Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sewtacular! Jenna Lou "Girl's Best Friend" Wallet
I had previously purchased a fully made wallet from Jenna Lou Designs but after years of love and getting compliments, my pretty red wallet was decidedly ready to retire.
This time I swapped out the beautiful red design for a more minimalist design- the last scraps of my faux wood grain cotton. I paired it with my cutesy pink and green heart fabric though, and applied -gasp- appliques! But they're cute turtles so it's okay. Although my wallet isn't nearly as nice and square as Jenna Lou's I'm very happy about it. I even added a little divider behind the zipper section so I could keep my (limited) cash and my discount cards separate. Pictures of the Butterick 5317 dress coming up soon! (Pattern altered for idiots who don't read how much fabric you need before starting!)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Living Sedated - Adventures with Seroquel
Nightmares and tossing and turning oh my! Still, I slept an acceptable 12 hours and I don't feel nearly as groggy as I did yesterday. Unfortunately I woke up feeling pretty anxious and uncomfortable. My muscles were tense, I have a sick feeling around my heart and stomach, my fingers are naturally curled up. It looks like no matter what dose I take, I end up with some unpleasant side effects.
I feel like my skin is going to unravel, like a banana peel, and I need somebody or something to hold me together. The feeling is so strange and unwelcome that I had to take a PRN. Sedated, again.
November 1st 2010
I've been back hitting up all the usual websites trying to find a new medication cocktail. It turns out I`ve already been on a ridiculous 11 different pills, which is only a small fraction of the meds available. However, the other medications haven't been given a go previously for a reason. Many of the remaining meds have weight gain, even more sexual dysfunction, hyperglycemia and mental blunting listed under "Common Side Effects." Looks like more bad choices.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Treatment
I`m finding now without a mood stabilizer in my cocktail, (Seroquel was putting me under for days at a time, and I`m unsure if I should restart Lamictal now, I`m a bit wary of getting the rash again) I`m really angry. I can`t talk to my parents for more than a few minutes without something they say just making me want to scream. At this point, it`s not really interfering with my life so it`s hard to say if I`d go back on Lamictal just to quench that fire. I`ve always been uncomfortable dealing with anger, including my own. But I have reasons to be angry. Things I allude to, but ultimately feel I would become too enraged to talk about even on the mood stabilizer. I don`t know how or when I would ever address that anger, but at home is not the place to do it. It`s simply to volatile an environment to express anger.
I started looking up more medications to see if there`s something that could tide me over until I`m eligible for rTMS again, something that would take the sharp edges and the extremes off but all the meds I`m finding are going to make me fat, stupid, or hyperglycemic. We`re talking about a girl who is too exhausted and too sad to boil a potato, so my steady diet of food I can eat in my room without preparation, (i.e. cookies and dried mangoes) is not going to mix well with a drug that is going to raise my blood sugar.
Then there's the simple matter of getting to my doctor. Apart from my fear of speaking on the phone, I'm not optimistic that I would get an appointment within a reasonable timeframe for figuring out the lamictal/seroquel mess, so I think I'll have to work that one out on my own. I don't know how to get myself down there without turning into a mess. I almost cried because Oreos now come with this impenetrable plastic seal I couldn't open.
Truth me told, I'm doing pretty badly. My treatment options seem to be dwindling, especially without access to my doctor. There's zero chance I'm partaking in adult mental health programs. I may think I'm a waste of OHIP and oxygen but I have enough self-respect not to submit myself to that. It looks like this to me: find something that will work in outpatient or die. Now, or later.
