aHA!

Yesterday, or quite recently, I blogged about how it's weird that I'm getting better but I feel a little out of control. (To be more precise, more self-destructive.)

I got it! I'm FEELING MORE. It's been a long time since I've felt anything but self-hatred, irritation, and extreme depression. After my last episode, I felt almost nothing. Just numb. And NOW, I'm feeling angry/sad/happy and apart from having to learn what to do with those emotions, I'm also learning just to feel them again. Usually when I feel the slightest hint of anything, I'd just go straight to self-destruct to make it go away, but I don't want this to go away.

It's been years since I felt things like this, and it's horrible.

It's not really horrible. I mean, this is what I've wanted, to feel something. To feel happy and sad sometimes.

I think I have to come back to this, it's all so new!