I got it. I was half sitting-lying on the couch, trying to get into a comfortable position without getting my nose all stuffed up again, when I realized I'm acting a lot like Nayah when I saw her last week. And I saw her at Dr. Moss/Mark's office, and she had a fever and everything....
I caught this sickness from my three-year-old niece. Is this the level my immune system is at??? I've been sick almost constantly for two years, but I've never caught an illness from my babies. I have a 14 year advantage on building up my immune system and Christ, instead of her catching it from me it's vice versa. Now I'm going to attempt to lie down. God!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Kat's Translation of Bebot - Version 2
| Original | Kat’s Mangled Translation |
| Bebot bebot bet | Girl girl gi- |
"Bebot" really translates to something more like "sexy girl" or "hot girl," but that would be really confusing.
I have no idea what he's saying half the time so most of it is just made up shit.
In Generation Two, the mom is really really loud. And she keeps calling Taboo Tabo- a small plastic bucket used to hold water so you can wash yourself after you pee. Seriously. I`m not joking about that.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Tired, Again
I should mention first that I cry quite rarely when I'm have a panic attack, and mostly because its' so goddamn frustrating to have them.
I went to see my family doctor today, and then I went to get my blood test and ECG. He said he wanted to see me next week, and well...*sigh* My first thought was, "Like I don't see enough doctors anyways."
But my feelings change on that often. Sometimes I wish I could see someone more often, when I'm having a really bad time of it. Sometimes I wish I would see them less. Always, I know that I still need them. I know that so many people don't have all the help that I do, and that they may need it more.
Let's be honest though, eventually, you get tired of doctors. Doctors with their Alphabits cereal letters after their names - MD, Ph.D, MSW, CCFP, MC, all that stuff. As much as I like that I get out of school, I'd like to be able to stay at school everyday for an entire week. (Even though we all know I'd just skip a day to work from home.) Just having that option would be nice.
Please that don't read this and think that I'm ungrateful for all the help that I've got, I just want to have a normal life once in a while! I met Dr. G and now know that I want to be like her when I get older, but because I've had to have met her I know that's a longshot. Okay, let me try to rephrase that, it didn't make any sense.
I met Dr. G because of my mental health issues. After meeting her, I knew that I wanted to like her when I grew up. But because of these same issues, I know that being a doctor is so...nearly impossible. But if I never had to meet her, if I never had these issues, that would still be possible for me. I used to be a straight A student, I actually processed what I was reading the first few times around, I studied hard but had a life too, I had so much!!! I really, really want that back.
I really should stop, I'm starting to feel the panic coming. But god! I want that so badly! I want to be a doctor, but I also just want my academic life to go back to how it used to be. I never dreamed that I would be taking a fifth year, or failing courses, or struggling so damn much when I started high school. Everyone's going to university next year! All my friends except Christine are leaving! Valerie is heading for life sci, and hopefully medical school. Michelle is headed somewhere, and hopefully that island in that country that was on that show to dig up those things! Vanessa is heading for something that requires measuring, and hopefully something else that requires measuring! Everyone is going on, reachin' for their dreams, and they all have a chance for it. Dr. Val isn't such a stretch in my imagination. Dr. Kat, as much as I joke about her, she's as fictional as my alter-ego's get.
Now I'm going to do my evening yoga, and ask my dad if I can borrow his Metropass while I go hunt for a copy of the September 25th Advocate tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! THE NEW ISSUE IS OUT!! I swear, if I can't find it tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue no matter how much it costs. (*Thinks.) I swear, if I can't find the September issue tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue if it costs me less than what's remaining in my bank account after I buy my Curve subscription. Good night.
I went to see my family doctor today, and then I went to get my blood test and ECG. He said he wanted to see me next week, and well...*sigh* My first thought was, "Like I don't see enough doctors anyways."
But my feelings change on that often. Sometimes I wish I could see someone more often, when I'm having a really bad time of it. Sometimes I wish I would see them less. Always, I know that I still need them. I know that so many people don't have all the help that I do, and that they may need it more.
