Refurb Table at the Apartment

I'm your very own Grosgrain Fabulous, your Selfish Seamstress, maybe even your Mod Podge Rocks Amy.

Last Sunday my mom brought down a pretty hideous old brown folding table to append to the table in my apartment, for dinners with ol' chums or all weekend study sessions.

Against my better judgement, I decided to wipe it down that day.  And then...I couldn't stop.  I downloaded the mp3 lectures from my Anatomy and Physiology textbook website so I wouldn`t lose study time and got started.

I mod-podged the top, then laid down a stubbornly wrinkly sheet of wrapping paper.  At this point, I became too excited to take pictures.  After I carefully removed the excess paper, I put down some masking take and sealed it with three more layers of mod-podge.

In between layers I went to the courtyard to coat my shopping trolley, backpack and fall coats with waterproofing spray, muttering review answers like "disaccharides"..."B.  B!"..."Selectively-permeable-phospholipid-bilayer" to the chill evening air.

I was going to wait until after I had written this weeks midterms to seal it with acrylic and spray paint the body white, but my frustration with anatomy got the better of me and I flipped the kitchen stove hood to high, opened my window a full 15cm, and sealed that muthaf--- just a few hours ago.  Here the Fearsome Four have a midnight snack at their fancy new table while accompanying Mama during her last minute cramming!

I know, I never cram.  But here I am, trying to stuff information into my brains and suddenly I`ve coated a table in acrylic, taken photos, and I`m about to upload this new post.

As for the white paint, I`d have to sand the rest of the table before I paint it, and I don't foresee myself having the time for a couple weeks at least.  In the meantime, I filled in the slivers of paint that were ripped off with the masking tape with a brown marker.  It appears to be made of construction paper underneath, and the legs are covered in a weird fake vinyl like someone thought they were making a suitcase instead of a table.

Oh Physics, I really want to write a few more posts with the photos I`ve got since I moved, but I really must get back to...Merkel cells and stratum basale.

1 Day Disengaged from the Chaos

Monday August 13th, 2012
-Submit re-application for YWCA housing
-Pizza Hut?
-Update agenda
1730: CPSY202 Final Exam!

Express bus waived.
I left the house with plenty of time to get everything done downtown.  I thought about running to catch the bus that would connect me with an express route, but I checked Red Rocket and shrugged.  I'll wait a few minutes so I don't have to transfer buses!

Extra air-conditioning!
Once I got to Dundas Station, I almost got up to street level before remembering I wasn`t going straight to campus.  I took the air-conditioned PATH to the bus terminal and just had to walk a block to get to my destination.  I even stopped by CIBC so I wouldn`t have to remember on my way back home.

No cramming required.
I pre-read.  I attended lecture.  I took lecture notes, and added those to my pre-notes.  I handwrote the information our prof said would be on the test.  I took out my notes on the bus and subway and when I got to class, but I didn`t really need them.  I loaned them to other people and set up my pencil, eraser, and student card perpendicular to the desk.

And it was decided.
No more "you decide" "no you decide" I don't care" I don't care either"!  It's Monday?  Oh, it's 4 bellinis/4 appetizers for $40 a Milestones.  I asked a friend from class, I'll meet you there.  And so PCK decided what to do and where to go and what to order in record time.

Suburban woman race- meh.
Within a few minutes of me getting to the bus platform on my way home, a bus arrived.  Rather than cram myself in and try to beat other people for the three single seats, I decided to wait.  Not more than five minutes later a bus saunters up to the curb and only three of us wander onto it.  Ahhh, that's nice personal space.


If only I could figure out how to skip the rat race all the other days!



 

Developing Reading Fluency with Books in a Series - Kat Style

These some of the kids books I've saved or collected over the years.  Something from Nothing (Phoebe Gilman) was my absolute favourite.  It featured a young Jewish boy whose grandfather would turn the scraps left from his special baby blanket into something new- a jacket, a vest, a tie, a handkerchief, a button, and a wonderful story.  The illustrations showed a whole new story- a mouse family using the pieces that fell beneath the floorboards to make their own something!  

I read somewhere that once a child can sound words out on their own well you should no longer prompt them to sound out words they ask you to read for them.  It interrupts their reading-flow.  Instead just read the word clearly, define it if they ask, and they`ll learn what it looks like.  