Fighting the Relapse Beast
Life isn't linear, it's not like once you've failed college you can't go back and try, but it does go on despite whatever is happening in your life. I can work so hard and not really get significantly better and time is going to keep on passing. I'm never going to catch up to my age mates in the rat race and that's something I think I'll feel badly about for a long time. They have had so many different experiences while I am having a completely different one that really gets me nowhere in the calculation of success. I haven't completed any level of education past grade 10, I haven't lived away from home, I haven't dated, all because of this damn illness that's going to dog me forever. There is no cure for depression. I can deal, I deal with my anxieties and my OCD, but to be completely honest that's not the life I want. I don't want to deal, I don't want to be afraid that the next week somethings going to conk out and my life is going to grind to a halt again for reasons that I can't really explain. This summer everything stopped because I was exhausted, and that led to a million other things. Next time maybe it'll be the anxiety which will lead to the other things. The uncertainty of not knowing when or if a relapse is going to strike bothers me quite a bit.
My urgency to find something now is because I know with my history it's most likely that I'll have more relapses throughout my life. I've been so close to the edge this time that if I were to get that close again I don't think I would have the strength to fight it, and with that experiences I`ve gathered of the adult mental health system there are strong barriers to seeking help for it. You don't know...even when you've experienced it, once you're healthy and you're part of the world again you always think it's not going to be that bad. Next time you'll be stronger because you have the perspective of having been healthy. It doesn't work like that. Once it's back, you're in it. It's all consuming, overwhelming, there is no thought that doesn't lead back to it. If I don't find something that will work now and in the future, I'll die because that's just how strong my episodes are. I truly don`t know if I can face more jagged edges like that and come back from it. It`s taken a lot to be at a place where I want to come back. Even now I`m extremely hesitant, I can`t see a future for me that I want to live through.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sew What's Next? (Hahaha!)
A few weeks ago I finished the Alexander blouse and found it rather appealing. Although it was a challenging, finicky pattern for me I think I managed to pull it off. (It's currently in the wash, or I'd post a picture for y'all.) I also finished off a few quick alterations- a hem here, a button there, re-fasten some chain, etc.
My cousin is getting married in a few weeks and my sewing projects of late, (plus the fee of the only seamstress we know) has prompted my mom to commission me to alter her ball gown. I made little paper doll of her and some paper dresses and she chose a design! I'm very, very afraid and I suspect there will be not a little hand-sewing which I have to admit I detest. Although embroidery I don't mind, for some reason.
After that, my crafty life plan slows to a crawl. What shall I sew next? I have so many patterns and books that part of the difficulty is just picking one thing. So, despite the relapse, the weird lung virus, the deferred exams I'll be writing, the full-time online course load, the therapy homework, and the high school diploma I hope to PLAR, I need a new challenge. Scissors, at the ready!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Beware the Allergen!
24 30h
Looking at Easter pictures with my dad. Laughed so hard I started coughing and couldn't stop.
24 40h
Realized I wasn't coughing from laughter, I was coughing because my throat was itchy and beginning to swell. Can't find "my effin' epipen!"
24 45h
Family zooms out of house.
24 50h
Arrive at Scarborough Grace Hospital. Immediately put on oxygen and IV fluids.
Doctor orders: 0.3 epinephrine IM
Respiratory Tech orders: Ventolin breathing treatment, nebs
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7:
00 00h
The Ventolin tastes weird. The only things I ate was some bread that I get from the same place, every week, and Pepsi. So what caused this reaction? And where the EFF was my epipen?! I need to go to the washroom really, really badly. Discover that I'm less stable on my feet than I thought.
My mom helps me down the hallway and then I see a dead body, all wrapped up. We have a hissing argument about whether or not it's dead before I go in the washroom. When I emerge, and we're walking back, she sees it and tells me it freaks her out. She's the one with all the ghost stories!
00 30h
RT and MD listen to my lungs. Still wheezy, although I feel almost completely normal. Another breathing treatment, another half hour.
01 00h
Doctor sends my mom and dad out to buy an epipen from the closest 24h pharmacy. He tells me to rest, because the epi and the 2 Ventolin treatments caused my heart rate to go up. I fall into a fitful sleep, which is partially made better by the nurse in the yellow scrub top.
