Kat's Debut

What can I do with this fire?

I'm a a little over two weeks away from my 17th birthday, which is pretty insignificant compared to last year. I'm already old enough to drive, old enough to emancipate myself, and old enough to...be too lazy to get my license. But the one thing that's important about turning 17 is that I have to start preparing for my debut. Yea, us Filipino's are completely nuts. Kat Is Becoming A Woman.



So for all of you who don't know what a debut is, it's pretty much a coming-of-age for a Filipino girl. It's similar to the Jewish Bat Mitzvah, the Spanish Quinceañera, the white girl's sweet sixteen, and the brown girls...menarche. There's some ceremony, one of them being cotillion, where the girl's friends perform dances. Mostly they're traditional Filipino dances and ballroom. The other ceremony is 18 Candles and 18 Roses, where the girl is presented with...18 candles and roses by her friends and family. Men give the roses, women give the candles.

I wasn't sure if I wanted a debut or not...I can just imagine everyone going nuts near May even without dance rehearsals and stuff, but my Lolo and Lola have always dreamt of my debut. Apparently for Filipino boys it's 21, but I don't think we did anything special for my brother. So I have a lot of questions...

1. Do you want to be a dancer? Please, please say yes! I have like, nine girls, and none of us can dance.
2. Do you want to be an 18 Candles/Roses person? Please, please say yes! I have...my cousins are all really old, and I don't really want to be giving 3 year olds candles.
3. Should I have a head-table? I don't like the idea of sitting above everyone, or being stared at. But my friends want one. I was going to just have a table for us, but I'm not sure.
4. What should be the theme? I'm all for a Sea Otter or Jellyfish theme, but my mom wants spring. Maybe I'll compromise and be Groundhog. You know, groundhogs come out in spring and all.

SERIOUSLY, I need help. I was never big on the debut thing, but I'm getting kind of into it. I just don't know what to do!!!

Mental Health Day

All in all, I'm a little bit glad that I missed out on FLUID this week because I wouldn't have had enough time to freak out over MHD. I would have been freaking out over several things, and honestly my brain doesn't have the space for all that shit. I've managed to push away a lot of that fear and anxiety, at least the unfounded fear and anxiety, and I'm not very well equipped to deal with that much of it. I've got tools to deal with it, but gosh, that was SCARY! Even the night before I surrounded myself with my aminals because it was sinking it. We'd been planning MHD for months, but the idea of telling my story, one I'd hid for a long time in front of people I was afraid of was pretty scary.

When I got to school my first thought was- I have to go to TA. So I went to TA and then I put my stuff in my locker and went to the library and changed my clothes and gave Morrison those Myths about Mental Illness sheets and took a seat. And remembered to breathe. (I actually think that Ms Morrison reminded me to do that.) I think I fidgeted a lot. Mr. Francis showed up and WHA, that was cool! The talk Mary-Anne gave was pretty engaging, but I think I was too nervous to really stop moving.

The break came...I really stopped breathing then until I had stopped running around in circles and was helping Ashley set up the conference room chairs. Here, I had a peer who was about to do the same thing and I think I took heart from him. The teachers really helped too, gosh, that was scary. But they helped me get settled and ready and that was really important. I was completely winging it, but it felt right after a little while. Still nervous, still doing that thing where I make jokes when I'm feeling awkward, but right. When Val and Vae started talking though, I really wished I didn't smile at all the wrong times because I felt like crying. My friends have supported me when I didn't have anyone to talk to without making an appointment, and they supported me even when I did. They are not obligated, they are not condemned if they don't help, but they do it anyways. And no matter when happens in my life, I will never forget the amazing love and friendship they gave to me when I felt I had nothing left but a handful of pills.

The second group was better. I passed around more of my stuff and talked about all the things I'd forgotten about in the first one, and it still tugged at my heart to hear Val and Vae.

Nonetheless, it was a huge relief when lunch came. Did anyone know the caf made such awesome food? Still want some of that pasta, amazing pasta. It felt really weird talking to all those adults though. Just goes to show you, I really have to stop hanging out with toddlers, because all I could think of to say was things about how cute my nieces and nephews are and how I "don't get it." Seriously, grown-ups are a different species.

