I was sinful for loving, because they really in their hearts were going to pray that I got past "that."

Another thing is that they said, "Jesus still loves you." I didn't think there was any question of it! I know He loves me! Or like when people say, "Oh, it's okay." I didn't think there was a problem, or that it ISNT okay. Maybe I'm just really touchy. For a moment there I thought that I was ASKING it, by coming out to those people, but I realize, I'm not being OVERTLY GAY, I'm just being out. Being myself. Do you ever tell someone they're being OVERTLY STRAIGHT? Exactly. This bothers me.

This is the important stuff.

I finally found it in me to stop lying. You all know I've had trouble with the Catholic Church, eventually leaving it and ceasing all activity there. Last week I went to the United Church about two minutes away from my house, because it was a more open and accepting community. What I found was definitely accepting. Everyone was so welcoming and so nice, and I didn't feel as if I had to hide any part of me.

Last week I also became out to my parents.

Mainly, I'd been in the closet to make sure my parents didn't find out. Once they knew, (and I'd rather not go into that) I didn't see a reason to stay there. You see, I've already dealt with stigma. Racism when I was younger, and mental illness more recently. I hid my depression and anxiety for two years. TWO YEARS I was going to the hospital every week, dealing with it by myself because my family didn't want to acknowledge it. I know what it's like to hide. After I was able to become open about my struggles I knew I'd be able to talk about being gay.

I recognize that there will be problems. After all, mental illness isn't SUCH a hot button topic, and there were still issues there. I am ready and willing to talk to you if you want to, but please keep an open mind. I know that I have always been this way. I know some of my past was experimenting, to make sure that I am. (Not that those experiences are any less important to me now.) I know God still loves me, and that I have a right to have and do everything straight people do.

I know I have to watch out. I hesitated before putting Mental Health Day on my updated resume, and I will hesitate before I put the things I'm going to do on it later. There will be discrimination and fear, but I am who I am. I cannot change, I will not be ashamed. I hate that I have to even fight for this, for equality in so many ways but I will.

I'm going to go to the admin at Mary Ward soon and inform them of my intentions of starting a new group at school, named Speak for now. Click here for the Mission Statement. Note I did not say that I would ask for permission. We have a legal right to host any club as long as it complies with the law within our school. It is for everyone. For those who want to help, for gay, straight, trans, mentally ill, mentally healthy, discriminated against, advocates for, and all youth who want to make change. Join me, for this is our society to make a difference in.

To catch up on things...

There's a lot I want you guys to know. First, the mundane stuff.

Today is May 21st. Last day to submit unit with test is May 31st. I have about 30 units to complete and I swear to God, I WILL finish them. I will give up EATING until I get HUNGRY AGAIN. I will do units on my break at work. I will do units at the clinic. I will do units on the bus, on my lap, at family parties, (but not at the wedding) and in the car.

I admit, I will definitely get distracted. The weather is beautiful, I feel like shopping, and I have just met some very amazing people. But I must finish my courses. Shortman- I probably won't be talking as much. Stranger - I know I haven't been talking as much, so now I'm probably just going to make a lot of high pitched noises. JR - RAWWWWWWWKKK!!! quack-neigh. Pau and Christine - You will probably be the people I get distracted the most by. Tsk tsk.

I will also admit that I do have higher priorities than units. My health will always be first, and if I feel that I need to take some time to keep myself from getting into a dangerous state of mind I will take it. If I feel that I am pushing myself too hard to do too much and that could result in some serious repercussions, I will slow down. It took me a long time to recognize that I must ignore the guilty feelings when I take care of myself. I would rather be alive than done my courses. And I would like to stay wanting to be alive. I know my limits, and I'm not crossing them.

My Daemon

Kat's Debut

What can I do with this fire?

I'm a a little over two weeks away from my 17th birthday, which is pretty insignificant compared to last year. I'm already old enough to drive, old enough to emancipate myself, and old enough to...be too lazy to get my license. But the one thing that's important about turning 17 is that I have to start preparing for my debut. Yea, us Filipino's are completely nuts. Kat Is Becoming A Woman.



So for all of you who don't know what a debut is, it's pretty much a coming-of-age for a Filipino girl. It's similar to the Jewish Bat Mitzvah, the Spanish Quinceañera, the white girl's sweet sixteen, and the brown girls...menarche. There's some ceremony, one of them being cotillion, where the girl's friends perform dances. Mostly they're traditional Filipino dances and ballroom. The other ceremony is 18 Candles and 18 Roses, where the girl is presented with...18 candles and roses by her friends and family. Men give the roses, women give the candles.

