Double Post - Standing on my Own

The gang in our house, surrounded by burning lava.

The retreat was great fun. Once we got away from that room and outside, it was amazing. Rock climbing? Sure! What fear of heights? Low ropes? Awesome! What horrible balance? It felt so amazing to be holding each other up, (often literally) and working together. Which sounds like a terrible cliché , but it's really quite true. We were a TEAM! And damn, we're really good at posing for group pictures now.

The bonfire was so...together-ness. I sang and told a horrible story that I interjected with Filipino history and my own theories on why there are so many of us. (Which includes hormones, no condoms, and Catholicism.) Still, it felt so good to bring together all these people I was intimidated by/not close to/never seen before.

But, [*insert ominous music here] we had a mass the next day. I've been sitting out on masses and liturgies for a while now, and I asked Candiotto if I could continue to do so. He said it was okay by him, but that there were five other teachers to worry about. Point taken.

So I sat my chair out at the back of the room and proceeded to write in my journal. Other teachers looked at me oddly...but I wasn't bothering anyone! And I was sitting at the back...so I continued hoping no one would approach me. But of course, Ireland did. I don't want to recount the whole story, but basically...she kept asking me why I couldn't just listen, even though I made it clear that my reasons were personal. I know I received zero training at Griffin, (except like, CPI stuff) but even I know that when someone tells you that what you're asking is private, you stopped. People will well developed social skills know that. Ahem. Anyways, eventually she backed off, and I was angry for a bit. Not that she asked, I had actually expected more teachers to challenge me, but that she crossed my boundaries. (Elijah, if you ever read this, know that I use that word with the utmost resignation.) But by the time I got to the 'lorspital, I was pretty proud of myself! I stood up for my beliefs, and I did it quietly and without being offensive. I feel good about that.

*I would suggest Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, 1st Movement. And then listen to the 3rd movement because it's that fantastic. And then listen to Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto #3, 3rd movement. Hey, that's a note for Bas too, Marjolein.

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Birds eye view of my cousins wedding reception.

I didn't want to use a picture of my immediate family, (mom-dad-brother-lolo-lola-titojoe-tina-bunny-puppy-brownie) because that's just a little too direct. I finally told my dad how angry and sad I was that they abandoned me after I was diagnosed. The rest was pretty much an elaboration of that. I know it must have hurt him terrible to hear that...but it hurt terribly to know that I was doing all that alone. It still hurts. I concluded by saying that I didn't want my parents involved in my mental health anymore. No more intruding on my sessions against my wishes, no more awkward questions about how things are doing, no more "helpful advice." I'd like very much to stop hearing them say, "you just have to fight it! That's what I did!"

You fought nothing like this. Your battles were completely different from mine, they were difficult and valid but completely different.

I am glad for my Lolo and Lola. If I didn't have them...I'd be pretty alone in my family. I didn't expect them to understand so fully, to accept and support me...I didn't expect them to just shrug when they realized I'm gay...it just wasn't synonymous with the feelings of their time. And yet...they love me anyways. They never stopped supporting me when I became taboo.

Didn't they know?

I'm still looking for a picture of myself in grade 8 or 9 for the retreat tomorrow. In doing so, I found a lot of pictures from when I was younger.

There I am! Mortified and unable to fake a smile at my 5th birthday in JK, because I was so terrified of all the attention.
There I am! At my 7th birthday party clutching Barney close while I tried not to cry. Oh...maybe the next one will be better.
There I am! At Petticoat Creek...sitting on the grass because my cousins wouldn't let me sit on the blanket. Huh.
There I am! In Florida, staring up at my brother and cousin who are waving from the balcony they wouldn't let me go near.
There...at my 8th birthday party completely miserable because my cousins were ignoring me.
And there...at my brother's graduation, attempting to smile for the camera but really just wanting to be in that big Cousins photo that no one would let me into.
There...in late in grade 8, smiling at waving at the camera Nigel was wielding. I remember that well because I was trying very hard to smile and to keep my sleeve up over my wrist.

I know that I was the cute baby for a bit, but then I became the annoying kid to my teenage cousins. I recognize that as they were my teenage cousins, they were only able to think of things in relation to themselves, as well as being deeply invested in being the popular kids. But...honestly...didn't ANY of them think about how that made me feel?

Did any of them realize that when I was grade 4, (I was nine) I promised myself that once I was in high school I would sever any ties with the cousins? I planned to go out with my friends, or even just pretend that I needed to study. The arrival of my nieces and nephews changed that, but at the time I was simply waiting until I was free of my obligation to the family.

Did anybody think that the first time I thought about killing myself was when I was eight years old, and deathly lonely? In one of my old diaries it even lists methods and what I thought of them.

I HATED them! I hated my cousins so much that I would shake with anger when I thought about them. I cried so many times, blaming myself for having been born too late. When I was looking at those photos, I wished I could do that to them somehow. But I know! I know how hard it is to be ignored! I know the fear and the anxiety and the sadness and the loneliness that make you so desperate that you will try to take your own life! I'll be honest, I've had a lot of experience that maybe, my cousins didn't have. My own diagnosis and treatment, my friends, even my job during this summer all have changed me. If I were to treat my nieces and nephews, (having about the same age difference as my cousins and I) like I had been treated, I know it would hurt. Anyways, I can't do that, they're mine! They're precious and I love them and I'll be on the lookout for them, always. I'll teach them to stand-up to bullies, to tell fireants from the ones you can play with, to treat other kids well even though they won't share, and that if they feel alone, I'll be there for them.

