Haha, okay, you caught me, those aren't costumes they're just really scary super fuzzy bug like thingies.
I read this column on After Ellen, and it reinforced my idea from last year. So I tell Pau, "I'm going to be a lesbian for Halloween!"
"Kat, don't be a loser. You gotta dress up this year."
Oh. Oh, right. So I clarified you know, "I mean Ellen the Lesbian!" See, last year I wanted to do it but the whole Asian-girl-wears-blond-wig thing would just remind me of some seriously distressing childhood memories. But this year, I'm on Cymbalta, I'm brave. (Haha, like that has anything to do with it...) So I look at my clothes and right away I realize there's something missing. Oh my god, I don't own a sweater like Ellen would wear. So I'm gonna have to work this out really well, maybe find my old contacts...can you do that? I'm just not that sure where to put my real hair when I put on the wig.
I have done a vast amount of research and have come to this conclusion. A lot of adults are big whiners.
Yes, you heard it here first. Today I encountered a man who stomped his foot and went, "wahhhhhhh!" when I stepped on his heel in the bus. I don't know if he realized, but we were in a moving vehicle packed with people.
My mom can hold a grudge like no four-year-old can. She will get angry and stay angry over something she has already forgotten has happened. She has held grudges for years and years.
If my dad has to miss a TV show, he sulks for ages. He will cross his arms and refuse to use words to talk to people, preferring instead to use a series of grunts.
My brother refuses to wait for anything. If he has to sit there for more than a couple seconds, he will stalk/walk/drive away as fast as he can, much like my nephew on his big wheel.
A lot of teachers are nitpicky about stupid things like which synonym they like better. If a student refuses to follow their every minute rule, they'll act cold towards him/her.
A person waiting for a bus with a long line will often wander around until the bus comes, then appear out of nowhere to be first on. I once heard a deep masculine voice from behind me yell out, "Hey, you budded!!!"
If you happen to get on my nerves I'll smack you.
My cousin has tried to dump all of his three children on other people when it's time for a diaper change because it's soooooo gross.
Once I watched a former wife and husband at the clinic. The wife spent her kids entire half hour session picking at the husband like a chicken, "Oh you don't know how hard it is!" "Now do you see what I mean?" "You never do anything!" while he just sat there sighing.
Please write in for more ways people are whiners!!!
Today was...a mixture of things. I had to go see the oral surgeon today and on the way managed to piss off my mother. I refused to help her load some more junk into the van. The basement and garage of our house is piled to the ceiling with similar stuff, and my parents had sworn to cut down on the clutter. So anyways, she hauled this big purple store spinner into the van herself and got into the car and turned off the radio. I thought that it had turned off by accident so I poked at it myself, and she snapped, "Just leave it!"
Ahhhhh, this old trick.
Immediately I was doubly reminded of why I take the bus so goddamn much. 1. I usually get to places on time because I'm not waiting for someone to take me- or for someone to put shit in the car. 2. My mother always pulls this crap.
She may not think of it so clearly, but I know that she always turns off the radio when she's mad to amp up the tension. The silence grows and her anger is made known. So she tried this same thing on the way home, and I said, "Way to add to the tension" and turned the radio back on. Now she knows why she does it in a clear, concrete way. My mother being who she is, she said, "What tension?" and smacked it off.
She got pissed and asked me when I wanted to get out of the car and take the bus home. I had no intention of doing so, but I had thought of asking her to drop me at the library before she had gotten mad, so I said Alton Towers.
Lovely. I jumped out of the van and went for the park, to sit and try to find G-d*. (It is Yom Kippur, whether my mom is throwing a tantrum or not.) I failed. I really wanted to someone to talk to about this, and whaddoyaknow, Mr Francis, my grade eight teacher walks out of the school. So I passed by and chatted with him, "Val's at Western, she's fine, Shortman is still okay..." blahblahblah. Nothing. (I am reminded of PTSW telling me I needed adults I could trust in my life, who don't come from the hospital.)
So I went to the library, tried to find books on Judaica and failed, and instead found a cute book on 100 things everyone should know, a Get Fuzzy comic book, and a book on renting spaces in Toronto. I also found G-d. It was really hard, because I've got all this nonsense flying around my head all the time, and I usually try to take care of the nonsense so I can concentrate but lately there's been more of it... I did the traditional thing, I apologized to G-d for trying to kill myself last year.
