Dear Doctor

I wanted to tell you many things today. There is some change I want to make, but now I'm scared again. There is a change I've already made, but I decided I couldn't tell you. There are revelations I've had that I think you'd find stupid.

Dear Doctor Gerstein, I wanted you to know something but I don't think you'd listen.
Dear Larry, I'm frightened of tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave empty handed, sotospeak.

I dislike getting rides after therapy because during that ride I forget everything that happened, and I'm left with this strange feeling that I can no longer explain. And when I'm on the bus I can look as sad as I want, but not in front of you, family. God forbid I look weak in front of you.

GOD! GOD, why is this happening?

I should be angry! I should be so pissed about the things you all have said! But instead of that, I just feel terribly sad. Why is it that you all communicate about the things that are wrong?! Why, for once, can't you communicate when something important happens, like I figure something big out and tell you, or something like that... I'm not SCARED to be HAPPY. You dumbass...I don't carry this knife around because I'm scared of happiness! I carry it for the exact opposite! Why are you...just...I feel so uninvolved! You all writing notes to each other, except for Larry because I've never seen him write anything down ever, deciding things without me. About me. Go to hell, honestly.

Just go to hell.

Dear You

This week I realized that I hurt myself when I'm mad at other people.

Stupid, isn't it?

So from now on, I'm hurting them instead.

By the way, I'm not waiting for YOU anymore.

I'm Just Fine.

So guys, I know before I cut down on my "case load" I was getting slammed with crisis (that's plural) left and right, and I couldn't handle it. I'm trying not to slam any of you with one of mine, so I'm just going to write here. First a couple letters-written-never-sent, always a favourite of mine.

Dear Steph and Denyse: (whom I know are never going to read this, and don't know about this, so it's not creepy, right?)
I sound like a broken record, talking about how being at Group* taught me to be assertive. But at home, I didn't talk. As in, something would happen and I wouldn't talk, it kinda felt like I physically couldn't do it. Group gave me a voice and although I'm sure there are lots of people who wish I still didn't talk, it is one of the most important things that has changed for me. When I feel like I can't talk, or when someone isn't listening to me, I feel so helpless and so lost. With a voice I am empowered! So Group does mean a lot to me, it does.

On that note, I feel helpless.

*Okay, in all the books I read they capitalize it because it's this big thing, either something the protagnoist hates or loves or disdains, and I love Group so it gets a capital from me too.

Dear Anna: (ditto the other note about non-creepyness)
I'm not sorry I said your ideas are stupid and you're teaching things wrong, because you are. I think the least I can ask of a teacher is that they know what they teach. Yes, you admitted that you're not certified, so you could at least listen to what your ENTIRE CLASS is saying to you repeatedly. That would be below the bare minimum.

I'm not sorry I said it in front of the entire class, because we all tried to tell you otherwise in more polite ways. If it didn't appear to upset Anthony and Jeffrey so much, I'd do it again, because you STILL DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE.

Some constructive criticism?
1. Listen to your students.
2. Don't teach what you don't know, that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. (That goes for ALL teachers!)
3. BACK OFF. Ever heard of personal space?
4. You might want to stop parading around the fact that you're a "professional musician" because it's making you look really, really bad.

Dear Larry, (ditto for creepyness)
Your attachment to the combination of me, and the phrase "professional patient" irks me greatly. I am not becoming a professional patient, I am trying to become a professional. Spending time I should be using on work researching stuff? That's not professional patient either, that's bad priority setting. You saying that I get something out of being a patient is...well, first of all it's false because I don't feel like you're actually supporting me, but secondly, isn't that the point?

Larry, I want for this to work. I want for you to be the social worker I click with, but you're not. Working with you for the CBT was good, I learned a lot from that workbook you made me do. But honestly, when I tell you I'm sad and I've been thinking about suicide a lot, that's your cue to help me help myself NOT think about it so much- not for you to say, "That's where the borderline comes in!" and launch into another story about your in-laws. I don't...I understand that you've been a social worker for a long time, and you pride yourself on not having to be as professional, but couldn't you at least be helpful? As a support to my friends, I know that when someone says they want to die you don't remind them of a highly unwelcome stigma attached to a disorder and then leave it at that.