I wasn't sure if I wanted a debut or not...I can just imagine everyone going nuts near May even without dance rehearsals and stuff, but my Lolo and Lola have always dreamt of my debut. Apparently for Filipino boys it's 21, but I don't think we did anything special for my brother. So I have a lot of questions...

1. Do you want to be a dancer? Please, please say yes! I have like, nine girls, and none of us can dance.
2. Do you want to be an 18 Candles/Roses person? Please, please say yes! I have...my cousins are all really old, and I don't really want to be giving 3 year olds candles.
3. Should I have a head-table? I don't like the idea of sitting above everyone, or being stared at. But my friends want one. I was going to just have a table for us, but I'm not sure.
4. What should be the theme? I'm all for a Sea Otter or Jellyfish theme, but my mom wants spring. Maybe I'll compromise and be Groundhog. You know, groundhogs come out in spring and all.

SERIOUSLY, I need help. I was never big on the debut thing, but I'm getting kind of into it. I just don't know what to do!!!

Mental Health Day

All in all, I'm a little bit glad that I missed out on FLUID this week because I wouldn't have had enough time to freak out over MHD. I would have been freaking out over several things, and honestly my brain doesn't have the space for all that shit. I've managed to push away a lot of that fear and anxiety, at least the unfounded fear and anxiety, and I'm not very well equipped to deal with that much of it. I've got tools to deal with it, but gosh, that was SCARY! Even the night before I surrounded myself with my aminals because it was sinking it. We'd been planning MHD for months, but the idea of telling my story, one I'd hid for a long time in front of people I was afraid of was pretty scary.

When I got to school my first thought was- I have to go to TA. So I went to TA and then I put my stuff in my locker and went to the library and changed my clothes and gave Morrison those Myths about Mental Illness sheets and took a seat. And remembered to breathe. (I actually think that Ms Morrison reminded me to do that.) I think I fidgeted a lot. Mr. Francis showed up and WHA, that was cool! The talk Mary-Anne gave was pretty engaging, but I think I was too nervous to really stop moving.

The break came...I really stopped breathing then until I had stopped running around in circles and was helping Ashley set up the conference room chairs. Here, I had a peer who was about to do the same thing and I think I took heart from him. The teachers really helped too, gosh, that was scary. But they helped me get settled and ready and that was really important. I was completely winging it, but it felt right after a little while. Still nervous, still doing that thing where I make jokes when I'm feeling awkward, but right. When Val and Vae started talking though, I really wished I didn't smile at all the wrong times because I felt like crying. My friends have supported me when I didn't have anyone to talk to without making an appointment, and they supported me even when I did. They are not obligated, they are not condemned if they don't help, but they do it anyways. And no matter when happens in my life, I will never forget the amazing love and friendship they gave to me when I felt I had nothing left but a handful of pills.

The second group was better. I passed around more of my stuff and talked about all the things I'd forgotten about in the first one, and it still tugged at my heart to hear Val and Vae.

Nonetheless, it was a huge relief when lunch came. Did anyone know the caf made such awesome food? Still want some of that pasta, amazing pasta. It felt really weird talking to all those adults though. Just goes to show you, I really have to stop hanging out with toddlers, because all I could think of to say was things about how cute my nieces and nephews are and how I "don't get it." Seriously, grown-ups are a different species.

Dr. Berber was cool. He was very different from any other speaker I'd seen, and I think Mary Ward makes a point of arranging for unique speaking styles. His mnemonics were pretty useful actually, I'm trying to find a website or something where those are listed but I'm just finding a lot of articles citing him as a resource. If anyone finds it, can you tell me? It was good.

Although it really was a roller coaster day, (and all those people who met my gr8 teacher in the first group know I don't like roller coasters!) it was very freeing. No more hiding.

Vlog Number Thirteen

Post 101!!!

Google my House!

Google My House!

The newest search tool from Google is designed to target even the laziest of teenagers. It's called Google my house! and it's the biggest internet phenomenon since YouTube and virtual packing bubbles. (Internet Videos and Stress Helpers.)

The newest Google enables you to search the contents of your house, and their locations after a quick scan. Google sends a small leprechaun through your Internet Connection which then appraises your goods and continues to mark any changes in your house. Then you can easily search for anything on your property through the internet wizard. Here are some search functions we loved at Power of What.

