Watch it here! You gotta see her facial expressions, they're hilarious. Her eyes are ginormous."I've been living in LA for a year now, but I love coming back to Canada. I guess it's just as the old saying goes, 'Home is where the health care is.'"
"Things are advancing needlessly. Why, for example, does Tampax have a website?!"
"We're raising a generation of namby-pambies! Those are two great words right there."
"Let the little one-eyed bastards play!"
(Referring to those spinning wheels of doom at the playground) "Now it's just a stump left with grass growing all over it where you can take your little overprotected snot-nosed kid of today and say 'yea, that's where we lost grandpa.'"
"But you can't go up to the baby....you can't shove your big finger up in their face and go, 'SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD MY EARS HURT TOO' because suddenly Nooo! You're the one with the problem!"
"I just crapped my pants."
"Wouldn't it be great if relationship could just end mutually the way it began, you just wake up one morning and go, 'Wow, I am so over you.' 'Yea, me too! Fortunately we've labelled all our things and put them in seperate rooms!'"
"I say, if you find someone that you're really compatible with, someone you really see as a soulmate, someone you see yourself staying with from now to eternity, I say, why ruin that relationship by staying together? Why not have every relationship only last those few honeymoon months!"
"We come back three months from now someone stands up and yells 'ROTATE!'"
"Oh darlin' is there somethin' stuck in my ass?"
"Come 'ere, who's my little shoehorn?! Come hug your toiletduck, who loves you!"
"How you found this, as I have, that we know more about Americans than they know about...anything?"
"Although, I would like to take this time and talk to you about Jesus if I could. [...] How frightening would that be?"
"I always come in with a Winona Ryder hope and dream and I always come out with a David Schwimmer reality."
"Yes my secrets out! I love pantsuits! Damn you your narrow minded ways!"
"So that's what a lesbian looks like. How come I couldn't tell? Perhaps I'll just sketch her for future reference."
"Right now my parents are at that perfect height where you just want to put carrying case handles on their head. It would be so much easier that way...Get in the car. Stop arguing, YES, I'll take you to a buffet, shut up!"
"'HEY LADIES!' - that's how I'd say it - 'HEY LADIES!' - that's the kind of comic I was - 'HEY LADIES, DONCHA HATE IT WHEN YOUR MAN HAS A PENIS!' Oh shit."
"I'm not a hundred percent butch, but I do have my butch qualities. [laughter] I do, I don't know why people laugh there!"
"I fall into this nebulous grey area in the middle that I like to call, Fellagirly! You know the attitude, 'I'll get it! Hold my pumps.'"
"Excuse me I see naked people up there, is this Caribana?"
"Can you see my mom at a PFLAG meeting? 'Hi my name is Irene I wish I was dead.'"
"She wouldn't be any help on the crisis line- 'Give up it's only gonna get worse!'"
"I can just imagine her seeing people at the supermarket. 'My daughter? No. No. What she doing? Oh. My daughter- is a comedian. And a lesbian. Both at the same time. Is a dream come true.'"
"I just remember being very, very angry. I ran home at lunchtime, pushed the front door open and went, 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT THERE? Who are you people? What the hell am I wearing?!"
2 comments:
thanks for posting these quotes!! i have been trying to remember her name and i couldn't; all i could remember was her description of her haircuts; going in with a winona ryder hope and dream and coming out with a david schwimmer reality. so finally, that's what i put into 'google' and YOUR page came up and now i know her name. thank you thank you thank you! :)
I'm so happy I could help! She's hilarious =)
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