Let's be honest though, eventually, you get tired of doctors. Doctors with their Alphabits cereal letters after their names - MD, Ph.D, MSW, CCFP, MC, all that stuff. As much as I like that I get out of school, I'd like to be able to stay at school everyday for an entire week. (Even though we all know I'd just skip a day to work from home.) Just having that option would be nice.
Please that don't read this and think that I'm ungrateful for all the help that I've got, I just want to have a normal life once in a while! I met Dr. G and now know that I want to be like her when I get older, but because I've had to have met her I know that's a longshot. Okay, let me try to rephrase that, it didn't make any sense.
I met Dr. G because of my mental health issues. After meeting her, I knew that I wanted to like her when I grew up. But because of these same issues, I know that being a doctor is so...nearly impossible. But if I never had to meet her, if I never had these issues, that would still be possible for me. I used to be a straight A student, I actually processed what I was reading the first few times around, I studied hard but had a life too, I had so much!!! I really, really want that back.
I really should stop, I'm starting to feel the panic coming. But god! I want that so badly! I want to be a doctor, but I also just want my academic life to go back to how it used to be. I never dreamed that I would be taking a fifth year, or failing courses, or struggling so damn much when I started high school. Everyone's going to university next year! All my friends except Christine are leaving! Valerie is heading for life sci, and hopefully medical school. Michelle is headed somewhere, and hopefully that island in that country that was on that show to dig up those things! Vanessa is heading for something that requires measuring, and hopefully something else that requires measuring! Everyone is going on, reachin' for their dreams, and they all have a chance for it. Dr. Val isn't such a stretch in my imagination. Dr. Kat, as much as I joke about her, she's as fictional as my alter-ego's get.
Now I'm going to do my evening yoga, and ask my dad if I can borrow his Metropass while I go hunt for a copy of the September 25th Advocate tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! THE NEW ISSUE IS OUT!! I swear, if I can't find it tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue no matter how much it costs. (*Thinks.) I swear, if I can't find the September issue tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue if it costs me less than what's remaining in my bank account after I buy my Curve subscription. Good night.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Inside a Panic Attack
I want to write this down before I fall asleep. I was really hesitant to post this, originally I was typing in a word document to save so I could remember. But I want you guys to know and recognize the signs of a panic attack, and start to get a feel for what it's like. I'm going to do point form for now, perhaps I'll come back to it later.
OKAY! The number one thing not listed? PANIC! I also get frustrated. You may not feel there is a reason for you to be panicking, but you are. Too late! Sometimes it can appear out of nowhere. I've had panic attacks after sitting quietly, focused on my units. I`ll be write-write-writing and then suddenly there it is! Or maybe you can find a reason. Either way, you`re having a panic attack. Knowing what can trigger them is important, because then you can try to prevent them. (Note: not by avoiding your trigger, but by slowly practicing until it doesn't have as much of an effect on you.)
BREATHE DEEPLY AND SLOWLY. This can be so, so difficult when you're already hyperventilating. I tried this time, but it didn't work out for me. Another technique is to focus on an object and describe it in detail to yourself. They're both hard things to do, but they work when you can do it. If you're with someone having a panic attack, walk them through these exercises gently and slowly.
The Aftermath. I usually feel really tired after a panic attack, and just a little bit stupid and embarrassed. Although if it happens in a public place, like on the bus or at school I'll try my best to move on. I don't know if that's the best thing to do or not, but that's what I know for now.
I'm going to stop here. They weren't kidding about the drowsiness...I might come back to this later. If I'm not too lazy. See ya.
PS: I really meant to describe it, how it feels, but I'm tired now.
- Hyperventilating (quick, short breaths)
- Tingling in the mouth, hands, and toes. (as a result of hyperventilation.)
