What the fuck does Kat do all day?

Many people have asked me what I do, now that I don't attend school. Well, right now I'm talking to Christine on MSN and writing up this blog post, but here are some other things that fill my time. (You might like them too!)

Etsy
Yes, I'm still working on inventory on my Etsy shop, but I've hit a serious roadblock and I'm trying to work through it. I also spend time cruising the Storque, which is like this huge Etsy blog, and going through the forums which is essential to being an Etsy seller. Not to mention looking around at things I must not buy!

Walk to No Frills
I like grocery shopping a lot, but I rarely come home with a big load. Basically fruits for me, veggies for speedy, something yummy and bad for you, and frozen juice. Oh, and I almost always stop at the Filipino bakery for sweet bread.

Do Yoga
Yes, I'm one of those lame people who uses exercise videos at home. But I like yoga, and I really like the instructions in this series of yoga videos and some of them are pretty intense. Which I also like. =)

Do Weird Things
Like scream and laugh hysterically and lie in the sun on the driveway and let Speedy out for walks around the kitchen and sing really loud and dance with Big Bunny and Regular Bunny and Elephant and sometimes Rachel.

Clean
You must all know how much I like cleaning, so yes, I spend a lot of time vaccuming and putting stuff away or re-organizing things.

"Window" Shop
I'm one of those girls who really likes shopping but doesn't earn much so spends some time looking at things I must not spend money on.

Write Newsletters
Because I like shopping so much, it is mandatory that I stay on top of all kinds of discount goodness. Clearance sales and coupons and stuff like that. So I've started an (almost) weekly newsletter that puts together all the good sales and grocery deals.

Photoshop
I'm trying to put together an image of all the people that make me very happy, like my nieces and nephews and aminals and animals and stuff.

Work on Family Tree
Yes, I'm working on another family tree, but this time not on paper, because I don't even know how to draw all those connections. I was going through the TIME 100 Best Websites of 2008 and they had this website that does it for free, and it's really easy. But damn my family is freaken huge.

Read the News!
I keep up with the Star and all the gay news stuff, as well as checking out the mental_floss morning cup of links. Oh, and I check the actual paper newspaper to see if there's a good Retail cartoon strip so I can cut it out for the store.

Go on Cool Websites
Word Association - Just like Freud! The computer gives you a word and then you associate it, then it associates that on it's own and you associate that and it goes on and on. It's not even a lame computer, it makes honest connections.
There are more but I'm tired again so bye!

Why I Hate My Medic Alert

There it is, in all it's stainless steel glory. I have no idea what to do with this ugly metal thing wrapped around my wrist. I want bracelets and I think, "damn that's pretty and also a really good price!" but then I try it on and it's like, "that looks hidous with my Medic Alert." Do you know why?
Because it looks like this. It's a silver bracelet, but it's not silver, it's stainless steel, (like your fridge or pots and pans) so next to silver it looks...well, like your fridge or pots and pans. That is the "Designer Stainless Steel" style. The difference between that and the normal steel is that they sanded the tops off the links, so they're flat. Beautiful. $39.

It's okay for everyday wear, occasionally I get annoyed that I can't wear one of my non-ugly bracelets with it, but it's not a big deal. (Even though I really want to wear my non-ugly bracelets!!!) It's evenings that are the problem. It's not like I can leave it at home for an evening party because you never know what they'll serve for food. Nor can I attach it to my bag because I leave that at the table. The only other place to put it...is on my ankle. Which is stupid and ugly, so I keep it on my wrist and just let it mingle with the pretty jewelry. I can't stand wearing bracelets on my right wrist because I write so much, so that's not an option.

Let's look at the options we DO have:

CHARM SILVER - I407A

Charming indeed. I like the idea of a charm bracelet, at least I can customize it. The only problem is the links itself- is it a bracelet, or is it leftover chain-maille? Good idea, poor execution. This piece clocks in at $140.00, plus taxes and shipping.

CHELSEA - I423
-picture-
The circular medallion is a change from the usual...Jesus fish shape. They may have attempted to reproduce the famous Tiffany bracelet, but failed when it came to the size of each link, (Medic Alerts' is much fatter) and how closely they linked together. The Tiffany bracelet lies flat, whereas I'd imagine it would be difficult to get the chain to line up here. Points for shinyness, it is definitely shiny. $145.

MADISON - I425A
-picture-
Back to the fish emblem. The Medic Alert website touts it as having an, "elegantly textured cable chain." At first glance I couldn't differentiate it from the stainless steel variety but then I noticed the lines circuling each link. I thought I was either starting to lose my eyesight, or they had designed a bracelet with links that look like tiny earthworms. More realistically, it could be more difficult to clean because of the texture. Another whopping $145.

There we have it. There are some other designs that looked...passable, but not anything of note. I'll be on the lookout for a great silver engravable bracelet, but the one thing Medic Alert has on anyone else is it's strength. I've worn this bracelet for three or four years and it hasn't ever fallen off or gotten lost in the swimming pool. I'll tell you when I do find something to swap for this, but in the mean time, I'll be checking out tattoo artists. It might just be easier to get my allergies and Medic Alert number stuck on there, and it will definitely be prettier.

Big Love Ep 309 - Outer Darkness (SPOILERS)

I have been watching Big Love for three years. That's right ladies and gents, I was a mere fifteen years old when this show came out and I still LOVE it!

Just as last week's episode revealed a whole lot of stuff, this one seems to have found a pile of conclusions- although some don't really feel final yet. (Do they ever in this show?) Yes, every episode of Big Love is this crazy. I'm just going to go quick and fast because I am already started to forget the episode, my memory is so bad.

1. NICKI HAD A DAUGHTER? I just found out Nicki had been unwillingly married before to this JJ creep! This is all too much for one character.

2. Poor Barb. She gave up a lot for Bill and his testimony to take a second wife. Now she is being forced to give up her church because her polygamous marriage has come to the attention of the Bishop and the state dude. I am so proud of her when she decides to give up the church, rather than give up the family. Still, the scene where she is excommunicated is so harsh and almost cruel. It just makes Barb seem so much stronger.

3. BILL IS GOING TO DIVORCE NICKI? What!? Nicki is obviously going to have problems with taking sides, she wants to be a part of her family but she is also commited to the one she has with Bill. Before you divorce, let her talk! Nicki, if Bill lets you talk you better not screw it up!

