I couldn’t sleep. This weekend I’ve blogged more and with a lot more personal stuff than ever before, mostly because I’m finding it so difficult to stay on MSN and nearly impossible to talk out loud. Less painful things are starting to pop back into my head.
This debut thing. I always swore that if I was single on my debut I would have a friend escort me. All the debut’s I went to where the girl was just by herself seemed really...lonely. I know I’ve blogged before about the raging heterosexuality of the whole thing, but it’s pretty huge. I can’t back out, that’s for sure. After this weekend I know even now that I’m going to be like hell on earth. If my parents will ignore me for something small like they did, imagine them planning a gigantic wedding-esque party.
Again, I have already blogged about how horrible a debut would be for a girl with anxiety issues.
I will not have a male escort me at this debut. Would a straight girl let another girl escort her? But what would I do? I know I would ask a friend to escort me if I’m single, that’s a given. I know my friends are wonderful enough to do so. What really, really bugs me is the fact that I will have to justify it. And fight for it. I just...I really wonder, what is the point of introducing me to society if I’m not interested in the gender I’m being introduced to?
Now even after I make it clear I will not be escorted by a male, picture this.
My friends and family precede me into the ballroom. (God, I cannot believe how monstrous that sounds.) Anyways, then the MC pauses and says, “Now I present to society, Katherina Miranda Yerro, and her escort, Random-Female-Name-Here.” The crowd claps awkwardly. My friends cheer and clap with much more enthusiasm. People stare.
Ending A: I say nothing, and then the entire community mutters and spreads rumours about myself and my family, “Did she have to shove it in our faces?” “Don’t they have any tact?” “Fucking lesbo.”
Ending B: I say something, and the entire community mutters, albeit quietly. I bring their attention to the fact that should a straight girl be escorted by a man, no one would be muttering, “Did she have to shove her heterosexuality in our faces?”
As much as I loathe the idea of a debut, or rather the process before it, I do not want to be spending my coming-of-age, my Filipino bat mitzvah explaining, “God Hates Gays- or Maybe Just Angel Rapists and Gentiles” and attempting to put Leviticus and Gomorrah into context. It has potential to be a really nice night, in between the inevitable arguing and anger. Homophobia is not really something I had planned as part of it. Suggestions?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Heterosexual Justification
2 comments:
Copying Facebook comments onto here:
Hey Leah- I kind of just wanted to know what you think about this.
LEAH:
think that coming out of the closet is a big step. If you're ready for the mutters and stares, then by all means, go for it. Whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you well... YOU. This is YOUR birthday. . I know its easier said than done, but nonetheless, you will have to face the world in this manner eventually. I understand that having a big party will cause anxiety - believe it or not, I share the same problem as you. I'm not so big on family parties b/c I've always felt like I never belonged. The smile is just a facade most of the time. But more props to you for being as strong as you are dealing with everything. If what you're afraid of is people talking about your parents, family, whatever... don't be. I'm speaking for myself, but I know most of our family would feel the same way I do. People can talk as much as they want, but this is YOUR night. Your parents are adults and can deal with the rumours and whatnot. If you want to have a female escort, go the FUCK AHEAD!
I think there comes a time where its better to just say FUCK IT and do it. Some people will be more proud of you than others. But you can't please the whole world. We live in a filpino community... and you know how that is. They will judge NO MATTER WHAT. Filpinos judge everything from hair, to make-up, to how much you pluck your eyebrows! lol! That is how filipinos were raised. And if you are like me, then just don't give two shits. We live in a different time, where ideas and opinions and lifestyles are more accepted. If they are not willing to 'get with the times' then so be it. Not everyone is going to be happy, but the most important thing to me is.. what makes YOU happy? Well, I hope that helps. I'm excited!!!! hehe
Also, the most important thing is... DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO JUSTIFY WHO YOU ARE. I will be so proud of you. :-)
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