Throughout college and university, I`ve noticed that my language skills give me an advantage more and more often.  For me, reading really is like jumping into the world of the story.  A particularly vivid book can prompt me to hear, see, and feel everything as if it`s truly happening.  Sometimes I`ll even speak with the same language, cadence, and inflection as the book is written!  My vocabulary helps me self-teach.  I can use precise wording to verbalize what I'm learning with all the nuances required.  It helps me make sense of topics I haven`t encountered before.  The set of Latin and Greek roots I`ve learned from my reading helps me read unfamiliar science text, and even everyday Spanish and Italian.

To help your child visualize while they read, they can try some of these activities:

• Writing and illustrating their own stories
• Acting out stories
• Writing their own extensions, or fanfiction

My parents were particularly fond of bringing my brother and I to the local, (very small and safe) library and letting us loose.  My mom had no problem checking out 20 books a WEEK for us!  By grade 8, I had read every remotely interesting book in that building.  

The children`s books above shared some characteristics:     

• My parents loved them.  I read Little House on the Prairie because my dad said it was the first English book her was addicted to.
• I could relate to them!  My class loved Ping, a book featuring an Asian duck.
• Vivid descriptions reinforced my ability to "see" the book while I read it 

I still choose books like this- ones that have been recommended, ones with a similar but different world, and especially books that feature characters like me.    

Growing Fluency with Books in a Series 

Books in a series are great!  You can really get into the premise and the characters.  The first series- Dave Pilkey's Captain Underpants- is appropriate for young readers in grade three, but if you can motivate your child to work through the longer books when they're younger, all the better, if only because it gives you more time to get through the other treasuries.  These are listed in ascending order of difficulty and length.

1.  Captain Underpants - Dave Pilkey
This is the ultimate starter book for kids who have mastered children's books.  Captain Underpants is a hapless superhero in underwear who goes about town saving people from toilet-humour travesties.  

2.  Little House on the Prairie - Laura Ingalls Wilder
My dad was reading one of these books when he stepped into the street in Malinao, Philippines and was run over by a car.  He subsequently spent a month in hospital, unsure if he would walk again...still reading these books.  Laura tells the story of her pioneer family in early America, from their clan in the Big Woods to her marriage.  As the family travels west, they homestead in various states, face a long winter, battle droughts and infestations and live in a dug-out by Plum Creek!  Kids will learn history, ye-olde vocabulary, and tons on how many things were done before industrialization!  Laura's writing is accessible to young and old.  Don't be surprised if you snatch the book off their nightstand!

3.  The Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin, or modern equivalent 
I put "modern equivalent" because the series references cassette tapes, super-perms and station-wagons, which are just a tiny bit behind the times.  These books are so easy to read, and encompass different lifestyles, (Stacey, the urban shopper with diabetes) your child is bound to relate to one of the babysitters and immediately want to start a babysitting business.  Find a teen or young adult, they will have dozens of these to unload on you!  This series is for gathering knowledge about how other people live in present times.

3.  The Giver, Messenger, Gathering Blue - Lois Lowry 

The Giver is mandatory reading for all humans.  These books contain some heavy subjects.  The Giver is a man in a heavily regimented community who is designated to carry all the knowledge- good and bad- on behalf of everyone else.  He alone knows of war, pain, famine.  All three books in the series carry strong themes of not fitting in, of being different- but of being special as well.  I suggest reading these first, so you can talk with your child about the stories.       

4.  Anne of Green Gables - Lucy Maud Montgomery 

Anne is another misfit.  When Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert decide to adopt a boy to be a farmhand, (apparently a completely acceptable practice in PEI in the early 1900s) they get a red-haired klutz with a huge imagination instead.  These books are proper novels, set in small type with long chapters, often shelved in both the adult and teen section of the bookstore.  Anne is- Anne is just the best person.  Read the books, get your children to read the books, and get to know her.  Plus, you learn some Canadian/Maritime slang in addition to the lives and vocabulary of the 1900's.  When I say my Lolo is my kindred spirit, I learned it from here.  

5.  Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling

Harry Potter will become a box set that all home libraries must possess, like 2,3, and 4 above.  The books age with your children.  As the reader grows older, so too do the themes of each book.  Harry Potter is the ultimate Latin learner.  Almost all the spells in the series can be explained if you simple examine the base words.  Priori Incantatem- prior incantation.  Expelliarmus - expel arms.  Wingardium leviosa - wings levitate.  Duro - durable.  Liberacorpus - liberate corpse.  

From here you can help your children delve into the world of adult fiction.  Once I had exhausted the teen section, I didn`t know where to start.  The adult fiction section was huge!  Now I tend towards books that have been recommended by other nerds and friends, popular books, and those with attractive covers and summaries I find at the used book store or the library.

