I don't get it....

Right now, I really want to be writing in my diary but that's not going to happen. With the normal stress of June Rush usually comes a wave of anxiety, followed shortly by a shit load of OCDness. One of my compulsions is writing really perfectly, but it`s just not practical. So I`ve been typing my exams and really hesitating to write anything down, since it`s so frustrating and slow. I don`t know what`s with me. I`m so much better now...I`m feeling things that I haven`t felt in years and years. Like anger, I haven`t felt something that sharp and loud in forever so when I felt it again my first thought was actually, `What the fuck am I supposed to do with this feeling?" Then I promptly turned around and swore at the assholes talking behind me.

But even though I'm feeling things like being NORMAL sad and NORMAL happy, not the extremes of either one there are still moments...no, there are more moments when I really want to revert to my old, self-destructive ways. It's so scary to have this now and feel like this, almost terrifying. I'm more scared now than I was when I wanted to kill myself...although then, I was really just happy that I'd found a way out.

Is this is way I normally am? When I first started on the pills I wondered if I'd have any idea who I was without depression or anxiety, and I'm quite sure I don't.

Tonight at dinner I was eating my rice in a square, carefully pushing each grain into my little square of rice and trying to get the last mini grains onto my fork because you CAN'T LEAVE THEM THERE, (I also find it weird that sometimes that matters so much to me, and other times not at all) and my family was all, "You're just fucking around!" because they wanted me to get more soup. There's the anger again, and Dr. G said...I'm going to go bike.