Vlog Number Ten

I hesitated to make this, just because it would go over my last vlog, but I dunno...just don't forget the message from V#9. Here's me again...

Vlog Number Nine - Love Is...

The message in this video is important to me. It's something I've never understood- racism, sexism, all of that stuff happens because people are different. Although gay people may be different from us, they love. So many people don't love and yet they hate this. It doesn't make sense to me.

what's going on here? (aka the post with names)

You know how teachers lean over your shoulder when you're clearly not working and say, "What's going on here ladies?" I feel like I should be saying that to myself. I think, with enough work I'll be able to lean over my own shoulder. But I'm keeping my physiotherapist on speed dial. ("Hey Dr Ho? Yea. It's me again.") Half the time I don't know what my brain is doing. Yea, I know, I've been talking about my brain and mind like a seperate entity from myself for a while now. But I feel that way. They just decide like some kind of weird Kat's brain/mind meeting and I get filled in later . And not even the whole way.

And I've been so open about it. I mean, papers lying around, wordless smiles, everything. I've become a lot more open- like all of you know now that I've got a few mental disorders, and it was such a relief to not have to hide it. Sometimes I talk about it with a bitter voice- like, "Yea, well it's just this pesky clinical depression eating at my heart!" and I must admit, I am kind of bitter. I wonder why it had to be me, why it had to come at a time where people still hold a stigma against mental illness. I can see the change now. A few decades ago, if I had told all of you guys I had OCD, you probably would have chucked me in an institution. Hell, the school would have chucked me in an institution. It means so much to me that you accepted that, and that you guys are trying to understand how difficult it is.


That is something I'm not confused about. (One of the few things.) I have a decisive label there. Although it's definately a bad idea to label people, I do kind of like the simplicity of it. It's not so complicated when it can be summarized in one phrase. "Mentally ill." "Non-Catholic." "Hungry." It's not simple at all, but sometimes...it's nice to be, just for a little while. But there is so much I want to know. I'm not talking about quadratic equations or trig or shit like that, but about myself. How can I grow up to help other people if I cannot help myself? (Well obviously I can't right now...but...eventually?) I want to be sure. I want to have a label so when I'm out there, I know what I am. I know who I am.



I'm glad I have so many people to love. So many people who love me back. go9.5, you guys support me through so much. Y'all one letter teachers help me sort things out without having to make an appointment. My doctors are definately huge in my support system. My parents are big too, especially my daddy. Karl, you take care of me so well. You know what I need and what I want and the difference, and you have been there for me in so many ways. Pau, you let me be myself without treating me any different, and you've been there for me throughout all the shit. Christine, you've accepted me for who I am, and were there to show support and go trick or treating. Val, you GUESSED at so many things and after those guesses, you treated me normally too. You helped me sort things out and know when I don't have to yet.

See? No codenames this post.

All of you, in some way or another have helped me get by. Jess, Michelle, Vivian, Vanessa, Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Pauline, Karl, Dr. G, Larry, Mr Candi, Mr F, Mr D, Dr. Peter, Mommy, Daddy, Tito Joe, Janice, the other Mr F kinda, Richard, Melissa, and chocolate. Some just by hearing my story, or bits of it, and not judging or yelling, "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!!!" Or whatever people yell for that. Some by talking to me about it, some by sharing their own stories, and all of you for being my friends. Cheers, to friendship.

Vlog Number Eight

Vlog Number Seven

Our Sins

I'm no longer going to Church. I do not feel that I can practise my faith in a community where women are not equal to men, where mental illness is percieved as a result of sin, where men attack boys in opposition to their vows of chastity. Of their vow to live as holy people. Not only that, but the core of Catholocism does not run freely in my heart. I believe Jesus was a wise man, but not the son of God. I believe God will protect us each in our own ways, in His way.

"Your homework is to learn to express yourself." Well, I'm expressing myself all right. I've been more pissed than ever- sometimes I'm just angry for no reason. But make no mistake- if I'm pissed at YOU, I'm pissed for a reason. Don't disregard it. I'm kind of glad I didn't have cognitive this week...Dr G has just unearthed the frustrating part of Treating Kat, and I don't think it would be have been the most fun session ever. Granted, they're hardly supposed to be fun... I wonder how the re-evaluation will turn out. Heh.

I'm so glad for my friends. You guys have been there for me in ways no one else has. It's so hard...I think go9.5 is the most dysfunctional group of people I've ever met, and yet we all try so hard to work out our own problems, as well as help each other. We are each other support systems. Except for chocolate and my Lolo and Lola, there is nothing I wouldn't give up to keep you guys. But if it came up to you vs. my Lolo and Lola, you know what my choice would be. I feel like you guys are my family, my sisters and brother, my soul.

Sometimes I'm so afraid it'll never end. Does the misery stop? Will a magic pill help me work again? I'm so desperate for it to stop. Do you know what it's like to only wish for death while trying to finish a unit? Or how difficult it is to breathe when I'm just thinking- just thinking, and my body seizes in fear. I can't stop it! There is nothing I want more than to be able to work. To be a useful part of my family and society. Don't you see that?

To Polygamist 1 or 2,
You are my sister in all the ways I can think of. If friends don't last forever, then let us be family and never leave each other behind. Ok?

Vlog Number Six and a PSA

Vlog Number Six


PSA

Strike

I, Aeriana Eve am on a strike.

I refuse to follow the plan.
I refuse to read the Steps to Success.
I refuse to put away my favourite pair of blue.
I refuse to continue doing things that that will hurt you.
I refuse to do things that will turn out better for me, and worse for you.
I refuse to turn away from God, but rather to continue putting my faith in Him.
I refuse to feel guilty about what I've done, but instead about how it affected you.
I refuse to go to church and worship a man I believe was wise, but not the son of God.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you, I really am.

Vlog Number Five

Vlog Number Four

Vlog Number Three

It's way more fun to video blog. So I'm going to vlog again, for the second day in a row.

Vlog Number Two

Vlog Number One

I will type no more. Until I get bored of vlogging. In which case, I will blog.

this heart of mine

PUZZLECADABRA.

I believe that's the word.
The magical word that'll fix everything.
Fix my brain,
Fix my faith,
Fix my heart.

It seems to be broken.
I can feel it beating in my stomach, that's not where it should be.
So I'll keep my hand there, to monitor it's beat.
To hope it doesn't crack again.

It hurts sometimes, this beating in my stomach.
There's beating in my head,
And I can't seem to make it stop.

Stop.

Go.

PUZZLECADABRA!!!!

rocketGIRL

Lost. Our souls, intertwined and ripped apart. By mine own hand I hath called the omniscent gardener to our hearts and pruned away the hold. Our pain, it bleeds by the stems, it drips from the heart of each flower.

I am a rocket girl. I fly around with no where to go but up and come zooming down as soon as it hit the atmosphere. Toss me high, let me fly, but make sure to catch me when I fall. You are my crash landing.

Don't let me go. Don't let go!