4. This whole thing with Barb going to the temple is so strange to me, but not unlike the Catholic church. Both have a great deal of ritual, different garb, and a goal of good life in the everlasting. Barb had faith without the church, but she also lost the comfort and sense of community it gave her.

5. The whole pregnant-Sarah storyline had kind of fallen by the wayside, so it took me a moment to remember why Ben punched Scott in the face and Bill was so pissed to see him. He wanted to help, but Sarah didn't tell him! There is a serious communication problem between Sarah and her family, though I don't think she's got it all figured out for herself either.

6. Go Margene! Margie has got it all balanced out and she's trying really hard to get her family to find that place too. She knows when Nicki and Barb aren't really talking, even though they think they are, and she knows when Bill needs to do some talking to everyone. She's really starting to find her place in the family and standing up for it. I like that she's not being so much of a ditzy pushover. Now everyone can see how smart and brave she is.

7. Cindy and Tom/Ted don't know how dangerous these things are or they'd never let their daughter play alone in the front yard. She may be old enough to do that, but no one is safe from the Greene's. Tom/Ted, get it together! You can't accuse Bill and Barb of having anything to do with the abduction, then take Bill aside and be truthful and say this is a lot of his fault.

8. Oh Wanda. Wanda is so secretly smart. She does what everyone else wants to do, when she poisoned Alby everyone else wanted to poison him but she was the one who did it. When she went to Barb for help on how to be a good first wife, she knew that she wouldn't be able to do it, and she said that to Kathy. I think everyone wanted Jodeen to replace Kathy, and Wanda acted on it. She's kooky but she definitely knows what she's doing.

9. CAN EVERYBODY JUST STOP- AND TALK? Alby, you need to go to the DA and tell them what you discovered about the night Kathy died.
Nicki, you need to talk about how confusing it is being a Grant AND a Henrickson.
Barb, at some point you're going to need to express just how hard it was to accept Nicki as a second wife let alone the whole pologamy thing.
Margie, you know what's going on and you're so close to getting them all together on it!
Bill, for god's sake, just think before you speak? You wouldn't get into half as many problems if you would just stop for a second and go, "hey wait, do I want to threaten this person or would it be useful to me in the future if this person trusted me?"
Sarah, go to therapy. I've been in therapy. Go to the damn therapy and straighten the past three years of your life out. Think about it. Trust me, things get easier if you stop for a bit and look at what's happened before you go barreling on. You've just lost your child, you can take a break!
Joey, talk to people and get things done for yourself. Stop relying on Bill and make your own contacts. You're a lot more clear-headed than Bill, though your anger about Kathy may mar your judgement...

10. My, my, my. Joey has a backbone and he's finally standing up to Bill. I think denying that you and Billy are brothers is too far, but Bill is just too mixed up on a lot of things.

11. Bill. STAND UP. BILL? What is this, look at Bill then pan to the stars with ominous music then pan back to Bill? Unless this season has at least 12 more episodes then he better be conscious real soon!

12. Bill, get a big piece of paper and start mapping out what you've been doing. You'll see that a lot of mistakes you've been making could have been prevented.

This all makes for really frustrating, but really good TV. Next time folks, no more passing out at the end of the episode!

Ray's Fantastic Quizzy Thingamajiggy

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
"I know you can't see a lot from an ultrasound but... that's baby is Jesus, right?"

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
No. Everyone has their secrets, and everyone has friends for certain things. There are people I'd trust with my life, and people I'd trust with my wardrobe.

3. Would you move to another province or country to be with the one you love?
I suppose I would. I mean, if we could work something out then I would like to, because I don't want to be far from my nieces and nephews but I would follow her if I had to, yes.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Not everything, and not always for a good reason.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Yes, (and I'm being COMPLETELY serious right now) I was just downstairs rolling up pennies into handmade rolls while my mom talked about her work. I made four rolls of 50 cents in pennies, so I can actually make a toonie in change.

6. Which of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Me!!!
Valerie, of course. She's studious but that's not all there is to her. She wants to practice medicine and tend to people, and I think that's in her nature.
Christine would be the best forensic pathologist because she's really good at figuring stuff out like that, and who doesn't like pathology? (No really, who doesn't like pathology?)

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Yes. I'm afraid I would mess it up, I'm afraid that I would be too high maintenance or get depressed and cut off from her completely. I don't want to be too needy, because all I've been imagining for ages is someone who will just be there for me, no matter how I am or what mood I'm in or how I absolutely positively have to keep things clean. I want someone who will help me pick up the pieces everytime I fall apart, but I don't want that to encompass our relationship. I want it to be a healthy relationship, not all give and all take, or mutual misery, I want it to be...whatever it is, in love.

8. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
Two years ago, let's see, I was almost 17 so I think at that point I had driven Nelson's car about ten meters, and I steered our family car for a couple hundred meters on the 401 when my brother had to sneeze really really bad. I don't know what kind of car Nelson had at the point, and our car was/is a red Dodge Grand Caravan with Stow 'n' Go.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
At the mall, lots of people pop into my mind. "Oh, this is would be great for...!" or "Oh, ... would love this, it's just her kind of humour!" Fictional characters pop up the most though, from books or movies or especially stories I make up.

10. What's your most favorite scar?
Hmm, I have a tie for my favourite scar. My first ever stitches happened when I face planted into the ice. It comes along with a great story and fabulous quotes; "I can see your trachea!" My other favourite scar also includes stitches and is much less fun but is also a great story with fabulous quotes; "It's like watching the ballet of the 4-0 vicryl!" Or any burn scar, I just think they're kind of odd looking scars.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Last March on my way back from Chicago.

12. What did the last text message you sent say?
To Christine: "I was walking in here with a bunch of people and it was like Exodus of the Asians to their mecca."

13. What physical features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Strong hands?

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
My Bunny's!/Turtle!/Elephant's!/Giraffe's!/etc!

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Get my licence finally? I'd say go back to school, but I don't want to do that until I'm ready. There is no reason to rush back into the fray if I know I'm just going to crash again.

16. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
Lolo and Lola and Pau and Christine and Val and Big Bunny and Regular Bunny and Elephant and Speedy and stuff?

17. How many kids do you want to have?
Two or four. Normally I think three is a good number but I have a superstition about the middle kid in that situation. *cough pau* cough karl*

18. Would you make a good parent?
I think I would be a great parent, as long as I get help in making sure I don't overanalyze the kid and say, "oh my god she's got depression!" when she/he is just having a bad time. Also I would totally be one of those parents who freaks out when they have to let their kid go, which is why I like cell phones even though I'm really bad with mine.

