Didn't they know?

I'm still looking for a picture of myself in grade 8 or 9 for the retreat tomorrow. In doing so, I found a lot of pictures from when I was younger.

There I am! Mortified and unable to fake a smile at my 5th birthday in JK, because I was so terrified of all the attention.
There I am! At my 7th birthday party clutching Barney close while I tried not to cry. Oh...maybe the next one will be better.
There I am! At Petticoat Creek...sitting on the grass because my cousins wouldn't let me sit on the blanket. Huh.
There I am! In Florida, staring up at my brother and cousin who are waving from the balcony they wouldn't let me go near.
There...at my 8th birthday party completely miserable because my cousins were ignoring me.
And there...at my brother's graduation, attempting to smile for the camera but really just wanting to be in that big Cousins photo that no one would let me into.
There...in late in grade 8, smiling at waving at the camera Nigel was wielding. I remember that well because I was trying very hard to smile and to keep my sleeve up over my wrist.

I know that I was the cute baby for a bit, but then I became the annoying kid to my teenage cousins. I recognize that as they were my teenage cousins, they were only able to think of things in relation to themselves, as well as being deeply invested in being the popular kids. But...honestly...didn't ANY of them think about how that made me feel?

Did any of them realize that when I was grade 4, (I was nine) I promised myself that once I was in high school I would sever any ties with the cousins? I planned to go out with my friends, or even just pretend that I needed to study. The arrival of my nieces and nephews changed that, but at the time I was simply waiting until I was free of my obligation to the family.

Did anybody think that the first time I thought about killing myself was when I was eight years old, and deathly lonely? In one of my old diaries it even lists methods and what I thought of them.

I HATED them! I hated my cousins so much that I would shake with anger when I thought about them. I cried so many times, blaming myself for having been born too late. When I was looking at those photos, I wished I could do that to them somehow. But I know! I know how hard it is to be ignored! I know the fear and the anxiety and the sadness and the loneliness that make you so desperate that you will try to take your own life! I'll be honest, I've had a lot of experience that maybe, my cousins didn't have. My own diagnosis and treatment, my friends, even my job during this summer all have changed me. If I were to treat my nieces and nephews, (having about the same age difference as my cousins and I) like I had been treated, I know it would hurt. Anyways, I can't do that, they're mine! They're precious and I love them and I'll be on the lookout for them, always. I'll teach them to stand-up to bullies, to tell fireants from the ones you can play with, to treat other kids well even though they won't share, and that if they feel alone, I'll be there for them.

All in all, I'm quite glad that's in the past. Even with more than a decade having passed since I started feeling like an outcast, I still remember clearly how awful I felt. I still feel awful, but at least now I have great friends, and (gosh this is so counsellor-y) a solid support system. I had great friends then too, but I wasn't ready to tell them shit like that. I almost love my cousins now. I've grown up a lot, and so have they. Just because I'm the same age they were and I don't act like my little cousins are pieces of shit doesn't....(*breathe) I almost love my cousins now. Almost. Hey, at least I'm in the picture now.

PS: I'll be gone tomorrow, at the retreat hopefully. I'm shaking for quite a different reason now...I don't really want to be at that retreat as I am. And once I'm there...I can't just go home to my bed and sleep it off, nor can I just leave and find someone who can help me. I did pay $40 for it...and the bus seating and rooms will get messed up. I will try to be brave enough to go. Maybe while I'm there my body will finally acclimatize to the new med? Or maybe being out there is what I need. Gosh, I'm scared.
PPS: Marjolein, are you there?