HastyHasty

i was gonna go into tooth anatomy after XD
can i talk about tooth anatomy?
does water feel like it leaves a layer on your teeth?
like when you drink coke and it's like you can feel it eating at your teeth but actually it would take a lot of coke and not brushing to see the damage
aren't teeth WEIRD?
like my wisdom teeth were brown on the bottom
none of my baby teeth were brown on the bottom!
but all the diagrams show teeth are brown on the bottom. BROWN!
what is it with having white teeth anyways?
nobody in the olden days had white teeth and they got along fine
why is it that suddenly i've gotta pay $30 for little strips of plastic to have white teeth?
normal people don't have white teeth by this age!
kids have white teeth, kids haven't eaten enough in their LIFETIMES to not have white teeth
why don't people punch themselves more?
i mean, i know lots of people who hurt themselves to feel better and in our little group it's totally normal
parents gonna yell at you? run into a wall
fail a test? try to break your wrist by falling off something at a weird angle
really just feeling unhappy? eh, pull out a razor it takes so much less energy than the other two
i mean it feels GOOD
so it surprises me that other people haven't figured this out
it's like DRUGS!
but not like drugs because i don't really know what drugs are like except pot and legal drugs
and if we're talking about those drugs then it's nothing like drugs because those things mess you UP
so like it seems totally natural to me that people would run into walls and throw themselves down the stairs to feel better because it DOES make you feel better and they shouldn't be witholding that awesomeness just because it's "not normal"
have you ever bitten yourself?
my turtle bit me and people say some turtle digestive tracts carry salmonella so their poo carries salmonella and the poo is in the water so the water has salmonella and they swim in the water so their mouths have salmonella
but nothing happened so i just cut off the little flap of skin with my nail cutters after i boiled them
but when you bite a person it leaves this weird half circle like you bit will all your teeth even if it was only a few
sometimes it's fun to bite yourself on purpose but not so much that it leaves a mark because then people think you're a real weirdo and you could cover it with a long-sleeve but sometimes it gets hot and you really want to wear short sleeves but you've got a bite mark
people keep saying that it's bad but something that feels that good probably isn't that bad for you because they also say you should work hard and save for the future and eat well and stay out of the sun but who the fuck does that and isstill happy?
do you know anyone who does that and is happy?
i mean dr gerstein looks really unhappy and she acts like it and did you know she lives by herself and one time my dad went to a walk in clinic near his work and he saw her and she has this crabby look on her face and once i told heather and ann that she reminds me of a crab because she's so crabby
i used to think dr ramshaw was crabby but i only met him once and he asked me all these questions that didn't make any sense like was i afraid of something and obviously i am so i said spiders and he said what would you do if a spider came in here and i said nothing and he said huh and i was like wtf.
but then i was hospitalized the first time and i thought he was a douche because he said i had borderline personality disorder but i don't and then i found out later that's he's not a douche and he doesn't think i have the disorder but just that i cut and try to kill myself a lot which is only one symptom so i don't think that really qualifies as having BPD traits so he shouldn't have said that
i really really tried not to like paul from day hospital but i did and i was like no no no because i'd have to leave and stuff and then in the summer when the police made me go to the lorspital he was there and i was like, "don't like him don't like him" but i did and it was terrible so i tried to pretend i had never had paul for a social worker because he doesn't suck
and larry sucks and dr gerstein is mean but i tried to make it work but after paul it was like, "oh my god the grass is not only greener on his side but on my side it's not grass it's horseshit."
and at the last ramshaw appointment he kept bugging me to ask if i ever really liked any of the workers i'd ever seen in my entire life and i admitted that i liked paul and dr ramshaw said he's gonna ask to make an exception even though it's not in his job description and i really really hope that paul takes me because he's the most awesome social worker ever out of the five or six that i know
but i don't want to get my hopes up because that would be dangerous

i'm not done but my thumb hurts
stupid space bar

i'm a fast typer
sometimes people make fun of me cuz my WPM is like 80
but it's not really i just always mess up with those stupid typing tests
they're stupid

like the space bar which is unnaturally positioned
and larry and dr gerstein
but i want to keep larry and dr gerstein because larry is fun if you want to talk out loud and not on the phone and not on msn and dr gerstein is like my barbie doll
we gotta find her a ken!
she can have my brother he's kinda mean and he can get his best friend sarah to teach her fashion because it'll be awkward because she'll be my sister in law
that solves three problems because she won't be alone and he won't be alone and she won't be badly dressed
i type like more than a hundred words per minute if i want to
now i want to roll down the stairs but it's too loud for doing at nighttime so i don't know what i'll do because i don't ever want to get stitches from a stranger again because those people are ASSHOLES and i wish they would explode or something
or put a dynamite IN their assholes
and then leave it because it's mean to explode dynamite that's inside people's assholes
but i imagine it would be very uncomfortable and people would make fun of them and make assumptions about them like they make about cutters because cutters are just SMARTER PEOPLE
we're the next evolutionary standpoint
we work pain for our gain
we make ouches awesome
we're a million times better than a surgeon with a scalpal cuz we practise on ourselves
AND we know all about bones and how they break which is why i said if i jumped from the jungle bars yesterday i would get a compound fracture see i know
we also like walking through traffic with our eyes closed
and dinosaurs

Stolen from Jessica Moy =)

Okay, after all that heavy-heavy scar stuff, I had to post something way more light-hearted even though only Big Bunny, Rachel, and my dino will ever read it entirely.

Where was the first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?
Probably sitting next to a very big box, because I kissed Big Bunny last.

Who is your last text from and what does it say?
My phone actually doesn't get texts. I intend to fix that but... maybe later.

Burger King or Wendy's?
Wendy's! Their strange chicken nuggets make me happy.