I'm too scared to say this to your face. I'm scared because I've let it go on for a really long time, but also because I fear you'd say it's because I don't agree with you. You're right, I don't agree with you, but give me some credit. Sometimes I think YOU'RE the one who takes me being a patient in too much. I'm smart, okay, and I know that this cannot work, and that my treatment is stymied because I'm so fucking frightened, and I don't want that. I want to feel happy consistently, not fleetingly, I want not to be so fucking scared. And yes, I'm a patient, but I'm trying to get to the other side of the room.

Dear Dr. Saxena,
You're short, I hear. Now, you may think that's a tall order coming from someone who is only 5'1", but I mean you're short with people. Now, I've got friends who are/ used to be your patients. Larry will tell you I'm a "professional patient" but I would be more worried if I DIDN'T make friends down at Shoniker. Anyways, they're close to me, as is what usually happens when you spill your secrets and fears in a circle. They tell me that you tend to dismiss things to easily, that you hear what someone is saying and then go, "bah, whatever."

This displeases me. Stop doing that, go take some more classes or something, try active listening, erase all pre-conceptions from your mind and go at it again. If you fail to do these things, you're going to get another letter from Kat. And if my friends report that you're still not listening to them, as is essential to being a counsellor, I will personally go up there in my stilettos and kick your ass. Don't be thinking I'm unstable in heels, cuz doctor, I babysit in these heels and you just better watch out.

And you?
What have I got to say to you...a little while ago I said I wanted to "drop out of school." What I meant was, "take a little break" or "apply to uni as a mature student." I suppose I could go ILC from home too, but right now I really want to focus on NOT WANTING TO KILL MYSELF AT NIGHT. No, I just don't think I'm cut out for school. My brain jumps all over the place, it doesn't stay still enough to do shit. And I would never make it at a traditional school because teachers are so freaken HOSTILE. I'm not making it at Triangle because I can't "play the game" nor do I abide by wasting my time. Here's my dissertation on that:

(That's right, dissertation!) I spend a lot of time wanting to die, but when I don't want to die, I'm really productive. So! When I want to live, I want to get things done. I don't want to follow your arbitrary stupid rules if it means wasting my time. I want to live while I still want to. Got that?

Fabulous, oh, I'm such an academic. Amazing! One paragraph disseratation! What the hell IS a dissertation anyways? No I shan't google it! That's all for today folks, I've typed a shitload and still cannot work out the mess in my head in a satisfactory manner. Till the sun turns black!

Playing The Game

[a.eve] 1598: what holds us up says:
okay
i don't know what "play the game" means

|| ****. || Finale || says:
sit through it
obey obediently
grit your teeth

Oh my god! If that's what "play the game" means then I don't want to play. That sounds hideously like my entire life so far, and I finally feel brave enough to stop playing. I've sat through my parents, coming out, being diagnosed, all the fun perks that come with being diagnosed, (I'll get to that another time) and 14-15 odd years of slogging through make-work and empty hours.

I think I'll pass on continuing this pattern. With CBT and meds and especially Group I've learned to voice my opinions and feelings, rather than letting it stew all up in my head. I know, everything in moderation, so I'm consciously trying to improve my listening skills and working out this new emotion in my repertoire, anger. I haven't felt more than passing spurts of anger and rages that never make their way onto my face, but things change and I am more than just depressed. I am someone who can take action.

I can work with a little make-work and dumb obedience, but I have a voice now and refuse to be dumb. If there is time for inane assignments and impossible tasks then that time can be used to learn more, to do what we're in school for. And if we're going to learn, we should learn things properly. We no longer use books that say, "one day we'll be on the moon," why should we learn incorrect and outdated practices?