- Dizzyness (again, as a result of hyperventilation)
- Heart palpitations (heart beating fast)
- Sweating
- Choking (not actually choking, but gagging on something and getting the feeling you're choking)
- Shaking or trembling
- Crying
- Smothering or shortness of breath sensations
- Chest pain or discomfort (this especially can make it feel like a heart attack)
- Nausea, bloating, or abdominal discomfort
- Disrealisation (feeling unreal or dreamy)
- Depersonalization (feeling outside of yourself or like you don't exist)
- Fear of losing control of going crazy
- Skin losing colour
- Hot/cold flashes (like menopause!)
- REALLY REALLY needing to pee or poo
OKAY! The number one thing not listed? PANIC! I also get frustrated. You may not feel there is a reason for you to be panicking, but you are. Too late! Sometimes it can appear out of nowhere. I've had panic attacks after sitting quietly, focused on my units. I`ll be write-write-writing and then suddenly there it is! Or maybe you can find a reason. Either way, you`re having a panic attack. Knowing what can trigger them is important, because then you can try to prevent them. (Note: not by avoiding your trigger, but by slowly practicing until it doesn't have as much of an effect on you.)
BREATHE DEEPLY AND SLOWLY. This can be so, so difficult when you're already hyperventilating. I tried this time, but it didn't work out for me. Another technique is to focus on an object and describe it in detail to yourself. They're both hard things to do, but they work when you can do it. If you're with someone having a panic attack, walk them through these exercises gently and slowly.
The Aftermath. I usually feel really tired after a panic attack, and just a little bit stupid and embarrassed. Although if it happens in a public place, like on the bus or at school I'll try my best to move on. I don't know if that's the best thing to do or not, but that's what I know for now.
I'm going to stop here. They weren't kidding about the drowsiness...I might come back to this later. If I'm not too lazy. See ya.
PS: I really meant to describe it, how it feels, but I'm tired now.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
HPV Vaccine and The Lorspital
I was lucky today, I caught all my buses with just a little waiting. (43.190.133) Which was odd, because I got to the lorspital just in time to duck into the nice washroom and head up the elevator. The weekend of absolute horror is over, so I'm going to go back to not blogging really personal stuff.
Looks like several of the Catholic school boards are going to take a vote on allowing public health to go into the schools and provide Grade 8 girls with the HPV vaccine.
HPV is human papilloma virus. It can lead to cervical cancer.
"At the centre of the debate is the Conference of Catholic Bishops, which said in a statement that since HPV occurs only through sex, which is appropriate only through marriage, in theory the young girls would have no need for the vaccinations, though there is no issue with the vaccine itself." -City News
I see where they are coming from. (Don't I always?) But that's very ideal thinking. Come on, I go to Catholic school, and Catholic doctrine can be a fairly small reason for girls to resist becoming sexually active. So ideally, yes, grade 8 girls in Catholic schools would not be sexually active until they are married. However, we don't live in a perfect world. I think these girls should get the vaccine in school, because let's face it- how many girls will really go to a public clinic to get the vaccine? It's hard talking about sexual health, and I'd imagine that would be a major factor in how many girls will go out and get it themselves.
Edit: I forgot to mention this lady who suddenly started talking to me at Shoppers while I was waiting for my prescription to get filled. She was reading this article about Michael Jackson and started telling me about how Neverland is really a code for a secret place where he sends people he doesn't like so he "never has to see them again." And how he's not really MJ but a representative of another country- she won't say which, but I heard something really offensive about Muslims while I was trying to count stitches in my knitting. And how she figured it out after years of contemplating.
Looks like several of the Catholic school boards are going to take a vote on allowing public health to go into the schools and provide Grade 8 girls with the HPV vaccine.
HPV is human papilloma virus. It can lead to cervical cancer.
"At the centre of the debate is the Conference of Catholic Bishops, which said in a statement that since HPV occurs only through sex, which is appropriate only through marriage, in theory the young girls would have no need for the vaccinations, though there is no issue with the vaccine itself." -City News
I see where they are coming from. (Don't I always?) But that's very ideal thinking. Come on, I go to Catholic school, and Catholic doctrine can be a fairly small reason for girls to resist becoming sexually active. So ideally, yes, grade 8 girls in Catholic schools would not be sexually active until they are married. However, we don't live in a perfect world. I think these girls should get the vaccine in school, because let's face it- how many girls will really go to a public clinic to get the vaccine? It's hard talking about sexual health, and I'd imagine that would be a major factor in how many girls will go out and get it themselves.