You can supplement these with:
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Sisterhood Everlasting  - Ann Brashares
His Dark Materials Trilogy - Philip Pullman
The Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins

Books For When You've Achieved Reading Fluency

The Giver - Lois Lowry

Also listed above, this book of dystopian fiction shows how things can go wrong when knowledge is reserved for a select few.  In this case, just one man and his apprentice.  It is not a problem of ignorance, where people aren`t taught things they should be, but one of experience, life, humanness, learning, opportunity, and of course, freedom.  

His Dark Materials Series - Philip Pullman

Lyra plays protagonist in the series, aided by Will started in book two.  This series is phenomenal.  Religion, power, hope, death, person-hood, the beyond, mysticism, magic, technology, manipulation, physics, existence, planes of existence, many-worlds theory, an unknown force for consciousness, all of these are covered in the trilogy.  Some of my personal existential philosophy comes from these books.  These books influenced me to explore physics.  This is teen action with adult concepts.  Read it.

Live Through This - ed. Sabrina Chapadjiev

An anthology, this book is a must-read for those who identify themselves (or have been forcibly identified as) Other.  You will find amazing pieces that illustrate the intersection between creativity and self-destruction and light a path towards wholeness.  If you have no problem writing an essay on ways you have overcome, check out this book.

    

       

               

              

     

House-Hunting in Downtown Toronto

I`ve been on a three-month quest to find somewhere to live when the new school year starts at Ryerson.  As most of you know, I've been having issues with chronic fatigue for a little more than a year.  Sleep paralysis, horrible nightmares, excessive daytime sleepiness, excessive nighttime sleepiness, yea yea it sucks arse.  I'm hoping that moving walking distance to campus will make it easier for me to attend all my lectures without needing two days in between to recuperate.

Here's the problem- it turns out that I may not be everyone's ideal tenant.  I don't smoke, have pets (Speedy will have to stay at home), or drink to excess; I am impeccably clean and organized, my credit score is freaking amazing, I have a steady income, and yet- there are some criteria I never thought of when choosing an applicant for your property:

1. Amount of time actually spent in rental.  We'd prefer it if you would work full time, study part-time, walk dogs for the humane society, attend midnight mass, and sleep in a tent.    
2. Sexual proclivities.  I've seen a fair number of posts on Craigslist and Kijiji offering rooms in lovely apartments for cut-rate rent.  I click on the link thinking it's probably a scam and then I discover that it's not.  The poster is in Toronto, you can take a look at the house without sending any money first, but you should probably send a him picture.  I wonder why all these men advertising for "sexual favours" in exchange for rent only want short-term leases?  Nevermind.  I don't want to know.
3. Love of God.  Don't worry, you don't need to be eyeballs deep in religion, the landlord just wants to rent to a righteous, moral student who breathes God into their everyday life.  

Unfortunately I intend to live in the place I pay for, with money and not sex, and worship whatever type of physics I please.  Don't worry, you'll be allowed to visit whether you're for string theory or loop.  (I have no idea what either of those theories are.  Matter?  States?  Quarks, leptons, bosons?)  Charismatic astrophysicists named Neil deGrasse Tyson (I will require two sets of photo ID, one of which must be from the federal government) can come in almost anytime.  The 15th Commandment is Thou shalt not bother Kat when she`s cleaning or studying!       

Getting my Essay On

Justice v. Mercy

"Justice and mercy are both fundamental to civilized human life.
If we are to continue to live in an ordered and supportive world,
both justice and mercy are required.
You must choose either justice or mercy as the
key requirement for the continuation of civilized life."

After a couple weeks of struggling to put this together, I turned to the Magical White Board.  After four hours I cracked the essay and will shortly be KICKING ITS ASS.     

Power, equity, freedom!

My Top 5 Nerdiest Moments

1. 

Geek Day?  Oh ho ho ho.  OH ho ho ho.  Oh HO ho ho!!!  This Monday (Victoria Day in Canada) I got my very first tattoos.  Balance, in clear block capitals and below it...
"WE ARE STARDUST" SPELLED IN AMINO ACIDS TATTOOED ON MY ARM.  Tryptophan, glutamic acid.  Alanine, arginine, glutamic acid.  Serine, threonine, alanine, arginine, asparatic acid, selenocysteine, serine, threonine. 
I hope some stern but loving prof chastises me for writing a test with notes so blatantly written on my arm...only to discover that they cannot be scrubbed off.  "Well, you're not going to have those notes your whole life!"
"Actually sir..."
This is the point where my prof discovers my true dedication to science and takes my suggestion for a new study which will be on the cover of the New England Journal of Medicine and I will be (the well-deserved) first-author which will be so amazing I get a full scholarship into every medical school in North America.  (The US med schools will also offer comprehensive health insurance.)