Stay with me on our journey. Don't let go when we're torn by the pain, destroyed and lost beyond finding even ourselves. Don't let me drown and I'll try to hold your head up high. We'll fly and dive and soar through this together, and be stronger in the end. It will come, just don't let go! Don't let me go, I'll hold you tight.

carryover is KILLING me

You know what they all say!!! If you want to ruin your school year, take carryover. And that's what I've done. It's complete hell I can't believe I'm doing gr10 and gr11 stuff at the same time. And while I'm trying to focus on my carryover courses so I can get them over with, I've still got the idea of chem and bio looming over my head. Not to mention my OTHER six courses.

The problem is, I STILL can't concentrate. It's like there are evil monkeys in my head pulling wires and ripping up neuron's. STOP DOING THAT!!! STOP!!! Goddamn monkeys...

So it's not only my work that's carried over, but the shit emotional state I was in last year, PLUS the whole September Rush thing! I've NEVER heard of September Rush but they should really tell people about that mentality when you do carryover. I didn't have a choice. It was carryover, or do gr10 math again this school year. I'd still take the carryover, even if it's driving me nuts.

Doing gr10 math would drive me even more nuts and then I'd just be so nutty that I'd get an anaphylactic reaction to myself. Augh!! AUGH!!! Why am I myself I'm getting HIVES...*cough*Cough*get me an epipen....

So I'm just saying. If you see me, and I look like there's a rabid racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies, it's because there's a rabic racoon living in my room that attacks me while I'm working so that I have to run away so I don't get rabies.

God I hate school....even if I was starting off without carryover, I'd hate it still. Gr11 IS the hardest year.

-Racoon Girl, signing out.

sewing machine love

Video post linkage: http://aerianaeve.blogspot.com/2006/08/former-video-post.html
Ze links, zey chang-ed when ze post wez edited. Ay am so sowry. Really, I am.

I am about to ditch the "Tiny-Kat-Wears-Sack" to school look for one that favours...a stitch ripper. I just did my 3/4 sleeve dress shirt, although I did sew a sleeve on inside-out...however, it's a huge improvement otherwise. And I'm done pinning my kilt and golf shirt, all will be done tomorrow. I'm not sure about the other dress shirt, I might need an ugly one just in case. (*cough)lazy(*cough) Maybe later.

Pictures to post later, as well as my last two projects. (The inverted dress-shirt-jacket and the skirt.) I really just don't want people to think I'm a niner this year.

PS: I will bring back the BONK from it's elementary school grave if you guys don't start RSVP-ing for the picnic. And if those RSVP's don't read yes, contact me!!! I'll figure it out!!! The picnic and the Closing GO12 Dinner are the most important events (out of sixteen) that we've placed on the go12 calendar for August.

PPS: You want to know what the bonk is? Just ask the guys I made cry with it.

nighttime batting cages

-My brother taking on that evil machine.

Annual brother-sister outing to the cages, as always I decided to attack the....slowpitch softball. Whatever, that's what I can do, I'm happy with that. Tim's, (remember Tim POP-ers?) older brother took on Very Fast Baseball and actually made contact a few times. It was pretty awesome.

And it was fun because... I don't know. I was happy. Content, pleased just to sit and watch or whack a round. Without that hollow feeling that usually comes along with it...it was nice. It was really nice. Can you fault that? It's special enough to write about.

PS: If any of you are looking for pictures from events that I might have, feel free to request that I send them. I'm sending out all the pictures of the kids to my cousins now, that applies to my friends as well.

Bushisms

Picture from: http://www.citynoise.org/author/Jamie
We all have a curious affinity for Bush and the new ways he finds to screw up everyday. Inspired by a post on citynoise, I've collected a series of "Bushisms." Looks like it's back to the political humour.

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006
And even as students in his No Child Left Behind program are reading about tides and idioms and all this wonderful grammatical stuff, the president of the United States of America is unable to see the difference between a figurative tide and a literal one. Let's hope he knows how to swim.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006
You see, Bush makes total sense here, because he does most of his work while sitting on his ass and watching his country go up in flames.

Wow! Brazil is big." --George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005
I'm surprised he knows how to read a map. I'm sorry, I'm really lame today. I should go sleep again.

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." --George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005
And you need more better grammar. How the hell did you get into office? Twice?

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
America, you have voted yourselves into good hands. Good, strong, sm--oh my god he's so stupid...

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
and then
"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." —Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"I'm the master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
Yea I can see that hun. So can the rest of the world. Sometimes I feel sorry he's so stupid...

"Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
I don't know if this is funny or just ignorant. The idiot.

Yea I'm just going to stop. It's funny when I read it!! Nevermind nevermind...I'm gonna go look for candy...

the former video post

If you're looking for the video, it's not here. That's because I tried to embed it again and then I had to fix the html cuz it was screwing with my template and I was wayyyy too lazy to mess with that. Even though it's just changing the width...ugh...fine...I'll be right back. Wait a bit more...I'm streaming edge listen live...



Ok. There's your video. Comments please? Personally, I think Big Bunny is the real star of the show. I mean, her dialogue is awesome. Considering we just dubbed over the video after it was filmed. Anyways, watch out for the bum shot.

---

My goal is to NOT spend this summer inside. That only results in bad brain waves. Like how it's been for the last little while. I don't know, things are getting almost - normal. Is that bad? That something like this is normal? My home-away-from-home-away-from-home-away-from-home is-- secrecy. I like hiding. I can fit into corners really well. That explains the curtains around my bed, huh? It's my inner turtle. (Which we didn't end up getting for Candi and April's wedding- the everlasting turtle was $450 over our budget.) I wish that tree was our property. The city came and cut off my climbing branches. It was great for just sitting and...being thoughtless.

To be honest, I'm sick of hiding. I want to burst out of my sheer cucoon, I want to slash it to bits, I want it to end. I know you hear me, SM&kd. Will it? I...I'm not being very eloquent today. But I got another non-skippy pen to replace the last one and now I can write again. I swear I won't drop this one, or I'll never write. (Until I bus back to staples...)

I want to see my nieces and nephews again. If you check in the comments link, you'll find them all. I couldn't stick them here because they messed with the tables and they don't have a width tag.

my fear

i don't know you. i might try. but i'm really merely putting myself into your picture, and not looking at anything at all. my corner of the universe is just a bit upside-down.

insight...

...And I realized, lying in bed early one morning waiting to go to sleep, how many times in the spaces between my voices that Kat - Normal Kat - had whispered, "I want to go home." With a touch of heartbreak I knew that although I had a house to live in, I couldn't call anywhere home until I'd found a home in myself. And I had a long way to go before I was at rest in my own body, and a mind that had turned against me. For how could anyone be comfortable while waging a war that was destroying themselves, whlie knowing that only utter destruction could bring a wholeness into their heart? A cruel irony, senseless in it's berevity, and one I swear to carry through.