03 30h
Free! My O2 and heart rate are at normal levels. I'm exhausted from the reaction itself, but the epi gave me a lot of nervous energy. When I get home, I hold onto the kitchen counter and jump up and down to release some of it. Doesn't work. It's a really strange feeling- full of energy and completely exhausted at the same time.
All throughout Wednesday my throat hurt, probably from coughing so hard to get some air in. I didn't eat until the evening because I was so frightened- I still don't know what caused the reaction, so how can I eat anything?! It's out there- lurking- Beware The Allergen.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Give Me Leaders: The Tyranny of False Values - Gonzalo Gonzalez
The Tyranny of False Values - Gonzalo Gonzalez
I am the youth of the land. I am told that I am inconstant and frivolous, that am soft and easygoing. I am accused of being supercilious and cynical, of not having the right attitude. And since I do not know where this country is headed for, that they wonder with a gloomy sense of foreboding what I shall do with this land when it is left to me as my heritage, when it is willed to me as my own.
I am the youth of the land. I am cynical, I do not have the right attitude. But looking around me, I see a wooden platform gaily bedecked with the red, white and blue of my country. The band plays the national anthem, my heart swells with pride as do the hearts of Filipinos, shoving and crowding as far as the eye can see. The speaker rises-the tumult and the clamor dies. He brings: Fellow countrymen: We should support militant Filipinism, we should hold all things Filipino in high esteem, we should patronize home industry. I, the youth of the land, am impressed; I, the youth of the land, glow with patriotic fervor; I, the youth of the land, am convinced-almost. For I, with the irrepressible curiosity of youth, look up and see that the speaker, like myself, is a Filipino-more than that, he is my leader, and he is wearing a hat from Italy, a shirt from New York, trousers of the finest wool of New England, shoes from Great Britain, jewelry from France, and perhaps, underwear from Japan. I, the youth of the land, am disappointed. But my leaders say that I am cynical, and our leaders know whereof they speak.
I listen to exhortations towards the leader of a strenuous and Spartan life, that our race may gain in strength, that our people may drink deep of the blood and iron of stamina-that we Filipinos shall be equal to the tasks that face us, in a merciless world. But I cannot help listening to tales of wonderment and magnificence that float over the waters of Manila Bay and over our inland seas-as our leaders prepare us for the struggle of an independent existence by teaching us a life of comfort and ease-a life garbed in the velvet and gold of luxury, yet rotted to the core by the cancer of racial degeneracy. I, the youth of the land, am disillusioned. But in my disillusionment I see the shattered dreams of my leaders who bid me follow a path they do not tread, who command me bear a torch they do not light, who will me a trust they do not keep. But my leaders say that I am supercilious and insincere, and our leaders know whereof they speak.
I am the youth of the land. I am easygoing and parasitic. I am irresponsible. Perhaps I should cease to be parasitic by being politic. Perhaps I should be a man of responsibility-a man responsible for a certain number of votes in one little corner of the party's official map. For I may be a lawyer, doctor, writer, merchant, farmer, soldier,-make me what you wil- but if I do not possess the ability of backslapping, of saying "Yes sir, amigo, compadre, honorable," then I am a useless appendage to society. Why should I work my fingers to the bone, why should I throw on me the ponderous burden of responsibility, when I see that the third cousin in the maternal line of the collateral relative once removed of this leader is given a choice position by virtue of his eminent qualifications for the post, qualifications based not upon the degree of merit according to the Civil Service, but upon the degree of relationship according to the Civil Code. To the youth of the land it may seen anomalous that his leaders, who have been able to climb to their present heights of eminence because of the democratic tenet of equality of opportunity, refuse this same concession-nay, this same right to those who come after them. To the youth of the land it may seem disastrous for his government to content itself with entrusting its services to those who cannot fulfill the demands of those services, and thus sow the seed of discord and lack of faith among a people. To the youth of the land it may seem humorous-for it pays to be humorous when one cannot be anything else. But my leaders say that the youth of the land is parasitic and irresponsible, and our leaders know whereof they speak.
