Today

Today was...a mixture of things. I had to go see the oral surgeon today and on the way managed to piss off my mother. I refused to help her load some more junk into the van. The basement and garage of our house is piled to the ceiling with similar stuff, and my parents had sworn to cut down on the clutter. So anyways, she hauled this big purple store spinner into the van herself and got into the car and turned off the radio. I thought that it had turned off by accident so I poked at it myself, and she snapped, "Just leave it!"

Ahhhhh, this old trick.

Immediately I was doubly reminded of why I take the bus so goddamn much.
1. I usually get to places on time because I'm not waiting for someone to take me- or for someone to put shit in the car.
2. My mother always pulls this crap.

She may not think of it so clearly, but I know that she always turns off the radio when she's mad to amp up the tension. The silence grows and her anger is made known. So she tried this same thing on the way home, and I said, "Way to add to the tension" and turned the radio back on. Now she knows why she does it in a clear, concrete way. My mother being who she is, she said, "What tension?" and smacked it off.

She got pissed and asked me when I wanted to get out of the car and take the bus home. I had no intention of doing so, but I had thought of asking her to drop me at the library before she had gotten mad, so I said Alton Towers.

Lovely. I jumped out of the van and went for the park, to sit and try to find G-d*. (It is Yom Kippur, whether my mom is throwing a tantrum or not.) I failed. I really wanted to someone to talk to about this, and whaddoyaknow, Mr Francis, my grade eight teacher walks out of the school. So I passed by and chatted with him, "Val's at Western, she's fine, Shortman is still okay..." blahblahblah. Nothing. (I am reminded of PTSW telling me I needed adults I could trust in my life, who don't come from the hospital.)

So I went to the library, tried to find books on Judaica and failed, and instead found a cute book on 100 things everyone should know, a Get Fuzzy comic book, and a book on renting spaces in Toronto. I also found G-d. It was really hard, because I've got all this nonsense flying around my head all the time, and I usually try to take care of the nonsense so I can concentrate but lately there's been more of it... I did the traditional thing, I apologized to G-d for trying to kill myself last year.

But then I added, "I'd probably try to finish it off at the right time and opportunity." G-d would totally know that I'm secretly thinking that! Why apologize for something I will probably repeat? I talked some more with G-d, "You know how I feel at those times, and I don't think it would be so bad if I did succeed." I chatted some more, telling G-d stuff and explaining my own personal brand of religion.

"Did you give me mental illness as a punishment? I don't remember doing anything really wrong as a kid! So I don't think you're doing this to punish me. But my mind, G-d? Of all things? Did you hear me last night, wishing I had a tumour or something instead? Something real and tangible where people wouldn't say stupid things about it? I still mean it, I would trade this for cancer."

Later on I was talking about what G-d thinks is right, "Well, it's not like you're going to tell me. This is an entirely one-sided conversation as it is. I think once we figure out what is right and wrong ourselves, that's what you go on. I don't think cutting is wrong because it's how I express myself and release my inner tension. Does this Catholic Church think that? Yea, it's totally wrong to them! But for me it's not, and I think that's good enough for you G-d."

I told G-d I would pass it on through my blog, so this is what I'm doing. My mother is still mad, and that junk is still in the van, taking up space along with yesterdays groceries because there is no where to put it in this house, and I'm still a cutter, and I'm still not sure if G-d exists or not, (another theme we had to our conversation) but I feel better.

There is no shofar around here, but for me the fast will be over soon. I wish I could learn more than just what I look up online! Anyways, G-d and I, we're good. G-d understands me, G-d gets that I'm going to falter and that I'm trying my best this year and that I'm not even sure if I believe in G-d, because it's not like G-d is going to tell me or anything. I think...I think G-d gets that too.

*I'm leaving out the vowels today in respect to Judaism.
**In respect to the fact that we do not know anything about G-d, I'm leaving out pronouns as well.