Latest you stayed up in the past week?
4.45am, my ridiculous sleeping habits mean that I sleep until 2pm and stay up until the wee hours of the morning.

Have you ever showered with someone other than at school?
Yea. Fez, remember Fez from the Treehouse on YTV? Fez rocks.

Where are you right now?
At my desk. (Yes desk, not a kitchen table, not a bedside table, I actually have a desk now.)

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Human someone? Nelson/Shortman and uh...someone else that I'm going to keep secret.

What is the 7th text in your inbox say?
No texting again so the seventh thing in my email is
"Kat, I'm following up on your request. I hope to have an answer to you this week.rick"

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
Which ex?

Do you curse in front of your parents?
Yea, but only to freak them out.

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Roller coasters, kiddie rides, people who say BOO...

Where is your mom right now?
In the kitchen, like a good 50's mom should be! Too bad it's 2009.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing, so I could say sketching, writing in my diary, or filling out my mood tracker. Damn that thing is annoying.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
We'll see. Wait, are doctors and social workers people?

What girls can you tell everything to?
The ones made of 100% polyester, the girls from Day Hospital group, and one or two friends.

The last person you talked to on AIM/MSN?
Christine and Pau, discussing when to go get KBBQ tomorrow.

Can you play guitar hero?
Yea. I mean, not well, but I CAN play! Fine. My seven year old nephew is better than I am.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm! At least in warm weather you aren't in pain, you're just uncomfortable.

What do you currently hear right now?
The sound from my brothers TV coming right through the wall, my typing, and some Keane.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
People say baseball is the most boring sport to watch, but I like it. I like playing it too, even though I suck.

Four things you did yesterday?
Put out new cards at Chez Carlton, squealed like girly girls with Yathusha and Andrea, tied a balloon to the Bentley store across the hall, and fed my turtle.

Do you like zombies?
No, but I think Marc Phen does...

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yea, it's wet! I mean, wetter than you'd think. But it still tastes good and it makes you feel like you should be in a movie with the camera panning away.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?
Yup. Wait, are we talking humans here? Still yea.

What are you doing tonight?
Procrastinating and thinking about calling up Jono and going to the movies anyways, or finding out where Konrad's party is.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant?
Two cousins, neither of whom are showing. One of my other cousins is newly un-pregnant. :D

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Definitely.

Does anyone hate you?
Yea, but it usually goes both ways.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends what happened with the first chance. But usually yes.

Do you want a small or big wedding?
Medium, but considering how much family I have, it's probably gonna have to be huge. Then again, some of them will probably object to attending a lesbian wedding.

Who was the last girl you talked to?
My lola.

How do you feel right now?
Anxious. Is that a surprise?

How many people do you truly trust (not family)?
Family would be like, two people. Others...four. I won't name names because that has the potential to create a gigantic catastrophe.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
Yesterday!

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I try to, but I know from experience that wanting to forgive someone doesn't neccessarily mean that you can.

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?
Hands, paws, feet...

When was the last time something bothered you?
Like, 20 minutes ago.

Who in your life has hurt you the most?
Three people immediately come to mind.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
I'd rather my partner have a gorgeous heart. =)

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Saturday.

Where's the person you miss most?
There are a lot of people I miss, but I could always hop on a bus/bike and see them right now.

Do you have a best friend?
Does this person have to be human?

Have you ever broken someones heart?
I sincerely doubt it.

Do you love someone that doesn't know you love them?
Yea, Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow. XD

Are your eyes the same color as your mom's or dad's?
Neither, mine are lighter than both my parents, although still brown.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yup.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Yup.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Yea, three or four people. I'll do what Jessica did and say them here, It's not going to work out, You're being a total drama queen, you kinda annoy me.

Ever kissed under water?
No.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Logically, it doesn't make sense, but I think age matters. When you're past your teens I don't think it counts for nearly as much.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Say hullo to Speedy, the turtle queen.

If you could give your parents one gift, what would it be?
A maid service.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
No.

Do you like to hold or be held?
Hold me now.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

How many times have you eaten sushi?
Once. Everytime we go out for ayce sushi I try salmon sashimi, and everytime I don't like. So I stick to my cooked meat.

Do you have any saved texts?
No, my phone is messed up.

Could you go a day without eating?
Yea, definitely.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Left side.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
A wise person once said that another wise person once said that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin.

Where is the next place you will travel to?
Unless this kbbq thing happens, the lorspital.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?
Shh, yea.

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Most of the time I'll shudder if you touch me.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Nope.

Would you leave the one you love for the hottest person in the world?
What kind of a stupidass question is that?

Last book you read?
Red Audrey and the Roping, it's all confusing and awesome. Suffice it to say, lesbians, surfing, suicide, head trauma.

Would you move to another country to be with the one you love?
I don't know if I would. I always thought I would move to BC, but then my cousins started having children and I don't think I could stand to be away from my nieces and nephews.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
Yar, of course!

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home?
I wish my home was out of this house!

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Present. The past makes you sad about what used to be, and the future freaks me out because there are so many options that are shrinking by what I do in the present.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
You mean before I gained 15 pounds and had four medications a day and been commited and stuff? Maybe. I like the wisdom that came with all that shit, except the weight gain.

Your current relationship status?
Alone. Sometimes I mind it, but mostly I feel that being somebody's girlfriend would just drain her of all life force.

Do you prefer short or long haired girls/boys?
Short.

Do you even KNOW how to do the laundry?
Oh god! I know how to do every other kind of cleaning but this.

Who's the last person that told you they loved you?
Big Bunny.

Do you ever think "what if" about anything?
I think "what if" about everything, that's the philosophy of The Keerie.