I am the youth of the land. I am inconstant and frivolous. Perhaps I should look to my leaders, they being the embodiment of constancy and serious-mindedness. For, is it not constancy to publicly celebrate innumerable birthdays-that the official calendar shall have 365 days-each day named after one government saint-San Miguel, San Vicente, San Jose, San Ramon, San Joaquin-and birthday upon birthday, celebration upon celebration, contribution upon contribution-to guarantee their political well-wishers many happy returns. It is not constancy to eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may not be renominated? Is it not constancy to perpetually entangle oneself in the melee of party strife, instead of eventually taking the disinterested and constructive attitude of the statesman? For, while the right to vote may be a democratic prerogative, while any man may have the right to run for office, there also exists the democratic right of seeing that the men in office represent their constituents, not the party, that the men in office shall serve the people, not themselves, that the men in office shall be constructive, not destructive. But my leaders say that I am inconstant and frivolous, and our leaders know whereof they speak.
I am the youth of the land. I do not stand before you to whitewash my errors. I admit that the accusations hurled against me are in great part true. But in all justice, in all fairness, in all deference to truth, do not hold me entirely accountable for my failings, do not overburden me with the sins of the world, do not crucify me on a cross I did not fashion.
I For, if you, my accusers, are led astray by the veneer of democracy, if you are deceived by the sham of formality, do not expect that I be serious-minded and constant, do not stand outraged if I flaunt the tinseled trappings of my forebears.
If you, my accusers, those wide open the doors of opportunity to competent and the incompetent, if you welcome the responsible and irresponsible, do not ask that I be competent, do not demand that I be responsible.
If you, my accusers, have not progressed from politics to statesmanship and have done little constructive work at the age of fifty, do not demand that I mature from childhood to manhood, that I move the earth at twenty.
For you, my leaders, are of today and yesterday. Yours was the youthfulness that first saw the light of freedom dawn, mine is the youthful spirit that sees the light of liberty imperilled. Yours was the hand that struck at the heart of an empire; mine, the hand born to build the eternal. Do not train me to a leadership that cannot be mine, do not show me an indolence I can never afford, do not accustom me to an arrogance I shall never enjoy, do not lead me into a way of life I shall never know. For I cannot build without my strength, I cannot suffer without any hopes, I cannot live without my dreams.
I may be youth-I may be inexperienced-but I am not blind. I can see the future with a certainty that I alone can feel, for I feel it in my blood. As I see my leaders who have built a towering mansion of state on sand. and the sand shifts and the towering mansion falls. Not a pillar stands, for all is ruin. and wandering among the shambles and in that mass of ruins I stumble upon the monuments of upturned graves of my leaders. And my soul is black with resentment, and I curse them with a hatred that only youth can possesss, as I state at the bleak sky and wear: May your memory be damned by my destiny! And the picture becomes vaguer, and more fearful in its vagueness, as it comes closer and grows more terrifying in its certainty. And I am alone and helpless in my youth, and I reach forth for a hand to guide me. And what I ask is so little.
Give me leaders who shall lift themselves above the morass of party strife, who shall devote themselves no longer to the privileged minority but to the cause of the underprivileged majority.
Give me leaders who shall lead lives fraught with hardship and sacrifice, who shall demand of themselves before they demand of me.
Give me leaders who shall leave successors tempered in the crucible of merit.
Give me leaders and theirs is my mind to mould. Give me leaders and theirs is my blood to shed. Give me leaders and theirs is my will to command. Give me leaders and theirs is my destiny to shape. Give me leaders-and I shall follow them to the ends of the earth.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Right To Bare Breasts
I love my breasts! I think they're my best physical asset, and I love to show them off. I once tried to argue that I felt it was the same as Heidi Klum modeling her bodacious ass and perfect visage.
In truth, there is something powerful in having what I think is an awesome bust. Female sexuality can be incredibly empowering. I use it two ways- one, the most obvious, is to exploit others er-needs, to get what I want. A simple touch on one's knee can make them many times more open to whatever you have to propose. At times, I wonder if I'm objectifying myself just to get say, someone to chew with their mouth closed. Most of the time I don't have a problem with it.