Edit: I forgot to mention this lady who suddenly started talking to me at Shoppers while I was waiting for my prescription to get filled. She was reading this article about Michael Jackson and started telling me about how Neverland is really a code for a secret place where he sends people he doesn't like so he "never has to see them again." And how he's not really MJ but a representative of another country- she won't say which, but I heard something really offensive about Muslims while I was trying to count stitches in my knitting. And how she figured it out after years of contemplating.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Stupid Questions and Vomit
My mom asked me this morning, “How long are you planning to be ‘sick’?”
Now I understand she’s going under the assumption that I’m still faking sick, but as I’m not that really pisses me off. I don’t PLAN to be sick. If I could, I’d plan to never be sick! Hello!!! I’d plan to never feel icky and especially, I’d plan to never ever be depressed.
On a grosser note, I just threw up. People always say you should feel better after you throw up, and I’m really hoping that’s the case. (Although I’m still feeling icky.) Hopefully I threw up whatever was making me sick. But I did realize yesterday night that what I was feeling after the snifflies and the sneezies went away is exactly the same as all the times I had low blood pressure. So I’m going to either talk to write out a note telling one of my parents that it feels like that, leave out how angry I am that they ignored it, and ask them to get me salty food. My family doctor said to eat salty food when my BP gets really low. Of course, my dad has high BP so we don’t have a lot of salty food just lying around the house. I`ll pay for it, just make this go away!!!
Phase Two: The Yelling
I’m really dizzy, which I love, because if I tell my parents I’m really dizzy they’ll start yelling at me about how I haven’t eaten. Which like the nausea, really helps. I was just about to go downstairs and get something to eat but I got really spinny on the stairs and I sat down, and then I came back here.
My prediction came true!!! Last night before I went to bed I thought, “If I wake up tomorrow and I still feel like shit, they’re going to say that I’m faking, because they’ve been ignoring me for the past five days and don’t know how I’ve been feeling.” Yep. So my mom started yelling about how I’m not sick, and how I’m lazy and I don’t do anything and I’m going to fail school and then she comes back in the room, and starts telling me how I can’t give up and shit in this fake soft voice. Then she started yelling again.
It’s getting really hard to type, I’m getting all sweaty and even more dizzy. I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL. Or at least, I hope I get hit by a Mac truck tomorrow. My head is constantly aching, I get dizzy just switching windows on the computer, let alone turning around, I’m hot-than-cold-than-hot-than-cold, I’m nauseous, I’m tired, and that’s just the physical stuff. I tried acetaminophen, I tried serc, I forced food down my gullet, (which came back up my gullet and made me more dizzy, AGAIN) I really just want to hurt my parents.
I think them ignoring me was better than them yelling at me, because at least it was quiet. I’m going to try to get down the stairs again.
Heterosexual Justification
I couldn’t sleep. This weekend I’ve blogged more and with a lot more personal stuff than ever before, mostly because I’m finding it so difficult to stay on MSN and nearly impossible to talk out loud. Less painful things are starting to pop back into my head.
This debut thing. I always swore that if I was single on my debut I would have a friend escort me. All the debut’s I went to where the girl was just by herself seemed really...lonely. I know I’ve blogged before about the raging heterosexuality of the whole thing, but it’s pretty huge. I can’t back out, that’s for sure. After this weekend I know even now that I’m going to be like hell on earth. If my parents will ignore me for something small like they did, imagine them planning a gigantic wedding-esque party.
Again, I have already blogged about how horrible a debut would be for a girl with anxiety issues.