Dr. Berber was cool. He was very different from any other speaker I'd seen, and I think Mary Ward makes a point of arranging for unique speaking styles. His mnemonics were pretty useful actually, I'm trying to find a website or something where those are listed but I'm just finding a lot of articles citing him as a resource. If anyone finds it, can you tell me? It was good.

Although it really was a roller coaster day, (and all those people who met my gr8 teacher in the first group know I don't like roller coasters!) it was very freeing. No more hiding.

Vlog Number Thirteen

Post 101!!!

Google my House!

Google My House!

The newest search tool from Google is designed to target even the laziest of teenagers. It's called Google my house! and it's the biggest internet phenomenon since YouTube and virtual packing bubbles. (Internet Videos and Stress Helpers.)

The newest Google enables you to search the contents of your house, and their locations after a quick scan. Google sends a small leprechaun through your Internet Connection which then appraises your goods and continues to mark any changes in your house. Then you can easily search for anything on your property through the internet wizard. Here are some search functions we loved at Power of What.

Find: textbooks+paper+unit guides+units+lunch+drink+weed into schoolbag.
Find: schoolbag.
This search query finds the items listed above and follows the instruction, "into" to pack your bag for you. Another quick flick of the wrist and your packed bag is by your side. You can even break it down to find the components of your lunch and put them together, if you use the right terms.

Find: hard liqueur+shot glass
Lose: parental supervision
This handy "lose" function is great for us!

Find: functional family
Unfortunately, we found a tiny glitch. After inputting this search query, we recieved this message.
"SYNTAX ERROR: SEARCHED ITEM DOES NOT EXIST. Contact leprechaun for further assistance."
We've learned to expect a lot from google, but I think that pushed the limits.

Anyways, with this great new addiction- sorry- addition to the google family, we're sure to become a much more obese nation. Can I google Timmy's?

A Streetcar Named Desire

That's right, we finally made it. Grade 11 drama is a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun too! Below...the cast for Scene 7 and 8.
Stanley Kowalski - Matt G
Blanche DuBois - Pauline D
Stella Kowalski - Kat Y
A real cake, real candles, REAL BROKEN CUPS. Even though we took forever memorizing lines and it was...really...awkward in rehearsal, that was the REAL SHIT out there! Matt was really pissed, and alternately quite loving, and Blanche was the crazy bitch we knew she really was. My darling sister! (Did anyone else feel bad when she went to the asylum?)

I'm having a lot of trouble writing this, so I'm going to go to sleep again.

Awwww....I love this commercial.

Sleep-Speak

I've been sleeping like a koala. Which is nothing new, I mean even before the new stuff I'd been pretty much a 16-hour girl. I really hate that sometimes he says it could just be my sleep cycle, because honestly I don't know anyone else who sleeps this much. Normally. You know, someone without mental health issues. I've actually gone out wearing my pajama's a few times this week, just because I cannot get out of my bed. And once I'm out, I'm not out for long, so why bother changing?

Tuesday was the usual. I had one of those stupid appointments where you have one and then another one 1 1/2 hours later, so I used my time to explore. Turns out there wasn't much that I hadn't covered except the first floor, which I had an inexplicable fear of. IT WAS AWESOME. I found the Tunnel to Shoniker, which is yellow and ugly, but functional. I found the swimming pool, for physio, and the other lobby, and these boring offices that I don't think I was supposed to go into. Whatever. I didn't find the other piano though...maybe I misunderstood him.

Here's the fun part- semi formal! (Hence, the picture above.) Val and I got all sexy and straight-haired and make-upped and dressed-up. When we got there it was all white-food and we were all white-dancing but it was okay, because we had FUN! It was pretty cool actually, I thought it'd be a little lonely but it wasn't.

Here's the BIG NEWS- Jump the Gun is off and running! Pauline and I have been meeting with Morrison and Ireland for a little while, so things are really happening. For y'all blog readers, I know you don't have any idea with JTG is, so here's a quick summary:

Jump The Gun is an in-school initiative with a focus on VOICE. We believe in speaking up to achieve change in a peaceful yet meaningful manner. Using our voices and our words, we believe that we can amend what people believe has to be, to what can be. We believe in an active lifestyle of advocating acceptance. Who people are makes no difference, but what they do can change the world. What a beautiful world it can be, if we only step up, speak up, and make a difference.