2.  In grade 5 we learned about cells and the human body.  I was so fascinated I inadvertently memorized the skeletal system.  Two years later in grade 7 I decided to present a study on eukaryote cells.  My entire class AND my teacher repeatedly told me it was the most boring topic they had ever heard, that my presentation was full of boring facts that weren't nearly as interesting as I made them out to be.  People actually fell asleep.  I was so engaged with cytology that I thought they were all joking!  It wasn't until last year (at age 21) that I realized...they were genuinely bored by cells.  Unfathomable!

3.  When I was 14 I came home from school and approached my parents at the dinner table, "Mom...Dad...can I have four hundred dollars?!"
"What?!  WE DON'T HAVE FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!  WHAT DO YOU NEED FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR!?"
"I want to go to Science Camp at the science centre."
"Oh!  Do you want $800 so you can go twice?"

4. Last summer I applied for one job, and one job only. (In part because my job application process was cut short due to Lolo's stroke.)  After Angie called and offered me the job, I did a little jig, pounced on Lolo`s bed and yelled, "I GOT THE JOB AT THE SCIENCE CENTRE!!!"  Of course all the other men in his hospital room wanted to know what had happened, especially since we had fostered a lovely sense of camaraderie and I was happy to dance around the room and let them all know.  It took some consideration, but with Lolo and Lola's blessings I took the position and reveled in the absolute nerdiness of it.  I struggled with my energy throughout the summer, but it was an experience I will never forget.


5.  Anytime I have gotten films or imaging done, I've tried to collect the results.  Included below are several x-rays, pre- and post-surgery, a CT scan and an MRI.

Book Queue

I just set up the top shelf next to my desk to be my "reading queue".  Separate from my required readings for school, it's kind of awesome to have.  It's like a travel itinerary.

Coming up!
1.  Your Money or Your Life, Vicki Robin, Joe Dominguez, Monique Tilford - As Bunny says, it's so I can buy her more carrots.  I need to find a new way to think about money, because I'm operating on a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of money management that is not good for anyone.    
2.  The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke, Suze Orman - Intending to move out for the pending school year requires a whole lot more savvy than I possess. 
3.  Finding Me in France, Bobbi French - It's a book written by a Canadian child & adolescent psychiatrist who decided to uproot and move to Semur-en-Auxois in Burgandy, France.  I hope, I HOPE it's well-written.  This is THE premise for me right now.
4.  The Elements of Cooking, Michel Ruhlman - If this doesn't do the trick, I intend to request Ratio by the same author at the library.  I'm learning how to cook from real-life practice, but I figured it couldn't hurt to work in a little book learning.  Put it into science and I shall attempt to gobble it up.
5.  La petite maison dans la prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder -  The Little House on the Prairie series were my first novels as a child, so it makes sense that they would be the same en Francais.  Problem?  I can't even read the title!  Au bord du ruisseau is the 2nd book, which my dictionary says means on the border of the creek, so I assume it's On the Banks of Plum Creek.  My dictionary will be my best friend while I go through this.
6.  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson - Christine has the series and Pau has just finished this book, so it's my turn with it now.  Truth be told, I've been holding off on the series because it's big and it looks like it will hurt my pinky finger to hold it up when I'm reading in bed.  
7. Science Is Culture, edited by Adam Bly - Christine gave me this for this past Christmas.  Science IS culture?  I'm not sure about that, but I'd like to know what Seed Magazine thinks about it!  The book consists of a series of essays on subjects like Evolutionary Philosophy, Time, Music, Morality, and the Physics of Infinity. 
8.  The Help, Kathryn Stockett - It has a friendly yellow cover!         

Let's get down to business....to defeat- exams!

I'll Make A Nerd Out Of You lyrics

Let's get down to business
To defeat exams
Did they send me tofu
When I asked for ham?
You're the dumbest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Student, I'll make a nerd
out of you

Tranquil as a library
But on fire within
Once you learn your keywords
you are sure to win
You're a noteless, unprepar-ed lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a nerd
out of you

I'm never gonna catch
my grade
Say good-bye to those
who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting class
This profs’ got 'em
scared to death
Hope he doesn't fuckin’ screw me
Now I really wish that I
knew how to study!

(Be a nerd)
We must be swift as
the lecture schedule
(Be a nerd)
With all the skills
of a great savant
With all the smarts
of an Asian person
Mysterious as the
course work we didn`t do!

