Five Days Later: I know I pretty open about talking about all this stuff, but this time, I'll keep it to myself. I painted my nails bright pink to match my raspberry hat. I call them Power Nails, because they're shocking and loud and vibrant. All things that hurt my eyes and my ears when I'm on this stupid med. I did find my bag by the way, everything still complete, sharps still on it. I'm going to collapse onto my bed now.
I've reached another place in my life where what I want to write about is much too personal to post on the Internet, of all places. So I'll be taking a break from updating this blog, at least until things work out or end.
Please save your breath. I know I earn LESS than what I need to support myself, let alone a child. I know I'm seventeen, and I can't even commit to choir once a week!
I think I'd be a really good mother. I think I would love my baby more than anything or anyone in the world, but I also think...that when the days get shorter or I just- I just crash, I would never leave my bed. I would cry and cry and I would probably...not be a very good mother.
...is something I have serious trouble with. I like working! As much as I hate that I have to, I like that sometimes, people are happy when I'm helping them. Even just helping them find the right card, I dunno. That's a nice feeling. But it's so tough! I had a panic attack at work today. What if I'm alone? What if I'm working and whoever is with me is on break? I can do that! I can work a pre-Christmas shift, by myself, cash, floor, card cleaning. But sometimes, it's hard enough to wake up in the morning. I need to be able to keep working. I need so much more then that, but right now, I need to be able to work. And I hate myself for not able able to.
Dammit O'Reilly, you caught me. I'm secretly part of the TLTO, (that's Toronto Lesbians Taking Over) and I'm working hard to rack up my Dyke-Points, so I can get myself a toaster!!! Honestly, I'd prefer a microwave, but you have to convert 50 girls to lesbianism, and I don't work with the gang enough to get that!
I haven't been going to the hospital for the past three years, I've taken the "tunnel" to our underground lair, where we plan out lesbian gang stuff and have lesbian sex.
They're part of the gang. And I didn't get my job back at Carlton, I just got a promotion in that gang and I needed more time to go into Straightville, (that's everywhere outside of Church and Wellesley) and recruit. Actually, they're not 17. They're 37 and 49 respectively, and they recruited me. They sponsored me into the group, (they acted as my Sapphic Sisters.) I was their microwave girl. Dammit, now we have to go revise our safety plans. O'Reilly, you've really got us going.
Sophie's World. Alberto leaves Sophie a letter and asks..."Are you a child who has not yet become world-weary?" Unit 3 HZT4U1. The print before me reads, "Give your response."
I thought at first, that I could simply answer, "Yes/No." And then as I thought more about it I started to remember....
I know that I am only seventeen and have so much more to experience, but I think I am tired of the world.Five years ago I had so much less to think and worry about- not that I didn’t have any problems, but just that they were so...average!(Here I must say that although my issues were the same as every other kid in my class, that didn’t make it any easier.)The next year I hit depression, started self-injuring, and attempted suicide.Throughout high school, I’ve come to see so many more unpleasant parts of the world.Corruption!The disintegration of my family, the abuse of my friends, the intolerance of the church, the stigma of mental illness, how could I not be tired of this!?I am so much more familiar with Centenary Hospital, how to see a friend in a locked ward, how to evade being hospitalized, hatred, and loneliness than I ever wanted to be.I have watched my friends...no. There are good things to this world, sure, but I’m rather tired of the bad things.
