Vlog Number Seven

Our Sins

I'm no longer going to Church. I do not feel that I can practise my faith in a community where women are not equal to men, where mental illness is percieved as a result of sin, where men attack boys in opposition to their vows of chastity. Of their vow to live as holy people. Not only that, but the core of Catholocism does not run freely in my heart. I believe Jesus was a wise man, but not the son of God. I believe God will protect us each in our own ways, in His way.

"Your homework is to learn to express yourself." Well, I'm expressing myself all right. I've been more pissed than ever- sometimes I'm just angry for no reason. But make no mistake- if I'm pissed at YOU, I'm pissed for a reason. Don't disregard it. I'm kind of glad I didn't have cognitive this week...Dr G has just unearthed the frustrating part of Treating Kat, and I don't think it would be have been the most fun session ever. Granted, they're hardly supposed to be fun... I wonder how the re-evaluation will turn out. Heh.

I'm so glad for my friends. You guys have been there for me in ways no one else has. It's so hard...I think go9.5 is the most dysfunctional group of people I've ever met, and yet we all try so hard to work out our own problems, as well as help each other. We are each other support systems. Except for chocolate and my Lolo and Lola, there is nothing I wouldn't give up to keep you guys. But if it came up to you vs. my Lolo and Lola, you know what my choice would be. I feel like you guys are my family, my sisters and brother, my soul.

Sometimes I'm so afraid it'll never end. Does the misery stop? Will a magic pill help me work again? I'm so desperate for it to stop. Do you know what it's like to only wish for death while trying to finish a unit? Or how difficult it is to breathe when I'm just thinking- just thinking, and my body seizes in fear. I can't stop it! There is nothing I want more than to be able to work. To be a useful part of my family and society. Don't you see that?

To Polygamist 1 or 2,
You are my sister in all the ways I can think of. If friends don't last forever, then let us be family and never leave each other behind. Ok?

Vlog Number Six and a PSA

Vlog Number Six


PSA

Strike

I, Aeriana Eve am on a strike.

I refuse to follow the plan.
I refuse to read the Steps to Success.
I refuse to put away my favourite pair of blue.
I refuse to continue doing things that that will hurt you.
I refuse to do things that will turn out better for me, and worse for you.
I refuse to turn away from God, but rather to continue putting my faith in Him.
I refuse to feel guilty about what I've done, but instead about how it affected you.
I refuse to go to church and worship a man I believe was wise, but not the son of God.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I really am.

Vlog Number Five

Vlog Number Four

Vlog Number Three

It's way more fun to video blog. So I'm going to vlog again, for the second day in a row.

Vlog Number Two

Vlog Number One

I will type no more. Until I get bored of vlogging. In which case, I will blog.

this heart of mine

PUZZLECADABRA.

I believe that's the word.
The magical word that'll fix everything.
Fix my brain,
Fix my faith,
Fix my heart.

It seems to be broken.
I can feel it beating in my stomach, that's not where it should be.
So I'll keep my hand there, to monitor it's beat.
To hope it doesn't crack again.

It hurts sometimes, this beating in my stomach.
There's beating in my head,
And I can't seem to make it stop.

Stop.

Go.

PUZZLECADABRA!!!!

rocketGIRL

Lost. Our souls, intertwined and ripped apart. By mine own hand I hath called the omniscent gardener to our hearts and pruned away the hold. Our pain, it bleeds by the stems, it drips from the heart of each flower.

I am a rocket girl. I fly around with no where to go but up and come zooming down as soon as it hit the atmosphere. Toss me high, let me fly, but make sure to catch me when I fall. You are my crash landing.

Don't let me go. Don't let go!

Stay with me on our journey. Don't let go when we're torn by the pain, destroyed and lost beyond finding even ourselves. Don't let me drown and I'll try to hold your head up high. We'll fly and dive and soar through this together, and be stronger in the end. It will come, just don't let go! Don't let me go, I'll hold you tight.

carryover is KILLING me

You know what they all say!!! If you want to ruin your school year, take carryover. And that's what I've done. It's complete hell I can't believe I'm doing gr10 and gr11 stuff at the same time. And while I'm trying to focus on my carryover courses so I can get them over with, I've still got the idea of chem and bio looming over my head. Not to mention my OTHER six courses.

The problem is, I STILL can't concentrate. It's like there are evil monkeys in my head pulling wires and ripping up neuron's. STOP DOING THAT!!! STOP!!! Goddamn monkeys...