Time is racing toward us
till exams arrive
Heed my every mock test
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
level 304
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a nerd
out of you?

(Be a nerd)
We must be swift as
the lecture schedule
(Be a nerd)
With all the memory
of a great savant
With all the smarts
of an Asian person
Mysterious as the
course work we didn`t do!

Carnival Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

This recipe arrived in my inbox not a moment too soon!  These yummy, shortbread-like chocolate chip cookies were a huge part of my first cruise aboard the Carnival Victory and I'm so, so happy to be able to share the official recipe with y'all.  Here's hoping the magic of these cookies is strong enough to break my baking curse as well!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 1/4 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 pound margarine
1 cup light brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons chocolate syrup
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla
2 eggs
18 ounces (1 1/2 12-ounce bags) chocolate chips 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Mix flour, salt, baking soda, nutmeg and cinnamon and put aside.

In mixer, beat margarine, sugars, chocolate syrup, and vanilla until smooth. Add eggs one at a time, beat until smooth, approximately 5 minutes. Add dry ingredients, chocolate chips, and nuts and mix by hand with wooden spoon until mixed.

Drop on baking sheet by rounded teaspoons, about 2-inches apart, and bake for 12 to14 minutes. Cool and eat!

Yield: 3 dozen cookies
Cook Time: 14 minutes.

Fabric Swatches

Carlton Case Files

I'm back at my old/new job.  It's been a year since I last got a paycheque from the fine folks at Schurman Fine Papers, but I`m strangely glad to be back among the greeting cards. 

I've switched locations, from Markville to the more TTC friendly STC.  There are rather a lot of differences between the two stores.  Markville is a cathedral compared to STC, but I think they must get the same amount of stock!  There are boxes and boxes of candles and Glass Baron and all these figurines that will never sell well enough to keep that store neat.  There's a little alcove in the back room that is almost exclusively candles, plus the candles in the main back area, and we're still supposed to get a shipment of 32 more boxes!  I didn't realize people in Scarborough were so fond of their scented jar candles!  Except they're not- hardly anyone buys them.  (If we went back to selling Yankee Candles I would buy those, so I suppose I really am from Scarborough.) 

Of course their systems for boxes and extra stuff is different, but the most annoying thing to me is that they keep their bills facing the other way in the till!  At Markville, I see a nice shiny row of red/green, pink, and blue.  At STC that wavy shiny bit goes in the back.  I find myself constantly having to turn my bills around and it's way more annoying than not being able to find things!  Register 1 is so slow I have to consciously type slower, which is great for a store.  Register 2 is not a touch screen, so I'm constantly jabbing at it.  Neither register has a little stand for the price scanner, so it gets all mixed up with the mouse and the other cords there.  I will take Markvilles cash setup any day.  At least it's consistent and neat.  On the other hand, STC has a working vacuum.      

Three memorable customers today:
1.  The woman who bought a card for her mothers birthday, though her mom had died about a year ago.  She wanted it to be perfect, so she painstakingly dictated a heartfelt message for me to inscribe in my best handwriting.  When we were done, she wiped away her tears and nodded.  Shook my hand and left for the cemetery.
2.  A man had spent nearly an hour in the store and finally came up with his $8.49 card for his wife's birthday.  After we were done, he hesitated before asking me "how much those glass things in there run".  The Glass Baron does range quite a bit, but we went over to have a look at the one he had his eye on- $24.99, just right.  I asked, but he didn't want or need to see any other pieces.  As I buffed away the fingerprints and carefully wrapped tissue paper around his find, I glanced up for a second to see him smiling a bit to himself.  I'm so glad he found a gift that will make him smile when he gives it.
3.  A young guy spent ages looking at cards, then staring at the gift-y wall.  He ended up getting a super duper fluffy wuffy Webkinz Jr. bear, then a cat to match after I told him it was BOGO free.  He then proceeded to spend a half hour writing his romantic birthday card in tiny, even script.  When he was finally done, I took a look at all he'd written and nodded to him, "Well done."  He smiled a bit sheepishly and waved goodbye.     

I am, of course, charming customers left and right.  Although I still ask them a plethotra of questions when they get to my cash, (We've got a sale on that, wanna buy some more?  Email promotions?  Rewards Card? Buy a Rewards Card? Bag?) they seem not to mind too much.  One even said she felt bad saying no to everything!  I know I get annoyed of asking, but it keeps my ADT at a reasonable level.  Actually, the discounts are so good I don't know if they're helping or hurting my "average amount per transaction" quota!  B3G3 and a good BOGO sale are all you need to get people in and buying.  All that other junk is just more profit the company could be making...and passing on to their sales associates of course!   

