Treatment

I know having an episode wipe out my life again after doing so well and being so productive is difficult on the people around me as well. How do you act around someone who is sure they`re going to die soon, if not this month, than in a few years when the next relapse comes. Even when my brother says something like he wants to go back out into the world and travel, I`m wondering if I could ever do the kinds of things he does when I can`t stand bumpy ground or dampness. It`s not likely I`ll find a campsite where the ground is exactly level without any lumps, bumps, or damp. Even when my friends talk about how they only make instant noodles for dinner it cuts me because I know making noodles in the place I am now requires an incredible push from me. Something like having to tear open the bag would crush me and I`d just go back upstairs to eat Oreos.

I`m finding now without a mood stabilizer in my cocktail, (Seroquel was putting me under for days at a time, and I`m unsure if I should restart Lamictal now, I`m a bit wary of getting the rash again) I`m really angry. I can`t talk to my parents for more than a few minutes without something they say just making me want to scream. At this point, it`s not really interfering with my life so it`s hard to say if I`d go back on Lamictal just to quench that fire. I`ve always been uncomfortable dealing with anger, including my own. But I have reasons to be angry. Things I allude to, but ultimately feel I would become too enraged to talk about even on the mood stabilizer. I don`t know how or when I would ever address that anger, but at home is not the place to do it. It`s simply to volatile an environment to express anger.

I started looking up more medications to see if there`s something that could tide me over until I`m eligible for rTMS again, something that would take the sharp edges and the extremes off but all the meds I`m finding are going to make me fat, stupid, or hyperglycemic. We`re talking about a girl who is too exhausted and too sad to boil a potato, so my steady diet of food I can eat in my room without preparation, (i.e. cookies and dried mangoes) is not going to mix well with a drug that is going to raise my blood sugar.

Then there's the simple matter of getting to my doctor. Apart from my fear of speaking on the phone, I'm not optimistic that I would get an appointment within a reasonable timeframe for figuring out the lamictal/seroquel mess, so I think I'll have to work that one out on my own. I don't know how to get myself down there without turning into a mess. I almost cried because Oreos now come with this impenetrable plastic seal I couldn't open.

Truth me told, I'm doing pretty badly. My treatment options seem to be dwindling, especially without access to my doctor. There's zero chance I'm partaking in adult mental health programs. I may think I'm a waste of OHIP and oxygen but I have enough self-respect not to submit myself to that. It looks like this to me: find something that will work in outpatient or die. Now, or later.