If you were mad would you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Queer group therapy has taught me to communicate assertively, so...probably not. That's just scary.

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
Only if your first love is your only love.

You're trapped in a room with your ex for 3 days, what do you do?
Make earplugs and a wall between the two of us. There is only so much stupid talk I can listen to.

Who's the last person you had a sleep over with?
Jono, Marc Phen, and Nelson. My dad was horrified that I slept in the same room as three boys because it would "look bad." Who is looking?

Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Only about a bajillion times. The most recent being me sneaking up to the clinic to make an appointment while hiding from my doctor behind my hair. XD That was really, really funny.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Big Bunny, online Christine, in the real world...Dr. R, for some reason I just started tearing up.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Romantically and on purpose, no. For other reasons I don't think I can control, yea.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yea!

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Technically both. I like to shower at 1am.

Did anyone witness your last kiss?
Yea. Rachel witnessed me kissing Big Bunny. Human wise, a whole pile of people witnessed me kissing my niece and nephew after visiting the new little baby in our lives.

Do you like your name?
No, not really. It's long and weird and I don't think it really fits me.

How many months until your birthday?
4 months and uhh...3 days.

You could cuddle with anyone right now who would you pick?
Ellen and Portia, or the rest of my aminals.

When was the last time you were on the phone after 2 AM?
When was the last time I was on a phone for personal reasons?! Years, probably!

Have you ever been called a bitch?
You can't be this smart and devastatingly beautiful without people calling you a bitch. ;)

Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
Nope.

What is the wallpaper on your phone?
A picture of Speedy.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
Either the hospital or the floor at work, sleeping on top of all the quilts and crap that we sell. Yea, I think it was work. XD

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
I barely remember what I did TODAY. But I could check my diary for you!

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed?
My house.

Can you run a mile?
Now when you say run, you mean....?

Whens the last time you pulled an all nighter?
January 12th, my god that night sucked.

Beneath

Scars from the past six months are different. These are flat and coloured dull red, as opposed to the littering of white, raised scars of a year past, and these are different from those six years past. Arms and thighs read like braille, telling the story of nearly all my teenage life.

The reddened scars are mostly indents. Half of them probably warranted stitches, but only one is outlined with the tell-tale spots of carefully placed thread. For now they are more conspicuous than the rest, but these too will fade. What remains is beneath the skin. Fingers feel the scars that lie nearly half centimeters deep, thick stripes of healed flesh.

Often I don't want anyone touching me. But sometimes...sometimes I wish the doctors who give a cursory glance, enough to make a note in their charting, would stop and run their fingers over them. I wish those whose faces harden at the sight of them, (including doctors) would pause and make real the circumstances that brought me to these scars.

When I'm anxious I poke my hand up my left sleeve and search them out, tracing each one. These are what comes out of getting through. Although I wish I could choose to hide them, I know that each one represents me getting through, though one or two represent my not wanting to.

Wanting the searing flash of pain and calm interlude that follows each wound is completely separate with the scars it creates, but I haven't any idea what to do without either.

All this is my normal. This is my "everynight". Eventually, it becomes something else to different people. To ER docs and nurses, it can become an annoying hassle. To friends and family, a shocking reminder that all is not right. I forget that a lot, and take for granted that it isn't normal for everyone else as well.

The Sperm Guy

Alright, this is my third post of the day, but this will be short. Let's begin.

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of taking a friends sperm and using it, so we're going to be working off of the sperm bank sheets. This is the ideal candidate.

- No history of mental illness
- Little to no history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, degenerative diseases, etc.
- Taller than 5'7 but not taller than 6'3
- Not a jerk
- Happy in his career of choice
- Interests include some that are also interests of my wife and I
- Aesthetically pleasing

I have planned that if I am not married by the time I'm 32 I'll have a baby on my own, because having a child is something I want more than the fancy wedding and the perfect house. I'll love it and name it Adrien or Elijah or Avy or Eve or Aeriana. I'll breastfeed. I'll listen and have a difficult time letting it out of my sight. I'll save up for it's education. I won't make it wear pants with elastics at the bottom. Eventually my child won't need me and I'll feel empty and won't know what to do with myself for a while. I'll get really pissed when bad things happen to it, and try to do everything for it. Mostly I'll just try to give my baby a good life with balance and a sense of fulfillment. I hope one day I can.

Previous Posts: The Wedding
Upcoming Posts: The return of Dino Driver, The House, and The Life

The Wedding

I really liked Ellen's wedding. I love the vintage chairs and muted colours, and how dinner was set up in a tent with silk fabric everywhere. The wedding was tasteful and quite small.

I really like that tent, but seeing as I don't own a giant house or a backyard the size of a small zoo the wedding would be held in formal gardens with water running by it and a little cottage tucked just behind trees. (For the washrooms, a space for my love and I, and all the the other stuff that needs to be inside. We'd set up the tent, same as Ellen and Portia, except much larger. I suppose I'd let people sit where they want. Now, I don't really like circular tables because it makes conversation difficult. Rectangular tables are ugly, so I'll stick with square tables with rounded edges. They will be covered with fabric in the same muted colours as we decide, but those will be sprayed with stuff to prevent spills and stains from really eating into the fabric.

I've always wanted an off the shoulder dress, but I found another one that I really like. It's strapless but with a lace jacket over it, removable of course. One layer drapes diagonally across the front, and the bottom is just short enough that you can see my feet underneath. The hem is done in lace to match the mantilla veil I'll wear. Dress and veil will be chapel length in a soft white or cream colour. I think I'll wear the same tiara as my debut, with the pearls and small flowers and crystals. My hair will be in a classic updo, but with soft waves. I'll wear makeup that highlights my eyes and makes me look really clear skinned without looking gross. I'll paint my nails that light pink/shimmer I like and file the edges as usual, cuz god knows without filing it I'll ruin them pretty much immediately. Oh, and I'll definitely have a satin garter without the lace, because lace is itchy right next to your skin. (Jasmine Bridal, style F164.)