Can you believe, some people thank me for selling them more stuff?  And if you don't mind, that stuff is also final sale?  I am rather glad we have such pretty, paper bags for them to put their stuff in.  I work at a card store, it's the wrappings that count!          

16 Shitty Months

Here's the roundup:  3.82 GPA at George Brown, severe relapse 2 weeks before the end of the program, 4 exams deferred indefinitely, 10 days in the hospital, 13 days on Seroquel, 6 weeks getting my brain shocked in an rTMS trial at CAMH to absolutely no avail, Lolo has a massive stroke, 4 weeks in Hell Hospital aka Scarborough Grace, 10 weeks at the much lovelier Providence Healthcare, a friend from the past commits suicide, 10 weeks working at the Ontario Science Centre teaching 5 year olds science, 3 weeks in the Philippines saying good-bye to Lolo and Lola, 1 month looking for a job and feeling ripped apart without my Lolola. 

On the upside, my cousins had three new children during these months, Ava, Leanne, and Riley.  Though the rTMS did nothing to temper the worst depression I have ever had it made these terrible recurring nightmares go away.  Lolo's stroke showed me that I am more than capable of taking control, being a leader, being assertive, and loving wholeheartedly despite the hardness in my soul.  The OSC was a great job, I learned a lot about science, working in a team, working in a more formal environment, children, and even changed a lot about how I approach work.  I met a nephew, Heaven in the Philippines and discovered I really like my cousins there.  And this past month I've discovered that my hand-sewing is way better than it used to be.  Bring on the hoop!  I'm gonna embroider until I get bored with it.

Retro - Book Quiz May 2011

What To Do: Using only books you have read this year (2010-2011), answer these questions. Try not to repeat a book title. It’s a lot harder than you think!

Describe yourself:  Little in Sub Rosa (Amber Dawmn)

How do you feel: Lost and Found (Carolyn Parkhurst)

Describe where you currently live: Baby Love (Rebecca Walker)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)

Your favorite form of transportation: The Magicians (Lev Goodman)

Your best friend is: Far for Xanadu (Julie Ann Peters)

You and your friends are: An Outline in Abnormal Psychology

What’s the weather like: Oryx and Crake (Margaret Atwood)

You fear: Girl Meets Girl (Diana Cage)

What is the best advice you have to give: The Complete Eldercare Planner, Chapter 3 Be Kind to Yourself (Joy Loverde)

Thought for the day: The Brain that Changes Itself (Normal Doidge)

How I would like to die: Down by the River (Robyn Carr)

My soul’s present condition: Room (Emma Donoghue)

A Crunchy Pain

The morning after a particularly long day with the kids, a lot of walking, maybe a tough workout you wake up, stretch, and feel pain.

Mmm, that delicious ache.  Yesterday I was at a family party and I tossed many of the kids in the air.  E kept coming back to me and asking "Can we do up and down?!"  She is very close to her fourth birthday, but I couldn't resist.  Time and again today I winced when I reached for the juice, when I picked up some trash, just now when I pushed myself up off the floor.  It's pain, but it's a kind of crunchy pain.         

"Crunchy pain" or the "delicious ache" is the kind of discomfort that is temporarily relieved by a good, long, targeted stretch.  Mild to moderate muscle pain.  I rarely put in the kind of physical effort needed to create that ache for the next day, but when I do, I remember how lovely it is to find the perfect stretch that targets the exact muscle group that is clamoring for a massage.  (Which actually creates some of that crunchy pain by accessing those muscles and working them.)

I have tried three different yoga sets and each stretch that really pulled and tugged at that delicious ache created pain, but it also created a kind of...relief.  Right now I'm yearning to go back and repeat those stretches, even though they made me hurt.  So, exercise pain?  I think I like it.

Sewtacular! Jenna Lou "Girl's Best Friend" Wallet

I had previously purchased a fully made wallet from Jenna Lou Designs but after years of love and getting compliments, my pretty red wallet was decidedly ready to retire.

This time I swapped out the beautiful red design for a more minimalist design- the last scraps of my faux wood grain cotton. I paired it with my cutesy pink and green heart fabric though, and applied -gasp- appliques! But they're cute turtles so it's okay. Although my wallet isn't nearly as nice and square as Jenna Lou's I'm very happy about it. I even added a little divider behind the zipper section so I could keep my (limited) cash and my discount cards separate. Pictures of the Butterick 5317 dress coming up soon! (Pattern altered for idiots who don't read how much fabric you need before starting!)