So it's not only my work that's carried over, but the shit emotional state I was in last year, PLUS the whole September Rush thing! I've NEVER heard of September Rush but they should really tell people about that mentality when you do carryover. I didn't have a choice. It was carryover, or do gr10 math again this school year. I'd still take the carryover, even if it's driving me nuts.

Doing gr10 math would drive me even more nuts and then I'd just be so nutty that I'd get an anaphylactic reaction to myself. Augh!! AUGH!!! Why am I myself I'm getting HIVES...*cough*Cough*get me an epipen....

So I'm just saying. If you see me, and I look like there's a rabid racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies, it's because there's a rabic racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies.

God I hate school....even if I was starting off without carryover, I'd hate it still. Gr11 IS the hardest year.

-Racoon Girl, signing out.

sewing machine love

Video post linkage: http://aerianaeve.blogspot.com/2006/08/former-video-post.html
Ze links, zey chang-ed when ze post wez edited. Ay am so sowry. Really, I am.

I am about to ditch the "Tiny-Kat-Wears-Sack" to school look for one that favours...a stitch ripper. I just did my 3/4 sleeve dress shirt, although I did sew a sleeve on inside-out...however, it's a huge improvement otherwise. And I'm done pinning my kilt and golf shirt, all will be done tomorrow. I'm not sure about the other dress shirt, I might need an ugly one just in case. (*cough)lazy(*cough) Maybe later.

Pictures to post later, as well as my last two projects. (The inverted dress-shirt-jacket and the skirt.) I really just don't want people to think I'm a niner this year.

PS: I will bring back the BONK from it's elementary school grave if you guys don't start RSVP-ing for the picnic. And if those RSVP's don't read yes, contact me!!! I'll figure it out!!! The picnic and the Closing GO12 Dinner are the most important events (out of sixteen) that we've placed on the go12 calendar for August.

PPS: You want to know what the bonk is? Just ask the guys I made cry with it.

nighttime batting cages

-My brother taking on that evil machine.

Annual brother-sister outing to the cages, as always I decided to attack the....slowpitch softball. Whatever, that's what I can do, I'm happy with that. Tim's, (remember Tim POP-ers?) older brother took on Very Fast Baseball and actually made contact a few times. It was pretty awesome.

And it was fun because... I don't know. I was happy. Content, pleased just to sit and watch or whack a round. Without that hollow feeling that usually comes along with it...it was nice. It was really nice. Can you fault that? It's special enough to write about.

PS: If any of you are looking for pictures from events that I might have, feel free to request that I send them. I'm sending out all the pictures of the kids to my cousins now, that applies to my friends as well.

Bushisms

Picture from: http://www.citynoise.org/author/Jamie
We all have a curious affinity for Bush and the new ways he finds to screw up everyday. Inspired by a post on citynoise, I've collected a series of "Bushisms." Looks like it's back to the political humour.

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
And even as students in his No Child Left Behind program are reading about tides and idioms and all this wonderful grammatical stuff, the president of the United States of America is unable to see the difference between a figurative tide and a literal one. Let's hope he knows how to swim.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006
You see, Bush makes total sense here, because he does most of his work while sitting on his ass and watching his country go up in flames.

Wow! Brazil is big." --George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
I'm surprised he knows how to read a map. I'm sorry, I'm really lame today. I should go sleep again.

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." --George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005
And you need more better grammar. How the hell did you get into office? Twice?

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
America, you have voted yourselves into good hands. Good, strong, sm--oh my god he's so stupid...

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
and then
"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." —Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"I'm the master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
Yea I can see that hun. So can the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel sorry he's so stupid...

"Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
I don't know if this is funny or just ignorant. The idiot.

Yea I'm just going to stop. It's funny when I read it!! Nevermind nevermind...I'm gonna go look for candy...

the former video post

If you're looking for the video, it's not here. That's because I tried to embed it again and then I had to fix the html cuz it was screwing with my template and I was wayyyy too lazy to mess with that. Even though it's just changing the width...ugh...fine...I'll be right back. Wait a bit more...I'm streaming edge listen live...



Ok. There's your video. Comments please? Personally, I think Big Bunny is the real star of the show. I mean, her dialogue is awesome. Considering we just dubbed over the video after it was filmed. Anyways, watch out for the bum shot.

---

My goal is to NOT spend this summer inside. That only results in bad brain waves. Like how it's been for the last little while. I don't know, things are getting almost - normal. Is that bad? That something like this is normal? My home-away-from-home-away-from-home-away-from-home is-- secrecy. I like hiding. I can fit into corners really well. That explains the curtains around my bed, huh? It's my inner turtle. (Which we didn't end up getting for Candi and April's wedding- the everlasting turtle was $450 over our budget.) I wish that tree was our property. The city came and cut off my climbing branches. It was great for just sitting and...being thoughtless.