I'll invite one-connection family, as in my cousin but not my cousins in-laws. Lots of kids, Tristan and Carlo will be 18, the age I am now, but Christian, Kyle, and Heather's baby boy will be 10. (This is based on the 10-year-plan of marriage by 28.) We'll invite our friends that we talk to fairly often. I'll try to keep my side of the guests under 50, which might be hard since our family seems to be growing exponentially right now. Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, and Elephant will be present. Speedy will be watching from a kiddie pool with water and rocks for basking. The attire will be white tie and I expect to see tails!

The ceremony will be held outside, in the garden as well. Definitely no church wedding, as that was the scene of a lot of panic attacks. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being "given away" so that's not going to happen. I haven't really thought about the ceremony a lot, I imagine that would be something I'd discuss a lot with my wife, since I've already planned the rest of the wedding. :) Oh, except that we'll sign the stuff with my G-Tec C4, because I'm definitely going to be OCD about that.

Now we all sit down to dinner. I think being served your food is stupid. It always takes too long and you end up getting stuff you don't like, and too little of the stuff you do like. The problem with buffets is that you always have to wait, so each table will have a little guestbook and it will be mandatory that they sign it. Since we'll be taking photos in between the ceremony and reception I'll have food put out along with some wet-naps or baby wipes or something. Ketchup chips, (bite me, I like them so we're gonna eat them on my wedding day) tiny fried chicken, fruit plates, Five Alive Tropical, those tiny sirloin steak thingies from Ten Ichi which goes with sushi sashimi and tempura, lettuce for Speedy, Dairy Milk chocolate, street vendor hot dogs, tater tots, whatever else my favourite foods are at that time, and my wife's favourite foods.

Then that will all be put onto the head table, the floor will be swept evenly, and we'll make our entrance. "Please welcome for the first time...Mrs. Blar Blurgablur and Dr. Katherina Blurgablur!" We'll kiss gently and embrace lovingly, then dance our first dance for as long or short we want to. We'll join the wedding party at the head table, which might be shaped like a paint splotch so we can all talk to each other. While people give speeches we'll eat the appetizers. I'll make sure that the audio is good because I hate it when you can't hear stuff. Cute stories are good, inside jokes not so good, speeches over 5 minutes also not good. (Although we want them long enough to eat.) My wife and I will talk about how much we love each other, she'll joke about how I planned my wedding at 12 and then re-planned it at 18, I'll joke about her weird hobbies and how we met.

Finally, time for dinner. We'll turn on the heaters for Speedy. People will be signing guestbooks and also snacking on the food on their tables while we get them through the buffets. We'll serve Lolo's larger fried chicken, salad with a tangy vinaigrette on the side, Tita Deni's adobo, feeder fish for Speedy, carrots and stuff for Big Bunny Regular Bunny and Elephant, mashed potatoes with no lumps, fish and chips style scallops, fried rice, steamed rice, vegetarian and meat lasagna, ribs, crepes, french toast, pot roast, spaghetti, gnocci, pancakes, waffles, pizza, salmon, tilapia, chicken teriyakki, roesti, and of course my wife's and my favourites foods at that time. Drink choices will be more Five Alive Tropical, lemonade, c-plus, different kinds of granita, and alcohol- but not beer or hard drinks or gross wine or champagne. Only the good stuff, which I find usually doesn't have alcohol in it.

Dessert will be ice cream cake with the little crumblies, more granita, soft ice cream, Dairy Milk chocolate, strawberries dipped in chocolate since people seem to like those a lot, even more fruit plates, a tiny sampling of fruits for Speedy, whatever Big Bunny Regular Bunny and Elephant want, raspberry sorbet, warm cookies, sapin-sapin, dried mangoes, crackers, red and orange jello separately, and last time, whatever my wife and I want at that time.

We'll leave all the food out, still warm or cold, but push it to the side because I always get hungry in the middle of the dancing. We will dance as if we have no bones, just all out flinging around because it's fun, then open the dance floor. Perhaps 1.5h in I'll stop the dancing and declare, "NO SHOES!" At that point everyone must remove their shoes, because even if your feet aren't in pain, your shoes could hurt someone elses bare feet. We will dance, the kids will play, and eventually we'll sneak away and my wife will remove the satin garter with her teeth.


Here are the presents I want for the wedding/shower.

• Good, simple, light cutlery
• That blender that can blend bricks
• Microwave
• Toaster Oven
• Lingerie
• Tool Set (although I'll probably have one already, cuz I want one for my 19th birthday)
• Power tools
• A screwdriver with all the different types of ends and a magnetic tip
• Good but dishwasher friendly and unbreakable plates/bowls/smaller plates/etc
• Corelle White, because everybody has one
• A set of glasses for drinking and everyday, see guide for plates
• Even more co-ordinated things for organizing
• Appliances would be nice, but they might come with the house
• VACUUMS

Upcoming Installments: The return of Dino Driver, The House, The Sperm Guy, and The Life

Quadruple Post

Big Sister Nayah showing the things she got for her new little brother Christian- Foofy the bear and a yellow car.

Today is the birthday of three people in my life. Zoey, who has been a constant in my life for more than a year now. Tito Larry, who is quiet but loving. And now, Christian Singh, my niece/nephew No. 13.

He's got a squished face, (Nayah's description, but I agree) and tons of hair. He looks shocking like his dad. His cry is not nearly as shrill as some of the other nieces and nephews, but it still kinda hurts my ears.