Thought, (and you may see I'm long-winded in my pen) I doubt my strength to finish with this war. Is it possible for a mere girl to bring her own hand and mind to collapse upon itself in order to rebuild? For who could bring themselves to the brink of death by thier own will? Surely not I, courage runs through others' weins but mine own are void of it. I cower, choosing instead to hide within sleep. (And where is she? I cannot fall to rest.)

Hiding seems to be my forte, a skill I've honed with endless fear. And even now the demon stalks me, striking when the voices reach their height and I retreat, stranded in the wildfire of their words. I know the power of words as well as their shortcomings. Words become feeble as a physicle weapon, yet sharp in their own right.

Alas my nightly writings beg to cease, so I drop my pen in search of Lady Sleep.

-Thursday July 27th 2006
a midnight story
hammer on my writers block
imperfect (!) as it is
a night cap, perhaps?

FUCKING ASSHOLES

1:58 pm: SOMEONE CALLS ASKING FOR BEN'S CAKE. AFTER REPEATING THE QUESTION FOUR TIMES, THEY FINALLY ANSWER, OH, OH OHKAY.
1:59 pm: SOMEONE ELSE, ASKING FOR THE SAME CAKE, ASKS THE SAME QUESTION, AND HANGS UP BEFORE I CAN TELL THEM IT'S NOT FUCKING READY, JACKASS!!!!!

IF YOU FUCKING SAID YOU WERE GOING TO PICK UP THE BLOODY CAKE AT THREE, PICK UP THE BLOODY CAKE AT THREE!!!!! DON'T CALL MY HOUSE TWICE, EXPECTING ME TO MAGICALLY SWITCH AROUND THE DAY SO MY MOM IS HOME AND FUCKING HAVE YOUR GODDAMN STUFF READY FOR YOU AN HOUR BEFORE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! RUDE!!!!!

and YOU!! YOU BITCH!!%#@ I GAVE YOU THE RIGHT CHANGE, AND YOU'RE STANDING THERE COUNTING IT OUT, (it was a five, and two toonies) THINKING I RIPPED YOU OFF WHEN YOU'RE GETTING THE GODDAMN DISCOUNT SHIT AND THEN WHEN YOU REALIZE I'M RIGHT, YOU GRAB THE FUCKING SHIT AND WALK AWAY!!!!!! BITCH!!!!

I'M NOT A GODDAMN SECRETARY HERE!!!!

AND HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO FUCKING TAKE YOU TO REALIZE THAT M=P AND I'M NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. YOU WANT TO LIVE A FUCKING DAY IN MY LIFE THEN GO AHEAD AND MAYBE YOU'LL REALIZE I CAN'T GODDAMN CONTROL THE SHIT IN MY HEAD AND YOU CAN FINALLY GET AFTER TWO FUCKING LONG YEARS THAT THIS IS NOT MY GODDAMN FUCKING FAULT!!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING GET THIS SHIT IN YOUR HEAD!?!?!?!

AND YOU!!!! ARE YOU ALL SO BLIND THAT YOU CAN'T FUCKING FIGURE OUT THAT YOU'RE MAKING MY FRIENDS LIVES HELL!?!?! JACKASS'!!!! I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT.

FUCK OFF BITCHES!!!!!!

AURGRGHUIHHHHHH
HHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

try as you might

you don't get it.

Mary Ward Encyclopedia: May Rush Meltdown

First of all, let me explain. Kat is feeling relatively safe with four units completed today. So I'm taking a short break, (my timer is set on 10 minutes) to type out this entry. Then it's back to the books. The back-breaking books. Ugly, too.

Mary Ward Encyclopedia Entry #1. May Rush Meltdown

Many people are familier with May/June Rush. With the arrival of our new principal, we're feeling the stress just a little bit earlier. Timetables are going out, exam registration is umm...two weeks too early, and daily reminders. Everywhere you go...thank god for cake.

But we're not here to discuss May Rush. We're here to talk about the Meltdown, associated with The Rush. Also included in this article are satellite effects of May Rush, which touch both teachers and parents.

Meltdown begins when that godawful sign goes up near the Test Centre, counting down the number of days left to write tests. (I cover my eyes when I go by.) Students feel a sick feeling in the stomach, and many are prone to headaches and mild panic attacks. At this point, students are beginning to become irritable and are working steadily throughout the day. Post-school hour excusions are shortened, but not eliminated.

The next sign for Meltdown begins when teachers start to feel the pressure. With units pouring in, they are not prone to smiling or laughing, unless they are laughing at you. Units go missing, they impose stricter rules on unit completion, and start failing people. At this point, students are only going outside for major events, and only for a short time.

Meltdown arrives. It is commonplace to see students in tears in the hallway, walking away from a teacher, or sitting quietly in an area. Students are usually sighted toting several textbooks, water, a stack of paper, advil, and a highlighter. Some also have access to laptops. Posture is terrible, and no one sees the light of day, unless it's going from school to home. Curses rebound on the walls and teachers recieve the brunt of most of it. (Jackass''!!!!!!!)

Parents become aware of their child's anguish. Occasionally, they will spot said child crying silently onto a textbook, or poring over a Unit Tracker. Child will develop red eyes accompanied by heavy bags and long-term symptoms similar to PMS. Parents, upon noticing the extra stress, promptly add to it by decreeing that the child will either "FAIL EVERYTHING" or "Pass if you just work hard!" It is the general consensus among MW Parents, that the work and the system are easier then they're made out to be. They're not.

All in all, my timer went off and I'm back to the units. (Yes, I set that timer on MYSELF.) Right Kat? (*Wanders off to look for cake...)

post 70

They're convinced if I work continuously and cut corners, I can finish all my courses. Completely convinced. They're under the impression that I can complete two and a half entire courses worth of work in the next week and a half. If you don't want this to happen again, why can't you listen to her? She's not lying. Please.

That's all. Sorry if you feel like I'm snubbing you or ignoring you but I'm really busy. I can't afford to sleep or eat, but you know, I'd like to stay concious enough to work. It would be nice. So I've got to make up for that sleeping/eating time by working doubletime. Technically, 980x doubletime would be good.

Bye. See you in August, y'all.

(bitter)sweet sixteen

Thanks everyone!

(Wow I look soooo dumb in that vid...)

i kind of hate you

I guess you- whoever you are, reading this- think I'm talking directly to you. Well, like the average Little Black Book entry it's actually directed to several people at once, and bound to change throughout the post. But you'll never know. It all depends on where the words lead me...

I wish sometimes you weren't around. Tiptoe. I wish that I wasn't such a closed-mouth-fool around you. Do you realize what you're doing to me? Can you hear through thin walls that every night I go through my day and try to figure out what I did wrong? Doesn't anyone notice these things? Or would you rather not know?

I'm sorry. Let me grab my smile so that I can protect you from the truth you never wanted to hear.

Especially there. It was more than a year and a half ago but these things stick. And back again we go! Wendy's, anyone? Or maybe dinuguan.