19. Where was your default picture taken?
If it's the picture I'm thinking it is, than my room.

20. Whats your middle name?
Miranda. Yea, that's right, I'm a meek girl in Shakespeare. To make up for it though, my parents named me after Katherine, the totally not meek girl in Shakespeare. Good balance, I think. (Except that my name is NOT Katherine, or Katrina, or Kat-Kat, my name is KA-THE-RI-NA. NONE OF THOSE LETTERS ARE SILENT!!! RAGHHHHH!!!)

21. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
To do my yoga, or not to do my yoga.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
There are a lot of things I'd change, and a lot of things I'd do earlier.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, Elephant and Speedy. I'm not joking. I'm thinking of a little red wagon to carry them in.

24. What are you wearing right now?
Bright coral socks, red yoga pants, blue tangas, a white long sleeve boatneck top underneath a black short sleeve tee with two birds and "electricity" on it, a nude coloured bra, a size 4 cubic zirconium ring, black half rim versus glasses with rectangular lenses, a brown hair tie, a tiny bit of purple nail polish on my right big toe, my silver necklace with the star of david and "balance" pendants. How's that?

25. Righty or Lefty?
I write with my write hand, but politically I'm a lefty for sure!

26. Best place to eat?
In a comfortable place, like Vanessa's closet, by yourself. (But not Vae's closet, because that would be creepy. I'm just sayin' that would be a nice size.)

27. Favorite jeans?
I don't own jeans because I have this whole thing about constrictive pants, but I like bootleg ones, or just straight up regular cut jeans.

28. Favorite animal?
Bunnies!

29. Favorite juice?
Orange/pinapple.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Yea, last Friday after laughing a lot for the first time in ages.
Also a minor sore throat after every shift. "Hi, do you have a club card? Would you like to start one? The program is going on a hiatus until May 30th while they update the system, so I'll check if you have any reward certificates because they will expire by that date. Just hold onto your card and come back in the spring! It's Buy 3 Cards Get 3 for Free, would you like to try that? If you had $9.99 to your purchase you can get one of those frames! No? Alright, just in case Easter gifting and candies are 25% off." That is actually what I have to say to every customer.

32. Ever had a bar fight?
I've been in a bar. Like, twice!

33. Who knows you the best?
Big Bunny and Regular Bunny.

34. Shoe size?
7.5, same as Chrostine. Pau has freakishly tiny feet. I know there's a store where her shoe size is actually a specialty size because it's usually a kids shoe size. Freak! Hahaa just kidding...or am I? Nahhh just kidding! Or am I?

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
I wear glasses, I'm thinking about contacts again, and saving for laser eye surgery so I can do away with both.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Kind of. Speedy bit me by accident when she was trying to bite the turtle jello shot I was giving her and I yelled and then waited for her to let go. Then I patted her on the shell while she attacked the jello shot and went to go irrigate and close the triangle shaped wound.

37. Been to Mexico?
No, but some of my cousins have!

38. Did you buy something today?
Today I purchased a bottle of orange juice, two deep and delicious singles, and a 12 pack of my new vice, red tangerine Fanta.

39. Did you get sick today?
No.

40. Do you miss someone today?
Yea, Bunny. Except that she's right next to me, but I miss her all the time because I love her that much.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Kind of, a customer was being annoying so I told her, "Have a nice day!" in a semi-sarcastic way, because I really do hope people have a nice day but I was torn between hoping she had a nice day and hoping she would get a verbal ass kickin' by the next store associate she tried to bungle.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
When was the last person I allowed someone to touch me? That's right, you just walk away now.

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
Right now Ladybug and Butterfly and Jingles and Chippie and Big Bunny and Regular Bunny and Elephant and Rachel and everyone who lives in the condo apartments of Guyzeeland are in my bed.

44. Last person to see you cry?
I dunno, probably Big Bunny.

45. Who made you cry?
No one.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
South Park at Pau's house.

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
The weekend will be over in 3 minutes and I plan to spend it finishing this quiz and then looking to see if the new Big Love is already on mega upload or not.

48. Who do you think will repost this and tag you??
Someone else with a lot of time on their hands.

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
Speedy.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
"Who are you?" and "Don't worry, I've got all the wedding plans done. You just go get dressed. Oh wait, here's a drawing of your outfit!"

A Most Wonderful Day

Will do text after nap!

Shopping Fantasy

-scene-

Kat sighs. "You're wearing that again? Really? Couldn't you at least...wear a camisole under it and do up one more button? And those shoes with those pants? Really?"
"Why, whatever do you mean Kat?" she replies.
"I'm not just Kat, the plain looking girl with bad hair and large pants. I'm Goddess Kat, goddess of crazy people and gay people, and also, Kat, the Worst Dressed Fashionista Ever. Let me HELP you!"
"Why, okay! Where should we start?"
Kat thinks it through for a moment then says, "I don't have a license or a car, but I think I would be a good driver if I had both those things because I drive a lot in my dreams. Since I'm not dreaming...we'll hit Markville. It costs two bus tickets to get there, but the sale selection is much better than at the big and/or ghetto malls."
"Markville Mall? Isn't that where you work?" she asked with thinly veiled skepticism.
"Yep. Pretty much on top of Bulk Barn. They have grape Fruit To Go, 5 for $1."
"That's great, but I don't really like Fruit to Go. Why don't we go down to Yorkville, then hit the boutiques on Queen West?"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, do Yorkville stores even HAVE sale sections? I'm good with Queen West though, if you've got $100 000 and a Metropass," chortled Kat.
"I do, and we shall" she decided.
Kat stared at her. "A hundred thousand dollars and TWO Metropasses?"
"Well, two hundred thousand dollars, a hundred thousand for each of us."
"No. Way."
"Yea, come on! We'll drive to Yorkville in my Audi R8!"
"What the fuck is that? Is that a car? Hold on, I gotta call my friend Nelson and ask."

