A Streetcar Named Desire

That's right, we finally made it. Grade 11 drama is a lot of work, but it's a lot of fun too! Below...the cast for Scene 7 and 8.
Stanley Kowalski - Matt G
Blanche DuBois - Pauline D
Stella Kowalski - Kat Y
A real cake, real candles, REAL BROKEN CUPS. Even though we took forever memorizing lines and it was...really...awkward in rehearsal, that was the REAL SHIT out there! Matt was really pissed, and alternately quite loving, and Blanche was the crazy bitch we knew she really was. My darling sister! (Did anyone else feel bad when she went to the asylum?)

I'm having a lot of trouble writing this, so I'm going to go to sleep again.

Awwww....I love this commercial.

Sleep-Speak

I've been sleeping like a koala. Which is nothing new, I mean even before the new stuff I'd been pretty much a 16-hour girl. I really hate that sometimes he says it could just be my sleep cycle, because honestly I don't know anyone else who sleeps this much. Normally. You know, someone without mental health issues. I've actually gone out wearing my pajama's a few times this week, just because I cannot get out of my bed. And once I'm out, I'm not out for long, so why bother changing?

Tuesday was the usual. I had one of those stupid appointments where you have one and then another one 1 1/2 hours later, so I used my time to explore. Turns out there wasn't much that I hadn't covered except the first floor, which I had an inexplicable fear of. IT WAS AWESOME. I found the Tunnel to Shoniker, which is yellow and ugly, but functional. I found the swimming pool, for physio, and the other lobby, and these boring offices that I don't think I was supposed to go into. Whatever. I didn't find the other piano though...maybe I misunderstood him.

Here's the fun part- semi formal! (Hence, the picture above.) Val and I got all sexy and straight-haired and make-upped and dressed-up. When we got there it was all white-food and we were all white-dancing but it was okay, because we had FUN! It was pretty cool actually, I thought it'd be a little lonely but it wasn't.

Here's the BIG NEWS- Jump the Gun is off and running! Pauline and I have been meeting with Morrison and Ireland for a little while, so things are really happening. For y'all blog readers, I know you don't have any idea with JTG is, so here's a quick summary:

Jump The Gun is an in-school initiative with a focus on VOICE. We believe in speaking up to achieve change in a peaceful yet meaningful manner. Using our voices and our words, we believe that we can amend what people believe has to be, to what can be. We believe in an active lifestyle of advocating acceptance. Who people are makes no difference, but what they do can change the world. What a beautiful world it can be, if we only step up, speak up, and make a difference.

Hey, I said it would be quick. And now my font is different and it's bothering me. BE STRONG KAT, BE STRONG!!! We're doing a big kickoff with a Mental Health Day for Ireland's IDC students. Yours truly will be hosting a workshop herself. I'm pretty proud of myself, but I'm afraid the realities of mental illness are going to eat at this. (Excessive sleeping, low mood, changed appetites, etc?) I mean, it's all well and good to do something awesome like this, but it's a completely different cricket game when you're doing it with mental illness.

I'm happy to save I've found a place at school for myself. I was always a little bit jealous of my brother, having all these people who still remember him, (I've been called Eric a few times, which is weird, because even if I don't look like a girl I DO have breasts and he doesn't.) I didn't have anyone to remember me. I think I do now, and that really makes a difference. Just today I was remembering how I used to hate the walls at Ward when I first started going there...but now, they make up the walls of my home. It's not always safe, and it's not always pleasant, but it's another home.

Alright guys, I'm going to head off to sleep. G'night.

Enclosed

I haven't vlogged in a while...my webcam is still being very cruel, and then the holidays rolled around and I got stuck in it like an elephant into a katamari ball.

I've been working like crazy- I logged 30 hours last week, which was NUTS. Considering 10 or 15 is perfectly fine for me, 30 is crazy. Just 15+ this week, which is good. I did some rearranging of my room- I know! My bed is no longer in my closet! And it's TINY, but trust me, much better now. Soon I will have my ekorre.

At least that's one thing that didn't cost me any money. Holiday's mean SPENDING and for a thrifty girl like me that means dollar store+glue gun+sewing machine+stickers+meat loaf pans= Christmas!

The things you can do with a meat loaf pan are ridiculous.

You know how pregnant woman are always holding their tummies, like to reassure themselves that the baby's still in there? I've been doing that a lot, but it's more of checking to see if the fats still there. I feel gross.