To be honest, I'm sick of hiding. I want to burst out of my sheer cucoon, I want to slash it to bits, I want it to end. I know you hear me, SM&kd. Will it? I...I'm not being very eloquent today. But I got another non-skippy pen to replace the last one and now I can write again. I swear I won't drop this one, or I'll never write. (Until I bus back to staples...)

I want to see my nieces and nephews again. If you check in the comments link, you'll find them all. I couldn't stick them here because they messed with the tables and they don't have a width tag.

my fear

i don't know you. i might try. but i'm really merely putting myself into your picture, and not looking at anything at all. my corner of the universe is just a bit upside-down.

insight...

...And I realized, lying in bed early one morning waiting to go to sleep, how many times in the spaces between my voices that Kat - Normal Kat - had whispered, "I want to go home." With a touch of heartbreak I knew that although I had a house to live in, I couldn't call anywhere home until I'd found a home in myself. And I had a long way to go before I was at rest in my own body, and a mind that had turned against me. For how could anyone be comfortable while waging a war that was destroying themselves, whlie knowing that only utter destruction could bring a wholeness into their heart? A cruel irony, senseless in it's berevity, and one I swear to carry through.

Thought, (and you may see I'm long-winded in my pen) I doubt my strength to finish with this war. Is it possible for a mere girl to bring her own hand and mind to collapse upon itself in order to rebuild? For who could bring themselves to the brink of death by thier own will? Surely not I, courage runs through others' weins but mine own are void of it. I cower, choosing instead to hide within sleep. (And where is she? I cannot fall to rest.)

Hiding seems to be my forte, a skill I've honed with endless fear. And even now the demon stalks me, striking when the voices reach their height and I retreat, stranded in the wildfire of their words. I know the power of words as well as their shortcomings. Words become feeble as a physicle weapon, yet sharp in their own right.

Alas my nightly writings beg to cease, so I drop my pen in search of Lady Sleep.

-Thursday July 27th 2006
a midnight story
hammer on my writers block
imperfect (!) as it is
a night cap, perhaps?

FUCKING ASSHOLES

1:58 pm: SOMEONE CALLS ASKING FOR BEN'S CAKE. AFTER REPEATING THE QUESTION FOUR TIMES, THEY FINALLY ANSWER, OH, OH OHKAY.
1:59 pm: SOMEONE ELSE, ASKING FOR THE SAME CAKE, ASKS THE SAME QUESTION, AND HANGS UP BEFORE I CAN TELL THEM IT'S NOT FUCKING READY, JACKASS!!!!!

IF YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WERE GOING TO PICK UP THE BLOODY CAKE AT THREE, PICK UP THE BLOODY CAKE AT THREE!!!!! DON'T CALL MY HOUSE TWICE, EXPECTING ME TO MAGICALLY SWITCH AROUND THE DAY SO MY MOM IS HOME AND FUCKING HAVE YOUR GODDAMN STUFF READY FOR YOU AN HOUR BEFORE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! RUDE!!!!!

and YOU!! YOU BITCH!!%#@ I GAVE YOU THE RIGHT CHANGE, AND YOU'RE STANDING THERE COUNTING IT OUT, (it was a five, and two toonies) THINKING I RIPPED YOU OFF WHEN YOU'RE GETTING THE GODDAMN DISCOUNT SHIT AND THEN WHEN YOU REALIZE I'M RIGHT, YOU GRAB THE FUCKING SHIT AND WALK AWAY!!!!!! BITCH!!!!

I'M NOT A GODDAMN SECRETARY HERE!!!!

AND HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO FUCKING TAKE YOU TO REALIZE THAT M=P AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. YOU WANT TO LIVE A FUCKING DAY IN MY LIFE THEN GO AHEAD AND MAYBE YOU'LL REALIZE I CAN'T GODDAMN CONTROL THE SHIT IN MY HEAD AND YOU CAN FINALLY GET AFTER TWO FUCKING LONG YEARS THAT THIS IS NOT MY GODDAMN FUCKING FAULT!!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING GET THIS SHIT IN YOUR HEAD!?!?!?!

AND YOU!!!! ARE YOU ALL SO BLIND THAT YOU CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THAT YOU'RE MAKING MY FRIENDS LIVES HELL!?!?! JACKASS'!!!! I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT.

FUCK OFF BITCHES!!!!!!

AURGRGHUIHHHHHH
HHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

try as you might

you don't get it.