In 0-62 in 4.2 they arrived in trendy, upscale Yorkville.
Kat clambers out of the car, "this car is so LOW. What if you develop knee problems? And only two seats? Where do you put the car seat? I like the way it smells though, it's like that smell I like but can never identify."
"Yea, I got it specially scented in 'That Smell You Like But Can Never Identify.'"
"That explains it."
"So Kat, where do we start?"
"Uh...I'm sorry, my eyes are dazzled by that ginormous Tiffany's. You know their pretty box and the little bag it comes in? I love that box."
"I think you have to buy something to get the box. Say, why don't we go in there and pick up a couple rings, and a bracelet/necklace/pair of earrings or six. Then we can ask for all the boxes you want!"
Kat stares at her and three hours later they emerge with some seriously fabulous jewelry and a bag of little blue boxes. The rest of the day is a whirl of events just like that. Fittings for custom pants and jeans, shoes they order for your exact foot shape/size, enough hats to warrent having a hat box, accessories, tops, bottoms, dresses and gowns!
"But where are we going to wear these evening gowns?" asked Kat. "I mean, I know they're freaken awesome, but you really think we need these?"
"I've got a couple benefits to go to, I'm just so glad you helped me pick these! Otherwise I would have ended up going in that sketchy light green number with the uh..."
"Square neck empire waist?"
"Yea, that."
"That was absolutely horrible for you."
"Yea, this other couture gown looks way better."

And thus the pair began shopping together all the time. Later Kat became a movie/TV star, best selling novelist, M.D. specializing in adolescent medicine and psychiatry/geriatrics/family practise/emergency medicine, mother of two, wife of one, and a magical ability to do all those things with time to spare. Kat repaid her within a year, with interest.

Also Kat bought all the houses in an entire neighbourhood that are water/fire/disaster/cockroach/ant/insect/fly/bug proof and rented them out to her friends and family, and to people in need on a pay-what-you-can basis. She created a transit system that doesn't suck and fixed everything wrong in health care and the government and stuff like that. Also she fixed Canada Post. She passed a movement that saw the entire world cut prices to 1/8 their current value just to make things look less expensive. She also fixed everything and set it up to make way for change and future developments and stuff.

When it comes

There you are.

Then you aren't.

Dreaming of Everything

1.
I dream about food. For a month after I stopped eating chips I dreamt vividly of every flavour I ever liked. When I sleep I dream that I'm eating ice cream and ice cream cakes with the crumblies, drinking Five Alive tropical concentrate and Fanta red tangerine, snacking on cookie dough and chips, the entire Cadbury chocolate factory... And then I wake up and stick some shit in the microwave and try to get back into the habit of eating one meal a day. I dunno when I lost that...

2.
I dream of my shortcomings. Lately there have been fewer of these, but I used to dream of getting my diploma and waking up and thinking that it's finally happened, but alas no. In my dreams I count credits.

3.
I dream about people. People who believe in me, whom I am scared of disappointing. People who don't and whom I'm scared of getting into conversations with. People who don't who just piss me off. People who make assumptions. People who know things. People who hurt.

4.
I dream of fear. I dream about things happening that never did, but I mix them up with real life anyways. I dream of hiding and running and poisoning and being trapped and boats and airplanes. I dream dreams that somehow have changed me forever.

I'm sitting here writing while I sip at my red tangerine Fanta and it feels strangely rebellious.

I Don't

It's weird that this realization came to me while I was pulling frozen lasagna cubes out of the basement freezer...and then that I remembered while listening to this really creepy Beyonce song where she talks about fucking this guy and...anyway.

I don't have to explain to you.
I don't have to seek justification from others.
You don't have understand what I'm doing for me to do it.
You don't have to approve what I'm doing for me to do it.



I have spent so long trying to get used to not having my family there, and in the process I stayed attached to other people. Despite that, I think of myself as pretty self-sufficient. I don't want to cut people out of my life, I'm not signing up to spend the rest of my life with my aminals and Speedy. But I have to stop seeking positive reinforcement from others or I'm not going to get anywhere.

The path to my anywhere doesn't seem to please you much, but I'm gonna to keep going down it.

Not So Hasty 3

I un-published my HastyHasty 3 post because it was really...truthful but also angry.

This one I'm editing to be less angry.

So... I want to be a doctor.

SAVE IT okay? Just let it go. I know it's not going to happen. But I still want to be one, and I still really like learning stuff like that.

• So when I know someone's having a hard time and they go, "someone order me a pizza," I think "me too" and at the same time, "emotional eating"!
• When someone says it burns when they pees and nothing else makes sense, I say go to your doctor cuz you probably have a UTI.

I THINK MEDS ARE GREAT! There is so much we can do now that we, (we=our species) couldn't do 10, 50, 100, 2000 years ago! Can you imagine that we have gone from leeches to ibuprofen? We eradicated smallpox. Do you have any idea how fucking awesome that is? Yes, I realize that there are limitations. What kind of a douche do you think I am? Just like throughout the past, there are always better things to come and know.

I THINK ALMOST EVERYTHING CAN BE EXPLAINED BY SCIENCE. Cause and effect. The world is like a giant Goldberg machine, it's all really complicated but it's also straightforward. Which...isn't the point of a Goldberg machine, but it makes sense!

I LIKE MAKING CONNECTIONS. I like eliminating variables to draw conclusions. I like research and experiments and figuring stuff out.


...but you know, none of this matters because nobody reads this blog and even if they did, I'd still be the girl who thinks meds are magical. Ah piss off, all of you.

Pictures of Christian

Before I go from my hastyhasty blog into another hastyhasty I'm going to post some pictures of Christian, aka No.13, aka my newest nephew. I think he's eight days old now, but here's he's like, nine hours old.


And I've already posted the picture of Nayah with Foofy and the Car and Christian's little bassinet so I'm not going to again so I can get to hastyhasty post number twooooooo!!!!

