Nice Guys

Do you remember nice guys? I didn't. I remember a lot of bravado, puffing of chests and fluttering feathers. I met a nice guy today in the library. I mean, we'd known each other from before, but I hadn't seen him in a long time.

He was...nice! He didn't press when I said I just wasn't in school, or where I had transferred to. He was calm, even-spoken. In turn, I felt more calm. When I left I felt happy. You know the feeling when you're wearing a circle skirt, a top, and a little sweater? That was the feeling. I like that. I miss that. I feel like I've turned defensive over time and for a moment, he made me softer.

My eyes relaxed and my shoulders dropped and it was like...different! Now I realize I'm almost always on guard, for people who will be abrasive about my school situation, or my orientation or my issues. I'm also on guard for things that will hurt, like Speedy's claws or getting that look about school, anything!

I want to become more like that. I want to be less angry, less crass. You know, in grade nine I felt different. I could be sweet and graceful at times. Then something shifted and when there were times I wanted to be like that I just ended up telling stupid jokes or explaining myself before people made judgments. Which made me tired, justifying myself. Maybe I can still be like that.