I haven't gone out at all yet for Christmas, other than family functions and work. Unfortunately, that DOESN'T...you know what? I'm tired. I'm going to go.

Vlog Number Ten

I hesitated to make this, just because it would go over my last vlog, but I dunno...just don't forget the message from V#9. Here's me again...

Vlog Number Nine - Love Is...

The message in this video is important to me. It's something I've never understood- racism, sexism, all of that stuff happens because people are different. Although gay people may be different from us, they love. So many people don't love and yet they hate this. It doesn't make sense to me.

what's going on here? (aka the post with names)

You know how teachers lean over your shoulder when you're clearly not working and say, "What's going on here ladies?" I feel like I should be saying that to myself. I think, with enough work I'll be able to lean over my own shoulder. But I'm keeping my physiotherapist on speed dial. ("Hey Dr Ho? Yea. It's me again.") Half the time I don't know what my brain is doing. Yea, I know, I've been talking about my brain and mind like a seperate entity from myself for a while now. But I feel that way. They just decide like some kind of weird Kat's brain/mind meeting and I get filled in later . And not even the whole way.

And I've been so open about it. I mean, papers lying around, wordless smiles, everything. I've become a lot more open- like all of you know now that I've got a few mental disorders, and it was such a relief to not have to hide it. Sometimes I talk about it with a bitter voice- like, "Yea, well it's just this pesky clinical depression eating at my heart!" and I must admit, I am kind of bitter. I wonder why it had to be me, why it had to come at a time where people still hold a stigma against mental illness. I can see the change now. A few decades ago, if I had told all of you guys I had OCD, you probably would have chucked me in an institution. Hell, the school would have chucked me in an institution. It means so much to me that you accepted that, and that you guys are trying to understand how difficult it is.


That is something I'm not confused about. (One of the few things.) I have a decisive label there. Although it's definately a bad idea to label people, I do kind of like the simplicity of it. It's not so complicated when it can be summarized in one phrase. "Mentally ill." "Non-Catholic." "Hungry." It's not simple at all, but sometimes...it's nice to be, just for a little while. But there is so much I want to know. I'm not talking about quadratic equations or trig or shit like that, but about myself. How can I grow up to help other people if I cannot help myself? (Well obviously I can't right now...but...eventually?) I want to be sure. I want to have a label so when I'm out there, I know what I am. I know who I am.



I'm glad I have so many people to love. So many people who love me back. go9.5, you guys support me through so much. Y'all one letter teachers help me sort things out without having to make an appointment. My doctors are definately huge in my support system. My parents are big too, especially my daddy. Karl, you take care of me so well. You know what I need and what I want and the difference, and you have been there for me in so many ways. Pau, you let me be myself without treating me any different, and you've been there for me throughout all the shit. Christine, you've accepted me for who I am, and were there to show support and go trick or treating. Val, you GUESSED at so many things and after those guesses, you treated me normally too. You helped me sort things out and know when I don't have to yet.

See? No codenames this post.

All of you, in some way or another have helped me get by. Jess, Michelle, Vivian, Vanessa, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Pauline, Karl, Dr. G, Larry, Mr Candi, Mr F, Mr D, Dr. Peter, Mommy, Daddy, Tito Joe, Janice, the other Mr F kinda, Richard, Melissa, and chocolate. Some just by hearing my story, or bits of it, and not judging or yelling, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!!!" Or whatever people yell for that. Some by talking to me about it, some by sharing their own stories, and all of you for being my friends. Cheers, to friendship.

Vlog Number Eight

Vlog Number Seven

Our Sins

I'm no longer going to Church. I do not feel that I can practise my faith in a community where women are not equal to men, where mental illness is percieved as a result of sin, where men attack boys in opposition to their vows of chastity. Of their vow to live as holy people. Not only that, but the core of Catholocism does not run freely in my heart. I believe Jesus was a wise man, but not the son of God. I believe God will protect us each in our own ways, in His way.

"Your homework is to learn to express yourself." Well, I'm expressing myself all right. I've been more pissed than ever- sometimes I'm just angry for no reason. But make no mistake- if I'm pissed at YOU, I'm pissed for a reason. Don't disregard it. I'm kind of glad I didn't have cognitive this week...Dr G has just unearthed the frustrating part of Treating Kat, and I don't think it would be have been the most fun session ever. Granted, they're hardly supposed to be fun... I wonder how the re-evaluation will turn out. Heh.

