double post- drowning

So many people have tried. I'm afraid to disappoint you, although it's too late for some. I don't know how to fix some things, and I have to. There are things you can't just leave alone- although maybe it's easier to. I'm confused...it's MAY. It's MAY! Oh god it's MAY. Almost. Can anyone help me?

AUGHHHHHHH THERES A SPIDER ON THE WALL....I really, really don't like SPIDERS......AUGHHHHHH it's SO FAST!!! OH GOD IT'S CRAWLING EVERYWHERE....

And back to on topic. (Sorry...spiders really freak me out...) I think I'll leave it here...to the diary then.

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So I blame the following people for indirectly making me obsessed with the piano I once hated;
Kirk. You idiot. I could easily have become immersed in my sewing once again, but noooo. Marjolein's brother, Bastiaan for those putfiles that I watched for forever- just staring at his fingers...he made me want to play like that. Actually, I added a Scarlatti piece to my repetoire because I "saw" him play something of his and it was awesome. It's visual too, you know. My mom's friend in the Philippines, who apparently played Liebestraum no.3 and was the cause of all of this Liszt-Love. And my lola, who loved it from the beginning.

I BLAME YOU!!!

And I'm angry at you, Mr Franz Liszt, for making it so goddamn difficult! The insane accidentals ALONE are driving me mad. The pedaling, (sp?) also insane. The SHEER NUMBER OF NOTES is mind boggling. Hello? But you, Mr Liszt, are a genius. I'd have given up last week if it didn't sound so awesome...and I never would have looked up all of these classical pieces.

Rachmaninoff. Concerto no.3. Third movement. Which sounds so full I feel like I'm drowning in it, (see the connection here) but I'm not crazy enough to try that one. Like right here...where the violins come in, and it's got this...ahhhhhhhhh.....

I'm not trying to sound like I know music. I know, I dropped out of RCM after Level Six exam which is...not anything. It's equivalent to a high school drop out not even making it to grad, let alone university. But even high school drop outs can learn, its just a bit harder after...and besides, you can't deny they're amazing compositions. GAHHHHH-making.

the real thing

I figured I might as well give you guys, (yea I know no one actually reads this...shattup!) a real update. Kinda.

To explain my second last post:

Monday- I ate something and I got anaphylaxis. (Guess how long it took to learn how to pronounce that.) Sooo I ended up at Scarborough Grace in a hospital gown. They really should just call them fabric-squares, because those things don't cover at ALL. I got new epipens though...
Tuesday- Whooo!! Passed out fourth period in the computer lab. "Are you dizzy?" (nods) *Why am I on the floor?* It's a conundrum I'm still trying to work out. When I woke up, why was I three meters away from where I last remembered being?
Wednesday- I became single again!
Thursday- Went to the doctor.

To explain the updates:
I'd been using "Slide" to shunt those pictures across the top of the page, but Shutterbook/Parazz created a slider of their own. I have nearly 400 pictures on my Shutterbook, compared to the 46 on Slide so I transferred it.
I also added several links- to my second Shutterbook account, and to my homepage. sp.eak is the title of the website, and it's pretty! But only because I used a template. Please refrain from exploring safe.ty, and go right into bre.athe if you must.

To explain myself:
Big Bunny and I are moving to Austria tomorrow, so expect a delay in new posts. I'm joking, but expect a delay in new posts. I've got a million units to do in what is it, seven weeks? Praise be if I don't fail any of my courses, but I don't know who to praise. By the way...I, Ms-RCM-Drop-Out needs help deciphering some music...(*coughKIRK) Liebesträume- which confuses me past the first page. I'm trying to figure it out for my lola. =)

I'd say back to the books but I'm tired, and I wrote a quarter of my french thing on the bus, so I'm going to indulge in some- crap I forgot what I was gonna eat. Wait! Milk. That was it. Eat/Drink whatever.

By the way...
Look what I found! It's sooo creepy...
http://random.dragonslife.org/mary-ward-catholic-secondary-school/356
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ward_Catholic_Secondary_School
And so well organized. CREEPY!!!

To: Marjolein

Re: The Survey (That you stole from Kat who stole it from Kirk who stole it from Mel)

Basics#9- I wish I was your height. 5'6 seems perfect. Just six more inches to go...
Lovers&Friends#1- I consider you one of my best friends!
#4- Ahhh, thieving can be so much fun ;)

Specifics#5- If I didn't live in Canada, and if I knew you in real life, I would call you. Also, if wasn't grounded right now.
#8- Why change? To me, you are amazing right now.
Favourites#1- YAYYYYYY PINK!
#2- All praise chocolate!
#6- You should meet my friend Michelle S- she loves monkey's also!
#7- I'm all for sports requiring hitting something very hard.
ATM.Colour of Toenails- Mine are sparkly, but I try not to look at them too. Weird, huh?
Last Person.You IM'ed- At least we still have GEE!mail.
You kissed- Big Bunny is a person just like Marlene! And also my last person.
You are- REVERSE ALL OF YOUR ANSWERS!!!!!
Who/What Makes You Smile- Marjolein's current desktop picture makes me smile too =)

Did I see a "Fez Fan" on your Fanlisting page? YEAAAAAAAAA!!! (That 70's Show comes on during the hours before church on Saturday's...I used to watch them all.)

Did I see a "Milk Chocolate" Fanlisting? I may just join it...but I may be too lazy. Oh my Lord there are pictures...someone bring me some Dairy Milk! Please!!! (Or C1000)

I like the entire Marielaine section, by the way. The avatars, the banners, it's all awesome...

