I'm Just Fine.

So guys, I know before I cut down on my "case load" I was getting slammed with crisis (that's plural) left and right, and I couldn't handle it. I'm trying not to slam any of you with one of mine, so I'm just going to write here. First a couple letters-written-never-sent, always a favourite of mine.

Dear Steph and Denyse: (whom I know are never going to read this, and don't know about this, so it's not creepy, right?)
I sound like a broken record, talking about how being at Group* taught me to be assertive. But at home, I didn't talk. As in, something would happen and I wouldn't talk, it kinda felt like I physically couldn't do it. Group gave me a voice and although I'm sure there are lots of people who wish I still didn't talk, it is one of the most important things that has changed for me. When I feel like I can't talk, or when someone isn't listening to me, I feel so helpless and so lost. With a voice I am empowered! So Group does mean a lot to me, it does.

On that note, I feel helpless.

*Okay, in all the books I read they capitalize it because it's this big thing, either something the protagnoist hates or loves or disdains, and I love Group so it gets a capital from me too.

Dear Anna: (ditto the other note about non-creepyness)
I'm not sorry I said your ideas are stupid and you're teaching things wrong, because you are. I think the least I can ask of a teacher is that they know what they teach. Yes, you admitted that you're not certified, so you could at least listen to what your ENTIRE CLASS is saying to you repeatedly. That would be below the bare minimum.

I'm not sorry I said it in front of the entire class, because we all tried to tell you otherwise in more polite ways. If it didn't appear to upset Anthony and Jeffrey so much, I'd do it again, because you STILL DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE.

Some constructive criticism?
1. Listen to your students.
2. Don't teach what you don't know, that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. (That goes for ALL teachers!)
3. BACK OFF. Ever heard of personal space?
4. You might want to stop parading around the fact that you're a "professional musician" because it's making you look really, really bad.

Dear Larry, (ditto for creepyness)
Your attachment to the combination of me, and the phrase "professional patient" irks me greatly. I am not becoming a professional patient, I am trying to become a professional. Spending time I should be using on work researching stuff? That's not professional patient either, that's bad priority setting. You saying that I get something out of being a patient is...well, first of all it's false because I don't feel like you're actually supporting me, but secondly, isn't that the point?

Larry, I want for this to work. I want for you to be the social worker I click with, but you're not. Working with you for the CBT was good, I learned a lot from that workbook you made me do. But honestly, when I tell you I'm sad and I've been thinking about suicide a lot, that's your cue to help me help myself NOT think about it so much- not for you to say, "That's where the borderline comes in!" and launch into another story about your in-laws. I don't...I understand that you've been a social worker for a long time, and you pride yourself on not having to be as professional, but couldn't you at least be helpful? As a support to my friends, I know that when someone says they want to die you don't remind them of a highly unwelcome stigma attached to a disorder and then leave it at that.

I'm too scared to say this to your face. I'm scared because I've let it go on for a really long time, but also because I fear you'd say it's because I don't agree with you. You're right, I don't agree with you, but give me some credit. Sometimes I think YOU'RE the one who takes me being a patient in too much. I'm smart, okay, and I know that this cannot work, and that my treatment is stymied because I'm so fucking frightened, and I don't want that. I want to feel happy consistently, not fleetingly, I want not to be so fucking scared. And yes, I'm a patient, but I'm trying to get to the other side of the room.

Dear Dr. Saxena,
You're short, I hear. Now, you may think that's a tall order coming from someone who is only 5'1", but I mean you're short with people. Now, I've got friends who are/ used to be your patients. Larry will tell you I'm a "professional patient" but I would be more worried if I DIDN'T make friends down at Shoniker. Anyways, they're close to me, as is what usually happens when you spill your secrets and fears in a circle. They tell me that you tend to dismiss things to easily, that you hear what someone is saying and then go, "bah, whatever."

This displeases me. Stop doing that, go take some more classes or something, try active listening, erase all pre-conceptions from your mind and go at it again. If you fail to do these things, you're going to get another letter from Kat. And if my friends report that you're still not listening to them, as is essential to being a counsellor, I will personally go up there in my stilettos and kick your ass. Don't be thinking I'm unstable in heels, cuz doctor, I babysit in these heels and you just better watch out.

And you?
What have I got to say to you...a little while ago I said I wanted to "drop out of school." What I meant was, "take a little break" or "apply to uni as a mature student." I suppose I could go ILC from home too, but right now I really want to focus on NOT WANTING TO KILL MYSELF AT NIGHT. No, I just don't think I'm cut out for school. My brain jumps all over the place, it doesn't stay still enough to do shit. And I would never make it at a traditional school because teachers are so freaken HOSTILE. I'm not making it at Triangle because I can't "play the game" nor do I abide by wasting my time. Here's my dissertation on that:

(That's right, dissertation!) I spend a lot of time wanting to die, but when I don't want to die, I'm really productive. So! When I want to live, I want to get things done. I don't want to follow your arbitrary stupid rules if it means wasting my time. I want to live while I still want to. Got that?

Fabulous, oh, I'm such an academic. Amazing! One paragraph disseratation! What the hell IS a dissertation anyways? No I shan't google it! That's all for today folks, I've typed a shitload and still cannot work out the mess in my head in a satisfactory manner. Till the sun turns black!