But then I added, "I'd probably try to finish it off at the right time and opportunity." G-d would totally know that I'm secretly thinking that! Why apologize for something I will probably repeat? I talked some more with G-d, "You know how I feel at those times, and I don't think it would be so bad if I did succeed." I chatted some more, telling G-d stuff and explaining my own personal brand of religion.
"Did you give me mental illness as a punishment? I don't remember doing anything really wrong as a kid! So I don't think you're doing this to punish me. But my mind, G-d? Of all things? Did you hear me last night, wishing I had a tumour or something instead? Something real and tangible where people wouldn't say stupid things about it? I still mean it, I would trade this for cancer."
Later on I was talking about what G-d thinks is right, "Well, it's not like you're going to tell me. This is an entirely one-sided conversation as it is. I think once we figure out what is right and wrong ourselves, that's what you go on. I don't think cutting is wrong because it's how I express myself and release my inner tension. Does this Catholic Church think that? Yea, it's totally wrong to them! But for me it's not, and I think that's good enough for you G-d."
I told G-d I would pass it on through my blog, so this is what I'm doing. My mother is still mad, and that junk is still in the van, taking up space along with yesterdays groceries because there is no where to put it in this house, and I'm still a cutter, and I'm still not sure if G-d exists or not, (another theme we had to our conversation) but I feel better.
There is no shofar around here, but for me the fast will be over soon. I wish I could learn more than just what I look up online! Anyways, G-d and I, we're good. G-d understands me, G-d gets that I'm going to falter and that I'm trying my best this year and that I'm not even sure if I believe in G-d, because it's not like G-d is going to tell me or anything. I think...I think G-d gets that too.
*I'm leaving out the vowels today in respect to Judaism. **In respect to the fact that we do not know anything about G-d, I'm leaving out pronouns as well.
Thursday is Yom Kippur. When I studied Judaism I learned that Yom Kippur is also called the Day of Atonement, and is the most important Jewish holiday. I heard Atonement and thought, "Ah! The equivalent to confession!" But I was wrong, because someone told me today that it is a period of introspection. (Completely different from my idea of the Sacrament of Confession.) Actually, I think Yom Kippur coincides better with Good Friday, because that's when Catholics fast. Of course, they're six months apart and almost totally different, because Good Friday is when Jesus died.
How strange that a religion has an entire week for introspection! How strange that a religion encourages this! Of course, I'm used to the more militant version of the Roman Catholic Church, so perhaps other churches are not quite as scary as mine. I know that I'm in my head a lot- which is mostly why I'm so slow to respond, it takes a while for all my circuits to get going- but I haven't really thought about my True Being, as it is. Mostly just trying to get through this...
So I shall contemplate my True Being, the person I am and the person I am going to be. I will not think about treatment, or academics, or what people expect of me, or think of me, or want of me! I'm almost certain that I've taken a major detour.
There was something I wanted to confess, but I'll save that one for my diary.
1. A Turtle Gym Kind of like those toddler gyms, but for turtles! A lot of tunnels and things to climb, slide, and hide in for the little critter in your house. I wonder if they make those hamster habitats in jumbo size...
2. My DSM For too long have patients been uninvolved in the diagnostic process! Filling in bubble sheets has never been sufficient. Now with this new open-source website patients and health care professionals can all contribute to a personal DSM-V that fits better and actually means something more than a pile of jargon.
I took this quiz in January, 2006. I'm taking it again 2.5 years later. Let's see the difference, the previous answers are first followed by a forward slash and my current answer.
1. name: Kat
2. single or taken: Tagle/ Completely and totally single
3. sex: Female, / and my gender is female too!
4. bday: May 10th
5. sign: Taurus, Horse
6. siblings: Older brother
7. hair colour: Brown
8. eye color: Brown
9. height: 5' / 5'1
lovers & friends
1. who are your best friends?: 123/ Pauline, Christine, Valerie
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No/ Obviously not, as I'm single.
3. did you send this to your crush?: No/ I haven't been attracted to anyone in five years.
4. did your crush send this to you?: Nope/ See above.
fashion
1. where is your favourite place to shop: Garage, AE/ Smart Set, I guess I matured a bit
2. any tattoos or piercing: ears? / double ear piercings, soon to be tattoo
specitics
1. do you do drugs?: everyday. are you jk? i am./ everyday
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: fructis/ herbal essences
4. what are you listening to right now?: the tv/ the sound of my keyboard
5. who is the last person that called you?: k2/ Christine
6. where do you want to get married?: church / in a park
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 16 / 22
8. what would you change about yourself?: everything. / my layer of fat, my brain chemistry, my height, my freakish low blood pressure (I'm always cold), my dry skin.
have you ever..