And Now, back to your regular scheduled programming. (Yooo-NITS!)


I <3 Chocolate and Marjolein.

my medical meltdown of mayhem

Oh the Alliterations.

Monday- Emergency Room
Tuesday- The Floor
Wednesday- (*blushes)
Thursday- THE ANSWERS!

And I won't tell you what they are, I'm just trying to update my blog.

Michelle's Birthday Pictures- It expires fast!! Please click now!
http://s65.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=36UI0LKA97OJQ11R3T49Z9649H

The Secret Dangers of "Laughter"

The Secret Dangers of “Laughter”

We are all prone to fits of high-pitched noises, un-regulated breathing, bursts of excessive sound waves, and sometimes, silence. These involuntary acts, (which shall hereunto be referred to as “laughter”) are much more dangerous than they seem to be.

“Laughter” masquerades as a simple physical show of amusement. In fact, “laughter” has a hidden power. “Laughter” provokes seasoned persons-of-professional-education-creation into unwonted anger. The following are some examples of how persons-of-professional-education-creation can react.

1. “I wouldn’t have come in here, but I heard you “laughing”. Now get out.”
2. “You’ve been “laughing” the entire period. I never want to see you in my lab again.”
3. “What is there to “laugh” about, ladies?”
4. “I want you out of my sight right now. This is an individual work area , not some kind of “laughing” place.”
5. “If I see you “laughing” again you’re outta here.”

It all seems quite harmless, but it’s really a lot more painful. Expulsion from a resource area during a No Movement time can spell disaster- if you run into The Admin. The Admin are much more sensitive to “laughter” and can react as such.
1. “You’re being disruptive. That’s a detention for you.”
2. “If you think you can get again with “laughing” think again, buster.”
3. “I’ll have your student card. “Laughing”, in my school!”

Of course, we must all have realized the biggest danger of these calls are their habit towards odd nicknames.

YAY hot water! I’m going to stop pretending I’m working, and go take a shower. Where I can not work, for real!

BTW, check out the vid by v3k productions at YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p80rM1wCduM

flying on angel wings

Yea, the songs from the show are stuck in practically everyone's head, but there's one line that keeps on repeating...a) I love you, A bushel and a peck b) pokemon! gotta catch 'em all (make-up room extemporaneous-ness) c) I could honestly die.

I don't know what to do...I've buried myself under these horrible circumstances and there's no getting out of it. No matter how hard I try I always end up screwing up and although I'm not always giving 100%, I'm not doing this stuff on purpose! I could choke here, I could dive, I could sink lower than ever but why should I keep on digging a hole when I could fly up?

Your words are my angel wings, you keep me hovering here, but at some point I'm going to take your wings and fly out somewhere I can be, be without turning onto myself and cold. Somewhere I'll be free. Where I don't have to keep on running away, trying to compress this all then escaping what I've brought closer to myself.

Your angel wings will be my salvation.

six shows, five days.

Yes, I'm pretty much just a lowly extra in MW's production of Guys and Dolls this year, (again) but I'm still exhausted. I can't imagine how tired the leads are.

So a lot of people agree that the "behind-the-scenes" part of Guys and Dolls wasn't as much fun as The Three Muskateers, and that we're not as well prepared this year. Onstage however, it's a lot more colourful and busy. Granted, it's a musical. The best part is backstage, right before every show.

With everyone's hands held in a circle, we say a short prayer, then gather in the middle for "ROLL 'EM!!!" and that moment is just so great...you feel like you belong then.

Back to sleep then...I'm dead to the world for the entire week! I'm busy right until Sunday night.

an'dieu?

Most of you know my stance on asking people, "How are you?" I know it's an easy question to ask and one that is said out of courtesy or lack of better things to say in all it's forms. The question is simple, the answer can be much more complicated.

How am I? I'm fine.

No, really I mean. How are you?

It's a personal question, don't you think? Your state can be very complex, and due to a lot of complicated reasons that all seem a bit overwhelming just to keep in your head, not to mention putting them into words. And then having the courage to speak them. It takes a certain amount of trust to let them see you vulnerable.

But then, we've learned that there's one person we can tell everything. One we can be naked with. Or perhaps...one Person. The idea that someone out there knows absolutely everything that goes on in my head is off-putting rather than comforting. I'd like to keep my thoughts inside my mind, private for myself so that later on I can sort them out because obviously you're not doing ANYTHING to help me out here and I'm just drowning with all of the SHIT i see ALL THE TIME that I just can't figure out enough to get myself the fuck outta here and the problems I've created without having the foresight to see them coming, or knowing the consequences but choosing to ignore them which although it's very general can be the stupidest decision I've ever made. Granted, any decision where you see the mauvaise outcome and ignore it will probably end up in deep shit. Why haven't you been listening? Everyone tells me I'm supposed to just keep going until you can hear me and I can see that you hear me and I have to have FAITH but I've been waiting for three fucking LONG YEARS AND ALL THE FUCK YOU'VE SENT ME IS LESS FORESIGHT AND THIS FREAKISH HEAD I'VE GOT. My problems are inside my head, and if I can create them I should be able to make them go away.

Not true.

Whatever I've tried to do to convince myself that I believe in you and that I'm not this way and that things will change have been contradicted on many levels. And I think...I think I should let go of you. Or You.