My way? If things were going my way I wouldn't be living at home, but I allowed people to pressure me while I was in the hospital. I didn't use my voice. I wouldn't be dealing with this "professional patient" crap because I would have been able to say all the things Karl and I say on the streetcar home. I wouldn't find every session a struggle because I would have said something and found workers who fit. Ha, I wouldn't still be hiding my food.

I've spent all of high school wishing I were dead, and now that I only think that at night I want to make up for things that I've missed, even though I've gathered more responsibilities than I had bargained for, and time is ticking. I want to live life while I still want to!

All About Halloween

Haha, okay, you caught me, those aren't costumes they're just really scary super fuzzy bug like thingies.

I read this column on After Ellen, and it reinforced my idea from last year. So I tell Pau, "I'm going to be a lesbian for Halloween!"

"Kat, don't be a loser. You gotta dress up this year."

Oh. Oh, right. So I clarified you know, "I mean Ellen the Lesbian!" See, last year I wanted to do it but the whole Asian-girl-wears-blond-wig thing would just remind me of some seriously distressing childhood memories. But this year, I'm on Cymbalta, I'm brave. (Haha, like that has anything to do with it...) So I look at my clothes and right away I realize there's something missing. Oh my god, I don't own a sweater like Ellen would wear. So I'm gonna have to work this out really well, maybe find my old contacts...can you do that? I'm just not that sure where to put my real hair when I put on the wig.

A Shocking New Study Completed By Kat

I have done a vast amount of research and have come to this conclusion.

A lot of adults are big whiners.

Yes, you heard it here first. Today I encountered a man who stomped his foot and went, "wahhhhhhh!" when I stepped on his heel in the bus. I don't know if he realized, but we were in a moving vehicle packed with people.

My mom can hold a grudge like no four-year-old can. She will get angry and stay angry over something she has already forgotten has happened. She has held grudges for years and years.

If my dad has to miss a TV show, he sulks for ages. He will cross his arms and refuse to use words to talk to people, preferring instead to use a series of grunts.

My brother refuses to wait for anything. If he has to sit there for more than a couple seconds, he will stalk/walk/drive away as fast as he can, much like my nephew on his big wheel.

A lot of teachers are nitpicky about stupid things like which synonym they like better. If a student refuses to follow their every minute rule, they'll act cold towards him/her.

A person waiting for a bus with a long line will often wander around until the bus comes, then appear out of nowhere to be first on. I once heard a deep masculine voice from behind me yell out, "Hey, you budded!!!"

If you happen to get on my nerves I'll smack you.

My cousin has tried to dump all of his three children on other people when it's time for a diaper change because it's soooooo gross.

Once I watched a former wife and husband at the clinic. The wife spent her kids entire half hour session picking at the husband like a chicken, "Oh you don't know how hard it is!" "Now do you see what I mean?" "You never do anything!" while he just sat there sighing.

Please write in for more ways people are whiners!!!

Today

Today was...a mixture of things. I had to go see the oral surgeon today and on the way managed to piss off my mother. I refused to help her load some more junk into the van. The basement and garage of our house is piled to the ceiling with similar stuff, and my parents had sworn to cut down on the clutter. So anyways, she hauled this big purple store spinner into the van herself and got into the car and turned off the radio. I thought that it had turned off by accident so I poked at it myself, and she snapped, "Just leave it!"

Ahhhhh, this old trick.

Immediately I was doubly reminded of why I take the bus so goddamn much.
1. I usually get to places on time because I'm not waiting for someone to take me- or for someone to put shit in the car.
2. My mother always pulls this crap.

She may not think of it so clearly, but I know that she always turns off the radio when she's mad to amp up the tension. The silence grows and her anger is made known. So she tried this same thing on the way home, and I said, "Way to add to the tension" and turned the radio back on. Now she knows why she does it in a clear, concrete way. My mother being who she is, she said, "What tension?" and smacked it off.

She got pissed and asked me when I wanted to get out of the car and take the bus home. I had no intention of doing so, but I had thought of asking her to drop me at the library before she had gotten mad, so I said Alton Towers.