1. given anyone a bath?: yep / yes
2. smoked?: nope / yes
3. bungee jumped?: nope / nooo
4. made yourself throw up?: yes..but i was sick. / yea, I had this major stomach bug and I just wanted it out! It helped that it wanted out too, I threw up constantly for three days
5. skinny dipped?: nope / no, where would I do that?
6: ever been in love?: yeah, i suppose / yes, I love my lolo and lola and turtle and bunnies very much
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: many times / once.
8. pictured your crush naked?: nope / What crush?
9. actually seen your crush naked?: nope / What crush?
10. cried when someone died?: yeah / Yes, unfortunately they were TV characters. I am lucky enough to never have had someone close to me die.
11. lied: yes / Like a lying machine!
12. fallen for your best friend?: nope / Nope, not genuinely.
13. been rejected?: ionno? kinda? / Only for part-time retail jobs.
14. rejected someone?: nope / Yes, adamently.
15. used someone?: yeah...i used her to get choklitte. from the magical elf. in toyland. / I suppose so, though I can't think of when I have...
16. done something you regret?: everything. / A miscalculation last fall, a stupid thing 2 years ago, several small things
clothes: track jacket, umm...a watchathingy...a...bath thingy?/ my sweaters, my new winter jacket, my collection of hats
music: nothing / musicals and old school stuff
make-up: nothing / touch of eyeliner and some lipstick, though most of the time I go au natural
pet peeve: lack of choklitte / improper grammar!
smell: choklitte (not kidding) / Big Bunny
desktop picture: flowers / random picture from Day Hospital
favourite artist: olp, nickelback / Julie Andrews
favourite groups: GO12 / Bear4ce1, that ones a joke!
book you are reading: handmaid's tale, oryx and crake, sixteen / another day in the frontal lobe and bloodletting again
cd in player: the killers (thanks michelle!) / Juno soundtrack
dvd in player: the one...about the boxer...the female one...who got euthanized / TEDtalks
colour of toenails: the same colour they were yesterday / natural, they were bright pink until I tripped and ripped off some of my toe skin and half my nail polish. Pau was there.
last person..
you touched: does big bunny count? / Big Bunny, if not, Regular Bunny, if not, Elephant, if not, Speedy.
im'ed: vvn / Nelson-Shortman, right now
yelled at: carlo / This scary maniken (sp?) at Sears, before Pau and Christine got there
You kissed: does big bunny count? / Big Bunny, if not, probably Speedy, if not, probably Regular Bunny
you are..
Understanding: never / I try to be always
Arrogant: always / Occasionally
Insecure: forever / All the time
Interesting: not a chance / Apparently constantly!
Random: definately / Most of the time
Smart: nope / I think I am, it's just hidden under weird brain-ness
Moody: only everyday of my life / Pathologically so, unfortunately I haven't any clue what my "real" moods are, that is, moods that are not part of an affective disorder or my medications
Organized: i can be / Extremely, again, pathologically so.
Healthy: *cough* ex-er-cise? / I live on processed foods and my exercise is the TTC, which is actually sufficient. I spend so much time on the TTC and going up stairs and walking and stuff it actually constitutes a work out.
Bored easily: yep / Lately, so bored that I become a bitch or SI.
Shy: i can be / At times I am incredibly shy, i.e. anxiety disorders. Others I am wildly confident or brave. =)
Difficult: yep / Yes, definitely.
Attractive: nope / I suppose sometimes I am.
Messy: sometimes / Occasionally, yes.
Responsible: no / Yes, very much so.
Hyper: occasionally... / There's the odd time I'll have gobs of energy.
Happy: no / No, no not at all.
Trusting: no / Barely.
Talkative: yep / Yes, when I talk I TALK.
if you could you would..
Kill: the person who made choklitte not free. / Can I kill concepts? Hate and misunderstanding.
Slap: *cough* / Sometimes my doctors and social worker, usually anyone around me.
Get really wasted with?: (*creepy voice from that movie) i'll never tell... / Shortman-Nelson.
Get high with: (*sigh) repeat creepy voice. / Shortman-Nelson, Pau, Christine, Val, Edith, Vanessa, Michelle, Karl...
Talk to offline: God. / God, yea.
Talk to online: God. can i do that? (*lightning strikes.) guess not. / God again!
In the morning: i try to forget / I'm disappointed that I've woken up again.