I should never have said anything. You see, in your case, there's really no wrong to what happened. But in mine, I could have happily kept my mouth shut for forever. Gotten married. Had kids. Never told a soul but maybe a few people I trust. But NOO. The mouth opens the brain gets carried away the bitterness never leaves and I wishwishwishwishWISH! That I could leave that behind.

You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Neither do I.

Wow, what a great riff.

Rift.

Drift.

I remember I used to worry about "drifting" a lot. "We can't drift! PULL HER BACK!!!!!" And yet it was probably better in the end, though painful. Why did I keep trying to preserve what she didn't want? Jackass.

I know a lot of jackasses. Intolerance. Insecurity. I should talk about insecurity, right? But it's true. Suddenly half the people I know are people I wish I could beat the crap out of.

But ask plgy and you'll get a different view. They haven't turned into people I want to beat the crap out of, I just like imagining that I could hurt you. Give all the shit you gave me ten times over then piss on your face and throw you in the pond with a rice bag tied to your skinny/fat neck.

But then the pond would smell worse and I would go to jail. So instead, I'm going to sit quietly- don't move!- and clear my face so that no one can tell I'm seeing you ripped limb from limb behind my eyelids. That I'm laughing while it's happening. That I'm simultaneously shaking with rage.

Squeeze my fists.

Nothing's happening there, by the way. I know you think there is, walking in on a laugh. But there isn't! It's a growing friendship. And a difficult one, not because it's unwanted but because it comes with baggage. We all cart our baggage around. Mine fits in a pen. Yours fits in a clock. Yours fits in file folder. Travel sized convience, like mini shampoo or tiny brushes.

Bell!

Hell.

Do you think there's a hell? Today I said, "I think the ____ can burn in hell." I think you can too.

Isolation.

Please, end this.

i didn't ask...

The cliché. Backporch, a cup of tea, and bare feet. It's partly a veneration of the spring, partly a moment to gather yourself together, partly to personally look your fears in the eye. It's when you're alone that you cannot lie to yourself.

Things happen so fast. Thinking back, so many things were turnpoints in my life. I can pinpoint moments that could have gone so differently...a simple decision, a projectile, a phone call, a moment of tense silence. A door to run through. Then...then what? Life moved on, I didn't pass through. Trust. Eye contact. A door, locked shut, and tunnels moving too fast and I was blind to what lay in them. I waited on the outside. We did. Things streamed by, I stood still. And silent.

So much for sp.eak.

But there are things we cannot combat. You may think you bring them on yourself but it's something else that does it. That tells you it's right. That you HATE for the little while after. Hate yourself.

Are you confused? Probably. I bet you I'm more confused, go12. Minus plgy. Things move on, eventually. It just takes a little while.

double post- drowning

So many people have tried. I'm afraid to disappoint you, although it's too late for some. I don't know how to fix some things, and I have to. There are things you can't just leave alone- although maybe it's easier to. I'm confused...it's MAY. It's MAY! Oh god it's MAY. Almost. Can anyone help me?

AUGHHHHHHH THERES A SPIDER ON THE WALL....I really, really don't like SPIDERS......AUGHHHHHH it's SO FAST!!! OH GOD IT'S CRAWLING EVERYWHERE....

And back to on topic. (Sorry...spiders really freak me out...) I think I'll leave it here...to the diary then.

-------------

So I blame the following people for indirectly making me obsessed with the piano I once hated;
Kirk. You idiot. I could easily have become immersed in my sewing once again, but noooo. Marjolein's brother, Bastiaan for those putfiles that I watched for forever- just staring at his fingers...he made me want to play like that. Actually, I added a Scarlatti piece to my repetoire because I "saw" him play something of his and it was awesome. It's visual too, you know. My mom's friend in the Philippines, who apparently played Liebestraum no.3 and was the cause of all of this Liszt-Love. And my lola, who loved it from the beginning.

I BLAME YOU!!!

And I'm angry at you, Mr Franz Liszt, for making it so goddamn difficult! The insane accidentals ALONE are driving me mad. The pedaling, (sp?) also insane. The SHEER NUMBER OF NOTES is mind boggling. Hello? But you, Mr Liszt, are a genius. I'd have given up last week if it didn't sound so awesome...and I never would have looked up all of these classical pieces.

Rachmaninoff. Concerto no.3. Third movement. Which sounds so full I feel like I'm drowning in it, (see the connection here) but I'm not crazy enough to try that one. Like right here...where the violins come in, and it's got this...ahhhhhhhhh.....

I'm not trying to sound like I know music. I know, I dropped out of RCM after Level Six exam which is...not anything. It's equivalent to a high school drop out not even making it to grad, let alone university. But even high school drop outs can learn, its just a bit harder after...and besides, you can't deny they're amazing compositions. GAHHHHH-making.

the real thing

I figured I might as well give you guys, (yea I know no one actually reads this...shattup!) a real update. Kinda.

To explain my second last post:

Monday- I ate something and I got anaphylaxis. (Guess how long it took to learn how to pronounce that.) Sooo I ended up at Scarborough Grace in a hospital gown. They really should just call them fabric-squares, because those things don't cover at ALL. I got new epipens though...
Tuesday- Whooo!! Passed out fourth period in the computer lab. "Are you dizzy?" (nods) *Why am I on the floor?* It's a conundrum I'm still trying to work out. When I woke up, why was I three meters away from where I last remembered being?
Wednesday- I became single again!
Thursday- Went to the doctor.

To explain the updates:
I'd been using "Slide" to shunt those pictures across the top of the page, but Shutterbook/Parazz created a slider of their own. I have nearly 400 pictures on my Shutterbook, compared to the 46 on Slide so I transferred it.
I also added several links- to my second Shutterbook account, and to my homepage. sp.eak is the title of the website, and it's pretty! But only because I used a template. Please refrain from exploring safe.ty, and go right into bre.athe if you must.

To explain myself:
Big Bunny and I are moving to Austria tomorrow, so expect a delay in new posts. I'm joking, but expect a delay in new posts. I've got a million units to do in what is it, seven weeks? Praise be if I don't fail any of my courses, but I don't know who to praise. By the way...I, Ms-RCM-Drop-Out needs help deciphering some music...(*coughKIRK) Liebesträume- which confuses me past the first page. I'm trying to figure it out for my lola. =)

I'd say back to the books but I'm tired, and I wrote a quarter of my french thing on the bus, so I'm going to indulge in some- crap I forgot what I was gonna eat. Wait! Milk. That was it. Eat/Drink whatever.

By the way...
Look what I found! It's sooo creepy...
http://random.dragonslife.org/mary-ward-catholic-secondary-school/356
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Ward_Catholic_Secondary_School
And so well organized. CREEPY!!!