I will not have a male escort me at this debut. Would a straight girl let another girl escort her? But what would I do? I know I would ask a friend to escort me if I’m single, that’s a given. I know my friends are wonderful enough to do so. What really, really bugs me is the fact that I will have to justify it. And fight for it. I just...I really wonder, what is the point of introducing me to society if I’m not interested in the gender I’m being introduced to?
Now even after I make it clear I will not be escorted by a male, picture this.
My friends and family precede me into the ballroom. (God, I cannot believe how monstrous that sounds.) Anyways, then the MC pauses and says, “Now I present to society, Katherina Miranda Yerro, and her escort, Random-Female-Name-Here.” The crowd claps awkwardly. My friends cheer and clap with much more enthusiasm. People stare.
Ending A: I say nothing, and then the entire community mutters and spreads rumours about myself and my family, “Did she have to shove it in our faces?” “Don’t they have any tact?” “Fucking lesbo.”
Ending B: I say something, and the entire community mutters, albeit quietly. I bring their attention to the fact that should a straight girl be escorted by a man, no one would be muttering, “Did she have to shove her heterosexuality in our faces?”
As much as I loathe the idea of a debut, or rather the process before it, I do not want to be spending my coming-of-age, my Filipino bat mitzvah explaining, “God Hates Gays- or Maybe Just Angel Rapists and Gentiles” and attempting to put Leviticus and Gomorrah into context. It has potential to be a really nice night, in between the inevitable arguing and anger. Homophobia is not really something I had planned as part of it. Suggestions?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
A Breakthrough!
Yes, my dad talked to me today! Actually he said, "get up! get up! you've been sleeping all day!" which is wonderful, because they`re omnipotent and know what I`ve been doing even though they were out until 4:30. And I love getting woken up so I replied, `No! I`m sleeping!` into the mattress. And my dad stormed out and said, `You know, you are getting to be too much.` then yelled down the stairs, `she said NO, again!`
Imagine that. God, I`m horrible.
So after that Bunny and I were talking and she was like, `Grampa finally talks to us and you totally screwed it up.` (Or rather, Gampa, fi`y taws to us an`yoo tohyee scewed it up.)
I should probably be more grateful. Yea. They've done so much for me since I was diagnosed. Like...ignoring the existence of a problem for the first, (hard) year. Oh, and then failing to make an appointment for six months the year after that. (That was before I was okay enough to talk on the phone.)
Yea, and then when I had that really really horrible month last February and they just kept getting angry at me. Oh! And then when I came out and they were okay, but then my mom told me that "I should start considering the rest of the family" and "stop pushing my sexuality on people." And when my brother asked me, "Why can you just be gay, why do you have to do all these gay things?" God, you know they're right. No one ever talks about their opposite-sex partners, or assumes hetrosexuality, so I really shouldn't talk about being gay at all. I should just never talk about this huge part of me, ever, because that's just pushing it on other people.
They were there for me through all the easy stuff. My family raised me and dealt with the terrible twos and me becoming a teenager but when it came to the things that really hurt, I got left to deal with it by myself. I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM. I`m going to go back to bed.
Imagine that. God, I`m horrible.
So after that Bunny and I were talking and she was like, `Grampa finally talks to us and you totally screwed it up.` (Or rather, Gampa, fi`y taws to us an`yoo tohyee scewed it up.)
I should probably be more grateful. Yea. They've done so much for me since I was diagnosed. Like...ignoring the existence of a problem for the first, (hard) year. Oh, and then failing to make an appointment for six months the year after that. (That was before I was okay enough to talk on the phone.)
Yea, and then when I had that really really horrible month last February and they just kept getting angry at me. Oh! And then when I came out and they were okay, but then my mom told me that "I should start considering the rest of the family" and "stop pushing my sexuality on people." And when my brother asked me, "Why can you just be gay, why do you have to do all these gay things?" God, you know they're right. No one ever talks about their opposite-sex partners, or assumes hetrosexuality, so I really shouldn't talk about being gay at all. I should just never talk about this huge part of me, ever, because that's just pushing it on other people.