HastyHasty

i was gonna go into tooth anatomy after XD
can i talk about tooth anatomy?
does water feel like it leaves a layer on your teeth?
like when you drink coke and it's like you can feel it eating at your teeth but actually it would take a lot of coke and not brushing to see the damage
aren't teeth WEIRD?
like my wisdom teeth were brown on the bottom
none of my baby teeth were brown on the bottom!
but all the diagrams show teeth are brown on the bottom. BROWN!
what is it with having white teeth anyways?
nobody in the olden days had white teeth and they got along fine
why is it that suddenly i've gotta pay $30 for little strips of plastic to have white teeth?
normal people don't have white teeth by this age!
kids have white teeth, kids haven't eaten enough in their LIFETIMES to not have white teeth
why don't people punch themselves more?
i mean, i know lots of people who hurt themselves to feel better and in our little group it's totally normal
parents gonna yell at you? run into a wall
fail a test? try to break your wrist by falling off something at a weird angle
really just feeling unhappy? eh, pull out a razor it takes so much less energy than the other two
i mean it feels GOOD
so it surprises me that other people haven't figured this out
it's like DRUGS!
but not like drugs because i don't really know what drugs are like except pot and legal drugs
and if we're talking about those drugs then it's nothing like drugs because those things mess you UP
so like it seems totally natural to me that people would run into walls and throw themselves down the stairs to feel better because it DOES make you feel better and they shouldn't be witholding that awesomeness just because it's "not normal"
have you ever bitten yourself?
my turtle bit me and people say some turtle digestive tracts carry salmonella so their poo carries salmonella and the poo is in the water so the water has salmonella and they swim in the water so their mouths have salmonella
but nothing happened so i just cut off the little flap of skin with my nail cutters after i boiled them
but when you bite a person it leaves this weird half circle like you bit will all your teeth even if it was only a few
sometimes it's fun to bite yourself on purpose but not so much that it leaves a mark because then people think you're a real weirdo and you could cover it with a long-sleeve but sometimes it gets hot and you really want to wear short sleeves but you've got a bite mark
people keep saying that it's bad but something that feels that good probably isn't that bad for you because they also say you should work hard and save for the future and eat well and stay out of the sun but who the fuck does that and isstill happy?
do you know anyone who does that and is happy?
i mean dr gerstein looks really unhappy and she acts like it and did you know she lives by herself and one time my dad went to a walk in clinic near his work and he saw her and she has this crabby look on her face and once i told heather and ann that she reminds me of a crab because she's so crabby
i used to think dr ramshaw was crabby but i only met him once and he asked me all these questions that didn't make any sense like was i afraid of something and obviously i am so i said spiders and he said what would you do if a spider came in here and i said nothing and he said huh and i was like wtf.
but then i was hospitalized the first time and i thought he was a douche because he said i had borderline personality disorder but i don't and then i found out later that's he's not a douche and he doesn't think i have the disorder but just that i cut and try to kill myself a lot which is only one symptom so i don't think that really qualifies as having BPD traits so he shouldn't have said that
i really really tried not to like paul from day hospital but i did and i was like no no no because i'd have to leave and stuff and then in the summer when the police made me go to the lorspital he was there and i was like, "don't like him don't like him" but i did and it was terrible so i tried to pretend i had never had paul for a social worker because he doesn't suck
and larry sucks and dr gerstein is mean but i tried to make it work but after paul it was like, "oh my god the grass is not only greener on his side but on my side it's not grass it's horseshit."
and at the last ramshaw appointment he kept bugging me to ask if i ever really liked any of the workers i'd ever seen in my entire life and i admitted that i liked paul and dr ramshaw said he's gonna ask to make an exception even though it's not in his job description and i really really hope that paul takes me because he's the most awesome social worker ever out of the five or six that i know
but i don't want to get my hopes up because that would be dangerous

i'm not done but my thumb hurts
stupid space bar

i'm a fast typer
sometimes people make fun of me cuz my WPM is like 80
but it's not really i just always mess up with those stupid typing tests
they're stupid

like the space bar which is unnaturally positioned
and larry and dr gerstein
but i want to keep larry and dr gerstein because larry is fun if you want to talk out loud and not on the phone and not on msn and dr gerstein is like my barbie doll
we gotta find her a ken!
she can have my brother he's kinda mean and he can get his best friend sarah to teach her fashion because it'll be awkward because she'll be my sister in law
that solves three problems because she won't be alone and he won't be alone and she won't be badly dressed
i type like more than a hundred words per minute if i want to
now i want to roll down the stairs but it's too loud for doing at nighttime so i don't know what i'll do because i don't ever want to get stitches from a stranger again because those people are ASSHOLES and i wish they would explode or something
or put a dynamite IN their assholes
and then leave it because it's mean to explode dynamite that's inside people's assholes
but i imagine it would be very uncomfortable and people would make fun of them and make assumptions about them like they make about cutters because cutters are just SMARTER PEOPLE
we're the next evolutionary standpoint
we work pain for our gain
we make ouches awesome
we're a million times better than a surgeon with a scalpal cuz we practise on ourselves
AND we know all about bones and how they break which is why i said if i jumped from the jungle bars yesterday i would get a compound fracture see i know
we also like walking through traffic with our eyes closed
and dinosaurs

Stolen from Jessica Moy =)

Okay, after all that heavy-heavy scar stuff, I had to post something way more light-hearted even though only Big Bunny, Rachel, and my dino will ever read it entirely.

Where was the first kiss you had with the last person you kissed?
Probably sitting next to a very big box, because I kissed Big Bunny last.

Who is your last text from and what does it say?
My phone actually doesn't get texts. I intend to fix that but... maybe later.

Burger King or Wendy's?
Wendy's! Their strange chicken nuggets make me happy.

Latest you stayed up in the past week?
4.45am, my ridiculous sleeping habits mean that I sleep until 2pm and stay up until the wee hours of the morning.

Have you ever showered with someone other than at school?
Yea. Fez, remember Fez from the Treehouse on YTV? Fez rocks.

Where are you right now?
At my desk. (Yes desk, not a kitchen table, not a bedside table, I actually have a desk now.)

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Human someone? Nelson/Shortman and uh...someone else that I'm going to keep secret.

What is the 7th text in your inbox say?
No texting again so the seventh thing in my email is
"Kat, I'm following up on your request. I hope to have an answer to you this week.rick"

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
Which ex?

Do you curse in front of your parents?
Yea, but only to freak them out.

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Roller coasters, kiddie rides, people who say BOO...

Where is your mom right now?
In the kitchen, like a good 50's mom should be! Too bad it's 2009.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Nothing, so I could say sketching, writing in my diary, or filling out my mood tracker. Damn that thing is annoying.

Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
We'll see. Wait, are doctors and social workers people?

What girls can you tell everything to?
The ones made of 100% polyester, the girls from Day Hospital group, and one or two friends.

The last person you talked to on AIM/MSN?
Christine and Pau, discussing when to go get KBBQ tomorrow.

Can you play guitar hero?
Yea. I mean, not well, but I CAN play! Fine. My seven year old nephew is better than I am.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm! At least in warm weather you aren't in pain, you're just uncomfortable.