To: Marjolein

Re: The Survey (That you stole from Kat who stole it from Kirk who stole it from Mel)

Basics#9- I wish I was your height. 5'6 seems perfect. Just six more inches to go...
Lovers&Friends#1- I consider you one of my best friends!
#4- Ahhh, thieving can be so much fun ;)

Specifics#5- If I didn't live in Canada, and if I knew you in real life, I would call you. Also, if wasn't grounded right now.
#8- Why change? To me, you are amazing right now.
Favourites#1- YAYYYYYY PINK!
#2- All praise chocolate!
#6- You should meet my friend Michelle S- she loves monkey's also!
#7- I'm all for sports requiring hitting something very hard.
ATM.Colour of Toenails- Mine are sparkly, but I try not to look at them too. Weird, huh?
Last Person.You IM'ed- At least we still have GEE!mail.
You kissed- Big Bunny is a person just like Marlene! And also my last person.
You are- REVERSE ALL OF YOUR ANSWERS!!!!!
Who/What Makes You Smile- Marjolein's current desktop picture makes me smile too =)

Did I see a "Fez Fan" on your Fanlisting page? YEAAAAAAAAA!!! (That 70's Show comes on during the hours before church on Saturday's...I used to watch them all.)

Did I see a "Milk Chocolate" Fanlisting? I may just join it...but I may be too lazy. Oh my Lord there are pictures...someone bring me some Dairy Milk! Please!!! (Or C1000)

I like the entire Marielaine section, by the way. The avatars, the banners, it's all awesome...

And Now, back to your regular scheduled programming. (Yooo-NITS!)


I <3 Chocolate and Marjolein.

my medical meltdown of mayhem

Oh the Alliterations.

Monday- Emergency Room
Tuesday- The Floor
Wednesday- (*blushes)
Thursday- THE ANSWERS!

And I won't tell you what they are, I'm just trying to update my blog.

Michelle's Birthday Pictures- It expires fast!! Please click now!
http://s65.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=36UI0LKA97OJQ11R3T49Z9649H

The Secret Dangers of "Laughter"

The Secret Dangers of “Laughter”

We are all prone to fits of high-pitched noises, un-regulated breathing, bursts of excessive sound waves, and sometimes, silence. These involuntary acts, (which shall hereunto be referred to as “laughter”) are much more dangerous than they seem to be.

“Laughter” masquerades as a simple physical show of amusement. In fact, “laughter” has a hidden power. “Laughter” provokes seasoned persons-of-professional-education-creation into unwonted anger. The following are some examples of how persons-of-professional-education-creation can react.

1. “I wouldn’t have come in here, but I heard you “laughing”. Now get out.”
2. “You’ve been “laughing” the entire period. I never want to see you in my lab again.”
3. “What is there to “laugh” about, ladies?”
4. “I want you out of my sight right now. This is an individual work area , not some kind of “laughing” place.”
5. “If I see you “laughing” again you’re outta here.”

It all seems quite harmless, but it’s really a lot more painful. Expulsion from a resource area during a No Movement time can spell disaster- if you run into The Admin. The Admin are much more sensitive to “laughter” and can react as such.
1. “You’re being disruptive. That’s a detention for you.”
2. “If you think you can get again with “laughing” think again, buster.”
3. “I’ll have your student card. “Laughing”, in my school!”

Of course, we must all have realized the biggest danger of these calls are their habit towards odd nicknames.

YAY hot water! I’m going to stop pretending I’m working, and go take a shower. Where I can not work, for real!

BTW, check out the vid by v3k productions at YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p80rM1wCduM

flying on angel wings

Yea, the songs from the show are stuck in practically everyone's head, but there's one line that keeps on repeating...a) I love you, A bushel and a peck b) pokemon! gotta catch 'em all (make-up room extemporaneous-ness) c) I could honestly die.

I don't know what to do...I've buried myself under these horrible circumstances and there's no getting out of it. No matter how hard I try I always end up screwing up and although I'm not always giving 100%, I'm not doing this stuff on purpose! I could choke here, I could dive, I could sink lower than ever but why should I keep on digging a hole when I could fly up?

Your words are my angel wings, you keep me hovering here, but at some point I'm going to take your wings and fly out somewhere I can be, be without turning onto myself and cold. Somewhere I'll be free. Where I don't have to keep on running away, trying to compress this all then escaping what I've brought closer to myself.

Your angel wings will be my salvation.

six shows, five days.

Yes, I'm pretty much just a lowly extra in MW's production of Guys and Dolls this year, (again) but I'm still exhausted. I can't imagine how tired the leads are.

So a lot of people agree that the "behind-the-scenes" part of Guys and Dolls wasn't as much fun as The Three Muskateers, and that we're not as well prepared this year. Onstage however, it's a lot more colourful and busy. Granted, it's a musical. The best part is backstage, right before every show.

With everyone's hands held in a circle, we say a short prayer, then gather in the middle for "ROLL 'EM!!!" and that moment is just so great...you feel like you belong then.

Back to sleep then...I'm dead to the world for the entire week! I'm busy right until Sunday night.

an'dieu?

Most of you know my stance on asking people, "How are you?" I know it's an easy question to ask and one that is said out of courtesy or lack of better things to say in all it's forms. The question is simple, the answer can be much more complicated.

How am I? I'm fine.

No, really I mean. How are you?

It's a personal question, don't you think? Your state can be very complex, and due to a lot of complicated reasons that all seem a bit overwhelming just to keep in your head, not to mention putting them into words. And then having the courage to speak them. It takes a certain amount of trust to let them see you vulnerable.

But then, we've learned that there's one person we can tell everything. One we can be naked with. Or perhaps...one Person. The idea that someone out there knows absolutely everything that goes on in my head is off-putting rather than comforting. I'd like to keep my thoughts inside my mind, private for myself so that later on I can sort them out because obviously you're not doing ANYTHING to help me out here and I'm just drowning with all of the SHIT i see ALL THE TIME that I just can't figure out enough to get myself the fuck outta here and the problems I've created without having the foresight to see them coming, or knowing the consequences but choosing to ignore them which although it's very general can be the stupidest decision I've ever made. Granted, any decision where you see the mauvaise outcome and ignore it will probably end up in deep shit. Why haven't you been listening? Everyone tells me I'm supposed to just keep going until you can hear me and I can see that you hear me and I have to have FAITH but I've been waiting for three fucking LONG YEARS AND ALL THE FUCK YOU'VE SENT ME IS LESS FORESIGHT AND THIS FREAKISH HEAD I'VE GOT. My problems are inside my head, and if I can create them I should be able to make them go away.

Not true.

Whatever I've tried to do to convince myself that I believe in you and that I'm not this way and that things will change have been contradicted on many levels. And I think...I think I should let go of you. Or You.

holy adhesive

I can only learn from other people's and my own's educated guesses, some of which are better than others. Therefore, no one has KNOWledge, but simply speculations gathered from strict observation of pattern.

Church is a good place to be at but I'm missing the key. FAITH! It binds them and because I was struggling to regain it, I to them.

There's a lot in my head, but I'd rather not put it down here.

the naked struggle

We all attempt to cover ourselves, however crudely that may be. There are few of us willing to go out naked. It may not be necessary. We can't reveal it all to whoever walks by. But at a certain point, we've all got to disrobe, to let it all go.