They were there for me through all the easy stuff. My family raised me and dealt with the terrible twos and me becoming a teenager but when it came to the things that really hurt, I got left to deal with it by myself. I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM. I`m going to go back to bed.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Incriments of Progress (to where?)
I've been getting the silent treatment for three days and it makes me so, so angry. I'm pretty sure I'm angry anyways, because really it just makes me cry.
I know I don't do anything! I know I barely move and I don't help out and I don't talk or do anything but sleep but what else can I do? I can't make my body or my brain do what I want and I'm so sad and so desperate and why can't they see that? I want them to be able to see that...or at least, believe it. I know they don't think it's real or anything but it's real to me! I don't know what else to do.
I know I don't do anything! I know I barely move and I don't help out and I don't talk or do anything but sleep but what else can I do? I can't make my body or my brain do what I want and I'm so sad and so desperate and why can't they see that? I want them to be able to see that...or at least, believe it. I know they don't think it's real or anything but it's real to me! I don't know what else to do.
Friday, September 14, 2007
My Fucking Depressed-ness - written 09/14/07
Someone, please save me from this misery! My body tires after simply sitting up and it seems I cannot do anything but alternate sweating and shaking. I long to rip out this hair for it tortures me- it’s attraction to dirt and it’s unruly mess of strands that refuse to lie straight and bearable. There is nothing for me to do while even the daylight is too bright and watching television only causes my head to ache more- too many lights, too many pictures all moving so fast I’ll vomit if I look much longer.
Even eating, which has been my bane and my trouble is difficult! Just thinking of consuming more than a spoonful of soup is enough to, (again) send the meagre contents of up stomach up again. I can feel the hunger, somewhat detached but there and I long to eat, to venture downstairs and scrounge up a meal but even if my body didn’t revolt at the thought it wouldn’t be able to make the trip.
I want to move faster than a snail, oh, to be able to speak without tiring! Yet every painful move I’ve made is utterly useless in the eyes of my parents, for I do too little and I do it wrong. Don’t they see that even laying on my bed is tiresome and uncomfortable, even though I have never slept so long and so deeply in my life. They continue to yell and act sullenly at me but don’t they realize that I want nothing more than to stop being this way? The way they are acting hurts me as much as I try to deny that. All this slamming and silence is just fodder for this alternative part of myself to feed on.
And still my mind continues to pain me with its complete inability to function. On and on it rambles and sighs about my shortcomings and my faults, never ceasing or faltering. I can feel it, all through my body. My limbs seize and then lay limp and my torso feels as if it will burn through my skin. I have no future! I’ve ruined my past! My present is sheer miserable existence, with nothing to do but move lethargically from one bed to another! I try to resist it but my mind speaks the truth and I know I’ve failed at everything I ever tried to do, I’ve crushed any hope of the future I had dreamed of and now I am a waste of consciousness. (God, even the tiny bit of food I had today is clamouring to come back up.) I am desperate for anything to end this complete horror and I’ll get it! I’ll either be free from this or dead and I’m not sure which is the better for I know I have no life waiting for me but more misery and more vomiting and I hate it I hate it I hate it! WHO CURSED ME WITH THIS LIFE!?
PS: And someone please tell this hideous intruder to STOP ORDERING ME AROUND!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! OUT!!!
PPS: I’m not joking about this! I may have written this in uptight language but I mean it! THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS IS TOO PAINFUL AND TOO CONSTANT AND TOO HORRIBLE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!
My Fucking Depressed-ness
Someone, please save me from this misery! My body tires after simply sitting up and it seems I cannot do anything but alternate sweating and shaking. I long to rip out this hair for it tortures me- it’s attraction to dirt and it’s unruly mess of strands that refuse to lie straight and bearable. There is nothing for me to do while even the daylight is too bright and watching television only causes my head to ache more- too many lights, too many pictures all moving so fast I’ll vomit if I look much longer.
Even eating, which has been my bane and my trouble is difficult! Just thinking of consuming more than a spoonful of soup is enough to, (again) send the meagre contents of up stomach up again. I can feel the hunger, somewhat detached but there and I long to eat, to venture downstairs and scrounge up a meal but even if my body didn’t revolt at the thought it wouldn’t be able to make the trip.
