That Old Feeling

Dread.

I have been learning, (and trying) to stay in the moment. To stop worrying about what's going to happen in a week, month, year...but I really want to get this down.

I'm really, really scared of postpartum depression. And on a shorter time-line, winter. I'm really, really scared of winter.

See, you all know that I have always wanted to have kids. Even when I was in that I-want-to-be-a-nun phase I knew I wanted to have kids. With someone. (At that point, I didn't know what kind of someone I wanted to be with, I just knew it wasn't going to be a guy.) And even when I did know who I wanted to be with I knew we'd have children together, and I would carry the kid.

Then I knew that I would have to fight against the (main)stream, as well as have to find some way to get pregnant once I did, and once I found the love of my life.

And now I'm also scared to have the kid! I know there's a lot of fear in me, and a lot of fear that I've let go of. But I'm afraid to give birth to a child, a child I know I'll love so much that it'll hurt, that I'll want to hold and take care of and breast feed and be with and when that time comes around I'll be too depressed to do anything. What if I can't do it?

Same goes for the winter. It's grade 12 and I have to do well, but what if I go really really deep down again? I don't want to...it's just really really scary.