We're vulnerable. And you can create all the armour you want but even if no one else can see the damage it's there, and you know it. Life pierces right through this cover-up and in the end, we're left there, bare. The struggle is over, for that moment, if you'll let it be.

I try my best not to set myself up for those little wounds that fly out of other people, but you can't anticipate it all. It's part of this, this playing out every scene just to see if we can head off any problems before it happens. It's important, yea, to look ahead to the consequences but can't we relax for a bit?

This is where I am with you. I can be naked, with you. But other times...it's not that kind of trust.

And I want you to know, [/] and segWAY and x4 that I can't save you. I can't pull you up from where-ever you are, not when I'm right beside you. But I can try. We can work it all out so that even through this, at least we'll not be singular. Solitary. Insignificant.

I don't have the answers! I don't think anyone does- even him. Or it. Or them. Or that. Things get so complicated so quickly and I don't know what's sure of anything, or if anything is.

The thing is, I'm afraid I've already lost you. Somewhere in here, you've slipped away.

what a shame

James Blunt- You're Beautiful.

Check the links on the navigation bar.

because you're never there

I love these Little Miss books.

No. Ohkay, I realize that I must be one of the most moody people on earth, but anyways...

I want to talk to you without you shifting in your chair and changing the subject.
I want to feel happy when I'm out with other people.
I want to be able to understand what you're saying.
I want to be alright with the way things are.
I want to not have to make excuses for doing what I do.
Am I just being...

?

Give Me Back My Tree.

This, is cold fury. Where are the branches I so loved to caress? The branches nearly all my friends have hesitated to put weight on? MY TREE IS DEFACED! Yes, it belongs to the City but I loved it like my own. GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES.

P.S. I just completed my first embroidery project! Follow the link to my Parazz and click Afterschool Escapades. http://www.parazz.com/albums/katyerro

goFIVE gettogether!

Isn't he georgous? Kraft Dinner, the newest model in a group of young protege models shows off the Fall 2006 go12 Ready-To-Wear Couture collection. Sporting "The Sick Hat" tied fashionably with a purple scarf, he looks ready to take on the world. A sheer pink asymmetrical top layered over a checkered dress shirt, (ravishing!) layered over a long sleeved dark blue top tell us that he just can't wait to get out there. He's got a lovely pair of baggy jeans the colour of a camel, and has got a sweet bright pink a-line skirt snug under his butt cheeks. Finally, Kraft really topped off the outfit with bright green wedge sandals, and socks. Well, his sassy new look really seems to be something that could hit it off on the streets. I know I'm running out and searching for the best new under-butt skirt! You're not well dressed until you've got go12 RTW Couture.
-Aeriana Eve, Fashion Correspondant

Celebrities Come Up for Spring. Yes, it was an exciting day at Aeriana Eve's house when the supermodel Kraft Dinner showed up, along with the superb designers of Ms. Yanoanimsomething and Mrs. Celebrity Wife. These esteemed designers of go12 planned this outfit in a matter of minutes, and the photo shoot truly was an eye-opening experience. Later on the famous quartet was joined by Necro, fashionably late. After enjoying gourmet Costco bulk style pizza, they headed out to the streets, closely watched by their fans. Indeed, hundreds of recycling boxes were simply blown away at the mere sight of them. They stopped at the door of k2, not a member of go12 but a close affliation. Only people this famous could just ring the doorbell of someone this prestigious. As they connected with their childhoods and the see-saws at the park, they also stopped by several more houses, unfortunately none of their visitees were home. Surely they were off on a plane somewhere, going to meet their fans. (Right JD?)
An exciting game of Truth/Dare/DoubleDare/PromiseToRepeat/FireInTheBarnyard/
MonkeyInTheAttic/RondezvousInTheDark kept the spirit going. Such frivolities occured as- Kraft pulling out Necro's hair, a Tree/Aeriana/Animosnosomething sandwich, and a lot of intimacy with inanimate objects. The game continued as they re-entered Aeriana Eve's dwelling and sat back at their apple juice beer and super flat coke.
Indeed, it was an uneventful day for these members of go12 and their affliations but it was most enjoyable to watch, as we've heard from countless recycle bins who were witnesses to the hours. Perhaps next time we'll be joined by more than 50% of the group! But of course, it's incredibly difficult to get all these famous people together. Of course.
-Aeriana Eve, A&E Staff Reporter

chug on

Yea. The hard times are a'comin'! First weekend rehearsal- five hours of...nothing. Nothing? Nothing. Ran the show pretty fast, considering it was supposed to last an hour longer. (If someone sends me the infamous vid, i'll YouTube it!) But good times...it's an old/new feeling, one I cherish. I know I'll be glad to see the back of MW come June, (hopefully) but I also know when I walk back into that room in September I'll love the smell of drama. Let loose.

Tighten up. Yep, March Break. A.K.A., "Tell yourself you're going to work your ass off and end up spending the entire week on your ass" week. Just like Christmas holiday and Easter long weekend and that P.A. Day you swore to take advantage of. I feel sick just thinking of going to school tomorrow, (probably because I pigged out all day) just because I'd much rather be at home relaxing. Or if not relaxing, at home actually working! And I can do that, during school hours. I'll accomplish a helluva lot more sitting where I am then where I'm going to be tomorrow.

And I'm going to have to. I'm going to need to work every minute of every period until my fingers are cramped and I'm yearning for my bed at 7:30pm, and I'm going to have to keep my eyes open long enough to finish that unit a day. I know I'm not going to do that. Friday 4th and 5th periods will always be the periods I'll try my hardest to work and fail. The half hour before lunch when I'm anticipating that meal will be useless. And I'm probably going to end up hallwalking and talking a bit more as well, but I swear to God I'll finish my courses. If I don't...there is no if I don't. But it's highly unlikely.

This brings grief into my heart and desperation closer than ever. I'm afraid of a calendar, I really am.

I end with a warning- if you're msging me and I'm not answering, or I'm simply not there it's because of one of the four most important things in my life. Working, sleeping, eating, and writing.

Dedicated to Marielaine, GO12, v3, TA36, and k2.

the joy of extended ta

I'm nerrdly, I know. Chock full of TA love and irony, and words like ENIGMA. *cough*COUGH.* (mumbles...) But there's something magical in TA36, especially during extended. Have I said this already? Does it matter? Having a crappy TA can mean a hellish high school for you, and I lucked out this time. Would things be different if I had...Zidar? Kopach? Small? Oh God yes. I'd be dead, that's how different it'd be. Anyways, things are moving along...unfortunately, I'm behind. By like, 20 units. But I'm doing a unit a day, with no break day so hopefully I finish early. Fat chance. I didn't work for like, six months. Back to my essays...I love being self-directed just because I can stay home when I want to. Otherwise, I hate it.

Here are some things I love about our TA...

The music.

The food.

The smart people!! Joking, joking.