I want to move faster than a snail, oh, to be able to speak without tiring! Yet every painful move I’ve made is utterly useless in the eyes of my parents, for I do too little and I do it wrong. Don’t they see that even laying on my bed is tiresome and uncomfortable, even though I have never slept so long and so deeply in my life. They continue to yell and act sullenly at me but don’t they realize that I want nothing more than to stop being this way? The way they are acting hurts me as much as I try to deny that. All this slamming and silence is just fodder for this alternative part of myself to feed on.
And still my mind continues to pain me with its complete inability to function. On and on it rambles and sighs about my shortcomings and my faults, never ceasing or faltering. I can feel it, all through my body. My limbs seize and then lay limp and my torso feels as if it will burn through my skin. I have no future! I’ve ruined my past! My present is sheer miserable existence, with nothing to do but move lethargically from one bed to another! I try to resist it but my mind speaks the truth and I know I’ve failed at everything I ever tried to do, I’ve crushed any hope of the future I had dreamed of and now I am a waste of consciousness. (God, even the tiny bit of food I had today is clamouring to come back up.) I am desperate for anything to end this complete horror and I’ll get it! I’ll either be free from this or dead and I’m not sure which is the better for I know I have no life waiting for me but more misery and more vomiting and I hate it I hate it I hate it! WHO CURSED ME WITH THIS LIFE!?
PS: And someone please tell this hideous intruder to STOP ORDERING ME AROUND!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! OUT!!!
PPS: I’m not joking about this! I may have written this in uptight language but I mean it! THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS IS TOO PAINFUL AND TOO CONSTANT AND TOO HORRIBLE!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Pre-Post-Partum
Okay, I blogged last time about postpartum depression, but my biggest fear is actually...
INFERTILITY.
First of all, I'm a lesbian. I recognize that it would be pretty hard for me to get pregnant you know...without intending to. But I know should I get pregnant, I would keep the baby. I would probably consider open adoption, but I know deep in my heart I would never be able to give up this child.
I want to experience a pregnancy.
I want to have a child grow in my and to have my lover feel my rounded tummy and have trouble hugging me in bed and to have a baby.
I am so, so scared.
INFERTILITY.
First of all, I'm a lesbian. I recognize that it would be pretty hard for me to get pregnant you know...without intending to. But I know should I get pregnant, I would keep the baby. I would probably consider open adoption, but I know deep in my heart I would never be able to give up this child.
I want to experience a pregnancy.
I want to have a child grow in my and to have my lover feel my rounded tummy and have trouble hugging me in bed and to have a baby.
I am so, so scared.
Friday, September 7, 2007
That Old Feeling
Dread.
I have been learning, (and trying) to stay in the moment. To stop worrying about what's going to happen in a week, month, year...but I really want to get this down.
I'm really, really scared of postpartum depression. And on a shorter time-line, winter. I'm really, really scared of winter.
See, you all know that I have always wanted to have kids. Even when I was in that I-want-to-be-a-nun phase I knew I wanted to have kids. With someone. (At that point, I didn't know what kind of someone I wanted to be with, I just knew it wasn't going to be a guy.) And even when I did know who I wanted to be with I knew we'd have children together, and I would carry the kid.
Then I knew that I would have to fight against the (main)stream, as well as have to find some way to get pregnant once I did, and once I found the love of my life.
And now I'm also scared to have the kid! I know there's a lot of fear in me, and a lot of fear that I've let go of. But I'm afraid to give birth to a child, a child I know I'll love so much that it'll hurt, that I'll want to hold and take care of and breast feed and be with and when that time comes around I'll be too depressed to do anything. What if I can't do it?
Same goes for the winter. It's grade 12 and I have to do well, but what if I go really really deep down again? I don't want to...it's just really really scary.
I have been learning, (and trying) to stay in the moment. To stop worrying about what's going to happen in a week, month, year...but I really want to get this down.