Hey, I said it would be quick. And now my font is different and it's bothering me. BE STRONG KAT, BE STRONG!!! We're doing a big kickoff with a Mental Health Day for Ireland's IDC students. Yours truly will be hosting a workshop herself. I'm pretty proud of myself, but I'm afraid the realities of mental illness are going to eat at this. (Excessive sleeping, low mood, changed appetites, etc?) I mean, it's all well and good to do something awesome like this, but it's a completely different cricket game when you're doing it with mental illness.

I'm happy to save I've found a place at school for myself. I was always a little bit jealous of my brother, having all these people who still remember him, (I've been called Eric a few times, which is weird, because even if I don't look like a girl I DO have breasts and he doesn't.) I didn't have anyone to remember me. I think I do now, and that really makes a difference. Just today I was remembering how I used to hate the walls at Ward when I first started going there...but now, they make up the walls of my home. It's not always safe, and it's not always pleasant, but it's another home.

Alright guys, I'm going to head off to sleep. G'night.

Enclosed

I haven't vlogged in a while...my webcam is still being very cruel, and then the holidays rolled around and I got stuck in it like an elephant into a katamari ball.

I've been working like crazy- I logged 30 hours last week, which was NUTS. Considering 10 or 15 is perfectly fine for me, 30 is crazy. Just 15+ this week, which is good. I did some rearranging of my room- I know! My bed is no longer in my closet! And it's TINY, but trust me, much better now. Soon I will have my ekorre.

At least that's one thing that didn't cost me any money. Holiday's mean SPENDING and for a thrifty girl like me that means dollar store+glue gun+sewing machine+stickers+meat loaf pans= Christmas!

The things you can do with a meat loaf pan are ridiculous.

You know how pregnant woman are always holding their tummies, like to reassure themselves that the baby's still in there? I've been doing that a lot, but it's more of checking to see if the fats still there. I feel gross.

I haven't gone out at all yet for Christmas, other than family functions and work. Unfortunately, that DOESN'T...you know what? I'm tired. I'm going to go.

Vlog Number Ten

I hesitated to make this, just because it would go over my last vlog, but I dunno...just don't forget the message from V#9. Here's me again...

Vlog Number Nine - Love Is...

The message in this video is important to me. It's something I've never understood- racism, sexism, all of that stuff happens because people are different. Although gay people may be different from us, they love. So many people don't love and yet they hate this. It doesn't make sense to me.

what's going on here? (aka the post with names)

You know how teachers lean over your shoulder when you're clearly not working and say, "What's going on here ladies?" I feel like I should be saying that to myself. I think, with enough work I'll be able to lean over my own shoulder. But I'm keeping my physiotherapist on speed dial. ("Hey Dr Ho? Yea. It's me again.") Half the time I don't know what my brain is doing. Yea, I know, I've been talking about my brain and mind like a seperate entity from myself for a while now. But I feel that way. They just decide like some kind of weird Kat's brain/mind meeting and I get filled in later . And not even the whole way.

And I've been so open about it. I mean, papers lying around, wordless smiles, everything. I've become a lot more open- like all of you know now that I've got a few mental disorders, and it was such a relief to not have to hide it. Sometimes I talk about it with a bitter voice- like, "Yea, well it's just this pesky clinical depression eating at my heart!" and I must admit, I am kind of bitter. I wonder why it had to be me, why it had to come at a time where people still hold a stigma against mental illness. I can see the change now. A few decades ago, if I had told all of you guys I had OCD, you probably would have chucked me in an institution. Hell, the school would have chucked me in an institution. It means so much to me that you accepted that, and that you guys are trying to understand how difficult it is.