All I need is: choklitte / Love!
Love is: math. (read dictionary part ii, see "kopach") / According to one womans research, similar to the effects of cocaine on the brain as well as a veritable shower of dopamine.
I dream about: babies, agenda's, failure / Speedy, Bunny, ER, boats, airplanes, lots of boats, failure, abandonment, anger, loss, being chased, getting lost, neglect.
Coke or Pepsi: coke / Coke.
Flowers or candy: CAAAAAANDY / Candy of course!
Tall or short: short / Short, talking to tall people makes my neck hurt.
What do you notice first: eyelashes / Percieved approachability.
Makes you laugh the most: big bunny / Animal antics.
Makes you smile: big bunny / Big Bunny and Speedy
Sit on the Internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: Sometimes. Come on Ellen DeGeneres, MSN me!
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: nope. / I'm quite happy in my body.
Wish you were younger: sometimes... / Not really. When I was younger I was untreated and unaware and therefore more scared and powerless and sad, now I'm all those things but I have the power that four years of treatment has given me.
Cried because someone said something to you?: yes
I know: i like juice. and cheese. / A lot about psychiatry, some about anatomy and physiology, a little more about genetics, even more about cytology, and a lot of random facts but not as much as Eve.
I want: to forget. / to get better, to be happy, to be functional most of the time.
I have: no more cheese or choklitte. (*eyes brother's stash.) / $500 worth of medication and a priceless amount of human experience. Amex, even Ellen uses it. That's all serious, minus the amex bit.
I wish: i could fly. / I could do all the things in my previous post, right now.
I hate: many things. / People who chew with their mouths open, people who eat nuts on the bus, people who are rude, people who get up in my personal space, people who discount me because of my mental issues, but all of these are really more like dislikes. I really, really hate being bored.
I hear: my brother...(*decides not to eat choklitte) / Myself chewing chocolate...really, I do.
I search: endlessly / For god, for knowledge, for hiding places and secret spaces, I search for reasons and the beyond.
I regret: my life / My inability to speak at times when voice is vital.
I love: choklitte / Lola, Lolo, Tito Joe, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Elephant, Speedy, Guyzeeland, Alexandria, Carlo, Christine, Ella, Jake, Jessica, Joshua, Logan, Nathan, Nayah, RJ, Tristan, Pau, Christine, Shortman-Nelson, Valerie, Vanessa, Michelle, etc...
more randomness
1. Do you like fillings these out? not when they're this long... / It's nice now that I can see the differences.
2. How many people are you sending this to? the blogger world? / The blog and facebook world, probably tag some people I've mentioned.
3. Who will send it back? those who have no time to waste yet insist on doing it. (like me!) / Ditto 2006 answer.
4. Gold or silver: silver / Silver, gold just kinda washes out on not-white/black people.
5. Favourite cartoon/anime: i forgot... / Strawberry Panic Strawberry Panic EEEE!!!
6. What did you have for breakfast this morning: break-fast? / Milk chocolate covered mini-oreos and diet coke from the bottle. I haven't left my room yet.
7. Who would you love being locked in a room with: a maminal. / Julie Andrews or Ellen DeGeneres or Sarah Warn or a nice female doctor who can teach me stuff.
8. Could you live without your computer: (*laughs) no! (*eyes widen.) / God no. When my laptop was broken I did kinda, because I hate using the family computer, but no. My laptop cuts through a lot of the OCD stuff that bugs me and it has Sims2 on it.
9. Would you colour your hair: yea / I have, several times, all the same colour.
10. Could you ever get off the computer: umm....yea? / I'm not ON a computer, I'm using one. So yes, of course!
11. habla espanol?: me no habla espanol. que? / I can read it mostly!
12. how many people are on your buddy list?: way more than i can keep track of. / 74, I did a paring down to just people I'd imagine I'd talk to.
13. drink alcohol? i wish. no i can't take it, i'm lying. it tastes ICKY. / Yes.
14. like watching sunrises or sunsets?: sunsets...then you know it's over, for the day. / Yes.
15. what hurts the most?: when you open the cookie/cheese jar...and it's empty. *tear. / Being ignored.
16. best words ever?: foff. / Stick, splint, free, believe, advocate.
17. what now?: I'm going to get dressed, there's a major sale at the Big Al's on Kennedy. Looks like Speedy is gettin some new shit!
If I had nine-hundred-ninety-nine-trillion dollars!
I would overhaul the health care system.