He's the only infant who hasn't cried when I got near him! Granted, I know that really small babies don't really like me, so I stay away. I wish they did though, I love them when they're tiny. Oh, speaking of which, Christian weighed exactly 7lbs and kinda reminds me of a football. Check out my excitement, as portrayed by dance. It's actually really, really funny, not like my other videos.


I'm practising photography and it's kind of cool. All I know how to do is ISO, white balance, and macro but my pictures are stay way better than they used to be. I'm still working on the lighting, but the only light I have is my Happy Light, which gives off kind of a cold, though well dispersed light. I hope I get better!

Working while Bunny and Rachel watch Lilo & Stitch.

I'm starting an etsy shop! Right now, this is my workspace. I did get a desk, but I hope I don't have it for long because I'm going to call the manufacturer. It's wobbly and the leg room is lacking. Anyways, I've got wholesale sources and a Gocco, and I'm slowly building up inventory. I'm learning all about business, crafting, photography, and online stuff all at once! Although I love my Gocco to bits, it ate up my capital so my current fav new toy is my Fiskars Paper Trimmer. It's orange and fantastic. I'll post the link to the shop when I get started, target date is March 1st.

Then, Now, Then

So I found CD's with a whole pile of pictures from 2004. I put them up on Facebook and there was a frenzy of comments and nostalgia, which was cool, but...eh. That's a time I'm glad we went through, but I'm also glad it's over. That year was pretty difficult.

The present photo doesn't really have anything to do with right now, but I think it's pretty funny. Look at the look on Jono's face, and then look at Speedy. Recently Dr. Ramshaw added a new med to the mix so I'm taking 100mg lamotrigine, 90mg duloxetine, and 100mg trazodone every night. I used to be iffy about meds, but everytime I crash I know that I want to be doing whatever I can to stop that from happening again. Although when I'm crashing I think I can make that happen by killing myself... Anyway, I know that without medication I would never reach a point where I can participate in treatment and you know, not kill myself. Okay, the massive meds still kinda irk me...

I don't think the woman in the "future" photo is gonna be my wife. I put her up because I love her dress, and I found it while perusing this awesome wedding website. Wedding=future? She's pretty though, huh. My friends and I have been spending a lot of time imagining ideal futures. There's enough of the present to deal with, I like talking about getting married, being inseminated, having kids, a house, an M.D...

You know, spinning the yarn of my wedding plans got long, so I'll post that seperately.

Oh well!

I HAD started strewing my things around the house...a book there...a pair of shoes downstairs...a strange rattle on a stick with rainbow streamers... You know what? Whatever.

Somemoreecards

And here's the first post from someecards.

1 Jan 2009

Most of the time I don't think I can do this.
The hurt aches too deep -
too far for my knife
too far for pharmacology.


~

I am below the sea.
I am far away I am not here
- deep fear.
My heart to hold.

Springs beneath my chest below my breast my heart to hold.
Not yours
no strings to play
it beats for me.
What of this piece within me lives?

I feel from far away my mind blank without a body I am floating with my heart.
Muscle and bone a task to own,
our peace
a challenge
in dirt, inert, my own.

Bells ring for me, in my head
chastise the scene
the secret
the hope below my breast beats for me, for me, for me

Kat's Zoo

Under the right circumstances, I think I would have a zoo. Here is just a taste of what would be goin' on at Kat's Zoo.

Bunnies
Bunnies are my favourite animal, as you can probably tell with Big Bunny. They'd have a great big yard to jump around in, a fabulous burrow, a ramp leading up to a bathtub with vegetables growing inside it, and a shallow pond.

Turtles
I would have sea turtles, box turtles, semi-aquatic turtles, land turtles. Oh, the basking area! Oh, the swimming! Oh, the digging!

Sea Otter
Yes, of course I would have sea otter. Lookit them! They are the epitome of cute! They'd hang out in the water too, but I'd make a cool rock and plants area for them.

Hedgehogs
Hedgehogs have tiny, tiny limbs. There's a turtle dad on the forum who has a hedgehod named Cloud, who was my introduction to the world of all hedgehogian. I don't know much about how to take care of them, but I would if I had a zoo!


Ducks
Call ducks are awesome. They come in lots of colours, (including the white one's we all know) and quackquackquack everywhere. Swim, play, these ducks would be happy in my zoo.

Penguins
Penguins waddle. They WADDLE! That's all you need to know!

Giraffes
Giraffes are taller than anyone, so I would not be alone in feeling short around them. They've got this grace even though their legs are so higgledy-piggledy, and they've got amazing eyelashes.

Kat's Favourite Quotes from Elvira Kurt - Big Girl Now

Watch it here! You gotta see her facial expressions, they're hilarious. Her eyes are ginormous.