What do you currently hear right now?
The sound from my brothers TV coming right through the wall, my typing, and some Keane.

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
People say baseball is the most boring sport to watch, but I like it. I like playing it too, even though I suck.

Four things you did yesterday?
Put out new cards at Chez Carlton, squealed like girly girls with Yathusha and Andrea, tied a balloon to the Bentley store across the hall, and fed my turtle.

Do you like zombies?
No, but I think Marc Phen does...

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yea, it's wet! I mean, wetter than you'd think. But it still tastes good and it makes you feel like you should be in a movie with the camera panning away.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?
Yup. Wait, are we talking humans here? Still yea.

What are you doing tonight?
Procrastinating and thinking about calling up Jono and going to the movies anyways, or finding out where Konrad's party is.

Do you know anyone who is pregnant?
Two cousins, neither of whom are showing. One of my other cousins is newly un-pregnant. :D

Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Definitely.

Does anyone hate you?
Yea, but it usually goes both ways.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Depends what happened with the first chance. But usually yes.

Do you want a small or big wedding?
Medium, but considering how much family I have, it's probably gonna have to be huge. Then again, some of them will probably object to attending a lesbian wedding.

Who was the last girl you talked to?
My lola.

How do you feel right now?
Anxious. Is that a surprise?

How many people do you truly trust (not family)?
Family would be like, two people. Others...four. I won't name names because that has the potential to create a gigantic catastrophe.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
Yesterday!

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I try to, but I know from experience that wanting to forgive someone doesn't neccessarily mean that you can.

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?
Hands, paws, feet...

When was the last time something bothered you?
Like, 20 minutes ago.

Who in your life has hurt you the most?
Three people immediately come to mind.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
I'd rather my partner have a gorgeous heart. =)

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Saturday.

Where's the person you miss most?
There are a lot of people I miss, but I could always hop on a bus/bike and see them right now.

Do you have a best friend?
Does this person have to be human?

Have you ever broken someones heart?
I sincerely doubt it.

Do you love someone that doesn't know you love them?
Yea, Ellen DeGeneres and Rachel Maddow. XD

Are your eyes the same color as your mom's or dad's?
Neither, mine are lighter than both my parents, although still brown.

Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yup.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Yup.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Yea, three or four people. I'll do what Jessica did and say them here, It's not going to work out, You're being a total drama queen, you kinda annoy me.

Ever kissed under water?
No.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Logically, it doesn't make sense, but I think age matters. When you're past your teens I don't think it counts for nearly as much.

What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Say hullo to Speedy, the turtle queen.

If you could give your parents one gift, what would it be?
A maid service.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
No.

Do you like to hold or be held?
Hold me now.

When was the last time you cried?
Last night.

How many times have you eaten sushi?
Once. Everytime we go out for ayce sushi I try salmon sashimi, and everytime I don't like. So I stick to my cooked meat.

Do you have any saved texts?
No, my phone is messed up.

Could you go a day without eating?
Yea, definitely.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Left side.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
A wise person once said that another wise person once said that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin.

Where is the next place you will travel to?
Unless this kbbq thing happens, the lorspital.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?
Shh, yea.

Do you like getting hugs from other people?
Most of the time I'll shudder if you touch me.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Nope.

Would you leave the one you love for the hottest person in the world?
What kind of a stupidass question is that?

Last book you read?
Red Audrey and the Roping, it's all confusing and awesome. Suffice it to say, lesbians, surfing, suicide, head trauma.

Would you move to another country to be with the one you love?
I don't know if I would. I always thought I would move to BC, but then my cousins started having children and I don't think I could stand to be away from my nieces and nephews.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
Yar, of course!

Are you the type of person who likes to be out or home?
I wish my home was out of this house!

Do you think more about the past, present, or future?
Present. The past makes you sad about what used to be, and the future freaks me out because there are so many options that are shrinking by what I do in the present.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
You mean before I gained 15 pounds and had four medications a day and been commited and stuff? Maybe. I like the wisdom that came with all that shit, except the weight gain.

Your current relationship status?
Alone. Sometimes I mind it, but mostly I feel that being somebody's girlfriend would just drain her of all life force.

Do you prefer short or long haired girls/boys?
Short.

Do you even KNOW how to do the laundry?
Oh god! I know how to do every other kind of cleaning but this.

Who's the last person that told you they loved you?
Big Bunny.

Do you ever think "what if" about anything?
I think "what if" about everything, that's the philosophy of The Keerie.

If you were mad would you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Queer group therapy has taught me to communicate assertively, so...probably not. That's just scary.

Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
Only if your first love is your only love.

You're trapped in a room with your ex for 3 days, what do you do?
Make earplugs and a wall between the two of us. There is only so much stupid talk I can listen to.

Who's the last person you had a sleep over with?
Jono, Marc Phen, and Nelson. My dad was horrified that I slept in the same room as three boys because it would "look bad." Who is looking?

Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Only about a bajillion times. The most recent being me sneaking up to the clinic to make an appointment while hiding from my doctor behind my hair. XD That was really, really funny.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Big Bunny, online Christine, in the real world...Dr. R, for some reason I just started tearing up.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
Romantically and on purpose, no. For other reasons I don't think I can control, yea.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Yea!

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Technically both. I like to shower at 1am.

Did anyone witness your last kiss?
Yea. Rachel witnessed me kissing Big Bunny. Human wise, a whole pile of people witnessed me kissing my niece and nephew after visiting the new little baby in our lives.

Do you like your name?
No, not really. It's long and weird and I don't think it really fits me.

How many months until your birthday?
4 months and uhh...3 days.

You could cuddle with anyone right now who would you pick?
Ellen and Portia, or the rest of my aminals.

When was the last time you were on the phone after 2 AM?
When was the last time I was on a phone for personal reasons?! Years, probably!

Have you ever been called a bitch?
You can't be this smart and devastatingly beautiful without people calling you a bitch. ;)

Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
Nope.

What is the wallpaper on your phone?
A picture of Speedy.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
Either the hospital or the floor at work, sleeping on top of all the quilts and crap that we sell. Yea, I think it was work. XD

Do you remember what you were like a year ago?
I barely remember what I did TODAY. But I could check my diary for you!

Where did you kiss the last person you kissed?
My house.

Can you run a mile?
Now when you say run, you mean....?

Whens the last time you pulled an all nighter?
January 12th, my god that night sucked.