That is something I'm not confused about. (One of the few things.) I have a decisive label there. Although it's definately a bad idea to label people, I do kind of like the simplicity of it. It's not so complicated when it can be summarized in one phrase. "Mentally ill." "Non-Catholic." "Hungry." It's not simple at all, but sometimes...it's nice to be, just for a little while. But there is so much I want to know. I'm not talking about quadratic equations or trig or shit like that, but about myself. How can I grow up to help other people if I cannot help myself? (Well obviously I can't right now...but...eventually?) I want to be sure. I want to have a label so when I'm out there, I know what I am. I know who I am.



I'm glad I have so many people to love. So many people who love me back. go9.5, you guys support me through so much. Y'all one letter teachers help me sort things out without having to make an appointment. My doctors are definately huge in my support system. My parents are big too, especially my daddy. Karl, you take care of me so well. You know what I need and what I want and the difference, and you have been there for me in so many ways. Pau, you let me be myself without treating me any different, and you've been there for me throughout all the shit. Christine, you've accepted me for who I am, and were there to show support and go trick or treating. Val, you GUESSED at so many things and after those guesses, you treated me normally too. You helped me sort things out and know when I don't have to yet.

See? No codenames this post.

All of you, in some way or another have helped me get by. Jess, Michelle, Vivian, Vanessa, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Pauline, Karl, Dr. G, Larry, Mr Candi, Mr F, Mr D, Dr. Peter, Mommy, Daddy, Tito Joe, Janice, the other Mr F kinda, Richard, Melissa, and chocolate. Some just by hearing my story, or bits of it, and not judging or yelling, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!!!" Or whatever people yell for that. Some by talking to me about it, some by sharing their own stories, and all of you for being my friends. Cheers, to friendship.

Vlog Number Eight

Vlog Number Seven

Our Sins

I'm no longer going to Church. I do not feel that I can practise my faith in a community where women are not equal to men, where mental illness is percieved as a result of sin, where men attack boys in opposition to their vows of chastity. Of their vow to live as holy people. Not only that, but the core of Catholocism does not run freely in my heart. I believe Jesus was a wise man, but not the son of God. I believe God will protect us each in our own ways, in His way.

"Your homework is to learn to express yourself." Well, I'm expressing myself all right. I've been more pissed than ever- sometimes I'm just angry for no reason. But make no mistake- if I'm pissed at YOU, I'm pissed for a reason. Don't disregard it. I'm kind of glad I didn't have cognitive this week...Dr G has just unearthed the frustrating part of Treating Kat, and I don't think it would be have been the most fun session ever. Granted, they're hardly supposed to be fun... I wonder how the re-evaluation will turn out. Heh.

I'm so glad for my friends. You guys have been there for me in ways no one else has. It's so hard...I think go9.5 is the most dysfunctional group of people I've ever met, and yet we all try so hard to work out our own problems, as well as help each other. We are each other support systems. Except for chocolate and my Lolo and Lola, there is nothing I wouldn't give up to keep you guys. But if it came up to you vs. my Lolo and Lola, you know what my choice would be. I feel like you guys are my family, my sisters and brother, my soul.

Sometimes I'm so afraid it'll never end. Does the misery stop? Will a magic pill help me work again? I'm so desperate for it to stop. Do you know what it's like to only wish for death while trying to finish a unit? Or how difficult it is to breathe when I'm just thinking- just thinking, and my body seizes in fear. I can't stop it! There is nothing I want more than to be able to work. To be a useful part of my family and society. Don't you see that?

To Polygamist 1 or 2,
You are my sister in all the ways I can think of. If friends don't last forever, then let us be family and never leave each other behind. Ok?

Vlog Number Six and a PSA

Vlog Number Six


PSA

Strike

I, Aeriana Eve am on a strike.

I refuse to follow the plan.
I refuse to read the Steps to Success.
I refuse to put away my favourite pair of blue.
I refuse to continue doing things that that will hurt you.
I refuse to do things that will turn out better for me, and worse for you.
I refuse to turn away from God, but rather to continue putting my faith in Him.
I refuse to feel guilty about what I've done, but instead about how it affected you.
I refuse to go to church and worship a man I believe was wise, but not the son of God.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I really am.

Vlog Number Five

Vlog Number Four

Vlog Number Three

It's way more fun to video blog. So I'm going to vlog again, for the second day in a row.

Vlog Number Two