Lovely. I jumped out of the van and went for the park, to sit and try to find G-d*. (It is Yom Kippur, whether my mom is throwing a tantrum or not.) I failed. I really wanted to someone to talk to about this, and whaddoyaknow, Mr Francis, my grade eight teacher walks out of the school. So I passed by and chatted with him, "Val's at Western, she's fine, Shortman is still okay..." blahblahblah. Nothing. (I am reminded of PTSW telling me I needed adults I could trust in my life, who don't come from the hospital.)

So I went to the library, tried to find books on Judaica and failed, and instead found a cute book on 100 things everyone should know, a Get Fuzzy comic book, and a book on renting spaces in Toronto. I also found G-d. It was really hard, because I've got all this nonsense flying around my head all the time, and I usually try to take care of the nonsense so I can concentrate but lately there's been more of it... I did the traditional thing, I apologized to G-d for trying to kill myself last year.

But then I added, "I'd probably try to finish it off at the right time and opportunity." G-d would totally know that I'm secretly thinking that! Why apologize for something I will probably repeat? I talked some more with G-d, "You know how I feel at those times, and I don't think it would be so bad if I did succeed." I chatted some more, telling G-d stuff and explaining my own personal brand of religion.

"Did you give me mental illness as a punishment? I don't remember doing anything really wrong as a kid! So I don't think you're doing this to punish me. But my mind, G-d? Of all things? Did you hear me last night, wishing I had a tumour or something instead? Something real and tangible where people wouldn't say stupid things about it? I still mean it, I would trade this for cancer."

Later on I was talking about what G-d thinks is right, "Well, it's not like you're going to tell me. This is an entirely one-sided conversation as it is. I think once we figure out what is right and wrong ourselves, that's what you go on. I don't think cutting is wrong because it's how I express myself and release my inner tension. Does this Catholic Church think that? Yea, it's totally wrong to them! But for me it's not, and I think that's good enough for you G-d."

I told G-d I would pass it on through my blog, so this is what I'm doing. My mother is still mad, and that junk is still in the van, taking up space along with yesterdays groceries because there is no where to put it in this house, and I'm still a cutter, and I'm still not sure if G-d exists or not, (another theme we had to our conversation) but I feel better.

There is no shofar around here, but for me the fast will be over soon. I wish I could learn more than just what I look up online! Anyways, G-d and I, we're good. G-d understands me, G-d gets that I'm going to falter and that I'm trying my best this year and that I'm not even sure if I believe in G-d, because it's not like G-d is going to tell me or anything. I think...I think G-d gets that too.

*I'm leaving out the vowels today in respect to Judaism.
**In respect to the fact that we do not know anything about G-d, I'm leaving out pronouns as well.

Confession.

Thursday is Yom Kippur. When I studied Judaism I learned that Yom Kippur is also called the Day of Atonement, and is the most important Jewish holiday. I heard Atonement and thought, "Ah! The equivalent to confession!" But I was wrong, because someone told me today that it is a period of introspection. (Completely different from my idea of the Sacrament of Confession.) Actually, I think Yom Kippur coincides better with Good Friday, because that's when Catholics fast. Of course, they're six months apart and almost totally different, because Good Friday is when Jesus died.

How strange that a religion has an entire week for introspection! How strange that a religion encourages this! Of course, I'm used to the more militant version of the Roman Catholic Church, so perhaps other churches are not quite as scary as mine. I know that I'm in my head a lot- which is mostly why I'm so slow to respond, it takes a while for all my circuits to get going- but I haven't really thought about my True Being, as it is. Mostly just trying to get through this...

So I shall contemplate my True Being, the person I am and the person I am going to be. I will not think about treatment, or academics, or what people expect of me, or think of me, or want of me! I'm almost certain that I've taken a major detour.

There was something I wanted to confess, but I'll save that one for my diary.