All in all, I'm quite glad that's in the past. Even with more than a decade having passed since I started feeling like an outcast, I still remember clearly how awful I felt. I still feel awful, but at least now I have great friends, and (gosh this is so counsellor-y) a solid support system. I had great friends then too, but I wasn't ready to tell them shit like that. I almost love my cousins now. I've grown up a lot, and so have they. Just because I'm the same age they were and I don't act like my little cousins are pieces of shit doesn't....(*breathe) I almost love my cousins now. Almost. Hey, at least I'm in the picture now.

PS: I'll be gone tomorrow, at the retreat hopefully. I'm shaking for quite a different reason now...I don't really want to be at that retreat as I am. And once I'm there...I can't just go home to my bed and sleep it off, nor can I just leave and find someone who can help me. I did pay $40 for it...and the bus seating and rooms will get messed up. I will try to be brave enough to go. Maybe while I'm there my body will finally acclimatize to the new med? Or maybe being out there is what I need. Gosh, I'm scared.
PPS: Marjolein, are you there?

AD se's & Marjolein

Most of you know, (since pretty much only five people read this blog) that I'm switching meds right now. I've been on citalopram, escitalopram, and now I'm going on sertraline. (I'm using the umm...confusing names, because the name a medication is marketed under differs by countries. For example, escitalopram is Cipralex in Canada, and Lexapro in the US.) Whenever I was switching from other meds I'd get like...dry mouth. And since last November I've been really, really sleepy. But now! Now! My God! I slept 26 hours on Monday. My legs feel shaky...I'm afraid to go into stores again...still having panic attacks a lot...everything is TOO LOUD...and I'm so goddamn sad.

And my parents don't realize that... they still think I'm just sleeping through the day because I'm lazy or stayed up too late at night. I missed a lot of school this week, and believe me, I'd RATHER be at school! I guess because all the other times I switched meds, they were involved with that. When I started on the citalopram, they even came up to the clinic. With the escitalopram I had to go to the other clinic, and the rescheduled my appointment once so they knew about that...but this time, I went to...nevermind. I went to my doctor, then my family doctor, then the lab for blood tests and an ECG, then back to my doctor, then to the pharmacy where my mom got mad because it took so long to fill the prescription. Yea, and that's totally my fault.

So...I'm feeling pretty miserable. And then there's the Gr12 Retreat on Mon-Tues, and I want to get that experience but not now! Not while I'm...feeling like this...anyways, I'm not really into the whole forced group prayer thing. Especially when it's Catholic.

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Marjolein! Where have you BEEN!? Your blog is gone, and I lost all my favourites when I switched computers, and I missed you! I'm watching Imagine Me & You on YouTube and then I shall watch Spider Lilies and both I think you might...."appreciate." (I'm giggling in my head.) Well, do keep messaging me! I long for our old companionship.

The Best of "Overheard"

I found these great sites with stuff people overhear. Here are some of my favourites....


Office girl in stall: Fuck this! Fuck you, uterus! I'll kick your ass!

Phone room worker to respondent: Hi, I'm calling from XYZ Research*, and we're doing a survey on Canadian politics. May I speak with a male who's 18 or older? ... Well, are you a male? A male. A male is a man... Do you have a penis? A penis? It's the male genitalia... Great. First, what province do you live in?


Coworker: Hey, how was your weekend?
Intern: Great! It's stopped itching and-- [Coworker walks away.]


Sales guy to another: Hey, have you ever tried that green fairy stuff? You know, abstinence?

Employee on phone: G as in 'Jesus.'

CSR: I always put '25' when it's supposed to be '52.' I must be anorexic.

Librarian: Your card is locked because there appears to be ketchup or chocolate milk all over this book you returned. You have to pay for a replacement.
Patron: It's vomit. I don't do chocolate milk.
Librarian: You still have to pay.

Wailing lady peon: Nooo! I have three boobs!

Office girl #1: Is it raining out?
Office girl #2: No way, it's sunny! Unless it a sun shower.
Office girl #1: A sun shower is not physically possible.
Office girl #2: Ummm, you've never seen it rain while the sun's out?
Office girl #1: Oh, I thought you meant literally, like giant balls of fire falling from the sky...

Weird coworker: I had a nightmare, too! I was standing in a pool eating taquitos, except they were filled with cream cheese and fruit!

Intern: My uterus is dry-heaving.
Supervisor: Wow.

Female phlebotomist to male patient: I hope this is a size 25 needle. [Sticks him] Oh, no! This is a size 22 needle -- it's too small. Blood is rushing into the vein, see? It's blowing up. I'm blowing you! ... Oh my god, I don't mean that!

Ancient lesbian waitress: You ever tried to buy dental dams at three A.M. in the Bible belt?
Wide-eyed teen bus boy: Uh... I have sooo many questions about what you just said...

CEO: We don't want to get sued because someone has a ridiculously large head.

Manager: Your boyfriend looks like a terrorist.
Peon, farting: My butthole is the terrorist in this office.

Worker bee: Oh my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna pee on the carpet! I got the e-mail about that 11-thousand-dollar deal! [Stands up up and lifts leg] Psss... Psss... Look at me! I'm the cat! I'm peeing on the carpet!

Shocked security guard: You gave it to me?! You gave me the cooties!


Check it out for yourself!
http://www.overheardeverywhere.com/