Living Sedated - Adventures with Seroquel

Yesterday I slept 20 hours. I was awake for a mere four- from 1900 to 2300h. The night before I had taken 1/3 of my prescribed dose of Seroquel. Last night, in an effort to sleep a normal 10 hours, I took 1/6th, or 1/2 tablet of 25mg Seroquel.

Nightmares and tossing and turning oh my! Still, I slept an acceptable 12 hours and I don't feel nearly as groggy as I did yesterday. Unfortunately I woke up feeling pretty anxious and uncomfortable. My muscles were tense, I have a sick feeling around my heart and stomach, my fingers are naturally curled up. It looks like no matter what dose I take, I end up with some unpleasant side effects.

I feel like my skin is going to unravel, like a banana peel, and I need somebody or something to hold me together. The feeling is so strange and unwelcome that I had to take a PRN. Sedated, again.

November 1st 2010
I've been back hitting up all the usual websites trying to find a new medication cocktail. It turns out I`ve already been on a ridiculous 11 different pills, which is only a small fraction of the meds available. However, the other medications haven't been given a go previously for a reason. Many of the remaining meds have weight gain, even more sexual dysfunction, hyperglycemia and mental blunting listed under "Common Side Effects." Looks like more bad choices.

Treatment

I know having an episode wipe out my life again after doing so well and being so productive is difficult on the people around me as well. How do you act around someone who is sure they`re going to die soon, if not this month, than in a few years when the next relapse comes. Even when my brother says something like he wants to go back out into the world and travel, I`m wondering if I could ever do the kinds of things he does when I can`t stand bumpy ground or dampness. It`s not likely I`ll find a campsite where the ground is exactly level without any lumps, bumps, or damp. Even when my friends talk about how they only make instant noodles for dinner it cuts me because I know making noodles in the place I am now requires an incredible push from me. Something like having to tear open the bag would crush me and I`d just go back upstairs to eat Oreos.

I`m finding now without a mood stabilizer in my cocktail, (Seroquel was putting me under for days at a time, and I`m unsure if I should restart Lamictal now, I`m a bit wary of getting the rash again) I`m really angry. I can`t talk to my parents for more than a few minutes without something they say just making me want to scream. At this point, it`s not really interfering with my life so it`s hard to say if I`d go back on Lamictal just to quench that fire. I`ve always been uncomfortable dealing with anger, including my own. But I have reasons to be angry. Things I allude to, but ultimately feel I would become too enraged to talk about even on the mood stabilizer. I don`t know how or when I would ever address that anger, but at home is not the place to do it. It`s simply to volatile an environment to express anger.

I started looking up more medications to see if there`s something that could tide me over until I`m eligible for rTMS again, something that would take the sharp edges and the extremes off but all the meds I`m finding are going to make me fat, stupid, or hyperglycemic. We`re talking about a girl who is too exhausted and too sad to boil a potato, so my steady diet of food I can eat in my room without preparation, (i.e. cookies and dried mangoes) is not going to mix well with a drug that is going to raise my blood sugar.

Then there's the simple matter of getting to my doctor. Apart from my fear of speaking on the phone, I'm not optimistic that I would get an appointment within a reasonable timeframe for figuring out the lamictal/seroquel mess, so I think I'll have to work that one out on my own. I don't know how to get myself down there without turning into a mess. I almost cried because Oreos now come with this impenetrable plastic seal I couldn't open.

Truth me told, I'm doing pretty badly. My treatment options seem to be dwindling, especially without access to my doctor. There's zero chance I'm partaking in adult mental health programs. I may think I'm a waste of OHIP and oxygen but I have enough self-respect not to submit myself to that. It looks like this to me: find something that will work in outpatient or die. Now, or later.

Fighting the Relapse Beast

Part of why it's so difficult for me when people say that I'll get better and I'll be so close to remission again is because I was so close. I was about to rock a college certificate, I had proved to myself that I was ready for university, but it all came crashing down two weeks before I would have finished that achievement. It just makes me think that there's no point to moving forward from this because I'll have another relapse and become completely capable of anything again. And when that's over, I'll have to start all over again.