Kat's Ideas

1. A Turtle Gym
Kind of like those toddler gyms, but for turtles! A lot of tunnels and things to climb, slide, and hide in for the little critter in your house. I wonder if they make those hamster habitats in jumbo size...

2. My DSM
For too long have patients been uninvolved in the diagnostic process! Filling in bubble sheets has never been sufficient. Now with this new open-source website patients and health care professionals can all contribute to a personal DSM-V that fits better and actually means something more than a pile of jargon.

Retro Revision: Spin on An Old Classic

I took this quiz in January, 2006. I'm taking it again 2.5 years later. Let's see the difference, the previous answers are first followed by a forward slash and my current answer.

1. name: Kat
2. single or taken: Tagle/ Completely and totally single
3. sex: Female, / and my gender is female too!
4. bday: May 10th
5. sign: Taurus, Horse
6. siblings: Older brother
7. hair colour: Brown
8. eye color: Brown
9. height: 5' / 5'1

lovers & friends
1. who are your best friends?: 123/ Pauline, Christine, Valerie
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No/ Obviously not, as I'm single.
3. did you send this to your crush?: No/ I haven't been attracted to anyone in five years.
4. did your crush send this to you?: Nope/ See above.

fashion
1. where is your favourite place to shop: Garage, AE/ Smart Set, I guess I matured a bit
2. any tattoos or piercing: ears? / double ear piercings, soon to be tattoo

specitics
1. do you do drugs?: everyday. are you jk? i am./ everyday
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: fructis/ herbal essences
4. what are you listening to right now?: the tv/ the sound of my keyboard
5. who is the last person that called you?: k2/ Christine
6. where do you want to get married?: church / in a park
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 16 / 22
8. what would you change about yourself?: everything. / my layer of fat, my brain chemistry, my height, my freakish low blood pressure (I'm always cold), my dry skin.

favourites
1. colour: pilurple / still pilurple (pi-lur-ple)
2. food: choklitte / uhm, definitely chocolate still!
3. boys names: adrian / adrien, matt, dex
4. girls names: aeriana / aeriana, eve, anastasia
6. animals: bunnies / bunnies, turtles, seals, otter, cats, dogs
7. sports: soccer, baseball, tennis, badminton / soccer, baseball, tennis, badminton

have you ever..
1. given anyone a bath?: yep / yes
2. smoked?: nope / yes
3. bungee jumped?: nope / nooo
4. made yourself throw up?: yes..but i was sick. / yea, I had this major stomach bug and I just wanted it out! It helped that it wanted out too, I threw up constantly for three days
5. skinny dipped?: nope / no, where would I do that?
6: ever been in love?: yeah, i suppose / yes, I love my lolo and lola and turtle and bunnies very much
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: many times / once.
8. pictured your crush naked?: nope / What crush?
9. actually seen your crush naked?: nope / What crush?
10. cried when someone died?: yeah / Yes, unfortunately they were TV characters. I am lucky enough to never have had someone close to me die.
11. lied: yes / Like a lying machine!
12. fallen for your best friend?: nope / Nope, not genuinely.
13. been rejected?: ionno? kinda? / Only for part-time retail jobs.
14. rejected someone?: nope / Yes, adamently.
15. used someone?: yeah...i used her to get choklitte. from the magical elf. in toyland. / I suppose so, though I can't think of when I have...
16. done something you regret?: everything. / A miscalculation last fall, a stupid thing 2 years ago, several small things

clothes: track jacket, umm...a watchathingy...a...bath thingy?/ my sweaters, my new winter jacket, my collection of hats
music: nothing / musicals and old school stuff
make-up: nothing / touch of eyeliner and some lipstick, though most of the time I go au natural
pet peeve: lack of choklitte / improper grammar!
smell: choklitte (not kidding) / Big Bunny
desktop picture: flowers / random picture from Day Hospital
favourite artist: olp, nickelback / Julie Andrews
favourite groups: GO12 / Bear4ce1, that ones a joke!
book you are reading: handmaid's tale, oryx and crake, sixteen / another day in the frontal lobe and bloodletting again
cd in player: the killers (thanks michelle!) / Juno soundtrack
dvd in player: the one...about the boxer...the female one...who got euthanized / TEDtalks
colour of toenails: the same colour they were yesterday / natural, they were bright pink until I tripped and ripped off some of my toe skin and half my nail polish. Pau was there.