"I've been living in LA for a year now, but I love coming back to Canada. I guess it's just as the old saying goes, 'Home is where the health care is.'"
"Things are advancing needlessly. Why, for example, does Tampax have a website?!"
"We're raising a generation of namby-pambies! Those are two great words right there."
"Let the little one-eyed bastards play!"
(Referring to those spinning wheels of doom at the playground) "Now it's just a stump left with grass growing all over it where you can take your little overprotected snot-nosed kid of today and say 'yea, that's where we lost grandpa.'"
"But you can't go up to the baby....you can't shove your big finger up in their face and go, 'SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD MY EARS HURT TOO' because suddenly Nooo! You're the one with the problem!"
"I just crapped my pants."
"Wouldn't it be great if relationship could just end mutually the way it began, you just wake up one morning and go, 'Wow, I am so over you.' 'Yea, me too! Fortunately we've labelled all our things and put them in seperate rooms!'"
"I say, if you find someone that you're really compatible with, someone you really see as a soulmate, someone you see yourself staying with from now to eternity, I say, why ruin that relationship by staying together? Why not have every relationship only last those few honeymoon months!"
"We come back three months from now someone stands up and yells 'ROTATE!'"
"Oh darlin' is there somethin' stuck in my ass?"
"Come 'ere, who's my little shoehorn?! Come hug your toiletduck, who loves you!"
"How you found this, as I have, that we know more about Americans than they know about...anything?"
"Although, I would like to take this time and talk to you about Jesus if I could. [...] How frightening would that be?"
"I always come in with a Winona Ryder hope and dream and I always come out with a David Schwimmer reality."
"Yes my secrets out! I love pantsuits! Damn you your narrow minded ways!"
"So that's what a lesbian looks like. How come I couldn't tell? Perhaps I'll just sketch her for future reference."
"Right now my parents are at that perfect height where you just want to put carrying case handles on their head. It would be so much easier that way...Get in the car. Stop arguing, YES, I'll take you to a buffet, shut up!"
"'HEY LADIES!' - that's how I'd say it - 'HEY LADIES!' - that's the kind of comic I was - 'HEY LADIES, DONCHA HATE IT WHEN YOUR MAN HAS A PENIS!' Oh shit."
"I'm not a hundred percent butch, but I do have my butch qualities. [laughter] I do, I don't know why people laugh there!"
"I fall into this nebulous grey area in the middle that I like to call, Fellagirly! You know the attitude, 'I'll get it! Hold my pumps.'"
"Excuse me I see naked people up there, is this Caribana?"
"Can you see my mom at a PFLAG meeting? 'Hi my name is Irene I wish I was dead.'"
"She wouldn't be any help on the crisis line- 'Give up it's only gonna get worse!'"
"I can just imagine her seeing people at the supermarket. 'My daughter? No. No. What she doing? Oh. My daughter- is a comedian. And a lesbian. Both at the same time. Is a dream come true.'"
"I just remember being very, very angry. I ran home at lunchtime, pushed the front door open and went, 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUT THERE? Who are you people? What the hell am I wearing?!"

These Things I Remember

There's a lot going on right now that I'm not ready to talk about, school being one of them. But there's also a lot I need to get out.

---

This is the second time I'll have filled out a test for PTSD. (Post-traumatic stress disorder.) I understand that I seem to fit the bill in all ways except one- I haven't had a "stressful experience". I've said it before, so why am I still getting this sheet? What does, "I haven't formulated it yet" mean? It's starting to freak me out.

I keep remembering right before my appointment this Thursday, PTSW sat down next to me and I was all paranoid that he was going to assess me right there, and I obviously had one of my notebooks and a pen out and I wanted to write about how awkward that would be when Dr. Ramshaw showed up and they talked about meds and stuff. Then Dr. Ramshaw went, "She's taking notes," and PTSW said, "She's always taking notes" and they laughed. And there is nothing significant about that but it's stuck in my head.

Wow uh, I guess there's WAY more I don't feel like talking about.

Blast from the Past: Patient/Doc Talk 1

After reviewing some of the documents I've got hiding on my laptop, I've decided to post them for you. Comments are EXPECTED! (and most appreciated)

To Conclude Our Introduction…

In the unprecedented event of the year, a crack team of psych patients/ intelligentsia/ queer folk came together to make a series of statements regarding the state of adolescent affective disorder mental health care in the East end of Toronto. Here are the results of that collaboration.

1. EYEDROPS ARE RECCOMMENDED FOR PSYCHIATRISTS.
In a test conducted by the team, 5/5 psychiatrists demonstrated a "strategy" in which a question of considerable difficulty finding an answer to is asked. Upon asking, the psychiatrist tilts their head and stares at the already confused patient who is trying to find an answer; answering honestly, the patient may say "I don't know." In response, the psychiatrist simply stares longer with a small smile upon their face. A few minutes later, the same question is asked, prompting the same cycle, until the patient ultimately lies in order to get out of the loop.
NOTE: This, “extreme stare contest” results in anxiety for the patient and negates the answer completely.

2. SOCIAL GROUP RECCOMMENDED FOR PSYCHIATRISTS.
Most people are able to read body language and non-verbal messages well. However, psychiatrists exhibit a serious deficiency in deciphering anything other than clear, verbal messages. The team strongly recommends that psychiatrists refer themselves to a program that teaches basic social skills. If this is impossible, we ask that doctors practice receiving messages. They may receive feedback directly from the patient. (i.e. “Do you mean, you’re really hungry?” The patient will either confirm or redirect this interpretation.) Whatever the patient may be saying, the psychiatrist must be able to accept their answer and work from there.

3. PATIENTS ARE NOT AS SUGGESTIBLE AS THEY SEEM.
Yes, it’s true. Symptoms do not always develop as a result of the patient reading about them. Patients may read about a symptom they have that they didn’t know was pathological and may start presenting with said symptom because they now know that it isn’t normal. It is also possible that a patient may beat the doctor to a diagnosis!
NOTE: Failure to recognize alternative reasons may result in patients not disclosing these symptoms to their workers because they feel they are talking about their problems and not getting any help for it.

4. PSYCH PATIENTS ARE PROBABLY ALSO MEDICAL PATIENTS.
When a known psych patient presents with medical problems, they should see a medical doctor who can asses the patient as a whole rather than as a brain. You’d think this would be a given, but apparently not. Look, I’d rather barf in an emesis basin than on your shoes but if you’re going to be stubborn; I’ll throw up wherever I can.

5. ALL WORKERS MUST LEARN PSY TIME.
Psy Time is an important skill to have. It is a fairly simple concept- the issues a patient faces do not go away between appointments. Although an issue may seem easy to bear with until the next appointment, the patient may not see it the same way. Appropriate action should be taken in perspective of how the patient may be affected throughout the time until a follow-up appointment.
The team recommends that all workers be mandated to learn Psy Time.