I would implement a system for foreign-trained health professionals, where they would take a test to maintain a standard level and then a month(plus) course to update them on practises in Canada. i.e. What is called a bovary here is called an electric cauterizer in England. Everyone gets a "rapid residency" of one year in their specialty.
I would entice those foreign-trained doctos to practise family medicine so that the people of Ontario will no longer have to resort to the ER for treatment, thus relieving some of the stresses on ER's and providing constant care rather than pockets of ER visits where no one knows your history.
I would make all health-care professions a continous learning process where people like doctors and CYW's and everything go to inservices to update their knowledge, say every 5-10 years.
I would get all the hospitals and clinics and stuff to budget smartly for the next 10 years. The government will use some of that surplus we used to have to cover deficits and provide a capital for a pseudo-reincarnation of the system. Cut costs and be exact with the number books, all the way down to small things like free-for-all plastic utensils in the caf- which should be recyclable by the way.
I would set up an electronic records system. Gone are the days of seeing one doctor, then trying to remember it all for another doctor who will have to confirm it with the previous doctor anyways. Since I'm obsessive-compulsive I'll take care of how to organize the information, the rest of y'all work on how to keep it confidential and crash proof. Of course, technology isn't perfect so hard copies, (printed on recycled paper) will still be mandatory.
I would make the TTC not suck.
I would expand the subway system for sure. Gone are the days of taking a subway, LRT, and bus just to get far enough East to get to the hospital. Gone are the days of faulty signal lights and fires on the tracks, gone are the days of taking a bus where there should be a subway line. Ever wonder why that little purple line has so few travelers? Because it doesn't go anywhere!
I would make a deal with an eco-friendly cleaning company to scrub down TTC vehicles every once in a while. Litter, lights, and dirt build-up are all important. Of course I would print a TTC ettiquette mini-book that is available in .pdf and .jpg, as well as when you get a Metropass or stack of tickets/tokens. It will be folded to eliminate the need for staples and be re-usable. I would expand the number of "put your used newspaper here" stacks.
I would try to work out a deal with the GTA transit systems so we can have an all-access pass system instead of this extra-ticket here with a VIVA there and a GO bus there crap. I'd also outlaw eating nuts on the TTC. I'm itchy enough, come on! I would try to make public transit preferred over cars.
I would make every school an alternative school.
I would change the way students are taught. The last time I was in a traditional school was in elementary school, but I know it's not working. The TA system works, I like that. You have a teacher with a small group of students whose overall wellbeing is looked after. I would hire only teachers who like to teach. 1-2 PA Day's a year I would create programming to incite passion in teachers who are dissatisfied. If they want to get out of teaching, there are several government programs already in place, (not in my imagination!) to get them started on a second career. An unhappy teacher is a whole pile of unhappy students.
I would swap out this pre-requisite thing. If I want to go to Medical School, this is the most straightforward path: I would take my MCAT's after studying life sciences as my undergrad. To study life sciences, I need university-preparation sciences and maths as a senior in high school. To take university-prep sciences and maths I need to take academic streamed sciences and maths as a junior in high school. To take those academic streamed courses I need to thrive in elementary school so I have a good foundation.
I would change the hostile environment of schools. If a student who is having a hard time comes up to you and asks for help, don't be snarky. If a student walks into a guidance office to say, get help deciding if their current course load is too heavy or not, don't tell them what they can't do, tell them what they CAN. Don't make things harder for students on purpose, that's just stupid and discouraging to them, which is the opposite of what teachers are supposed to do! This means university too!
I would... get really tired and go to bed.