Find: textbooks+paper+unit guides+units+lunch+drink+weed into schoolbag.
Find: schoolbag.
This search query finds the items listed above and follows the instruction, "into" to pack your bag for you. Another quick flick of the wrist and your packed bag is by your side. You can even break it down to find the components of your lunch and put them together, if you use the right terms.

Find: hard liqueur+shot glass
Lose: parental supervision
This handy "lose" function is great for us!

Find: functional family
Unfortunately, we found a tiny glitch. After inputting this search query, we recieved this message.
"SYNTAX ERROR: SEARCHED ITEM DOES NOT EXIST. Contact leprechaun for further assistance."
We've learned to expect a lot from google, but I think that pushed the limits.

Anyways, with this great new addiction- sorry- addition to the google family, we're sure to become a much more obese nation. Can I google Timmy's?

A Streetcar Named Desire

That's right, we finally made it. Grade 11 drama is a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun too! Below...the cast for Scene 7 and 8.
Stanley Kowalski - Matt G
Blanche DuBois - Pauline D
Stella Kowalski - Kat Y
A real cake, real candles, REAL BROKEN CUPS. Even though we took forever memorizing lines and it was...really...awkward in rehearsal, that was the REAL SHIT out there! Matt was really pissed, and alternately quite loving, and Blanche was the crazy bitch we knew she really was. My darling sister! (Did anyone else feel bad when she went to the asylum?)

I'm having a lot of trouble writing this, so I'm going to go to sleep again.

Awwww....I love this commercial.

Sleep-Speak

I've been sleeping like a koala. Which is nothing new, I mean even before the new stuff I'd been pretty much a 16-hour girl. I really hate that sometimes he says it could just be my sleep cycle, because honestly I don't know anyone else who sleeps this much. Normally. You know, someone without mental health issues. I've actually gone out wearing my pajama's a few times this week, just because I cannot get out of my bed. And once I'm out, I'm not out for long, so why bother changing?

Tuesday was the usual. I had one of those stupid appointments where you have one and then another one 1 1/2 hours later, so I used my time to explore. Turns out there wasn't much that I hadn't covered except the first floor, which I had an inexplicable fear of. IT WAS AWESOME. I found the Tunnel to Shoniker, which is yellow and ugly, but functional. I found the swimming pool, for physio, and the other lobby, and these boring offices that I don't think I was supposed to go into. Whatever. I didn't find the other piano though...maybe I misunderstood him.

Here's the fun part- semi formal! (Hence, the picture above.) Val and I got all sexy and straight-haired and make-upped and dressed-up. When we got there it was all white-food and we were all white-dancing but it was okay, because we had FUN! It was pretty cool actually, I thought it'd be a little lonely but it wasn't.

Here's the BIG NEWS- Jump the Gun is off and running! Pauline and I have been meeting with Morrison and Ireland for a little while, so things are really happening. For y'all blog readers, I know you don't have any idea with JTG is, so here's a quick summary:

Jump The Gun is an in-school initiative with a focus on VOICE. We believe in speaking up to achieve change in a peaceful yet meaningful manner. Using our voices and our words, we believe that we can amend what people believe has to be, to what can be. We believe in an active lifestyle of advocating acceptance. Who people are makes no difference, but what they do can change the world. What a beautiful world it can be, if we only step up, speak up, and make a difference.

Hey, I said it would be quick. And now my font is different and it's bothering me. BE STRONG KAT, BE STRONG!!! We're doing a big kickoff with a Mental Health Day for Ireland's IDC students. Yours truly will be hosting a workshop herself. I'm pretty proud of myself, but I'm afraid the realities of mental illness are going to eat at this. (Excessive sleeping, low mood, changed appetites, etc?) I mean, it's all well and good to do something awesome like this, but it's a completely different cricket game when you're doing it with mental illness.

I'm happy to save I've found a place at school for myself. I was always a little bit jealous of my brother, having all these people who still remember him, (I've been called Eric a few times, which is weird, because even if I don't look like a girl I DO have breasts and he doesn't.) I didn't have anyone to remember me. I think I do now, and that really makes a difference. Just today I was remembering how I used to hate the walls at Ward when I first started going there...but now, they make up the walls of my home. It's not always safe, and it's not always pleasant, but it's another home.

Alright guys, I'm going to head off to sleep. G'night.