Beneath

Scars from the past six months are different. These are flat and coloured dull red, as opposed to the littering of white, raised scars of a year past, and these are different from those six years past. Arms and thighs read like braille, telling the story of nearly all my teenage life.

The reddened scars are mostly indents. Half of them probably warranted stitches, but only one is outlined with the tell-tale spots of carefully placed thread. For now they are more conspicuous than the rest, but these too will fade. What remains is beneath the skin. Fingers feel the scars that lie nearly half centimeters deep, thick stripes of healed flesh.

Often I don't want anyone touching me. But sometimes...sometimes I wish the doctors who give a cursory glance, enough to make a note in their charting, would stop and run their fingers over them. I wish those whose faces harden at the sight of them, (including doctors) would pause and make real the circumstances that brought me to these scars.

When I'm anxious I poke my hand up my left sleeve and search them out, tracing each one. These are what comes out of getting through. Although I wish I could choose to hide them, I know that each one represents me getting through, though one or two represent my not wanting to.

Wanting the searing flash of pain and calm interlude that follows each wound is completely separate with the scars it creates, but I haven't any idea what to do without either.

All this is my normal. This is my "everynight". Eventually, it becomes something else to different people. To ER docs and nurses, it can become an annoying hassle. To friends and family, a shocking reminder that all is not right. I forget that a lot, and take for granted that it isn't normal for everyone else as well.

The Sperm Guy

Alright, this is my third post of the day, but this will be short. Let's begin.

I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of taking a friends sperm and using it, so we're going to be working off of the sperm bank sheets. This is the ideal candidate.

- No history of mental illness
- Little to no history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, degenerative diseases, etc.
- Taller than 5'7 but not taller than 6'3
- Not a jerk
- Happy in his career of choice
- Interests include some that are also interests of my wife and I
- Aesthetically pleasing

I have planned that if I am not married by the time I'm 32 I'll have a baby on my own, because having a child is something I want more than the fancy wedding and the perfect house. I'll love it and name it Adrien or Elijah or Avy or Eve or Aeriana. I'll breastfeed. I'll listen and have a difficult time letting it out of my sight. I'll save up for it's education. I won't make it wear pants with elastics at the bottom. Eventually my child won't need me and I'll feel empty and won't know what to do with myself for a while. I'll get really pissed when bad things happen to it, and try to do everything for it. Mostly I'll just try to give my baby a good life with balance and a sense of fulfillment. I hope one day I can.

Previous Posts: The Wedding
Upcoming Posts: The return of Dino Driver, The House, and The Life

The Wedding

I really liked Ellen's wedding. I love the vintage chairs and muted colours, and how dinner was set up in a tent with silk fabric everywhere. The wedding was tasteful and quite small.

I really like that tent, but seeing as I don't own a giant house or a backyard the size of a small zoo the wedding would be held in formal gardens with water running by it and a little cottage tucked just behind trees. (For the washrooms, a space for my love and I, and all the the other stuff that needs to be inside. We'd set up the tent, same as Ellen and Portia, except much larger. I suppose I'd let people sit where they want. Now, I don't really like circular tables because it makes conversation difficult. Rectangular tables are ugly, so I'll stick with square tables with rounded edges. They will be covered with fabric in the same muted colours as we decide, but those will be sprayed with stuff to prevent spills and stains from really eating into the fabric.

I've always wanted an off the shoulder dress, but I found another one that I really like. It's strapless but with a lace jacket over it, removable of course. One layer drapes diagonally across the front, and the bottom is just short enough that you can see my feet underneath. The hem is done in lace to match the mantilla veil I'll wear. Dress and veil will be chapel length in a soft white or cream colour. I think I'll wear the same tiara as my debut, with the pearls and small flowers and crystals. My hair will be in a classic updo, but with soft waves. I'll wear makeup that highlights my eyes and makes me look really clear skinned without looking gross. I'll paint my nails that light pink/shimmer I like and file the edges as usual, cuz god knows without filing it I'll ruin them pretty much immediately. Oh, and I'll definitely have a satin garter without the lace, because lace is itchy right next to your skin. (Jasmine Bridal, style F164.)

I'll invite one-connection family, as in my cousin but not my cousins in-laws. Lots of kids, Tristan and Carlo will be 18, the age I am now, but Christian, Kyle, and Heather's baby boy will be 10. (This is based on the 10-year-plan of marriage by 28.) We'll invite our friends that we talk to fairly often. I'll try to keep my side of the guests under 50, which might be hard since our family seems to be growing exponentially right now. Big Bunny, Regular Bunny, and Elephant will be present. Speedy will be watching from a kiddie pool with water and rocks for basking. The attire will be white tie and I expect to see tails!

The ceremony will be held outside, in the garden as well. Definitely no church wedding, as that was the scene of a lot of panic attacks. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being "given away" so that's not going to happen. I haven't really thought about the ceremony a lot, I imagine that would be something I'd discuss a lot with my wife, since I've already planned the rest of the wedding. :) Oh, except that we'll sign the stuff with my G-Tec C4, because I'm definitely going to be OCD about that.

Now we all sit down to dinner. I think being served your food is stupid. It always takes too long and you end up getting stuff you don't like, and too little of the stuff you do like. The problem with buffets is that you always have to wait, so each table will have a little guestbook and it will be mandatory that they sign it. Since we'll be taking photos in between the ceremony and reception I'll have food put out along with some wet-naps or baby wipes or something. Ketchup chips, (bite me, I like them so we're gonna eat them on my wedding day) tiny fried chicken, fruit plates, Five Alive Tropical, those tiny sirloin steak thingies from Ten Ichi which goes with sushi sashimi and tempura, lettuce for Speedy, Dairy Milk chocolate, street vendor hot dogs, tater tots, whatever else my favourite foods are at that time, and my wife's favourite foods.

Then that will all be put onto the head table, the floor will be swept evenly, and we'll make our entrance. "Please welcome for the first time...Mrs. Blar Blurgablur and Dr. Katherina Blurgablur!" We'll kiss gently and embrace lovingly, then dance our first dance for as long or short we want to. We'll join the wedding party at the head table, which might be shaped like a paint splotch so we can all talk to each other. While people give speeches we'll eat the appetizers. I'll make sure that the audio is good because I hate it when you can't hear stuff. Cute stories are good, inside jokes not so good, speeches over 5 minutes also not good. (Although we want them long enough to eat.) My wife and I will talk about how much we love each other, she'll joke about how I planned my wedding at 12 and then re-planned it at 18, I'll joke about her weird hobbies and how we met.