Stuff I don't have the energy for right now... - affordable daycare - a cool car for shortman - a whole lot of real estate for me - sustainable economy - make all garbage boxes the small sized bins - expand kitchen waste to apartment buildings and etc. - create a "minimum benefits" package, where the least a company can do for even a minimum wage employee is offer a drug plan - study geriatrics, adolescent medicine, AND psychiatry - find someone who will fix Big Bunny - buy a lot of Pilot G4 pens and so-en panties - make elective surgeries partly covered by OHIP unless it's purely cosmetic, i.e. lip botox is not covered but wisdom teeth extraction is partially covered - make the gay village everywhere - block all members of the westborough baptist church from entering Canada - clean up Lake Ontario and the Mary Ward pond - screw the tobacco companies and CFC giants, no smoking and we're keeping the ozone layer! - more public spaces with stuff, like places to knit and place instruments and punch stuff - go to TED - redesign my m&m phone so it's more comfortable to hold - have my entire houses CLEANED - buy shoes and handbags and clothes and candy - make an actual Guyzeeland - make Speedy a wonderworld with a giant tank and an exciting room to explore - get a good haircut - have pets - get a post-shower dryer where you just stand there and *whew* you're dry and moisturized
Here is a flowchart, important segments in bold: Two Assignments > Three Weeks > Boredom > Bitchiness > SI > Excessive Bleeding > Mess > Uncomfortable Conversations
I'm not going to school. Why? BECAUSE I HATE IT.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I'M BORED.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I have grade nine math skills and am taking MCR3U.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I've been working on this assignment for three weeks and it's been done for just as long.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because with great boredom comes great bitchiness.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I hate it when people touch me.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I don't fit it.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because bleeding is a great way to cut through the boredom, which leads to the bitch.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because as much as I like bleeding, I don't feel like taping layers of gauze to my wrists and sitting through the whole day like that.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because the school is dirty and I don't have enough PRN's to go everyday.
I'm not going to school. Why? Because PRN's aren't meant for everyday anyway!
I'm not going to school. Why? Because I'd rather stay home and deal with my mother than spend the day THERE.
What Would (Imaginary) Larry Say?
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I'D SAY TO THAT, JUST GET IT DONE. JUST GET YOUR FUCKIN' DIPLOMA AND GET TO UNIVERSITY, YOU'LL LOVE IT THERE. High school is about more than an OSSD imaginary Larry, it's about growing up and being social and finding a niche. Anyways, fat lot of good that advice is, it's at least 1.5 years before I get to university! So I'm not about to spend 1.5 years going to a place I hate for six hours a day. What makes you so sure university is going to be my big break huh? Everyone thought Triangle School would be great, "Oh Kat, you'll be starting a new school and your academics will change..." "Kat at least you won't be a Ward" "Kat it's a school full of people like you!"
SO YOU'RE A BITCH. What?! What?! That's not helpful! That's not even a question! Ugh. And yes, it matters if I'm a bitch! I don't want to be cruel to other people, especially not to their faces! I'll be to cruel to them in the privacy of my diary!
SEE AGAIN, I THINK YOU FEEL TOO MUCH OF A NEED TO PLEASE PEOPLE. Oh my god, is this the exact same session as last week? Who knows!? There's a difference between needing to please people and not wanting to be cruel.
HOW C- Yes! I'm small! HAHAHA. Small people have full sized emotions! Just because I'm a lovely young woman here doesn't mean I'm incapable of being a bitch! Are you going to keep asking me stupid questions or actually help me out with this?
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING A BITCH. How do you know? Were you there? Are you social worker to some of the people whose feelings I hurt? Are you actually a skinny black woman who was guest teaching the class? If you were, did you not notice the way I made faces and slammed my skull into the desk whenever you introduced a new activity?
SO WHAT? Can you ignore what I'm saying even more? Is that possible? Being a bitch generally doesn't mean being nice to other people! And it's not a great feeling either! God, I was so mad-
"GOD" NOW HUH? HAHAAAA- Shuttup.
SEE NOW YOU'RE BEING A BITCH. Very funny imaginary Larry. What were we talking about?
YOU WERE SO MAD. Stop laughing. Stop!
I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU MAD. YOU'RE FEISTY THIS SESSION. Feisty? What, because I'm a small asian woman I don't get mad I'm just feisty? Do I have spunk? Ugh. I was mad, I was really mad for no reason! I was incredibly bored and then incredibly angry and I took it out on other people and that doesn't feel good.
YOU DON'T NEED TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME. I didn't say all the time, I said I didn't feel good at that moment. Do normies feel good when they take out their anger on other people?
YOU'RE NORMAL. Uh huh, that's why I'm here talking to you.
YOU ARE NORMAL, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, I DON'T WANT YOU TO BECOME A PROFESSIONAL PATIENT. I'm not becoming a professional patient, I'm becoming a professional. Difference, hello? If I was becoming a professional patient, I would have new symptoms everyday. But I don't. I read about new symptoms almost everyday, but you don't see me thinking I have DID or a pneumothorax or leukemia when there are people arguing in my head or I have trouble breathing or a collection of bruises for no reason.
...wow that pretend session really pissed me off. Anyway, that's what I'm Not Going To School.
We three have 18 years of history. There are so many things I'll never forget, like Lola's magical roll of umbrella stickers. There were so many umbrella stickers it was like a sticker wonderland. I remember them exactly, tiny umbrellas with a rainbow design and an iridescent layer on top.