last person..
you touched: does big bunny count? / Big Bunny, if not, Regular Bunny, if not, Elephant, if not, Speedy.
im'ed: vvn / Nelson-Shortman, right now
yelled at: carlo / This scary maniken (sp?) at Sears, before Pau and Christine got there
You kissed: does big bunny count? / Big Bunny, if not, probably Speedy, if not, probably Regular Bunny

you are..
Understanding: never / I try to be always
Arrogant: always / Occasionally
Insecure: forever / All the time
Interesting: not a chance / Apparently constantly!
Random: definately / Most of the time
Smart: nope / I think I am, it's just hidden under weird brain-ness
Moody: only everyday of my life / Pathologically so, unfortunately I haven't any clue what my "real" moods are, that is, moods that are not part of an affective disorder or my medications
Organized: i can be / Extremely, again, pathologically so.
Healthy: *cough* ex-er-cise? / I live on processed foods and my exercise is the TTC, which is actually sufficient. I spend so much time on the TTC and going up stairs and walking and stuff it actually constitutes a work out.
Bored easily: yep / Lately, so bored that I become a bitch or SI.
Shy: i can be / At times I am incredibly shy, i.e. anxiety disorders. Others I am wildly confident or brave. =)
Difficult: yep / Yes, definitely.
Attractive: nope / I suppose sometimes I am.
Messy: sometimes / Occasionally, yes.
Responsible: no / Yes, very much so.
Hyper: occasionally... / There's the odd time I'll have gobs of energy.
Happy: no / No, no not at all.
Trusting: no / Barely.
Talkative: yep / Yes, when I talk I TALK.

if you could you would..
Kill: the person who made choklitte not free. / Can I kill concepts? Hate and misunderstanding.
Slap: *cough* / Sometimes my doctors and social worker, usually anyone around me.
Get really wasted with?: (*creepy voice from that movie) i'll never tell... / Shortman-Nelson.
Get high with: (*sigh) repeat creepy voice. / Shortman-Nelson, Pau, Christine, Val, Edith, Vanessa, Michelle, Karl...
Talk to offline: God. / God, yea.
Talk to online: God. can i do that? (*lightning strikes.) guess not. / God again!

In the morning: i try to forget / I'm disappointed that I've woken up again.
All I need is: choklitte / Love!
Love is: math. (read dictionary part ii, see "kopach") / According to one womans research, similar to the effects of cocaine on the brain as well as a veritable shower of dopamine.
I dream about: babies, agenda's, failure / Speedy, Bunny, ER, boats, airplanes, lots of boats, failure, abandonment, anger, loss, being chased, getting lost, neglect.

Coke or Pepsi: coke / Coke.
Flowers or candy: CAAAAAANDY / Candy of course!
Tall or short: short / Short, talking to tall people makes my neck hurt.

What do you notice first: eyelashes / Percieved approachability.
Makes you laugh the most: big bunny / Animal antics.
Makes you smile: big bunny / Big Bunny and Speedy
Sit on the Internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Sometimes. Come on Ellen DeGeneres, MSN me!
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: nope. / I'm quite happy in my body.
Wish you were younger: sometimes... / Not really. When I was younger I was untreated and unaware and therefore more scared and powerless and sad, now I'm all those things but I have the power that four years of treatment has given me.
Cried because someone said something to you?: yes