Finally, time for dinner. We'll turn on the heaters for Speedy. People will be signing guestbooks and also snacking on the food on their tables while we get them through the buffets. We'll serve Lolo's larger fried chicken, salad with a tangy vinaigrette on the side, Tita Deni's adobo, feeder fish for Speedy, carrots and stuff for Big Bunny Regular Bunny and Elephant, mashed potatoes with no lumps, fish and chips style scallops, fried rice, steamed rice, vegetarian and meat lasagna, ribs, crepes, french toast, pot roast, spaghetti, gnocci, pancakes, waffles, pizza, salmon, tilapia, chicken teriyakki, roesti, and of course my wife's and my favourites foods at that time. Drink choices will be more Five Alive Tropical, lemonade, c-plus, different kinds of granita, and alcohol- but not beer or hard drinks or gross wine or champagne. Only the good stuff, which I find usually doesn't have alcohol in it.

Dessert will be ice cream cake with the little crumblies, more granita, soft ice cream, Dairy Milk chocolate, strawberries dipped in chocolate since people seem to like those a lot, even more fruit plates, a tiny sampling of fruits for Speedy, whatever Big Bunny Regular Bunny and Elephant want, raspberry sorbet, warm cookies, sapin-sapin, dried mangoes, crackers, red and orange jello separately, and last time, whatever my wife and I want at that time.

We'll leave all the food out, still warm or cold, but push it to the side because I always get hungry in the middle of the dancing. We will dance as if we have no bones, just all out flinging around because it's fun, then open the dance floor. Perhaps 1.5h in I'll stop the dancing and declare, "NO SHOES!" At that point everyone must remove their shoes, because even if your feet aren't in pain, your shoes could hurt someone elses bare feet. We will dance, the kids will play, and eventually we'll sneak away and my wife will remove the satin garter with her teeth.


Here are the presents I want for the wedding/shower.

• Good, simple, light cutlery
• That blender that can blend bricks
• Microwave
• Toaster Oven
• Lingerie
• Tool Set (although I'll probably have one already, cuz I want one for my 19th birthday)
• Power tools
• A screwdriver with all the different types of ends and a magnetic tip
• Good but dishwasher friendly and unbreakable plates/bowls/smaller plates/etc
• Corelle White, because everybody has one
• A set of glasses for drinking and everyday, see guide for plates
• Even more co-ordinated things for organizing
• Appliances would be nice, but they might come with the house
• VACUUMS

Upcoming Installments: The return of Dino Driver, The House, The Sperm Guy, and The Life

Quadruple Post

Big Sister Nayah showing the things she got for her new little brother Christian- Foofy the bear and a yellow car.

Today is the birthday of three people in my life. Zoey, who has been a constant in my life for more than a year now. Tito Larry, who is quiet but loving. And now, Christian Singh, my niece/nephew No. 13.

He's got a squished face, (Nayah's description, but I agree) and tons of hair. He looks shocking like his dad. His cry is not nearly as shrill as some of the other nieces and nephews, but it still kinda hurts my ears.

He's the only infant who hasn't cried when I got near him! Granted, I know that really small babies don't really like me, so I stay away. I wish they did though, I love them when they're tiny. Oh, speaking of which, Christian weighed exactly 7lbs and kinda reminds me of a football. Check out my excitement, as portrayed by dance. It's actually really, really funny, not like my other videos.


I'm practising photography and it's kind of cool. All I know how to do is ISO, white balance, and macro but my pictures are stay way better than they used to be. I'm still working on the lighting, but the only light I have is my Happy Light, which gives off kind of a cold, though well dispersed light. I hope I get better!

Working while Bunny and Rachel watch Lilo & Stitch.

I'm starting an etsy shop! Right now, this is my workspace. I did get a desk, but I hope I don't have it for long because I'm going to call the manufacturer. It's wobbly and the leg room is lacking. Anyways, I've got wholesale sources and a Gocco, and I'm slowly building up inventory. I'm learning all about business, crafting, photography, and online stuff all at once! Although I love my Gocco to bits, it ate up my capital so my current fav new toy is my Fiskars Paper Trimmer. It's orange and fantastic. I'll post the link to the shop when I get started, target date is March 1st.

Then, Now, Then

So I found CD's with a whole pile of pictures from 2004. I put them up on Facebook and there was a frenzy of comments and nostalgia, which was cool, but...eh. That's a time I'm glad we went through, but I'm also glad it's over. That year was pretty difficult.

The present photo doesn't really have anything to do with right now, but I think it's pretty funny. Look at the look on Jono's face, and then look at Speedy. Recently Dr. Ramshaw added a new med to the mix so I'm taking 100mg lamotrigine, 90mg duloxetine, and 100mg trazodone every night. I used to be iffy about meds, but everytime I crash I know that I want to be doing whatever I can to stop that from happening again. Although when I'm crashing I think I can make that happen by killing myself... Anyway, I know that without medication I would never reach a point where I can participate in treatment and you know, not kill myself. Okay, the massive meds still kinda irk me...

I don't think the woman in the "future" photo is gonna be my wife. I put her up because I love her dress, and I found it while perusing this awesome wedding website. Wedding=future? She's pretty though, huh. My friends and I have been spending a lot of time imagining ideal futures. There's enough of the present to deal with, I like talking about getting married, being inseminated, having kids, a house, an M.D...

You know, spinning the yarn of my wedding plans got long, so I'll post that seperately.

Oh well!

I HAD started strewing my things around the house...a book there...a pair of shoes downstairs...a strange rattle on a stick with rainbow streamers... You know what? Whatever.

Somemoreecards

And here's the first post from someecards.

1 Jan 2009

Most of the time I don't think I can do this.
The hurt aches too deep -
too far for my knife
too far for pharmacology.


~

I am below the sea.
I am far away I am not here
- deep fear.
My heart to hold.

Springs beneath my chest below my breast my heart to hold.
Not yours
no strings to play
it beats for me.
What of this piece within me lives?

I feel from far away my mind blank without a body I am floating with my heart.
Muscle and bone a task to own,
our peace
a challenge
in dirt, inert, my own.

Bells ring for me, in my head
chastise the scene
the secret
the hope below my breast beats for me, for me, for me