Soon after I saw the Forgetful Allergist, I checked the back of a CRUNCH bar and declared I couldn't eat it anymore, because it is Made on Equipment That Also Processes Peanuts/Nuts. Today I ate the first CRUNCH bar I've had in years, and boy I miss when chocolate bars had two wrappers. I forgot to try to eat around the letters though.
Lolo and I used to play so many games. I of course preferred Ice Cream land or whatever, because I really, really like ice cream. But Lolo liked to put together puzzles on top of giant pieces of cardboard we'd slide under the couch for safekeeping. We also played Wheel of Fortune, because to this day they still watch Wheel of Fortune followed by Jeopardy every weekday. (Channel 8, 7-8pm.) Man I suck at Wheel of Fortune, but Lola always figures it out first! And then we all gripe about how stupid the categories are. "Thing," honestly. That was one of them, the category was thing at the word was Honesty. Okay it's a THING, but it's not a tangible THING. God.
Once not long after they moved to the Moorehouse House Lola gave me this magnicent Polly Pocket mansion. I still play with it, even though I'm 18 and they don't even make Polly Pocket's the size anymore. They're not POCKETsized, they're like purse sized Polly's. And their names aren't even Polly. Anyways, it's on my shelf.
I remember when they lived in the Blue House, everytime Lolo and I got in the elevator he would tell everyone that I was his granddaughter and really smart. And when we used to go to the factory, all the Filipino ladies would look over and go, "TINAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and start gabbering away about how tall I was (lies), how pretty I was (truth!), how cool it was that I used to hang out at the factory...(kinda). I liked walking down to the "river" which was really a useless sewer drain that was dry half the time. And climbing up into the boxes and ditching my shoes somewhere and running away or poking at the giant fish tank. Lolo used to take me into the secret room where he mixed the secret recipe, and we'd both put on a lab coat and I'd adjust my hairnet, which was always falling out of place, and I'd hop up onto the chair and point at everything and ask a million questions. Or he'd go into the walk-in freezer to get/put in stuff, and I'd stand at the door faithfully because I was terrified he'd get stuck inside.
OH MY GOSH! At The House, the laundry/bathroom/pantry/darkroom is in the basement right? I used to tiptoe very carefully downstairs and yell BOO! behind Lola and she'd jump and swear in Tagalog and I would giggle for like, half an hour. Then while she was doing the laundry I would slip in between the wall and the water tank and poke around the pantry, staring at the wonders of diced/sliced/crushed pineapple and jars of nails.
And every night I slept over at The House, (last time was in early August this year) I'd listen very carefully through the wall to hear Lolo's snoring and Lola's litany/rosary, then sneak downstairs for more lemonade.
There's a lot more, but I want to go downstairs now. Bye!
I don't usually wash, check, or count away my obsessions. The exceptions would be washing after being on a damp bus, and counting house numbers. (The goal is to count faster than you see the houses, so 1-3-5-7-9-11-13-15-17-19-21... as fast as you can- but only fast enough to stay one house ahead.) I usually spell them away. R-e-d c-a-r-s c-o-s-t m-o-r-e i-n-s-u-r-a-n-c-e i-c-e c-r-e-a-m p-o-p-s-i-c-l-e-s p-u-r-c-h-a-s-e...
There are some thoughts that just won't go away.
What do I do with them? How do I make them stop when everything is parallel and perfectly spelled and they won't cease fire. They're bad, bad things to think.
how can i resist/ the hope you offer me/ barest of wishes/ slightest of touch/ i place my life in it's hands/ so precarious.
you speak/ i hear not a sound/ i see nothing/ feathers from the sky/ am i/ sirens/ your voice/ bring me back/ i don't want to be/ grounded
i sing/ lullabies and secret cries/ for angels to listen/ but never hear
denied three times/ shadows at my door/ fear, loathing, other/ by the time the cock crows/ thrice
candy cane pants/ memories i haven't lost
It's been a long time (read: years) since I even tried to write anything remotely poetic, mostly it's just an endless stream of thoughts, but I like this. The essentials. Just what I thought of in the two minutes between 12:40am and 12:42am. Good night/morning.
In three weeks, I'll be starting at a new school an hour away from my house. I'm so terrified! Christine asked me if I had any leftover unit guides, and of course I did, and of course I caught glimpses of them.
I still cringe when I look at ENG3U units.
