Tired, Again

I should mention first that I cry quite rarely when I'm have a panic attack, and mostly because its' so goddamn frustrating to have them.

I went to see my family doctor today, and then I went to get my blood test and ECG. He said he wanted to see me next week, and well...*sigh* My first thought was, "Like I don't see enough doctors anyways."

But my feelings change on that often. Sometimes I wish I could see someone more often, when I'm having a really bad time of it. Sometimes I wish I would see them less. Always, I know that I still need them. I know that so many people don't have all the help that I do, and that they may need it more.

Let's be honest though, eventually, you get tired of doctors. Doctors with their Alphabits cereal letters after their names - MD, Ph.D, MSW, CCFP, MC, all that stuff. As much as I like that I get out of school, I'd like to be able to stay at school everyday for an entire week. (Even though we all know I'd just skip a day to work from home.) Just having that option would be nice.

Please that don't read this and think that I'm ungrateful for all the help that I've got, I just want to have a normal life once in a while! I met Dr. G and now know that I want to be like her when I get older, but because I've had to have met her I know that's a longshot. Okay, let me try to rephrase that, it didn't make any sense.

I met Dr. G because of my mental health issues. After meeting her, I knew that I wanted to like her when I grew up. But because of these same issues, I know that being a doctor is so...nearly impossible. But if I never had to meet her, if I never had these issues, that would still be possible for me. I used to be a straight A student, I actually processed what I was reading the first few times around, I studied hard but had a life too, I had so much!!! I really, really want that back.

I really should stop, I'm starting to feel the panic coming. But god! I want that so badly! I want to be a doctor, but I also just want my academic life to go back to how it used to be. I never dreamed that I would be taking a fifth year, or failing courses, or struggling so damn much when I started high school. Everyone's going to university next year! All my friends except Christine are leaving! Valerie is heading for life sci, and hopefully medical school. Michelle is headed somewhere, and hopefully that island in that country that was on that show to dig up those things! Vanessa is heading for something that requires measuring, and hopefully something else that requires measuring! Everyone is going on, reachin' for their dreams, and they all have a chance for it. Dr. Val isn't such a stretch in my imagination. Dr. Kat, as much as I joke about her, she's as fictional as my alter-ego's get.

Now I'm going to do my evening yoga, and ask my dad if I can borrow his Metropass while I go hunt for a copy of the September 25th Advocate tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! THE NEW ISSUE IS OUT!! I swear, if I can't find it tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue no matter how much it costs. (*Thinks.) I swear, if I can't find the September issue tomorrow, I'm going to buy a back issue if it costs me less than what's remaining in my bank account after I buy my Curve subscription. Good night.