Life isn't linear, it's not like once you've failed college you can't go back and try, but it does go on despite whatever is happening in your life. I can work so hard and not really get significantly better and time is going to keep on passing. I'm never going to catch up to my age mates in the rat race and that's something I think I'll feel badly about for a long time. They have had so many different experiences while I am having a completely different one that really gets me nowhere in the calculation of success. I haven't completed any level of education past grade 10, I haven't lived away from home, I haven't dated, all because of this damn illness that's going to dog me forever. There is no cure for depression. I can deal, I deal with my anxieties and my OCD, but to be completely honest that's not the life I want. I don't want to deal, I don't want to be afraid that the next week somethings going to conk out and my life is going to grind to a halt again for reasons that I can't really explain. This summer everything stopped because I was exhausted, and that led to a million other things. Next time maybe it'll be the anxiety which will lead to the other things. The uncertainty of not knowing when or if a relapse is going to strike bothers me quite a bit.

My urgency to find something now is because I know with my history it's most likely that I'll have more relapses throughout my life. I've been so close to the edge this time that if I were to get that close again I don't think I would have the strength to fight it, and with that experiences I`ve gathered of the adult mental health system there are strong barriers to seeking help for it. You don't know...even when you've experienced it, once you're healthy and you're part of the world again you always think it's not going to be that bad. Next time you'll be stronger because you have the perspective of having been healthy. It doesn't work like that. Once it's back, you're in it. It's all consuming, overwhelming, there is no thought that doesn't lead back to it. If I don't find something that will work now and in the future, I'll die because that's just how strong my episodes are. I truly don`t know if I can face more jagged edges like that and come back from it. It`s taken a lot to be at a place where I want to come back. Even now I`m extremely hesitant, I can`t see a future for me that I want to live through.

Sew What's Next? (Hahaha!)

I know you love puns.


A few weeks ago I finished the Alexander blouse and found it rather appealing. Although it was a challenging, finicky pattern for me I think I managed to pull it off. (It's currently in the wash, or I'd post a picture for y'all.) I also finished off a few quick alterations- a hem here, a button there, re-fasten some chain, etc.

My cousin is getting married in a few weeks and my sewing projects of late, (plus the fee of the only seamstress we know) has prompted my mom to commission me to alter her ball gown. I made little paper doll of her and some paper dresses and she chose a design! I'm very, very afraid and I suspect there will be not a little hand-sewing which I have to admit I detest. Although embroidery I don't mind, for some reason.

After that, my crafty life plan slows to a crawl. What shall I sew next? I have so many patterns and books that part of the difficulty is just picking one thing. So, despite the relapse, the weird lung virus, the deferred exams I'll be writing, the full-time online course load, the therapy homework, and the high school diploma I hope to PLAR, I need a new challenge. Scissors, at the ready!

Beware the Allergen!

TUESDAY, APRIL 6th:

24 30h
Looking at Easter pictures with my dad. Laughed so hard I started coughing and couldn't stop.

24 40h
Realized I wasn't coughing from laughter, I was coughing because my throat was itchy and beginning to swell. Can't find "my effin' epipen!"

24 45h
Family zooms out of house.

24 50h
Arrive at Scarborough Grace Hospital. Immediately put on oxygen and IV fluids.
Doctor orders: 0.3 epinephrine IM
Respiratory Tech orders: Ventolin breathing treatment, nebs

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7:
00 00h
The Ventolin tastes weird. The only things I ate was some bread that I get from the same place, every week, and Pepsi. So what caused this reaction? And where the EFF was my epipen?! I need to go to the washroom really, really badly. Discover that I'm less stable on my feet than I thought.

My mom helps me down the hallway and then I see a dead body, all wrapped up. We have a hissing argument about whether or not it's dead before I go in the washroom. When I emerge, and we're walking back, she sees it and tells me it freaks her out. She's the one with all the ghost stories!

00 30h
RT and MD listen to my lungs. Still wheezy, although I feel almost completely normal. Another breathing treatment, another half hour.

01 00h
Doctor sends my mom and dad out to buy an epipen from the closest 24h pharmacy. He tells me to rest, because the epi and the 2 Ventolin treatments caused my heart rate to go up. I fall into a fitful sleep, which is partially made better by the nurse in the yellow scrub top.

03 30h
Free! My O2 and heart rate are at normal levels. I'm exhausted from the reaction itself, but the epi gave me a lot of nervous energy. When I get home, I hold onto the kitchen counter and jump up and down to release some of it. Doesn't work. It's a really strange feeling- full of energy and completely exhausted at the same time.

All throughout Wednesday my throat hurt, probably from coughing so hard to get some air in. I didn't eat until the evening because I was so frightened- I still don't know what caused the reaction, so how can I eat anything?! It's out there- lurking- Beware The Allergen.