The second way I use my sexuality to empower myself is when setting goals and tackling difficult tasks. I am a strong woman, I am a smart woman, I can achieve anything!
Perhaps what differs between myself and SOME of my covered-up brethren is that I own my sexuality. I am comfortable, and love, my breasts. I know that by showing cleavage I am not inviting men into my bed, I'm just proud of my body! I think I need to own that attitude too.
Get Off My Shunt! Cardiovascular System in Chalk Art
Sometimes there are bonuses for going to school during the summer. Like studying on your driveway! (Gratuitous Speedy shot of course!)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Turtle Jello Food
Here is my latest batch of Speedy's jello shots:
1 tin President's Choice wet cat food - Seafood
1/4 lb Shrimp
1 box and 2 clearance bags of Spring Mix salad
Berries - in this case, dried cranberries
Pellets
Calcium powder
Gelatin powder
I was going to get another can of tuna or salmon or whatever, but then I was in the pet food aisle and I saw cod/sole/shrimp pâté for 56cents! My mom once snuck Speedy a shrimp and she loved it, so I got a very very small quantity to add to the tiny tin of cat food.
Using the food processor I ground the salad into small, medium, and medium-large pieces. I de-shelled and sauteed the shrimp, then ground that into tiny chunks. I stirred pellets, cut up dried cranberries, the pâté, some calcium powder and the shrimp together. Then I dumped that in with all sizes of salad and mixed it all together. I put a generous helping onto the tip of a spoon for Speedy to taste- she approves! No need to add like...strawberry jam or anything then. Add gelatin powder dissolved into water and spoon it into flexible ice trays, and store in the freezer.
Easy, but so much more healthy than just pellets. Plus it tastes better, I'd think. The only caveat I have is that you have to feed speedy in a separate box, because even with the gelatin it really makes the water dirty.
Kat's Crepe Batter Experiments 2
You may not need 24 hours, but letting your batter sit overnight makes the most decadently thin, light crepes. Even the worst batter is improved drastically.
I would have had a picture for you, but all the crepes I made are in my tummy.
Here is the second recipe:
1 ½ cups of flour
3 eggs
400ml of milk
2 tablespoons of butter
There is so little salt and sugar in the original recipe that I omitted them completely and didn't notice anything missing. I increased the quantity of milk because although having 3 eggs gave it the right viscosity the cooked crepes were kind of chewy. Yuck! Much more milk results in a thinner batter, (easier to spread around!) and thinner crepes, which I could argue are better.
If you're going to double the batch to make immediately, DO NOT put in six eggs. Five eggs will suffice, just add in more milk to get the desired consistency.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Finally! Before and After X-Ray's - Hallux Valgus Surgery
Bilateral - two sides
Hallux - the big toe
Valgus - a genus of beetles. but also, a displacement of a limb AWAY from the midline of the body. The opposite of valgus is varus.
Proximal - close to the end, or close to an attachment in a structure (in this case, a bone)
Metatarsal - feet bones!
Osteotomy - cutting of a bone (osteo = relating to bones, -tomy = chopchopchop?)
So, when you put that together, bilateral means both feet, hallux valgus refers to a displacement of the first toe, proximal metarsal osteotomy refers to cutting the end of a foot bone.
BEFORE: April 15th 2009 - Ew, look at those joints! If you follow the bones up to the ankle they look all squashed up.
1 DAY POST SURGERY - November 24th 2009 - These incredibly painful to take. Now, the x-ray rooms at Scarborough Grace are AWESOME. The whole machine moves on tracks that go up, down, and across the ceiling so I really didn't have to do anything. However, just having my chopped up feet attached to my body was so painful that the little movement required to get the different angles was...less than pleasant. At the time I thought this was a normal amount of pain, but when I think back...OW
17 DAYS POST SURGERY - December 10th 2009 - I cried over these casts/dressings. There was this stupid hard part that kept rubbing against the incisions, and they were so itchy and it was terribly frustrating not to be able to use either of your feet. Plus, as the swelling came down they became looser which just exacerbated the influx of obsessions and compulsions that come with general discomfort, frustration, and pain.
