an'dieu?

Most of you know my stance on asking people, "How are you?" I know it's an easy question to ask and one that is said out of courtesy or lack of better things to say in all it's forms. The question is simple, the answer can be much more complicated.

How am I? I'm fine.

No, really I mean. How are you?

It's a personal question, don't you think? Your state can be very complex, and due to a lot of complicated reasons that all seem a bit overwhelming just to keep in your head, not to mention putting them into words. And then having the courage to speak them. It takes a certain amount of trust to let them see you vulnerable.

But then, we've learned that there's one person we can tell everything. One we can be naked with. Or perhaps...one Person. The idea that someone out there knows absolutely everything that goes on in my head is off-putting rather than comforting. I'd like to keep my thoughts inside my mind, private for myself so that later on I can sort them out because obviously you're not doing ANYTHING to help me out here and I'm just drowning with all of the SHIT i see ALL THE TIME that I just can't figure out enough to get myself the fuck outta here and the problems I've created without having the foresight to see them coming, or knowing the consequences but choosing to ignore them which although it's very general can be the stupidest decision I've ever made. Granted, any decision where you see the mauvaise outcome and ignore it will probably end up in deep shit. Why haven't you been listening? Everyone tells me I'm supposed to just keep going until you can hear me and I can see that you hear me and I have to have FAITH but I've been waiting for three fucking LONG YEARS AND ALL THE FUCK YOU'VE SENT ME IS LESS FORESIGHT AND THIS FREAKISH HEAD I'VE GOT. My problems are inside my head, and if I can create them I should be able to make them go away.

Not true.

Whatever I've tried to do to convince myself that I believe in you and that I'm not this way and that things will change have been contradicted on many levels. And I think...I think I should let go of you. Or You.