I love you guys, I really do.

i <3 summer

This is OUTSIDE. Except covered in a layer of ice. Make it go away....
I just wanted to put that picture in because it's pretty and I took it. :P Also it's raining in WINTER...what is WITH that?? Suddenly it's raining. Let's pretend it's a fall picture.
What does that say to you? Hmm? WHAT DOES IT SAY?? It says good ol' summer nerdly fun.
This morning I woke up and my room was all sunny, (i love my wall colour) and it seemed so warm....no snow on my neighbours roof, and I though for a single happy moment, "YES! It's summer! It's Sunday! I can BREATHE!!!" and then I get out of bed and I'm frozen.

carry me

My burden I know it's heavy to hold.
Bodily weight flies high over our heads while
Heart ties pulling at the place I tied myself tight to you
I can't hold myself up without you
Don't let me go here
I can't fall all alone.
I know I'm being selfish,
To hold you back from what you think is right
To make it less real.
But you see you can't leave me here
I don't see how I can move on from this
My heart got buried with yours
It all sounds so wrong but I guess this is the only way to go
I can't make you stop
I can't make you stay
But just smile for me and tell me you'll try
And if days go by
Things don't seem to change,
I'll go down with you
Just don't make me leave it here

angel wings

All the people rushing by, by, by
looking for meaning in this life
so used up, and blinded by lies,
They're underneath the blue, blue sky
the way they seldom seem to smile
I don't know why.

'Cause I've been away too long
and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier.
Everyday I love you more.
I love you more,
and more.

Special Dedication to Marielaine...

Something about your friendship makes me at peace with myself.

I lie awake on a long, dark night
I can't seem to tame my mind
Slings and arrows are killing me inside
Maybe I can't accept the life that's mine
No I can't accept the life that's mine

Simple living is my desperate cry
Been trading "love" with indifference yeah it suits me just fine
I try to hold on but I'm calloused to the bone
Maybe that's why I feel alone
Maybe that's why I feel alone

Special Dedication to Shortman...

You help me breathe, when I wish I didn't have to.

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely and I mean it when I tell you that I need you
You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

Special Dedication to v3k, GO12, v4k2...

Because sometimes we're lame like that. And because I mean it.


You're my angel wings, you help me fly. You pick me up when I fall, sometimes
you know when I need to crawl just to move on. And when I'm around you,
I soar.

crayon warfare and further plans towards such

BANG! "We just bombed you right- here." A bright red x showed up on the guys side.
"Not even! We bomb you the-"
"You can't do that! That's inside the protective dome!"
"Then it goes through the door."
"Is this a MAGIC bomb?"
"No."
"Then it can't get through the magical door. Besides, we have God on our sides." A finger tapped a cross drawn haphazardly on the craft paper.
"Hey! You can't call God!"
"Pshh."

Is this recess at your local elementary school? No. Is this the screwed up dream of a lifetime sociopath? No. Is this Bush re-telling his discussion about how the wars been going? Probably. But really, it's v4k2- or more specifically vk vs. vk declaring war before five dinners arrived for seven people. (Sharing is economical.) The next day this discussion continued...

[*starSHINE].mW 1347: what soul? [ne.F]v4k2.36 says:
val, vvn and i are creating a restaurant
[*starSHINE].mW 1347: what soul? [ne.F]v4k2.36 says:
the first thing on the menu will be potato porcupine, followed by number 2, 4, and 13 pho, and then bento boxes, and then "hamburgers, to be shared" and then large ice cream scoops

It evolved still more...

~~AzN~~RiCe~~BoY~~ Full Of PIZZA!!! says:
were going to have this war at jackastors grr.
~~AzN~~RiCe~~BoY~~ Full Of PIZZA!!! says:
not at ur resturant

Yes, war. It's very real, and very painful, but within the confines of this odd blog, it's wax on craft paper and some very angry people. Bring it on guys. We have a magical dome.

myyyy honey

Ohkay so he's not actually mine. But he's awesome... welcome RJ!!!

saturday morning cartoons

More like Saturday morning American-style-Anime. And (pshh) real life people acting as if they're cartoon characters. I'm disappointed. Actually, those five, (count 'em) that's right five minutes of watching the commercials after Beyblade, (wth?) and the theme song of Zoey 101, (you're not going to get famous!) made my day. I was bubbly and hyper and totally on par during Mandarin that day. Granted, we got extra homework for throwing paper airplanes, (tiny ones, made out of post it notes) but no one checks that stuff anyways. And I kinda wasn't listening. So sure, there is such a thing as too much hyperness. I just didn't want to believe it was true.

But then there were fun times at mass...come home, eat lots of flip food, take a shower, leisurely pray your hair dries properly while dressing for church, then swearing and wishing you bought a hat when you realize it didn't. Meh. Usher's door was locked...went to the office...had a few laughs...had a LOT of laughs...then ran back to the ushers room just seconds before the opening chords struck up. And they were chords- monstrous ear splitting terrible minor chords. Plink Plink BAAAAANG. Yah that's all I remember. Oh good homily by Father! Power to the people, heh heh heh.

Then today I woke up to the wondrous tune of 10:00am, truly I did. I'm not even lying. Granted I barely slept- woke up at 5:00am, then sorta just lay there until a good sunday morning slothly tumble from bed. "Bmuragghh..." says the sloth. I anxiously awaited New Year's dim sum. I didn't want to tell you in the car val, or in the mall, or at the restaurant, or in the car, or in the office, or in the car, or in the mall, or in the car. Mostly because I forgot. But I dressed up early and when I saw your car I squealed and ran out the front door and saw- YOU! (Ohkay I'm going to stop addressing Val, as she never reads my blog anyways. Gr. =D ) Oodles of food and lai see! (LAI SEE DAU LOY!!! See, I remember.) So we ate, learned good oral hygiene, and shopped a little more. I got apple juice. HOORAH! Then I went home and listened to Val's extraordinary bargaining skills with little brother Betsy. Yes, gum still has a large trade value.

There's more, yes, there's more! (So ha DOOD. You know who you are, DOOD.) (More sugar? Yes, definately.) I sewed up another lucky envelope, (why don't you just Purchase an envelope? Saves my fingers...) and dashed over in the pouring rain wearing nothing but the thin shirt on my back and the hope that I could make this delivery safely...joking! I dashed over in the light drizzle with my hand-me-down jacket and my holey shoes, and yes, the hope that I would make the delivery safely. My mom made me bring my cell phone, in case I got lost on the way. Funfunfun... EEE!!! I can see through curtains too. I see you...BOO!

So ends the first wonderful weekend in a while...Gong hay fat choy! Now, lai see dau loy! Joking, joking! Geez...=D

(Yes, I'm still a bit hyper. Bzzz.)

destruction and reminiscence

September 26th 2005....
Going to Catholic school is like being force fed faith- rought going down and even worse coming back up.

September 27th 2005....
I worry for your falling, but a little for your soul. Or is this second fear a product of my Catholic upbringing, the IV hooked up to my veins. It's hard now, to know which is truth or speculation in all the SHIT you've fed us now. You guess but leave no room for interpretation.