I'm really, really scared of postpartum depression. And on a shorter time-line, winter. I'm really, really scared of winter.
See, you all know that I have always wanted to have kids. Even when I was in that I-want-to-be-a-nun phase I knew I wanted to have kids. With someone. (At that point, I didn't know what kind of someone I wanted to be with, I just knew it wasn't going to be a guy.) And even when I did know who I wanted to be with I knew we'd have children together, and I would carry the kid.
Then I knew that I would have to fight against the (main)stream, as well as have to find some way to get pregnant once I did, and once I found the love of my life.
And now I'm also scared to have the kid! I know there's a lot of fear in me, and a lot of fear that I've let go of. But I'm afraid to give birth to a child, a child I know I'll love so much that it'll hurt, that I'll want to hold and take care of and breast feed and be with and when that time comes around I'll be too depressed to do anything. What if I can't do it?
Same goes for the winter. It's grade 12 and I have to do well, but what if I go really really deep down again? I don't want to...it's just really really scary.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Hillary Clinton on Ellen
Of course y`all know that I LOOOVE to watch Ellen. Season Five of the Ellen Degeneres Show, (TEDS) opens up in New York, with Hillary Clinton up as the first guest. Watch the first video to see Ellen ask the Big Question on MY mind and hers.
Queerty gets it right when it tells us that it`s great to see Ellen talking about queer issues. It`s been tough for Ellen after she came out- let`s take a quick tour of the past ten years.
1. Ellen Comes Out
2. Ellen`s sitcom character comes out with her
3. Ellen`s sitcom is stuck with a warning label on several episodes.
4. The sitcom is criticized for being too gay, and taken off the air.
5. Ellen disappears for a bit, re-emerging to pilot The Ellen Show, which never really got off the ground.
6. Ellen disappears again, but rumours that she`s going to do a talk show circulate.
7. The Ellen DeGeneres Show starts and continue to get rave reviews, but the gay community wonders, `Where`s gayEllen?"
So obviously it would be pretty difficult for our best girl to talk about being gay- first she`s too gay, then not gay enough, then too gay, then not gay enough, and finally in Season Four of TEDS her viewers saw more and more gay references.
In the fourth season Ellen talks to T.R. Knight about slurs on the set. Knight definitely respected Ellen as a pioneer for queer visibility, and sought out more guidance then she could offer while on camera.
Now Ellen comes out again, (those of us in the community know what an ongoing process coming out is) to Senator Clinton. Ellen expresses the need for same-sex couples to have the same rights as heterosexual couples. (Watch the saga of Kerry Weaver in ER to see this problem in action.) Watch the video and tell me what you think about it.
Queerty gets it right when it tells us that it`s great to see Ellen talking about queer issues. It`s been tough for Ellen after she came out- let`s take a quick tour of the past ten years.
1. Ellen Comes Out
2. Ellen`s sitcom character comes out with her
3. Ellen`s sitcom is stuck with a warning label on several episodes.
4. The sitcom is criticized for being too gay, and taken off the air.
5. Ellen disappears for a bit, re-emerging to pilot The Ellen Show, which never really got off the ground.
6. Ellen disappears again, but rumours that she`s going to do a talk show circulate.
7. The Ellen DeGeneres Show starts and continue to get rave reviews, but the gay community wonders, `Where`s gayEllen?"
So obviously it would be pretty difficult for our best girl to talk about being gay- first she`s too gay, then not gay enough, then too gay, then not gay enough, and finally in Season Four of TEDS her viewers saw more and more gay references.
In the fourth season Ellen talks to T.R. Knight about slurs on the set. Knight definitely respected Ellen as a pioneer for queer visibility, and sought out more guidance then she could offer while on camera.
Now Ellen comes out again, (those of us in the community know what an ongoing process coming out is) to Senator Clinton. Ellen expresses the need for same-sex couples to have the same rights as heterosexual couples. (Watch the saga of Kerry Weaver in ER to see this problem in action.) Watch the video and tell me what you think about it.