What if Triangle is the same as Ward? What if it's the same units? The kind of work I could stare at for hours, months, and get absolutely nowhere with. Please don't make me do English, I hate English. I read, write, and speak English perfectly! I have an extensive vocabulary and can write well, please let me off the hook! I can't stand anymore English, God, even the teachers are bored with it!
What if I'm not queer enough? I'm not a vegetarian, I'm not anywhere close to vegan, I don't eat organic or even healthy. 70% of my lunches during Day Hospital were pizza. I don't believe in all-natural healing, I take three pills a day! I don't fit stereotypes or labels! I am comfortable with sex but not with having it! I am sex-positive for other people but not myself!
Why are all the staff there male? What if I start to trust people there? What if I can't, not even a little bit and everyone thinks I'm cold? I can't take the TTC there, I hate the TTC when it's damp! It's ALWAYS damp in the winter! I need dry warmth! Like Speedy, who by the way is a girl!
What if I zoom down again and everything is dark and I can't stand going?
PROVEN - Most hospital food is play-doh in disguise. Other secret identities are: paperweights, doorstops, and leather. Some or most hospital food has been pre-chewed and/or not chewable. EXAMPLES Pancakes, French Toast, Toast, Tea Biscuit, Dill Salmon, Cream of Wheat, Oatmeal - Play Doh Tea Biscuit - Paperweight, Doorstop Beef strips, chicken of any kind, turkey of any kind - Leather, Unchewable Eggs - Pre chewed
PROVEN - Most hospital food is recycled. EXAMPLES Minestrone Soup is Vegetable Soup with pasta shells Oatmeal is Cream of Wheat with brown food colouring Beef Strips is Chicken Strips with the same sauce. Tea Biscuit is French Toast/Toast/Pancakes but fatter French Toast/Toast/Pancakes are Tea Biscuits but thinner.
PTDHSW was right. It is a useful coping mechanism. Hah. Can you feel it? Can you feel your eyes unfocus and your head kind of...float away? It woud have been pleasant if it wasn't so annoying.
“You know, there’s the North York- I mean, Scarborough mobile crisis team.”
I know.
“How close do you get to jumping off a ten storey building?”
Too close.
“It’s too early to know.”
Four years too late.
Help Me
Fuck Off
What if I want a future?
What if I want a wife who will steal my pager while I’m in the shower and tell people to “leave her the fuck alone”?I want someone to hold onto when my meds make me vomit.I want to freak out and rush my kid to the emergency room to find out it’s a simple ear infection.
There is so much I know I can do!I could be great at being a doctor, a mother, a wife.I love to memorize all the pieces of a body that work together, to explore the intricacies of life and find out how/why things go wrong.I’m good at that.
What if instead of dying what I really want is to bypass all of this and get it right?
What if I don’t see a future?
What if all I can find in mine is an older version of me, pissed at my parents and trying to become content with unhappiness?I see twelve more medications and four more years of treatment, alternating between completely lost and completely functional.
There is so much I can’t reach.I can’t get to my thoughts anymore; they’re somewhere just beyond my fingertips.It’s there, somewhere, frustratingly close and just as impossible.
In the past couple of months I've slept without my meds a handful of times. There were a few nights I was on melatonin, and a few more where I was so exhausted I didn't need them. It freaks me out that I can't sleep without them anymore.
It scares me that during that time I wasn't on my meds I was a fucking wreck. I can't believe that I ever was that anxious all the time, it's like some kind of nightmare. Which by the way, I am chock full of. Every night I dream horrible scenes that go in circles.
Every night, and every afternoon because although I can't sleep in my bed I sleep soundly on the bus.
I did find a lot of old stuff, but it's a little too intense for right now, so I put it away for later.
I am amused by my parents when they try to be involved in my life. I got my report card from Day Hospital and my dad is standing there waiting to see it, so I said "Bye." Instead of leaving he said, "I want to see it, I'm still paying taxes for that." Bully for you, but I pay taxes too! Sure, it's next to nothing, but when you earn a couple thou a year the government isn't expecting too much.
Is it too much to laugh at my family when they try to figure out what's going on with me? I figure that they forfeited their stake in my life a couple years ago, but as I haven't said that to them I think they're confused. No wait, that's funny too.
I think I should explain, but whenever I talk about something like that they seem to speak a different language. Anyways, I don't feel like adding to the tension in this house.
Haha, okay, you caught me, those aren't costumes they're just really scary super fuzzy bug like thingies. 
