Playing The Game

[a.eve] 1598: what holds us up says:
okay
i don't know what "play the game" means

|| ****. || Finale || says:
sit through it
obey obediently
grit your teeth

Oh my god! If that's what "play the game" means then I don't want to play. That sounds hideously like my entire life so far, and I finally feel brave enough to stop playing. I've sat through my parents, coming out, being diagnosed, all the fun perks that come with being diagnosed, (I'll get to that another time) and 14-15 odd years of slogging through make-work and empty hours.

I think I'll pass on continuing this pattern. With CBT and meds and especially Group I've learned to voice my opinions and feelings, rather than letting it stew all up in my head. I know, everything in moderation, so I'm consciously trying to improve my listening skills and working out this new emotion in my repertoire, anger. I haven't felt more than passing spurts of anger and rages that never make their way onto my face, but things change and I am more than just depressed. I am someone who can take action.

I can work with a little make-work and dumb obedience, but I have a voice now and refuse to be dumb. If there is time for inane assignments and impossible tasks then that time can be used to learn more, to do what we're in school for. And if we're going to learn, we should learn things properly. We no longer use books that say, "one day we'll be on the moon," why should we learn incorrect and outdated practices?

My way? If things were going my way I wouldn't be living at home, but I allowed people to pressure me while I was in the hospital. I didn't use my voice. I wouldn't be dealing with this "professional patient" crap because I would have been able to say all the things Karl and I say on the streetcar home. I wouldn't find every session a struggle because I would have said something and found workers who fit. Ha, I wouldn't still be hiding my food.

I've spent all of high school wishing I were dead, and now that I only think that at night I want to make up for things that I've missed, even though I've gathered more responsibilities than I had bargained for, and time is ticking. I want to live life while I still want to!