6. MEDICATIONS ARE NOT MAGIC/ PATIENTS ARE NOT GUINEA PIGS UNLESS THEY ARE.
The team hopes that all workers are able to differentiate between guinea pigs and people. The guinea pig or Cavia porcellus are usually palm-sized and covered in fur, whereas humans are… not. Refer to size and furriness when unable to decide species.
Although a medication is indicated for treating disorder A, not every patient will respond to it. If the patient has given the medication a fair run and does not feel it is working, don’t stick around. The side effects are not worth it for a med that doesn’t work. Speaking of side effects, a patient who complains of something not listed on the drug monograph should be taken seriously. These medications are so new that it’s hardly worth their trust to argue for a pill. Either way, the patient doesn’t care if something is on the monograph or not, it’s still happening to them. Listen carefully and make changes where needed.

Dear Mr. Clean,

Dear Mr. Clean (and the TTC),
I have a proposal for you. Mr. Clean, I will accept free products up to and including magic erasers in exchange for free advertising on the TTC. TTC, I will accept free advertising and metropasses in exchange for my cleaning services. Area hospitals, the same offer stands for you.

I will provide my renowned cleaning skills to the TTC and hospitals in the GTA in exchange for metropasses, gauze, and question-free stitching. Yes, I can turn those subway stations whatever colour they are under that grime. Yes, I can remove the stains from your walls. Yes, I can even brighten the colour of your carpets and seats.

I have long wished to scrub TTC vehicles with magic erasers and a little water. In fact, I've considered using my own magic erasers to clean up the buses while I ride them, but I've decided that would be a little weird. I've also considered layering everything I touch with a fresh plastic tarp, but I don't have any.

Please, for the love of all that is good and clean, accept my proposals. I'm not joking. Seriously. Let me clean! Don't make me get my Windex!

Most Sincerely,
Katherina M Yerro

I Win!!!

You know what's funny? When you do something bad but you don't realize it until after it's happened. And then suddenly, the voices in your head are screaming that you should have known and you're such a fucking idiot and you should be punished for being a bad person. And no matter what you've done in the past, what good or bad, you're a terrible, no-good, bad bad person and you should die. Suddenly you're hoping for a car crash so you can get out the words, "D.N.R." and hope it comes to that, and if not, you've got another solution. But that solution means you're a stupid terrible no-good bad bad person. Oh well, it works.

Since the voices are in my head...does that mean I win?

I hope you all die.

You know, out of the 18 years I've been alive, I've probably spent 1 year of that waiting for other people.

I'm going to punish everyone who has ever made me wait more than an hour. Watch out, I might plant knives in seats so you sit down and stab yourself in the ass. Or maybe I'll spread rumours about you. Perhaps you're an easy lay if people just try you. I might just poison your food so you spend a day or two vomiting constantly. Oh, I probably won't do any of those things. It'd be stupid after posting this blog up.

I've got to go set up some traps now.

Dear Doctor

I wanted to tell you many things today. There is some change I want to make, but now I'm scared again. There is a change I've already made, but I decided I couldn't tell you. There are revelations I've had that I think you'd find stupid.

Dear Doctor Gerstein, I wanted you to know something but I don't think you'd listen.
Dear Larry, I'm frightened of tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to leave empty handed, sotospeak.

I dislike getting rides after therapy because during that ride I forget everything that happened, and I'm left with this strange feeling that I can no longer explain. And when I'm on the bus I can look as sad as I want, but not in front of you, family. God forbid I look weak in front of you.

GOD! GOD, why is this happening?

I should be angry! I should be so pissed about the things you all have said! But instead of that, I just feel terribly sad. Why is it that you all communicate about the things that are wrong?! Why, for once, can't you communicate when something important happens, like I figure something big out and tell you, or something like that... I'm not SCARED to be HAPPY. You dumbass...I don't carry this knife around because I'm scared of happiness! I carry it for the exact opposite! Why are you...just...I feel so uninvolved! You all writing notes to each other, except for Larry because I've never seen him write anything down ever, deciding things without me. About me. Go to hell, honestly.

Just go to hell.

Dear You

This week I realized that I hurt myself when I'm mad at other people.

Stupid, isn't it?

So from now on, I'm hurting them instead.

By the way, I'm not waiting for YOU anymore.

I'm Just Fine.

So guys, I know before I cut down on my "case load" I was getting slammed with crisis (that's plural) left and right, and I couldn't handle it. I'm trying not to slam any of you with one of mine, so I'm just going to write here. First a couple letters-written-never-sent, always a favourite of mine.

Dear Steph and Denyse: (whom I know are never going to read this, and don't know about this, so it's not creepy, right?)
I sound like a broken record, talking about how being at Group* taught me to be assertive. But at home, I didn't talk. As in, something would happen and I wouldn't talk, it kinda felt like I physically couldn't do it. Group gave me a voice and although I'm sure there are lots of people who wish I still didn't talk, it is one of the most important things that has changed for me. When I feel like I can't talk, or when someone isn't listening to me, I feel so helpless and so lost. With a voice I am empowered! So Group does mean a lot to me, it does.

On that note, I feel helpless.

*Okay, in all the books I read they capitalize it because it's this big thing, either something the protagnoist hates or loves or disdains, and I love Group so it gets a capital from me too.

Dear Anna: (ditto the other note about non-creepyness)
I'm not sorry I said your ideas are stupid and you're teaching things wrong, because you are. I think the least I can ask of a teacher is that they know what they teach. Yes, you admitted that you're not certified, so you could at least listen to what your ENTIRE CLASS is saying to you repeatedly. That would be below the bare minimum.