December 5th, 2005....
Am I denied a faithful freedom- or past that, a freedom beyond my faith. For all my remarks and doubts- I remain Catholic. My vow, is ---this--- much harder to keep.

December 5th, 2005....
But this is real...

And the most eloquent of them all: January 5th, 2006....
Fur-ee pants get wet easily. (With a picture of furry pants next to it.) Is there any such thing as mouldy cheese? (Yes.)

I think I was waiting outside of Oriental Supermarket when I did the last one...that's just too random.

more than this

A quick note before I start: I added one of my Slide albums at the top. Click to see enlarged version.

You're ruthless. "Single-minded to the point of destruction."1 I don't believe you can really think like that at all! How can you live like that? No one chooses to exist on life based on this one thing that doesn't amount to anything, not now, not in the future. I can't understand this waste of time ticking by me. Everyone's moving forward and I'm stuck here watching. I'm reaching for you but all you say is, "let nothing get in your way" and suddenly...no. It doesn't even matter.

No! That was not me trying to be eloquent, or me trying to make a statement. It's just me ranting. Ranting quietly. Very quietly. In sentance fragments.

There's got to be more than this. Or just a way to get through it without actually being there. I know what the solution is- it's hidden in my animals. Or lurking on the other side of my locker walls. Floating up into the sky. But the solution is also the problem...or can I just not let go at all?

1. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...something about Bee.

skating @stc

Who: Mrs. Mosely, Aeriana Eve, and k2 (aliases) Faye, Kat, and Kenny (real names...or are they?) and Vivian, at some point.
What: Skating and Shopping
Where: S. Civic Center, and S. Town Center (a whole 100 meters away)
When: Friday, January...something, 2006.
Why: Because we wanted to fly!

You'll see. We got our butts down to SCC and skated, (or tried to) for about an hour. Then our toes froze. No, you see, I'm lying. Our toes and fingers and faces froze about 10 minutes after getting our skates on! But it's all good...none of us ran over any little kids, and any wipeouts were for good reason and covered up very nicely. Very nicely. We skated around, chasing each other, tug-boating, everything. Then we headed for STC and shopped around, and when we were headed out of the pet store, (puppies! bunnies! lizards!) we found Vivian. Ahh another lie. Vivian found us, and we walked around for a bit before heading home. Fun day, fun day!

PS: A copy of this post will be posted in The Power of What? group blog.

stolen from kirk who stole it from mel

1. name: kat
2. single or taken: tagle
3. sex: female
4. bday: may 10th
5. sign: taurus
6. siblings: older brother
7. hair colour: brown
8. eye color: brown
9. height: 5

lovers & friends
1. who are your best friends?: 123
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: can't you tell? i'm TAGLE.
3. did you send this to your crush?: nope
4. did your crush send this to you?: nope

fashion
1. where is your favourite place to shop: garage...ae...
2. any tattoos or piercing: ears?

specitics
1. do you do drugs?: everyday. are you jk? i am.
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: fructis
4. what are you listening to right now?: the tv
5. who is the last person that called you?: k2
6. where do you want to get married?: church
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 16
8. what would you change about yourself?: everything.

favourites
1. colour: pilurple
2. food: choklitte
3. boys names: adrian
4. girls names: aeriana
6. animals: bunnies
7. sports: soccer, baseball, tennis, badminton

have you ever..
1. given anyone a bath?: yep
2. smoked?: nope
3. bungee jumped?: nope
4. made yourself throw up?: yes..but i was sick.
5. skinny dipped?: nope
6: ever been in love?: yeah, i suppose
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: many times
8. pictured your crush naked?: nope
9. actually seen your crush naked?: nope
10. cried when someone died?: yeah
11. lied: yes
12. fallen for your best friend?: nope
13. been rejected?: ionno? kinda?
14. rejected someone?: nope
15. used someone?: yeah...i used her to get choklitte. from the magical elf. in toyland.
16. done something you regret?: everything.

clothes: track jacket, umm...a watchathingy...a...bath thingy?
music: nothing
make-up: nothing
pet peeve: lack of choklitte
smell: choklitte (not kidding)
desktop picture: flowers
favourite artist: olp, nickelback
favourite groups: GO12
book you are reading: handmaid's tale, oryx and crake, sixteen,
cd in player: the killers (thanks michelle!)
dvd in player: the one...about the boxer...the female one...who got euthanized
colour of toenails: the same colour they were yesterday

last person..
you touched: does big bunny count?
im'ed: vvn
yelled at: carlo
You kissed: does big bunny count?

you are..
Understanding: never
Arrogant: always
Insecure: forever
Interesting: not a chance
Random: definately
Smart: nope
Moody: only everyday of my life
Organized: i can be
Healthy: *cough* ex-er-cise?
Bored easily: yep
Shy: i can be
Difficult: yep
Attractive: nope
Messy: sometimes
Responsible: no
Hyper: occasionally...
Happy: no
Trusting: no
Talkative: yep

if you could you would..
Kill: the person who made choklitte not free.
Slap: *cough*
Get really wasted with?: (*creepy voice from that movie) i'll never tell...
Get high with: (*sigh) repeat creepy voice.
Talk to offline: God.
Talk to online: God. can i do that? (*lightning strikes.) guess not.

In the morning: i try to forget
All I need is: choklitte
Love is: math. (read dictionary part ii, see "kopach")
I dream about: babies, agenda's, failure

Coke or Pepsi: coke
Flowers or candy: CAAAAAANDY
Tall or short: short

What do you notice first: eyelashes
Makes you laugh the most: big bunny
Makes you smile: big bunny
Sit on the Internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: nope
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: nope.
Wish you were younger: sometimes...
Cried because someone said something to you?: yes

I know: i like juice. and cheese.
I want: to forget.
I have: no more cheese or choklitte. (*eyes brother's stash.)
I wish: i could fly.
I hate: many things.
I hear: my brother...(*decides not to eat choklitte)
I search: endlessly
I regret: my life
I love: choklitte

more randomness
1. Do you like fillings these out? not when they're this long...
2. How many people are you sending this to? the blogger world?
3. Who will send it back? those who have no time to waste yet insist on doing it. (like me!)
4. Gold or silver: silver
5. Favourite cartoon/anime: i forgot...
6. What did you have for breakfast this morning: break-fast?
7. Who would you love being locked in a room with: a maminal.
8. Could you live without your computer: (*laughs) no! (*eyes widen.)
9. Would you colour your hair: yea
10. Could you ever get off the computer: umm....yea?
11. habla espanol?: me no habla espanol. que?
12. how many people are on your buddy list?: way more than i can keep track of.
13. drink alcohol? i wish. no i can't take it, i'm lying. it tastes ICKY.
14. like watching sunrises or sunsets?: sunsets...then you know it's over, for the day.
15. what hurts the most?: when you open the cookie/cheese jar...and it's empty. *tear.
16. best words ever?: foff.
17. what now?: i'm going to my piano.

THAT WAS LONG. HOLYYYYYY....g'night guys. Thanks lil bro for letting me steal it off you..