I know: i like juice. and cheese. / A lot about psychiatry, some about anatomy and physiology, a little more about genetics, even more about cytology, and a lot of random facts but not as much as Eve.
I want: to forget. / to get better, to be happy, to be functional most of the time.
I have: no more cheese or choklitte. (*eyes brother's stash.) / $500 worth of medication and a priceless amount of human experience. Amex, even Ellen uses it. That's all serious, minus the amex bit.
I wish: i could fly. / I could do all the things in my previous post, right now.
I hate: many things. / People who chew with their mouths open, people who eat nuts on the bus, people who are rude, people who get up in my personal space, people who discount me because of my mental issues, but all of these are really more like dislikes. I really, really hate being bored.
I hear: my brother...(*decides not to eat choklitte) / Myself chewing chocolate...really, I do.
I search: endlessly / For god, for knowledge, for hiding places and secret spaces, I search for reasons and the beyond.
I regret: my life / My inability to speak at times when voice is vital.
I love: choklitte / Lola, Lolo, Tito Joe, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Elephant, Speedy, Guyzeeland, Alexandria, Carlo, Christine, Ella, Jake, Jessica, Joshua, Logan, Nathan, Nayah, RJ, Tristan, Pau, Christine, Shortman-Nelson, Valerie, Vanessa, Michelle, etc...

more randomness
1. Do you like fillings these out? not when they're this long... / It's nice now that I can see the differences.
2. How many people are you sending this to? the blogger world? / The blog and facebook world, probably tag some people I've mentioned.
3. Who will send it back? those who have no time to waste yet insist on doing it. (like me!) / Ditto 2006 answer.
4. Gold or silver: silver / Silver, gold just kinda washes out on not-white/black people.
5. Favourite cartoon/anime: i forgot... / Strawberry Panic Strawberry Panic EEEE!!!
6. What did you have for breakfast this morning: break-fast? / Milk chocolate covered mini-oreos and diet coke from the bottle. I haven't left my room yet.
7. Who would you love being locked in a room with: a maminal. / Julie Andrews or Ellen DeGeneres or Sarah Warn or a nice female doctor who can teach me stuff.
8. Could you live without your computer: (*laughs) no! (*eyes widen.) / God no. When my laptop was broken I did kinda, because I hate using the family computer, but no. My laptop cuts through a lot of the OCD stuff that bugs me and it has Sims2 on it.
9. Would you colour your hair: yea / I have, several times, all the same colour.
10. Could you ever get off the computer: umm....yea? / I'm not ON a computer, I'm using one. So yes, of course!
11. habla espanol?: me no habla espanol. que? / I can read it mostly!
12. how many people are on your buddy list?: way more than i can keep track of. / 74, I did a paring down to just people I'd imagine I'd talk to.
13. drink alcohol? i wish. no i can't take it, i'm lying. it tastes ICKY. / Yes.
14. like watching sunrises or sunsets?: sunsets...then you know it's over, for the day. / Yes.
15. what hurts the most?: when you open the cookie/cheese jar...and it's empty. *tear. / Being ignored.
16. best words ever?: foff. / Stick, splint, free, believe, advocate.
17. what now?: I'm going to get dressed, there's a major sale at the Big Al's on Kennedy. Looks like Speedy is gettin some new shit!

If I had 999 trillion dollars...(and a magic wand)

If I had nine-hundred-ninety-nine-trillion dollars!

I would overhaul the health care system.

I would implement a system for foreign-trained health professionals, where they would take a test to maintain a standard level and then a month(plus) course to update them on practises in Canada. i.e. What is called a bovary here is called an electric cauterizer in England. Everyone gets a "rapid residency" of one year in their specialty.

I would entice those foreign-trained doctos to practise family medicine so that the people of Ontario will no longer have to resort to the ER for treatment, thus relieving some of the stresses on ER's and providing constant care rather than pockets of ER visits where no one knows your history.

I would make all health-care professions a continous learning process where people like doctors and CYW's and everything go to inservices to update their knowledge, say every 5-10 years.

I would get all the hospitals and clinics and stuff to budget smartly for the next 10 years. The government will use some of that surplus we used to have to cover deficits and provide a capital for a pseudo-reincarnation of the system. Cut costs and be exact with the number books, all the way down to small things like free-for-all plastic utensils in the caf- which should be recyclable by the way.

