Double Post - Standing on my Own

The gang in our house, surrounded by burning lava.

The retreat was great fun. Once we got away from that room and outside, it was amazing. Rock climbing? Sure! What fear of heights? Low ropes? Awesome! What horrible balance? It felt so amazing to be holding each other up, (often literally) and working together. Which sounds like a terrible cliché , but it's really quite true. We were a TEAM! And damn, we're really good at posing for group pictures now.

The bonfire was so...together-ness. I sang and told a horrible story that I interjected with Filipino history and my own theories on why there are so many of us. (Which includes hormones, no condoms, and Catholicism.) Still, it felt so good to bring together all these people I was intimidated by/not close to/never seen before.

But, [*insert ominous music here] we had a mass the next day. I've been sitting out on masses and liturgies for a while now, and I asked Candiotto if I could continue to do so. He said it was okay by him, but that there were five other teachers to worry about. Point taken.

So I sat my chair out at the back of the room and proceeded to write in my journal. Other teachers looked at me oddly...but I wasn't bothering anyone! And I was sitting at the back...so I continued hoping no one would approach me. But of course, Ireland did. I don't want to recount the whole story, but basically...she kept asking me why I couldn't just listen, even though I made it clear that my reasons were personal. I know I received zero training at Griffin, (except like, CPI stuff) but even I know that when someone tells you that what you're asking is private, you stopped. People will well developed social skills know that. Ahem. Anyways, eventually she backed off, and I was angry for a bit. Not that she asked, I had actually expected more teachers to challenge me, but that she crossed my boundaries. (Elijah, if you ever read this, know that I use that word with the utmost resignation.) But by the time I got to the 'lorspital, I was pretty proud of myself! I stood up for my beliefs, and I did it quietly and without being offensive. I feel good about that.

*I would suggest Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, 1st Movement. And then listen to the 3rd movement because it's that fantastic. And then listen to Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto #3, 3rd movement. Hey, that's a note for Bas too, Marjolein.

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Birds eye view of my cousins wedding reception.

I didn't want to use a picture of my immediate family, (mom-dad-brother-lolo-lola-titojoe-tina-bunny-puppy-brownie) because that's just a little too direct. I finally told my dad how angry and sad I was that they abandoned me after I was diagnosed. The rest was pretty much an elaboration of that. I know it must have hurt him terrible to hear that...but it hurt terribly to know that I was doing all that alone. It still hurts. I concluded by saying that I didn't want my parents involved in my mental health anymore. No more intruding on my sessions against my wishes, no more awkward questions about how things are doing, no more "helpful advice." I'd like very much to stop hearing them say, "you just have to fight it! That's what I did!"

You fought nothing like this. Your battles were completely different from mine, they were difficult and valid but completely different.

I am glad for my Lolo and Lola. If I didn't have them...I'd be pretty alone in my family. I didn't expect them to understand so fully, to accept and support me...I didn't expect them to just shrug when they realized I'm gay...it just wasn't synonymous with the feelings of their time. And yet...they love me anyways. They never stopped supporting me when I became taboo.