I'm so glad for my friends. You guys have been there for me in ways no one else has. It's so hard...I think go9.5 is the most dysfunctional group of people I've ever met, and yet we all try so hard to work out our own problems, as well as help each other. We are each other support systems. Except for chocolate and my Lolo and Lola, there is nothing I wouldn't give up to keep you guys. But if it came up to you vs. my Lolo and Lola, you know what my choice would be. I feel like you guys are my family, my sisters and brother, my soul.

Sometimes I'm so afraid it'll never end. Does the misery stop? Will a magic pill help me work again? I'm so desperate for it to stop. Do you know what it's like to only wish for death while trying to finish a unit? Or how difficult it is to breathe when I'm just thinking- just thinking, and my body seizes in fear. I can't stop it! There is nothing I want more than to be able to work. To be a useful part of my family and society. Don't you see that?

To Polygamist 1 or 2,
You are my sister in all the ways I can think of. If friends don't last forever, then let us be family and never leave each other behind. Ok?

Vlog Number Six and a PSA

Vlog Number Six


PSA

Strike

I, Aeriana Eve am on a strike.

I refuse to follow the plan.
I refuse to read the Steps to Success.
I refuse to put away my favourite pair of blue.
I refuse to continue doing things that that will hurt you.
I refuse to do things that will turn out better for me, and worse for you.
I refuse to turn away from God, but rather to continue putting my faith in Him.
I refuse to feel guilty about what I've done, but instead about how it affected you.
I refuse to go to church and worship a man I believe was wise, but not the son of God.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I really am.

Vlog Number Five

Vlog Number Four

Vlog Number Three

It's way more fun to video blog. So I'm going to vlog again, for the second day in a row.

Vlog Number Two

Vlog Number One

I will type no more. Until I get bored of vlogging. In which case, I will blog.

this heart of mine

PUZZLECADABRA.

I believe that's the word.
The magical word that'll fix everything.
Fix my brain,
Fix my faith,
Fix my heart.

It seems to be broken.
I can feel it beating in my stomach, that's not where it should be.
So I'll keep my hand there, to monitor it's beat.
To hope it doesn't crack again.

It hurts sometimes, this beating in my stomach.
There's beating in my head,
And I can't seem to make it stop.

Stop.

Go.

PUZZLECADABRA!!!!

rocketGIRL

Lost. Our souls, intertwined and ripped apart. By mine own hand I hath called the omniscent gardener to our hearts and pruned away the hold. Our pain, it bleeds by the stems, it drips from the heart of each flower.

I am a rocket girl. I fly around with no where to go but up and come zooming down as soon as it hit the atmosphere. Toss me high, let me fly, but make sure to catch me when I fall. You are my crash landing.

Don't let me go. Don't let go!

Stay with me on our journey. Don't let go when we're torn by the pain, destroyed and lost beyond finding even ourselves. Don't let me drown and I'll try to hold your head up high. We'll fly and dive and soar through this together, and be stronger in the end. It will come, just don't let go! Don't let me go, I'll hold you tight.

carryover is KILLING me

You know what they all say!!! If you want to ruin your school year, take carryover. And that's what I've done. It's complete hell I can't believe I'm doing gr10 and gr11 stuff at the same time. And while I'm trying to focus on my carryover courses so I can get them over with, I've still got the idea of chem and bio looming over my head. Not to mention my OTHER six courses.

The problem is, I STILL can't concentrate. It's like there are evil monkeys in my head pulling wires and ripping up neuron's. STOP DOING THAT!!! STOP!!! Goddamn monkeys...

So it's not only my work that's carried over, but the shit emotional state I was in last year, PLUS the whole September Rush thing! I've NEVER heard of September Rush but they should really tell people about that mentality when you do carryover. I didn't have a choice. It was carryover, or do gr10 math again this school year. I'd still take the carryover, even if it's driving me nuts.

Doing gr10 math would drive me even more nuts and then I'd just be so nutty that I'd get an anaphylactic reaction to myself. Augh!! AUGH!!! Why am I myself I'm getting HIVES...*cough*Cough*get me an epipen....

So I'm just saying. If you see me, and I look like there's a rabid racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies, it's because there's a rabic racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies.

God I hate school....even if I was starting off without carryover, I'd hate it still. Gr11 IS the hardest year.

-Racoon Girl, signing out.