I would set up an electronic records system. Gone are the days of seeing one doctor, then trying to remember it all for another doctor who will have to confirm it with the previous doctor anyways. Since I'm obsessive-compulsive I'll take care of how to organize the information, the rest of y'all work on how to keep it confidential and crash proof. Of course, technology isn't perfect so hard copies, (printed on recycled paper) will still be mandatory.

I would make the TTC not suck.

I would expand the subway system for sure. Gone are the days of taking a subway, LRT, and bus just to get far enough East to get to the hospital. Gone are the days of faulty signal lights and fires on the tracks, gone are the days of taking a bus where there should be a subway line. Ever wonder why that little purple line has so few travelers? Because it doesn't go anywhere!

I would make a deal with an eco-friendly cleaning company to scrub down TTC vehicles every once in a while. Litter, lights, and dirt build-up are all important. Of course I would print a TTC ettiquette mini-book that is available in .pdf and .jpg, as well as when you get a Metropass or stack of tickets/tokens. It will be folded to eliminate the need for staples and be re-usable. I would expand the number of "put your used newspaper here" stacks.

I would try to work out a deal with the GTA transit systems so we can have an all-access pass system instead of this extra-ticket here with a VIVA there and a GO bus there crap. I'd also outlaw eating nuts on the TTC. I'm itchy enough, come on! I would try to make public transit preferred over cars.

I would make every school an alternative school.

I would change the way students are taught. The last time I was in a traditional school was in elementary school, but I know it's not working. The TA system works, I like that. You have a teacher with a small group of students whose overall wellbeing is looked after. I would hire only teachers who like to teach. 1-2 PA Day's a year I would create programming to incite passion in teachers who are dissatisfied. If they want to get out of teaching, there are several government programs already in place, (not in my imagination!) to get them started on a second career. An unhappy teacher is a whole pile of unhappy students.

I would swap out this pre-requisite thing. If I want to go to Medical School, this is the most straightforward path:
I would take my MCAT's after studying life sciences as my undergrad. To study life sciences, I need university-preparation sciences and maths as a senior in high school. To take university-prep sciences and maths I need to take academic streamed sciences and maths as a junior in high school. To take those academic streamed courses I need to thrive in elementary school so I have a good foundation.

I would change the hostile environment of schools. If a student who is having a hard time comes up to you and asks for help, don't be snarky. If a student walks into a guidance office to say, get help deciding if their current course load is too heavy or not, don't tell them what they can't do, tell them what they CAN. Don't make things harder for students on purpose, that's just stupid and discouraging to them, which is the opposite of what teachers are supposed to do! This means university too!

I would... get really tired and go to bed.

Stuff I don't have the energy for right now...
- affordable daycare
- a cool car for shortman
- a whole lot of real estate for me
- sustainable economy
- make all garbage boxes the small sized bins
- expand kitchen waste to apartment buildings and etc.
- create a "minimum benefits" package, where the least a company can do for even a minimum wage employee is offer a drug plan
- study geriatrics, adolescent medicine, AND psychiatry
- find someone who will fix Big Bunny
- buy a lot of Pilot G4 pens and so-en panties
- make elective surgeries partly covered by OHIP unless it's purely cosmetic, i.e. lip botox is not covered but wisdom teeth extraction is partially covered
- make the gay village everywhere
- block all members of the westborough baptist church from entering Canada
- clean up Lake Ontario and the Mary Ward pond
- screw the tobacco companies and CFC giants, no smoking and we're keeping the ozone layer!
- more public spaces with stuff, like places to knit and place instruments and punch stuff
- go to TED
- redesign my m&m phone so it's more comfortable to hold
- have my entire houses CLEANED
- buy shoes and handbags and clothes and candy
- make an actual Guyzeeland
- make Speedy a wonderworld with a giant tank and an exciting room to explore
- get a good haircut
- have pets
- get a post-shower dryer where you just stand there and *whew* you're dry and moisturized