5 WEEKS POST SURGERY - December 30th 2009 - Ah, the fateful day it was decided that my left foot needed a revision. This is also the same day that they discovered the pin had poked out through MY FLESH. (It didn't hurt at all though, isn't that nice?) I was in an exponentially better mood because the dreaded dressings were coming off, (oh, freedom to scratch carefully!) I could peel off that dead skin and rub in some good ol' fashioned vaseline along with the antibiotic for my poor, dried up feet, and I was still on a Boxing Day high.
Coming up next in the adventure:
The revision of my left foot repair on April 19th, 2010. Thankfully scheduled on the last week of first semester so that I could write my exams early, then just sleep through the pain for two weeks without missing out on class. (Of course, I then get to find my way through a percocet haze to pay attention in physics, chemistry II, math II, and anatomy & physiology. Fun.)
Kat's Crepe Batter Experiment - Recipe 1
Crêpes are so versatile. They can be savoury, you can fill them up with a salad (gross!) for a healthy snack, or you can go the complete opposite way and load them up with brown sugar like me, or nutella, bananas, caramel, and nuts (yuck!) like some other people I know.
I’ve been working with a basic crêpe recipe and so far have turned up this yummy, not-too-eggy, almost thin batter.
You need:
1 ½ cups of flour
2 tablespoons of sugar
½ teaspoon of salt
3 eggs
200ml of milk
2 tablespoons of butter
2 medium-large mixing bowls
1 small bowl
1 small cup
1 fork
1 sifter/strainer/thingy
1 non-stick frying pan
1 flipping thing
1 rice server
1. Sift the flour, sugar and salt together into a mixing bowl.
2. Cut the butter up, put it in the small cup and set it in the microwave on low power for about 1 ½ minutes.
3. Beat the eggs in the small bowl.
4. Dump the eggs, milk, and melted butter into flour, sugar, and salt and mix furiously with the fork.
5. Once the wet and dry ingredients are mixed together as well as you can with the fork, place the sifter over the second mixing bowl and push the batter through. This will ensure a well mixed, smooth consistency.
6. Wash the dishes you’ve used! I always wash the dishes I’ve used at this point, I hate having extra clutter around.
7. Set the stove at a medium heat- too high and the crepes will burn before you can turn them or add your fillings, too low and it’ll be slow.
8. A rice server is the perfect size for each crêpe. Ladle in one scoop of batter and tilt the pan until it’s evenly covered.
9. When the edges of the crêpe start to peel off, flip it. You can add your fillings immediately.
10. When the bottom looks done to you, you can set it on a plate to cool and continue cooking, OR you can CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP right away.
This batter keeps well, in fact I find it has a better consistency if you leave it in the fridge for a night. Just stir it well when you use it again. If it’s been more than a week, sniff it to make sure the dairy products haven’t gone bad. Happy crêpe-ing!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Post Surgery Foot Care
Under that tough, dried up skin is more dead skin, and under that dead skin is fresh new skin. Soft and not at all crunchy. So you think, "hey, I want to maintain this post-surgery awesome skin!"
Not to worry, I've got the answer.
Before you get started lay out your tools:
- 1 pair of socks you don't mind getting waxy
- 1 spacer for each foot
- 1 tub of Burt's Bees miracle or hand salve
- 1 tablespoon of baby powder
I especially like this because of the smells...beeswax is so homey and sweet, while baby powder is just one of those scents that makes you kind of happy. Unless you've ever had a baby with diarrhea, in which case I'm not sure baby powder would remind you of happy memories.
Next week, Big Bunny shows you how to keep your ears from getting sunburned.