I'm not sorry I said it in front of the entire class, because we all tried to tell you otherwise in more polite ways. If it didn't appear to upset Anthony and Jeffrey so much, I'd do it again, because you STILL DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE.

Some constructive criticism?
1. Listen to your students.
2. Don't teach what you don't know, that's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. (That goes for ALL teachers!)
3. BACK OFF. Ever heard of personal space?
4. You might want to stop parading around the fact that you're a "professional musician" because it's making you look really, really bad.

Dear Larry, (ditto for creepyness)
Your attachment to the combination of me, and the phrase "professional patient" irks me greatly. I am not becoming a professional patient, I am trying to become a professional. Spending time I should be using on work researching stuff? That's not professional patient either, that's bad priority setting. You saying that I get something out of being a patient is...well, first of all it's false because I don't feel like you're actually supporting me, but secondly, isn't that the point?

Larry, I want for this to work. I want for you to be the social worker I click with, but you're not. Working with you for the CBT was good, I learned a lot from that workbook you made me do. But honestly, when I tell you I'm sad and I've been thinking about suicide a lot, that's your cue to help me help myself NOT think about it so much- not for you to say, "That's where the borderline comes in!" and launch into another story about your in-laws. I don't...I understand that you've been a social worker for a long time, and you pride yourself on not having to be as professional, but couldn't you at least be helpful? As a support to my friends, I know that when someone says they want to die you don't remind them of a highly unwelcome stigma attached to a disorder and then leave it at that.

I'm too scared to say this to your face. I'm scared because I've let it go on for a really long time, but also because I fear you'd say it's because I don't agree with you. You're right, I don't agree with you, but give me some credit. Sometimes I think YOU'RE the one who takes me being a patient in too much. I'm smart, okay, and I know that this cannot work, and that my treatment is stymied because I'm so fucking frightened, and I don't want that. I want to feel happy consistently, not fleetingly, I want not to be so fucking scared. And yes, I'm a patient, but I'm trying to get to the other side of the room.

Dear Dr. Saxena,
You're short, I hear. Now, you may think that's a tall order coming from someone who is only 5'1", but I mean you're short with people. Now, I've got friends who are/ used to be your patients. Larry will tell you I'm a "professional patient" but I would be more worried if I DIDN'T make friends down at Shoniker. Anyways, they're close to me, as is what usually happens when you spill your secrets and fears in a circle. They tell me that you tend to dismiss things to easily, that you hear what someone is saying and then go, "bah, whatever."

This displeases me. Stop doing that, go take some more classes or something, try active listening, erase all pre-conceptions from your mind and go at it again. If you fail to do these things, you're going to get another letter from Kat. And if my friends report that you're still not listening to them, as is essential to being a counsellor, I will personally go up there in my stilettos and kick your ass. Don't be thinking I'm unstable in heels, cuz doctor, I babysit in these heels and you just better watch out.

And you?
What have I got to say to you...a little while ago I said I wanted to "drop out of school." What I meant was, "take a little break" or "apply to uni as a mature student." I suppose I could go ILC from home too, but right now I really want to focus on NOT WANTING TO KILL MYSELF AT NIGHT. No, I just don't think I'm cut out for school. My brain jumps all over the place, it doesn't stay still enough to do shit. And I would never make it at a traditional school because teachers are so freaken HOSTILE. I'm not making it at Triangle because I can't "play the game" nor do I abide by wasting my time. Here's my dissertation on that:

(That's right, dissertation!) I spend a lot of time wanting to die, but when I don't want to die, I'm really productive. So! When I want to live, I want to get things done. I don't want to follow your arbitrary stupid rules if it means wasting my time. I want to live while I still want to. Got that?

Fabulous, oh, I'm such an academic. Amazing! One paragraph disseratation! What the hell IS a dissertation anyways? No I shan't google it! That's all for today folks, I've typed a shitload and still cannot work out the mess in my head in a satisfactory manner. Till the sun turns black!

Playing The Game

[a.eve] 1598: what holds us up says:
okay
i don't know what "play the game" means

|| ****. || Finale || says:
sit through it
obey obediently
grit your teeth

Oh my god! If that's what "play the game" means then I don't want to play. That sounds hideously like my entire life so far, and I finally feel brave enough to stop playing. I've sat through my parents, coming out, being diagnosed, all the fun perks that come with being diagnosed, (I'll get to that another time) and 14-15 odd years of slogging through make-work and empty hours.

I think I'll pass on continuing this pattern. With CBT and meds and especially Group I've learned to voice my opinions and feelings, rather than letting it stew all up in my head. I know, everything in moderation, so I'm consciously trying to improve my listening skills and working out this new emotion in my repertoire, anger. I haven't felt more than passing spurts of anger and rages that never make their way onto my face, but things change and I am more than just depressed. I am someone who can take action.

I can work with a little make-work and dumb obedience, but I have a voice now and refuse to be dumb. If there is time for inane assignments and impossible tasks then that time can be used to learn more, to do what we're in school for. And if we're going to learn, we should learn things properly. We no longer use books that say, "one day we'll be on the moon," why should we learn incorrect and outdated practices?

My way? If things were going my way I wouldn't be living at home, but I allowed people to pressure me while I was in the hospital. I didn't use my voice. I wouldn't be dealing with this "professional patient" crap because I would have been able to say all the things Karl and I say on the streetcar home. I wouldn't find every session a struggle because I would have said something and found workers who fit. Ha, I wouldn't still be hiding my food.

I've spent all of high school wishing I were dead, and now that I only think that at night I want to make up for things that I've missed, even though I've gathered more responsibilities than I had bargained for, and time is ticking. I want to live life while I still want to!